This is sort of a "wonky" thread because it is a merged thread. Sorry. I didn't know to post once originally. I'm editing out repeated parts of posts I made.

What do I do?

I stumbled upon an email account. Accidental on both our parts (he forgot to clear his history and I was trying to figure out a website I had seen in the past).

WS and OW (EA and PA) met through work (not coworkers or supervisory--he's an auditor and audited her). She lives in our town.


He knows I know. He verified. He wants to speak with her for closure. I do not know how to proceed. Updated: he called her this same day behind my back.

Oh, her husband is, apparently, a prescription drug user. I'm assuming it would be dangerous for him to know.

This is a copy of the post I made on this forum at the beginning of December. I think I know where the anger was coming from now. He's worked on that a lot. He was well into the affair when I wrote this message though. I think that explains why all efforts I made did no good. He is/was completely withdrawn from me and in love with her already.

If you notify the mods, they will move this to the surviving an affair section.

There is more traffic there. There is a lot of help for you there.

moved from other forum. bump

Posting answers to some questions I found on this part of the forum.


How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? We are both 37.

Do you have any children? How old are they? Two boys are 7 years old.

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you? First marriage for both and we've been married 15 years.

How did your WS meet their AP? Through the workplace. They are not coworkers presently. She lives in our town. He was transferred to another location for work last month.

How long did the A last? 3ish months I think.

How did you find out about the A? I stumbled upon an email account. Accidental on both our parts (he forgot to clear his history and I was trying to figure out a website I had seen in the past).

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it? I just found the account very late last night/early this morning. He verified the affair this morning.

Study up on marriagebuilders,reading up on http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
read the book Surviving An Affair,
google 'phobease' which is a behavioural program to deal with OCD (many hospitals support and recommend the program and there are booklets and
cds to use if you are not near a clinic that offers the course)

and try to believe that you can make things better for yourself, the kids and maybe the H with patience, courage, new knowledge and time.

I have been reading here.
This is a combined thread.

WH admitted to the affair this morning after I stumbled upon email evidence last night. I hadn't told him I knew yet but he figured out I had been on his email last night (time stamp I guess). Added: he found this account too, didn't know that until much later.

My questions:

1. I had no clue. He had purchased a separate phone, had set up an email account on hotmail, was communicating and meeting to/from work primarily (or on breaks/lunch), etc. I don't know how I would know if this continues?? I mean I know of the current email account and new phone...but he can get another of both.

2. He said he is committed to this marriage and will end it. edited: waffling on that some But he also believes she is his soul mate (and he hers), they love each other, she's the only one who could be all to him....etc. How do I get over knowing he feels he's leaving the perfect person for him because he's "stuck" with me via marriage?

3. Her husband is, apparently, a prescription drug abuser. I don't know if he might be violent or what. Does he need to know for this to end?

4. He does not want to write her a letter. He feels she needs to be told it's over in person for closure for both of them? edited to add: he contacted her in secret to tell her I knew and this was over (and they decided to have some contact)

5. I am sick--not just emotionally but physically. Normal? Will I stop feeling gutted?

Please stick to one thread, it makes it easier to follow.

Yes everything you are feeling is normal. The more experienced people will give you great advice.

The advice - do whatever they tell you.

I am so sorry to hear this...I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I don't really have any advise,just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

You have caught your husband with his pants down. Because he is currently addicted to the A, his first course of action will be to drive the A underground, while telling you the A is over. This is virtually guaranteed. You have likely just found the tip of the iceberg.

If your H said the OW's husband is violent, you are getting the classic "he can't be told because he will hurt me" routine. This is classic fogbabble horsesh*t. And the part about them being soulmates, this is another CLASSIC line that is absolute horsesh*t. Your H is out-of-his-mind-high on the drug induced state of an A. For now, don't believe anything he tells you.


When the vets here give you the exact prescription to follow, you must heed their advice, even if it seems counterintuitive. Affairs must be dealt with similar to a drug user's addiction.

You will have to expose his A far and wide. But before you do this, you need to put some monitoring tools in place: keyloggers on computers, voice activateed recorders in his car, and a GPS tracker too.

Put your helmet on and get ready for a war.

Well, he's talked (secretly) to her once or twice since I found out I guess. He's clearly not ready to completely cut off contact. He mentioned something about contacting each other on birthdays because that's important to her and when they might run into each other they would say hi and such. Ugh.

I don't know how to do this. How would I put a keylogger on his work computer (govt/State issued). How do the voice activation things work--I'd need to check it daily? How would I know what he's doing at work?

I don't feel like I can monitor him and clearly I can't trust him.

Sandra2, sorry that you are here and welcome to MB.

Can you notify the mods and ask them to combine your threads to make it easier for people to help you?

Your WH and OW met through work, but you said on another thread, that they no longer work together. Does your WH still work for the same company though? Was he her supervisor? Why did he transfer out of that other workplace?

OW is married, do you have the info for OWH? You will need to expose this A to him as well. There have been COUNTLESS times when a WH says, "But her H is abusive and will harm her if he finds out." The BW exposes and finds out that there was no such abuse taking place. OW need to be saved from their marriages and WH love to be the knight in shining armor. Don't fall for it, and even if it were true, that isn't YOUR problem. OW and WH obviously weren't frightened enough of BH to NOT have an A. And can you imagine what your WH says about YOU?

Have you read all of the info on this site? Have you read up on Plan A and Plan B? Do you have any questions about it? Do you have any ideas on how you will snoop on your WH?

Make a list of all of the people you are going to expose this A to, include their workplace. Also, you will need to tell your children.

All of your instincts about not being able to trust your WH are BANG ON. Also, DO NOT let your WH dictate how this is going to happen. YOU are in the drivers seat now. You will DEMAND an end to the affair with NO CONTACT FOR LIFE and a NC LETTER written by your WH and okayed and sent by YOU.

Please, don't tell your WH about this site yet. You are going to need to protect this resource until you are SURE that you are on the recovery road.

Great! Keep reading. Read other people's threads because there's nothing new under the sun. I am also finding so many similarities in people's experiences, it's unreal. Hang in here. You will be amazed.


.
You can write this into your siganture so everyone sees that on every post.

My questions:


They all say so but the truth is they will not desist until you take drastic steps to expose.


Yes he needs to know!....and of course anyone else who can snuff the life out of this affair. Let the OW worry about her husband's violence. Obviously his violence was not threatening enough otherwise she wouldn't have started the affair in the first place.


No you can't but if you hang in here, you'll get all kinds of ways to snoop. I dont have all the answers but I do know that snooping is encouraged and you should do it like there is no tomorrow.

5.
Have you read Dr. Harley's Surviving an affair? or at least articles on MB re:affairs? Order this book, read voraciously and stay on this blog. Do what you're told. You have a long road ahead of you. Hang in there!!!! God bless you. Know his presence is with you.

I'll ask for a combine.
I have been reading. I am operating on about 1.5 hours of sleep I think and I'm not thinking clearly even outside of that fact.

I have read plan A and B but I don't know how I would monitor him. There is the work computer (sensitive work too so a keylogger would likely be not ok), his willingness to buy new phones, and that she lives in this town. Her husband works 2nd shift so that makes contact during work time easy.

On the work thing I guess I can be plain. He is an auditor and this is a person he audited (prior to the beginning of the affair). He's no longer in the town at least at this point due to transfer. Clearly he would lose his CPA license should he audit her at this point so work will have be made aware should he be placed in this area again.

He's been lying to my face even today. He told me he wouldn't contact her until we decided how and I was involved and he did anyway. He agreed to no contact and then hatched a plan to have some contact.

Here is the thing. She told him today that if I made "trouble" for her in life she'd be mean to me. (Does she think she's been kind to me thus far?) I don't know what she means but I am concerned given there is no telling what he's painted me to look like (not good based on the emails I've read). This came out because he had originally said I could listen in and even talk to her (I declined) this morning and then this afternoon when I mentioned again how to break this off he said something about my not being involved because it wouldn't go well and eventually out came his talking to her and etc.

Read up Plan A and Plan B and get cracking.

You will need to expose this to EVERYONE and you will need to get ready for Plan B in about 3-4 weeks. This means TOTAL separation from your WH and NC except through an intermediary. Would you be willing to do this?

If he believes that OW is his "soulmate" then he will not stop contact overnight. Do not believe anything he says. Do not believe anything OW says.

Do not warn before exposure.

I made all the above mistakes. I believed everything he said when he looked me in the eyes and promised NC. When he broke down and cried and promised NC.

FWH and OW just took it further underground. It is an addiction. You have a good chance of stopping this if you follow the vets advise.

Also, he will stay with you because you are a woman of character and integrity not because he is obligated by marriage. OW is a liar and a cheat... deep inside he knows this.

Lots of love. Oak

Thank you for the replies. I am trying to take it all in. He found this site and my posts here I guess. I thought I erased history but I don't know that much about computers and I guess I didn't. He had opened the file I saved last night with copies of the emails too.

I'm starting to feel less numb and shocked and more angry. I can't see how I can try to start working on building anything back with him. I am in withdrawal big time. He clearly expects me to jump to and get on fixing all the stuff that he thinks caused this.

Per your request, your two threads have been merged into this one.

ok, Sandra, here is how you kill this little affair. Make up a list of exposure targets and gather their phone #s. Plan to expose the affair wide and far on the same day. Here is how your list should look:

1. OW's husband
2. OW's facebook friends and family [copy and paste her facebook friends into a WORD doc and send them all private messages - spaced out 1 minute apart or they will shut you down for flooding - we have a template]
3. your husbands parents and close family - call them up and ask them to use their influence to persuade him to end his affair
4. your friends and family
5. children over the age of 4

While it is no guarantee, exposure can be ruinous to affairs because affairs thrive on secrecy.

Once you are done with these exposures, I would contact the OW and let her know that it can get worse if she doesn't stay away from your husband.

If he has read your posts, then expose NOW, before he tells everyone his lunatic wife will be claiming that Mr Perfect is having an A.