When I found the emails last night (it was around midnight) I actually called my parents and his parents. We all talked. They know the whole sordid mess. There is clear pressure from the families for him to stop all contact. His parents spoke with him several times today telling him that no matter how he felt (he said he loved her to them) that he had to stop. They were emphatic. He "confessed" to a couple of friends who had already known, advised him to stop, told him to tell me, etc. that he had continued after he told them he cut it off. (He said he intended to but just couldn't do it.) I told my friends though, given he's telling his friends I don't think mine additionally matter two hoots to him. I did that for my support.

The sticky point here for me is her family. I'm actually sort of afraid of what she might do to me/my family. She clearly wants me to leave her life out of this and expects that. Her husband is not mentally stable is the word I'm getting. Then I can't see telling my little boys either at this point? One is autistic. Ugh.

And I feel like I can't possibly try to build anything with him now? I don't know how I "reward" him for doing this basically? I guess I have to but I just don't know how I'm going to manage.

Where are you getting this word? From WH? WH are notorious for lying. In fact, around here we call it li-ar-rhea.

You need to get busy exposing this A RIGHT NOW! Make up a list of contacts (her side and your H's side). Don't believe for a minute the stuff they are making up about her BH. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff that we've heard about the insane other betrayed party. It is supposed to frighten you from doing any kind of exposure. Don't let it!

Start writing a list of exposure targets. List ANYONE who may have an influence on either of them. This is not done to be vindictive but to shine a light on their A. Once they know that everyone else is watching, the A will lose its pazazz. You must do this all at once, trickle exposure will not work.

Have you bought "Surviving an Affair" yet? If not, go get it. If you can't get it for a few days, go to your nearest library and check it out. This will be your Bible to help you through.

Breathe....

This is where I would start. Begin with her husband and then branch out to her parents, family and friends. She should be very afraid of what you will do to her. You can do this, Sandra, and should not skip this step. Her husband and family have every right to know what she has done. Shine the light of day on this cockroach.

As far as telling your children, I would tell those who can understand. Can your autistic child understand?

LIARRHEA And liarrhea is so true. If the OWH is such a nut job wouldn't WH be to afraid to park his car in the OW's garage because the OWH would slam his car with the garage door when he gets caught?

Expose to all and atart off first with the OWH.

As to him being resposible to sign off on OW your WH is on shakey legal grounds as to Bernie Madoff's accountant that provided audits to say Madoff was being honest now has the law after him.

Your WH can no longer work at this job to have NC with the OW.

Sandra, you're in the driver's seat right now. Do not steer in fear! OW's husband is your prime target. I wish I had a nickel for every betrayed spouse who was supposed to be demented. After exposure those spouses are all pretty much the same: just crushed, not demented.

Painting the other betrayed spouse as a lunatic is a standard wayward practice that is done to keep the other betrayed spouse from doing what needs to be done - exposing the A.

Sandra2 - FWIW, right now my WW is telling me that my MIL thinks I'm 'off my rocker' and my WW is 'not safe in our home.' She's known me almost a decade and I've never, ever, been abusive towards WW physically or emotionally (unless you count the MB principles used to break up the A as psychological warfare). WW seems to forget that she had the affair - which isn't a sign of mental stability IMHO. So, you see, some parts of my WWs family are trying to make me look crazy. Unfortunately for them, it's hard to reconcile a single event (exposure) with years of behavior. I'm not vindictive, mean or manipulative. I just shed light on what was going on.

My FWW said the OM told her that his wife was psychotic, had anger issues, etc, and was a threat to everyone if she found out. Funny how he wasn't scared when he was naked with my wife.

After I had a 2-hour phone call with her, she was one of the nicest women I had ever talked to, and she was the one victimized by her angry, selfish husband.

As others have said, the OW's husband absolutely has to know about this. It's almost laughable to think that the OW or her husband will be "mean" to you. Your WH had many, many opportunities to avoid the A if the OW's husband was unstable.

Don't be victimized again by more lies. Expose NOW! It is "your" WH who is the unstable predator right now.

Sandra, telling OMs girlfriend (now engaged wtf) busted my wifes affair in two hours.

Family is great, the other spouse is lethal to affairs. Get it done. I hope he is nuts, that would be really good for you.

You need to do this.

Your WH thinks he is in love with OW and she is his "soulmate." However, if you make trouble (expose) then OW will be mean to you.

This is his soulmate? Someone who will be abusive to his kids' mother? Really??

Your WH is deep in the fog and not thinking clearly. This will continue until NC is established.

Don't listen to threats. I myself was painted as a psycho crazy jealous wife to keep OWH from contacting me to get the truth.

If you honestly think that you may be in danger - call the police. Get a restraining order.

I think she's scared I will mess up her family life (tell her kids, husband, friends, work (her work email was used), etc. Further, husband knows things about her life that her family and children don't know--she doesn't want them to know--outside of the affair. Big things.

Ya, he keeps saying that she would never hurt our family even though that is exactly what she was doing. I listened to a voice mail from here where she is telling him to hug those sweet blessings from God or something and this will all work out if they keep being faithful (faithful to ???). There was lots of God talk between them--that God brought them together and etc. which he can't seem to see for what it was even now.


He did write a NC letter this evening (his wording and choice to do that after reading some articles here) and I mailed it.

I don't know if he can do this but I do believe he intends to follow through. I can't really track him to see if he does. We are donating the second cell phone he used to communicate with her. He's going to call me when he leaves for work and arrives. I hope he'll call and contact me throughout the day but we're both in heavy withdrawal at this point so I don't know how it will play out.

Big question: How do I manage to do plan A? I don't know how I try to meet his big emotional needs (sex, admiration, affection--in that order)? I mean I know why...I just feel like I would be rewarding him for destroying me.

Also, my big need is for conversation and it absolutely crushes me that he spent hours talking to her daily when I was told he just didn't have time to talk to me, that he shared intimate things I did talk with him about with her the very first moment he could, he shared anything I did to meet his needs or when I didn't. Everything that went on in this marriage he ran to tell her. I just feel so betrayed. He's still the person I was turning to in my life to share the most raw things and it turns out he was then sharing those things with her. I think I've got to go vomit.

Sandra, first things first. Call the OW's husband and inform him of the affair. That has to be the first step. I would also let her close family members know of her affair if you can find them on facebook.

The OW's husband needs to know so he can protect himself and his children from your husband and his wife.

You would be doing the OWH a huge favor by letting him know about those "big things." She sounds very dangerous and destructive and he very much needs to know what he is dealing with.

You are not rewarding him. You are meeting his emotional needs. He will not come around if you don't meet his needs.

Betrayal is an ugly thing. It cuts deep to the core. I remember existing on 2 hours of sleep each night and a handful of almonds each day. This went on for about 6 months. I remember thinking to myself "who knew I didn't need sleep or food."

I also felt an anger more intense than any emotion I have ever felt before.

You are not alone. Vent all you want here.

Of course she is. She is also afraid that she will not be able to carry on the affair once the secrecy is blown.

My wife's former OM said the exact same thing. He was afraid I was going to wreck his home life, professional reputation, etc. What these idiots fail to realize is that THEY already wrecked their lives. The truth of the A will come out sooner or later whether it's by you or someone else.

When I spoke to the OM's wife for 2 hours, I told her everything that I knew on my end--how the OM said his wife wouldn't cook for him, didn't take the kids to sports practice, only liked to shop, was going to divorce him anyway..... Do you know how good it made me feel to tell his wife this? She DESERVED to know what her husband thought of her. Knowing what I knew, this victimized woman deserved to know how ugly her husband was. This woman was shocked that her husband described her as a witch, when she was clearly a good person.

You should feel really, really good to expose the OW to her husband. Do not allow him to remain a victim.

And it's ludicrous to think the the BS would ever be responsible for the damage that has already been done. And if either make threats to you, then let them know you will be happy to file a restraining order against them. And you can let them know that this will only escalate the ugly truth to the public, their jobs, and their family.

YOU WILL NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE A VICTIM TWICE!

Sandra2 - I exposed very widely on the OM side, because I didn't know which email address would hit home. I'm not saying it's been easy since then, it has NOT. It was a very difficult decision for me personally, but it also shook things up. If nothing else, it was going to change the dynamic of what happens next. Now, I've gotten a lot of unverifyable fogbabble from my WW - like - she was going to come back, but now she's not. The A was over when I exposed - it was not - she was driving to his house less than a week earlier. She wanted to continue to live this double life and I refused to be a party to it.

Get your ducks in a row and expose as widely as you can - then prepare for the hell you're going to face afterwards. You can do it!!!

Andy, you did the right thing. I KNOW it's right. Any person who uses the "until-you-exposed,-this-would-have-worked-but-now-it's-not" line is still lost in the fog, and frankly is pure horsesh*t.

Until the A is broken, the BS doesn't stand a chance. To wait and hope the A dies is a recipe for disaster.

Thanks Wiser! I'm just to close to it right now - about 2 weeks out from Exposure - the fog is thick with her and the anger is running deep on her part.