Pardon me whilst I ramble.

I've got to unburden to someone and I've bugged the pee out of my sister lately.

I've found out that I need to work until I'm 60 in order to be able to have medical insurance after I retire. I could retire earlier if I had 20 years of employment. Of course, my 20th year will be the year I turn 60. With the economy the way it is, I don't dare retire earlier and try to find a job with health benefits.

This is so infuriating--I would be able to retire if my dumb-headed WH wasn't divorcing me. If he wasn't involved in an affair. If the karma bus wasn't repeatedly running over me and backing up over me to run over me again.

I'm so afraid for my future. It looms ahead and overshadows my life. Alone. Working at a job that is more than I can handle right now. Alone. Unhappy. Alone. I'm 54 years old and I'm in love with a man who doesn't love me anymore.

WH called tonight. I picked up the phone and took it to my son to answer. WH never asks about me. He has moved on. Why can't I?

Is there any hope? I can't find any tonight.

Talk about low swoop of the roller coaster,

the karma bus isn't running over you unless you did something we don't know about.

You are just having to re-direct until you find the new course.

It is too bad you wanted to retire earlier and feel you can't...perhaps something will come up in the next couple of years to fix that in your favor. Being 60 is the new 40? Okay?

Now, you aren't getting older, you're getting better (remember that saying).

You ARE moving on. You WILL get through this situation. You WILL do fine if you keep with the plan.

You know what? Probably when you least expect it, you will see that things are in your favor in life (vs WH's). For sure, you will continue to discover your strength and grace. Continue to work to understand that it all turns good down your road.

Well you talk about being able to retire and darn it, I can't even figure out what I want to be because being a cashier in a retail store is NOT the job I want to retire from. I want a CAREER.

My WH doesn't really ask about me either, at least if you ask DS10, which I had in the past. But, I have overheard what DS10 said to WH and he didn't HAVE to ask because DS10 TOLD him EVERYTHING. When I asked DS10 why, he said, "I talk about the fun things." How could I argue with that? I dunno, so I didn't. You don;t know if WH thinks about you or not.

Now, I want you to understand and realize something. You feel this way TODAY because......and this is a BEAUT, because what have you been doing for the past 3 days? That's right, you have been thinking about your WH. It's to be expected and the reason you need to take extra care of yourself after you do something like this.

So, grieve, get through this, and lean on whoever you need to. I am CERTAIN that although you feel like a burden to your sister, she doesn't feel that way.

I can give you a virtual hug, but nothing helps like the real thing.

Also, I wanna tell you, I am actually thinking about us going to Scotland together. I would LOVE that. I am excited about something in my FUTURE, and YOU helped with that. Thank you

Reading, I worry about the karma bus not because of something I've done in my current life but because I've had a terrible life. Maybe I was Hitler in a past life to merit what my present life has been. Silly, but everything seems to be spiraling out of control and so far from my wishes that karma seems the only explanation.

I guess it's pity party time. Makes me wonder what's the use of taking AD's if I can still hurt this much.

I've got to go to work. It will be, as they all are, a long day.

Hiya Hope

I have been missing you! Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time, its not always going to be like that you know? Not unless you want it to be, and I doubt that very much.



I know that feeling, when you feel as though you have chewed someones ear off relentlessly, but your sister loves you and I am sure wants to help you, so don't feel as though you are a burden! You would do the same right?



Hope - the future is scary - I am scared - I am so frightened about leaving my home - where do i go what do i do?

I can relate to how you are feeling.

There are many more thoughts that go through my head, but you have to get some control over it.

You cannot put your happiness in someone else's hands, particularly someone that is toxic in your life right now.

You are responsible for your own happiness.

It sounds to me as though you are having a low day, as your previous post was more positive.

I am thinking of you, and way to go on the wrap dress!

Do you drive to work? Wack your favourite tune on as high as you can and sing out loud!

Go easy on yourself, you are going through a tough time, all your feelings are normal.

Thinking of you today!! Your going to be ok and your doing well girl!!!

{{{{{{{{{Hope}}}}}}}}}}}

HAHAHA I thought it said man too!!!

Okay then, if it IS karma from a previous life....maybe you are near the end of your paying the piper.

Your long days are so very normal at the point of the plan you are in.

Obviously, having to deal with D paperwork is going to even make it rougher BUT keep as dark as you can and that is the BEST path to going out of the despair zone.

The first few months is the worse. You have to work through everything over and over and over again in your mind and spirit to get to a good place. You read the MB books constantly (I did), the threads that inspire you to have focus, find ways to sleep, work, have your life create joy.

It takes a while to release the illusion of control, to learn to be still, to learn to refocus to ourselves.

If your WH comes back sooner vs later, you will be filled with joy but have less skills developed from the time with yourself. I think that there are pluses to both outcomes (short plan B vs long plan B). Just accept that either will work FOR you.

Meanwhile. Talk with your physician about the ADs regularly to revisit how they are helping you cope.

Scotland, Reading, and Harmony--a BIG hug of thanks to you all (or y'all as we say in the South). Thanks for the support--I made it through the day. I still feel gutted--just absolutely gutted, but I made it.

I've called my doc to see about increasing my ADs. I'll never make it through court without an increase.

I think I'm perhaps the most ill-suited person ever for what has happened to me and my life. I've done everything I can to be a stronger person--go to an IC, take ADs, Ambien, etc.--but I'm still just as messed up and just as devastated as I was when I learned about this in August.

I wonder if I'm just hurting myself by staying in Plan B and if I should just give it all up for Plan D. I think staying in Plan B gives me false hope that the future will be any different from the way it seems to be going. It seems like it's written in stone somewhere that this is my fate: to be divorced.

Please, I'm not trying to abandon Plan B. I have no intention of doing that. I'm just as far down as I've been in a long while and feel that everything is filled with futility. Why care if I talk to him or not? It won't change anything.

No 2x4s, please. I can't take it today.

Your going to be ok Hope. You really are.

You can do this, you are a strong woman.

Cry if you need to cry.

We are all behind you, right with you.

No 2 x 4 s. We are all just hear for you.

Ditto.

There is nothing wrong from you. Going thru the D motions and all the paperwork makes you want to be like an ostrich and stick your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. Been there, done that.

What I'd do is set aside maybe an hour a day to deal with the interrogatories and info and then do something fun and reward yourself for taking good care of you.

Right now it's hard. But when the paperwork is don, it will be ok and feel normal sort of once again.

Fwiw, I think there's hope. Heck the only reason my sitch ended up in a remained divorce was b/c the ow was pregnant and it was too much for me. I do not think your wh will be happy and if he does anything STOOPID with the ow, he will probably end whatever it is quickly and regret what he might do.

Heck, even my xh on the 2nd anniv of our divorce or close to it, wished he could have come home. I seriously wanted no part of him, especially since then he was married.

And you are going to be happy! Hear me sweetie! You ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY!

God has a plan. He gave you MB and strength and love. That's powerful stuff. And we can't guess what HE will do wonderfully for you and what all wonderful things are ahead. You must simply trust. for me, it was divorce and recovery of ME and to become the sole parent of my child. In due time, God had me meet THE RIGHT man, at the right time, after my heart healed and we're the family God wanted for me all along. My son is overjoyed too.

There's another friend of mine who recovered his M here. He became divorced and remarried his wife almost two years ago. They are happily remarried and it's been such a lovely blessing to know them all.

Your future isn't sealed. Nothing bad is going to happen. You just put everything in God's hands and in the meanwhile, do all you can do as a woman to protect yourself and your finances and family. That's what your job is to do now and let God deal with the wayward. Trust me...you do not have to lift a finger. HE will deal with the wayward.

I saw that happen and everything evil my xh and the ow (women) did 100 percent unravel and fall down and crumble over a period of five years. I also saw during five years, God turn me into a beautiful changed butterfly and stronger and more loving mom and woman than I could have ever become, had I not endured the greatest trials of my life.

I am going to tell you this and listen close
you are NOT ill suited for this happening in your life AND however you felt and feel now
WE ALL FELT THE SAME

We all wondered if plan D was preferable to plan B.

My summation from my experience so far

Plan B is best even IF you follow the path of plan D too.

Plan B protects your heart and soul and creates the ability to recover your own life.

You go into it and stay into it indefinitely (until the affair ends or you have minimal love for H and are completely indifferent to his affair or forever to avoid being part of the affair scenario)

Believe me when I say that you are just where any of us would be in your same situation. There are variances to each marriage and affair and the path but we betrayed all feel those crap-o feelings and plan B is the best tonic even if you must grieve until you stop grieving.

Thanks to you all. You have given me such comfort, such support. What would I do without you.

Harmony, I've so missed you. Thanks for being here.

Peachy, I've added part of your post to my signature. BTW, the Stravectin Neck Cream is working! I'm not-so-wild about the stuff for facial creases.

Reading, you continually wow me with your words of wisdom. You are always succinctly on-target with what you say.

Big hugs to all of you. You've done good today!

H&G, I want to echo what my fellow posters have already said and tell you something else.

I am in Plan B. I have been in Plan B for more than 14 months. I had MANY days in the beginning where people were telling me that I was "strong" and a "superstar." I didn't feel that way. I felt defeated and torn down. Notice how i said "felt?" I don't feel that way anymore. I sometimes feel sad, but I am stronger than I was. I owe it ALL to this place and to the MB plans.

It's okay to feel defeated and sad. It's okay to question what you want to do. What happens when you feel that way? What do YOU do? I would routinely think about ending Plan B, even talking to WH again(I know, right?). I would even fantasize about what I would say, what he would say. Then, I would be still and pray. I would ask for the RIGHT path. Then, I would be at peace knowing that I AM doing the right thing. I AM on the right path.

H and G, I would most strongly urge you not to "choose" between Plan B and Plan D. If you must go through a divorce, you will need Plan B more than ever.

You will not have WH/XWH rubbing the divorce and his girlfriend in your face in a sick attempt to normalize the situation.

You will not have to listen to his offers to be "friends" with you.

You will not have to see him and be set back to square one every time you do.

As I always say: "Plan B - it ain't just for married folks anymore."

Seriously - just stay right where you are and keep the darkness for now. If and When WH ever turns into H, he'll find a way to turn on the light. But you do NOT want him unless and until he does.

I've read and reread your posts, gals, and I'm no longer in free fall. I've hit a level patch and I soon hope to be chugging back upward like the Little Engine Who Could.

There's a lot of comfort for me in reading these thoughts, the SAME thoughts, expressed in 5 or 6 or 7 different voices. It validates what I'm going through and doing and feeling.

I guess I'm trying to say that when I reached my lowest point, you all pulled together to get me out of the abyss.

Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. Love MB and love the personal support I've gotten here.

Y'all rock!

Very pleased your feeling better Hope, you made it through a dark day and came out on top.

You rock lady!

It was nothing. Just paying it forward.

I've had a much better day today.

My doctor's nurse called back and I'm to double my AD starting tonight. I'll have to go see him next month.

I went to see my IC and she helped me, too. I think this downward spiral began last week when she said that she did believe that WS would break up with Dumpy sooner or later, but didn't believe that I would be able to recover my marriage with him because of my anger.

We talked a lot about him and about how he's possessed by an alien. His words are not his own--they're Dumpy's words. I explained to her that this was how I knew I could recover our relationship: I know he's not himself at this time. He looks like my husband and his voice sounds like my husband but he is definitely NOT my husband.

My IC understood what I was getting at. She changed her position on the possibility of recovery.

I also told her how the forum I participate in--Marriage Builders--really helped me yesterday. She thought it was great that I've found another avenue of support.

All in all, it was a great day when compared to yesterday. I'm not going to work on the interrogatories tonight. I'll suck it up and get it all done this weekend. I need an emotional break from it all.

Thanks again to all of you for your support. You really helped and made a difference yesterday.

Even DrH says that he can't tell you which marriage will survive and which one won't. I don't suppose your IC is better at this than DrH.

So, what have you done in the past couple of days to take care of yourself? Did you exercise(channeling a bit of Harmony )? Did you do anything to help yourself heal?

Scotty, yesterday I just gave way to the tears. I cried and cried. Today, I didn't get home until past 5--I was here (but not seen) when WH picked DS to take him to dinner. I'm not sure why I included that tidbit, except to say I stayed strong and didn't cry or seek out WH.

One thing that was a real positive today was that class pictures were taken. Unlike the past few years when I would try my darnedest to hide behind a student, this year I stood proud. When I saw a small proof of the picture, I was amazed at how good I looked. Losing 65 pounds has really made a difference, and I'm only 7 pounds away from my goal weight of 160. Not a bad weight for someone 5'8" tall.

My sister called--we haven't been in contact the past few days because of her work schedule. I think if she'd been available to prop me up, I wouldn't have bottomed out as low as I did.

From the Info I Didn't Ask for But Got Anyway Department: When DS returned from dinner with his dad he said that WH told him he wants to spend more time with him. DS didn't comment. WH said he guessed DS hates his guts. DS said he didn't hate him but he hates this whole situation. WH said he guessed anyone would hate it.

End of conversation.

Effect on me? None at all.