Hey stretch. I actually envy you since y'all had the, um, "special" moment a few days ago. Keep up the good work and it sounds like you're thinking is pretty clear. How's the UA time going for your guys?

Oh, I thought I'd repost something that NeverGuessed wrote you earlier:

30 JANUARY 2011
PLEASE HELP.
Help me with the next hour. THe next six hours. THe next 12.
The next one day.
How do I get through Sunday?

20 FEBRUARY 2011
We spent some time this morning processing last night.
How did it start?
How could we have initiated more directly?
What was every motivation? What was every verbal and non verbal communication?
I mean, it's good stuff.
I have wanted more dialogue about SF and now we're getting it. So that's good.

The measure of success is not a statement of where we are, but of how far we have come.

Stretch and Andy: been there and done that too (except filing for D.)

Stretch: I think it's healthy to have a wee bit of resignation. It keeps you from being a total doormat. To have it means you are capable of thinking that, worst case scenario, you can move on and survive.

What's dangerous is to have feelings of "I can't survive without her" feelings. You will survive regardless.......

And we have four dear children.
What we have is pretty darn good. And I feel we are finally, really getting romantic love and we can build and grow romantic love. I am excited about the possibilities and the future !

That's awesome Stretch! I'm happy for you!

If only it comes true. And its not easy.

Today she was depressed all day. She picked a fight about privacy and emails. That got us nowhere.

She was depressed today before that fight. Had no energy to do anything. Basically went to bed for most of the day.

"I AM depressed. Depressed because I can't have an email to vent on. Because I can't talk to my friends. Because I wanted out of this marriage two years ago and you debated me. Because I wanted an affair and I couldn't get it. Because I am back working on this relationship that makes me miserable. I cannot be myself in front of you because you don't like the real me. I am depressed because you can rant on your support forum ten times a day and I can't."

I don't think she knows who "the real her" is frankly. She acts and lies to her friends, acts and lies to me, acts and lies to her therapist and our therapist. Dealing with depression that makes her desire to do nothing, finish nothing, and figure out a way to blame it all on me.

Anyway, I want to try this: "Just be who you think the real you is all the time. Nothing to lose. Give it a shot. I have learned a lot. I have learned to listen / to witness. I can take whatever. I will not fight. I won't debate. Just tell me. Remove your filter. Try it!" When it makes me mad, and I think she is wrong, and I want to debate her.... I will just write it down and ask for clarification later. Still, won't debate her.

I so badly want to find out what is going on inside her!

The way I am is... I want her to debate me when I say something. I want her to prove me wrong and teach me something. I probably wasn't always that way. Definitely wasn't! ... but I am 40 now and growing up. I am able to say I am wrong now, I am sorry now, I want to hear other opinions now.

Stretch do you see the opportunity there? She said you have the forum and she does not. That is the holy grail of recovery. GET HER ON HERE RIGHT NOW.

Its how Wondering recovered. Help her set up an ID, and the help for her will come quick...

No kidding do it now.

That is the holy grail of recovery. GET HER ON HERE RIGHT NOW.

No. No. No. No. No F'ing WAY!

There are rare, strong-minded, individuals who can come to a site like this as a WS, but they do NOT come here in the state of mind that THIS WW is in.

She would get eaten ALIVE by still-bleeding BS's and she'll believe that the vitriol that she is going to receive has been the fuel that has fed what she sees as Stretch's "bad attitude".

Stretch, please, please do not contemplate such an action. That will be the death-knell of any hope you have for recovery.

I don't think WW needs to be on this forum. First of all, do I really want her to read my thread? Obviously she or her friends could have found this thread by now-- and probably will someday. But do I need to facilitate that?

But also, what NG said, there are too many BS's on here that would eat her alive. She asked me once, "Are there any WS's on the forum? Where do they go to chat." Honestly, there are not very many WS. Its not a balanced forum. Perhaps some day. But right now exposure is two weeks old. Its too fresh.

I have shared a good deal of the advice and many of Harley's articles.

Reynolds, how about your WW? Is she on the forum? Did you practice your advice?

Sorry my first log on.

My wife is on the site, and is aware of the forum but has not posted. I do not have a thread as part of the plan to get her here.

The advice to bring her here was straight from Wondering who I trust completely. Yes she will take some hits.

I don't think you show her the thread, or give her your screen name. Also change your signature to blur who you really are. I have much less detail on my signature now for that purpose.

If Melody is on the fence - which she seems to be then fine. I figured it would be a great way to get moving if she showed remorse and a need for support which seemed to be what she expressed yesterday.

Mel thinks I need to move to Plan B and soon. I just can't right now. I believe its too early. I see progress with Plan A. She is reading about how she can make amends, about how she can rebuild trust, about how long she must listen to and understand my hurt. (One author said, just when you think, enough already... dear God how can you hurt so bad... your spouse will unpeel another layer of pain and share it with you. And you must sit there and listen!)

I am barely emotionally stable. I need to get stable before Plan B. But this idea that we can work through therapy for six months and she doesn't want to make any committment to the marriage.... that's not working for me. So I am starting to get used to those feelings of: I will be okay, I am resigned, she can leave if she wants and I will survive. When I am stable enough, I can consider Plan B.

Stretch - remember you need to judge how long you think you can hold out on Plan A. You and I haven't been at this very long, so try to hang in there. The coaster is tough...one day at a time, one day at a time..

Hey Stretch, help me out here. What happened between 2/20 and 2/23? On the 20th you wrote that things were going pretty well and now, well, it sounds like you're having one of those days.

Have you guys been spending time together (UA)? Anything else going on, besides the obvious, that could be causing the downward slide? I would ask if NC is still in place, but it sounds like that point is moot given who he was.

Just worried about you. But you're only 16 days since exposure, maybe your wife got nervous thinking the two of you were going too fast? That is, with SF, maybe she let her guard down and something is making her regret that decision?

One of my wife's favorites was "What if we end up back where we were? I'm kind of scared to try sometimes."

Food for thought, maybe there's some fear there that you guys could talk about if you figure out how to address it safely, without DJ, etc.

Hope tomorrow is better for you.

Stretch its just the roller coaster. Wave to the rest of us on the way past and don't worry.

I been there, trust me.

Stretch I don't recall, but have you seen your Dr yet about possibly getting some anti-depresant meds? Its helped me weather the storms.

Accepting the feelings you state above is what led to the turning point in my Plan A. I think it did happen after about 3 weeks for me, too. I began to eat and sleep better, and acknowledged that "well, this happened, I better get used to it." Becoming strong enough to know you WILL be ok and you WILL survive even if your M fails, puts you in a much better place to put forth a stronger Plan A or Plan B. Or negotiate your conditions for a better M.

I think once you accept that you CAN be ok on your own, you will start to act differently--not so desperate--which makes you seem MUCH more desirable as a husband, and greatly increase the chances your WW thinks "wait a sec--this guy I married--he really IS a catch, isn't he?"

The best quote someone gave me: "Being strong and independent, not needy and pathetic, makes you more desirable."

You are still on the roller coaster--so am I--but accepting that you can survive on your own will flatten out the ups and downs a bit.

So, Reynolds... when we gonna put that room together for the BH class of 2010/2011?

Gotta figure out a way to keep Marital out of our clubhouse, but not sure thats feasible.

We could talk about cars or something until she loses interest:)

Not being needy and pathetic is the best way to act under any circumstance.

By the way Stuck, how's the snow in Seattle today? My bro lives in Bellevue and he said yesterday was pretty bad. Maybe I'll buy you a beer when I come up for a Huskies game later this year. Sark really has turned the Dawgs around...sure enjoyed seeing them stick it to Nebraska.

Sorry, that one won't work, gentlemen: I used to work at a race track and drag raced there as a hobby. Better come up with something else.

Nice! Your husband is a lucky man!