Hi HHH,

Sorry my response was incomplete. It was late for me when I responded.

About the time line, I was told that I should give him a choice that either he tries or walks away. I thought it was a bit harsh, but I tried it. It didn't work. He didn't want to make either decision. Nor did he want to decide when we should divorce as he was the one who asked for it. This advice was actually given to me by Harley and another marriage counselor I spoke to in the last few weeks that he should either walk away if he wasn't willing to restore the marriage. So that plan failed. I wasn't trying to put a time line on his recovery.

I am fine with exposure and such. But the physical harm was what got to me and I refused that request. Yea it would earn his trust back if I did something terrible to the OM physically, but some how that wouldn't feel right. I am just glad he is past planning doing something terrible to the OM as he was a month ago.

I have been honesty, taking EP and trying to meet his needs. But of course, meeting his needs is rather difficult when he is withdrawn still. We have lots of conversations, like last night we discussed a movie and then had discussion about the bible and God (neither one of u are religious...we're science people and like to discuss such things still). We did this while lying in bed for at least an hour or more. We have sex a decent amount, the same as before everything fell apart and there is no awkwardness like earlier in Jan.

The whole thing about the 6 year of trust and such. I wasn't putting a time line on the trust or expecting when he feels comfortable again. I was trying to explain that he was trying to tell me he couldn't invest that time into the relationship again because time was wasting away and he's not getting younger. That he doesn't want to make the same mistake twice with me and waste another 6 years when he thinks I will cheat again. His words were that once you cheated it was easier to do it again.

I am doing my best and just not fighting with him. Being pleasant and showing him that I have matured. He even made some comment tonight that I must be maturing but a kind of wait and see if it permenant or temporary.

I am not letting him push me away, I am sticking by him for at least another year. I told him I would unless something drastic happens.

I am really uncomfortable with the fact that he spends time with females going out drinking 1-3x a week. Sure they aren't one on one nor just a group of only girls but it makes me uncomfortable even though he says he will not do anything unless he falls in love with another female. He says that he is not looking for a relationship or even a one night stand at the moment. He does spend the most time with me and such. We have discussed it and I think it's his way of taking revenge on me. I think this because he will say why does he have to take special precautions or measures when I was the one who screwed up and that he hasn't done anything that is considered questionable.

So I guess I am doing my best to earn his trust and love back. I am trying to show him my changes are permenant and I am not that immature, impulsive person who had the affair in Sept. All of his family and friends back home think we should give it another year so that helps a .As well, his best male friend thinks he shouldn't walk away either and that we should stick together for another year to see what happens. BH is of course not positive about things but that's to be expected. I have to show him I have really changed.

so you think that you have to change.

********edit********

I'm the last one to judge for that. Was recently told by a proctor that I "think like a woman" and get easily distracted, because as a man, I need to learn to "think like a man."

O_o

This was a woman telling me this, by the way.


I guess I get that... I was wondering why it was stated as "divorce now or give it a year." He's putting the ball in your court. His mention of divorce may be genuine, or he may be testing the fences. I mentioned divorce and separation several times last year - all FWW had to do is say OK, and I would have been g-o-n-e. Testing the fences.


What kind of exposure has been done?


I'm in the same boat, though FWW is more of a Deist. I would say keep that up. Safe, pleasant conversation is a cornerstone of UA time.



And he is right. That is why things like EPs, including an opposite sex avoidance plan, are necessary.


Time and action. Of course.


I wouldn't add the "unless."


He's putting himself in a situation to create opportunity. You are right to be uncomfortable. And yes, he may be doing this to punish you - he is showing you how easy it would be for him to do the same thing.


2-5 and look for incremental changes, not monumental. Each day is a gift, and an opportunity. Relish it.

Thanks for the information and insight HHH.

As for exposure related to the OM, all of our friends who know him know about it. As well as his boss and co-workers.

I will remember to not put conditions upon staying in this country for another year.

Things are going well and I will take what I get as a gift:) If things don't work out then I accept that but in the meantime I will enjoy what I am getting and do whatever I can from my side. I am being consistent and showing him through my actions that I have made changes. (not just to save the relationship but to take care of myself and be happy with myself)

Have a good weekend!

I've been making new friends here in this foreign country after this whole thing. I have been honest with the new friends with what has happened (all these friends are female who sometimes come with their bf or husband) as they wonder why my husband doesn't join me for activities. My husband has no problems with me telling others as he does the same when questioned about the state of the marriage. I was just wondering what is the proper approach? I know there is the whole exposure thing and such but that is done by the BS to end an affair. But did you as a BS or WS tell other people your story?

I tell people that I had an affair. I regret that it ever happened and I am trying to make changes to save/recover this marriage. If it doesn't work out then I accept the consequences of my actions/decisions. (even though I hope it doesn't come to that)

Any opinions on on sharing with friends or am I making a mistake?

So just trying to get my thoughts out. Been reflecting as the past week it was approaching an important date (not d-day related or affair related, just other life events). I keep saying I made a mistake or bad decision but I realize it was not one decision or mistake I made, it was a series or decisions that led to a PA. At any point I could have stopped the series of events but chose not to.

Some days things are great but Friday night was a bad night as I had a complete meltdown in front of my husband. I totally blurted out absolutely everything I had been thinking and feelings:S I apologized for causing him pain even though he said it's okay he'll deal. That made me more upset. I even told him one of my students I teach has the same name as the OP, it makes me feel ill every time I see the name or call the student. Not the student's fault obviously.

In the meantime, I have just been trying to clean up my side of the fence, change what I can and accept the things I cannot. I just have to let go of all expectations of my BH. Sometimes I can manage some days, some days are more difficult when you get your hopes up.

We spend a lot of time together at home, talk, doing school work, etc. We get along fine and everything looks great. But we have our problems still that we don't discuss (Well except for my meltdown:S Been POJA what I can with him when it comes to decisions I am making and getting his input. Just taking things one day at a time and see where we'll end up next year this time around.

So over the next year my husband tells me that I am to prove that I won't cheat on him again. What steps should I take?
So far, he can have full access to my email/facebook/phone anytime. (note: I didn't have an inappropriate relationships over email nor facebook but he has full access to them as he pleases). Although, he's not particularly interested in any of those items. He's also not interested in keyloggers.

I have been open and honest about everything that I can be in terms of my life and feelings. He has been given full details on the affair. No contact has been in place since Sept. If I ever run into OM or see him I let BH know. OM and I work on the same block but have not spoken since the day after D-day. If I see him, I tell BH and I walk the other direction.

These are the following EP's I put in place:
1. No alone time with any males unless they are gay that we both agree to. (no lunches, dinners, drinks, etc with males)
2. Conversations with males do not involve personal life, etc. For example, co-workers, no more than hi, how are you and if I need help with something that no one else can help with. (like sometimes I have to talk to the head teacher for my books).
3. no flirting with males
4. limited drinking when out with friends (no more binge drinking)

Personal changes
1. working on self esteem
2. working on communication skills

POJA
He doesn't participate in these but I try to think about my decisions before I act upon them so I am not the source of his unhappiness (well anymore so than I have done in the past).

Any other suggestions? How did your WS show that they were sincere and that they would never have an affair again? Thanks

anyone have any more ideas about the above question?

He says I have only this year to show him that I will not have another affair.

Anything other suggestions for EP or other things that I may have missed? Any other actions that I can take?

Okay, since you asked

I think your H is being a bully. And I also think he's boxing himself in and doing himself a disservice by refusing to work on MB with you. It sounds like you're on probation! When the year is up, do you get to cheat again, is that what he's saying? Has he not figured out how silly this 'one year' thing is?

L123, you've been posting for awhile and you seem to be no farther ahead than your first post. Your H sounds like he has chosen to stay in a place where he is getting emotional feedback by keeping the A as a primary focus in his life. This is called 'secondary gain'. I'll see if I can find the article where Dr. H. addresses that.

I think that he is punishing you. Don't get me wrong - I am very aware of the desire to punish a wayward spouse. But he can't continue in this vein and necessarily expect a healthy outcome. I think that you may come to resent this and he'll start withdrawing from your LB. I'm not saying he needs to 'get over it' because that is an idiot phrase that does not apply to affairs. But I AM saying that IMO he is doing a disservice to both of you and your M by making sure that you know he is following you around with an axe over your head for the next year.

Can you counsel with the Harleys? I think they're your best bet to get him over this hump and on board with recovery.

Dr. Harley on Secondary Gain:


You need to help your H lose this UNuseful tool.

Check out the whole article on overcoming resentment here.

He isn't saying that after the year I could/would cheat again. He wants me to prove/show him that I am different person and that I will not make the same choices that led me to having an affair. Basically, he wants to be trust that I won't cheat on him or hurt him again.

After the year, if he isn't happy he will divorce me. He says it's not like he is looking forward to it. It's like looking forward to getting shot. But he's already been shot once, and staying with me might be risking more than one more bullet. So those are his words not mine.

Thanks for the information. I might try to get another session with Harley. I did it alone last time and will probably again. BH is not interested in the coaching and he feels no need for it as we aren't officially a couple (in terms of being in love, etc).

he says it's up to me to make him fall in love with me again and to trust me again, that I did it before so figure it out....so what is what I am trying to do....

Sorry my thoughts are a little disjointed.

To sum it up, he expects that I am the one to prove something to him. He doesn't want to work on the marriage and is seeking divorce unless I can convince him during this time. Yes, I do realize it is his choice if he chooses to divorce me as I gave him an extremely good reason. If he does leave, I can't blame him.

I am grateful that he is even open the idea of falling back in love with me and maybe being able to trust me (Even though I have shown otherwise and broke it).

I am trying to make the best of it right now and hope that one day he'll trust and love me again.

He's exactly right. It is your responsibility to make him be in love with you. And that begins with him feeling safe and secure enough to be open to that romantic love.

Some here might find it silly that he's placed a time frame on wanting to feel safe, secure and in love with you again, but I understand where he's coming from.

I strongly encourage you to do phone counseling with MB. They deal in length with this very issue and make sure both husband and wife are on the same page.

How is this set up working for your husband? Does it bother him that you could potentially run in to this guy any given work day? It wouldn't sit well with me.

My husband has actually been fine with it. He is no longer concerned anything will occur now or in the future with OM. He is more concerned about future OM. I have seen OM a total of 2 times in the neighborhood by my work since D-day (no words were exchanged and I think both times he didn't see me as I ran into other buildings or his back was turned). I only go the stores around my area before I start class and don't leave my work until I am finished (then I just head straight home).

Have you suggested a move to your BH?

Hi HHH,
I have suggested a move back in Sept and again in January. One of the suggestions was to go back home where the majority of our family and friends are. But he said if we were to that, we would only go back for a vacation (like we are this spring) or get a divorce. (unless he feels better about things then moving back home would not result in a divorce, but right now a divorce would be in the picture if we moved back home)

I also suggested a move within this country but that was nixed as well. He thinks the change of scenery might lead one of us (particularly me to stray again).

Ack.

A change of scenery will;

1) further ensure no further contact with POSOM, and
2) remove triggers, and allow the building of new memories.

Well, that is what I thought. I personally dislike all the triggers. My triggers don't actually bring back happy memories or the feelings I had for OM. It more makes me sick to my stomach and upsets me. It makes me think how could I have done it, and leaves me in a state of disbelief. I personally don't know about BH and his feelings towards triggers. He doesn't like to discuss these things with me anymore. I do however know that there is still lingering thoughts about physically harming the OM but the feelings aren't as strong as they were 2 months ago.

To add to that, BH works at a school where they share the same boss. The location of the two schools are on opposite ends of town but it was OM who got him this job.

L123, I'm not saying your DH doesn't have the right to be hurt and angry, because he does. I understand that, believe me. But it seems that he is refusing to get on board with recovering the marriage. It looks like he's putting up his own roadblocks, and I don't think that will help either of you.

Did you look at the link I posted, where Dr. H talks about resentment? Is there any way you can talk to your BH about a session with Dr. H to help him?

Dr. H. on Resentment (emphasis mine):

Thank you Martialbliss.

I did read the article. We talked about resentment a few times. We realized he has been resenting me even though he thought he had gotten over it. However, he refuses to speak to Harley. But when I did have my session last time he was all curious about what Harley had said and assessment of the situation and the plan of action he thought I should implement or the steps to be taken. That's about all I am able to get him to be receptive to. BH will not read the article or anything associated with MB or marriage related.

I did tell him that I would even pay for the session if he wanted to talk to him alone instead as a couple so he could perspective on things. But he refused. I even mentioned that it would be a good idea whether we stayed together or not so he can find ways to put this stuff behind so he can move on with or without me (of course I would prefer with me but that of course is selfish).

So I have pretty much hit a roadblock.

He calls me his ex-wife or soon to be ex-wife. Definitely not what I wanted to hear, but again I did this.