You done good, dbaggins.

You handled this really well. Every thing she said here can be translated this way: THE AFFAIR IS STILL GOING STRONG.

That is all this was. And she is not confused about that at all. She wants both you and the OM and she is striving on how to maintain that. That is all that "space" means.


Ok, that is fine, but the most impactful thing right now is going to be the STICK. You can't let up the pressure for her to leave that job. This ship is going nowhere until that happens. She is fully committed to her affair and that will not change until they stop working together. If you let up for a second on this point, you will interpret that as complacency and you can't afford to send her that message.


Go check out the Brickhouse security thread on the spy forum. Or call Brickhouse and see if they have anything.


What happened?

Well once I knew the employer was making a move on the exposure letter, I felt it was fair to let OMW in on what I did. I was holding that info in my backpocket so that WW & OM would be blindsided. I only trust OMW so far, she is still a roller coaster.

I told OMW what I did and she has stopped texting me. I did apologize for not letting her in on it, and that they needed additional pressure to cease and desist which is why I did what I did. Maybe she will come back around, maybe not. My WW won't really talk about the details much, but I get the vibe that she doesn't think either of them will get poo-canned over it though it is still possible. I am guessing if they both keep their jobs that OMW will forgive me, and we can go back to comparing notes on the whereabouts of our WS's.

What is her family doing in all of this? You must get them on board with breaking up the affair. Call her parents and ask them to call their daughter and tell her to end the affair. Tell them that their help will ensure that your family remains intact. They have a grandchild here, so that should be part of the equation.

Tell us about the cellphone. I know mobistealth.com has a tracking program that I use, works ok.

Do you have a keylogger on her computer? Try eblaster.com for a good one.

Please get on the phone with her family today and ask them to intervene. The exposure seems to be stalling, and it's time to step it up a notch.

You're doing good, dbaggins, hang in there and don't forget that you're fighting for your child here.

dbaggins - I know what you mean about your own fog starting to lift - you've been sucker punched and starting to regain your balance. That's a great thing!

Like you, my 5 year old, inquisitive DS, has been a source of strength and joy for me. If my WW moves out, I'm sure he'll have some questions for her. She can't look to me for the answers - she'll have to answer to him. I'm not going to play along so that she can ease her conscience. I will answer honestly and hopefully in an age appropriate manner. That's my goal.

I'm trying to get her parents to step in and intervene, but they are hesitant. Her dad is an internalize kind of guy, and her mom is a worrier. I have told her mom that my WW won't come to her, and that if she is going to help she is just going to have to barge in and do it. They will both actually be at the house tonight, so maybe they will make a move.

Her phone is an old school motorola. I need to snoop into it and write down all the particulars on it. I do have desktop shark installed on the home PC, but she hasn't used it since I did on sunday.

If they're at your home, bring it up then...preferably with your child in your arms. You're going to need them pushing this with your wife.

If the phone has a SIM card, one of these may be what you're looking for:

http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/cellphone-spy-simcardreader.html

I actually went to Best Buy's website and the Little Buddy can't be ordered right now. It only gives an option to ship to store and then as you get deeper into the ordering process it doesn't recognize any store as a valid option to ship to.

I was hoping to get away without breaking the bank.

I had thought I had the fortitude for this, but I am seriously starting to question it. Now my WW is insisting she "go out with the girls" Saturday night, and mentioned she was thinking of asking our neighbors about their rental for a few months.

I don't know if I can hold up under this verbal barrage of bullcrap. Maybe the woman I loved is gone and never coming back, because I have no love for this lying. deceiving, remorseless thing. I know, I know, stay steady etc. Plan A takes months and it hasn't even been a week. Sometimes though, it just feels like Wayne Brady's gonna have to choke a *****!!

You need to 'break the bank' and get that GPS unit, dbaggins.

dbaggins - Try to hang in there. You're at the beginning of all this and don't give up yet. There's more BS to come, you'll have a 'character building' lesson as another poster put it to me. I think that's true. Do you really want to throw in the towel already? Why not see if you can join them - line up a sitter? That'll probably go over like a lead ballon, but just ask. Work your plan A - improve yourself.

Does she have the financial means to support herself?

dbaggins, just keep up the pressure. You need to tell your wife that if she doesn't end her affair by leaving the job that it will be a good idea for her to move out. Take her up on that offer. Remind her that this will lead to divorce if it doesn't stop. Tell her if it doesn't stop, you will get a legal separation on grounds of divorce. Let her know you don't trust her out of your sight and will be accompanying her if she goes out with the girls.

Don't let her get away with this abusive behavior, dbaggins. She needs to know there will be consequences for her abuse.

I am very disappointed that her parents don't care enough to speak to her. Can you ask them to perhaps stand up for their daughter and family by speaking to her? Would that be too much trouble? Ask them to use their influence to persude her to end her affair.

If they don't, I would bring it up right in front of them while she is in the room. Say, " Sally is still carrying on with her adultery partner, Joe Blow, at work every day and I wanted to know how you, as her parents, felt about that. The wife and children of her adultery partner are devastated." In other words, TALK OPENLY about her affair in front of everyone and have a discussion. Don't be dysfunctional, but openly acknowledge the elephant in the living room.

See, she still does not believe you will do anything to stop her. You need to disabuse her of that notion!

Well just ordered a GPS, will have it on Tuesday.



I guess I will try and grow a set and try to make this move. I have scheduled an appointment with a lawyer, he is a good one, so it will be almost 2 weeks before that happens. I do want to save my marriage, but I also want to have a contingency plan. Clearly there is more at stake here than just my marriage. If this thing goes down, I don't want to have just the threat of divorce ready I want to have a full blown operation ready to blow.

baggins, are you in a fault state where you can file on grounds? Find out if adultery can be taken into account. And when you contact a lawyer, I would make sure he understands that you want to make this hard, not easy. An attorney's goal is to faciliatate the easiest, softest divorce possible. You don't want that. What you want is to protect yourself legally and insert some much needed reality into the affair.

But, I would nt wait to see an attorney to tell her what I told you above. That can be done today. You can warn her this is going to divorce if she doesn't stop. Give her a chance to stop first and THEN hire an attorney if she doesn't.

As it is now, she doesn't believe you will do anything to stop her. By telling her you won't live like this, you are disabusing her of that notion.

Just checking in, because it has been some time since I last posted. I can say that I have fully instituted as good a net as I can to trap my WW. I have access to everything but the cell phone, which I know she knows I have looted from time to time because she still deletes records. The darn thing is such a dinosaur I really have no recourse with it. I have contemplated drowning the stupid thing to force a new purchase.

Between emails and GPS data I cant place anything for the last couple weeks that doesn't pass the sniff test. Not that this has earned her any trust on my end whatsoever.

We are basically in a holding pattern. She still feels she needs her "space" which means we basically just share the same house. She is still doing her one on one counseling, which I suppose is ok.

Me, I am going to the gym 4 days a week, am down 2 pants sizes since December, started a judo class, got a haircut, shaved my beard, got some new clothes, etc.

I see a lawyer in two days. I still plan to get myself prepared for the worst. I am honestly waffling on what it is I want for me. Part of me wants to follow through on Plan A, and part of me wants to skip it, not pass Go, and go directly to Plan D. I think us is worth saving, I also think my self-respect is worth having and living with this woman seriously compromises that.

I would stay on this until she leaves the job. As long as she sees the OM at work every day, the affair is still on. dbaggins, be a broken record and make sure she understands you are serious. You don't have a marriage otherwise.

I would let her know this will lead to divorce unless all contact ends. You have nothing to lose because the status quo will lead to divorce eventually.

That's wayward-speak. When is she leaving the job?

When is she leaving the job? Maybe when I file for divorce and kick her out of the house. I have exposed to her work, her parents, our friends, etc. I don't know what bite I have left to go with my bark. I have already told her, that even though I feel we can work through this we are currently on a path leading to divorce, not reconciliation per recommendations above (and it is true).

As much as I would love to strong arm her somehow into doing this, I can't control her actions. If you all have a suggestion I am all ears.

Ok, so that may have come off as a bit of a tantrum. That is probably because it was. I am frustrated, as I hope you can all appreciate, and I turned it around on the same people that are just trying to help me out. So, sorry for that.

That said, I really am all ears. I need to develop a stick to go with my carrot. Short of beating her with a literal stick at this point (which is tempting) I am a little lost.

You may not be able to control her actions but you are able to control your boundaries and one of those should be to not allow her to abuse you. And her continued contact with the OM at work is abuse, plain and simple. If she won't end her contact with him, you are facing divorce, but the slooow death of a thousand cuts on your way there.

I very much would be contacting an attorney and making plans to separate if she won't quit that job. Right now, she is so entitled and fogged out that she believes you will tolerate her abuse. As long as she believes that, she will be emboldened..

Keep in mind, that you don't have a marriage as long as she continues to see him. Recovery is impossible. She will not engage emotionally or intimately with you on anything other than a superficial level. You have nothing to lose by filing for divorce since she is already gone.

I would file, letting her know her continued contact is intolerable, and then drag things out for several months. If she leaves the job you can drop the divorce, and if she doesn't then you have lost nothing except a death of a thousand cuts.