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GH31 Offline OP
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I discovered my FWW's OM on 26th February 2008.

That's now 3 years ago.

This year I didn't even click until today that it had passed which I am taking as a good sign. It really helped that we had a big family holiday booked and I had to leave work on Friday afternoon (25th Feb) by train to join everyone else on the NSW South Coast. That's not something I normally do so it scrambled the brain. The whole weekend was spent surfing, fishing, looking after the two babies and other very enjoyable activity so I only realised that very bad anniversary had passed almost a week later.

Good.


Me: 36
FWW: 36
1 son born in Dec 2009 - confirmed mine through DNA test
1 daughter born in Nov 2010
Together: 13½ years
Married: 10 years

PA/EA: January 2008 to July 2009
FWW left for OM: 01/28/2008
FWW returned for 9 days: 04/2008
FWW returned 05/21/2008

......
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[Linked Image from kotoys.com]

Good news, brudda.


Remember that the final stage of grief is acceptance, and only when we reach that final stage, can we begin to move forward.

Accept your anger, bitterness, and resentment. Quit dragging them behind you, and carry them with you until you find a time that you can put them away.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Nice, GH. This is an encouraging post - thanks for sharing it.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Hey GH

I spent six years in the state you describe. Doing okay a lot of the time, then Squid would do something crass and I would immediately feel mugged that I stayed married to this harpie and withdraw. Squid would sigh and expect the worst. What a rubbish cycle.

What changed for us is I found out about the love and respect cycle.

I was instinctively hypersensitive to criticism and disrespect from Squid which I received as contempt. That would make me withdraw which Squid received as alack of love for her. Which would make her criticise me for "sulking". Which would make me regret that I never separated the pensions... which....

We talked about it. Squid feels that is absolutely fine to criticize me where I could improve my behaviour or husbandry. But our circumstances made me feel contempted and hateful.

[Linked Image from 2.bp.blogspot.com]

I learned that I needed to take the lead and invest unconditional love into Squid. Her response was to respond with respect which reversed that poison cycle.

[Linked Image from crowes4christ.com]

And that for the last year has laid a foundation of love and respect in our marriage that has allowed MB principles to take root. I feel respected and appreciated. Its easy to love a woman that does that.

I won't say I have no dark times, GH31, but 90% of the time I am too content to bother looking back at buried hurts.

I use this process in my marriage ministry and it seems to be very effective there too. Hope this helps buddy.


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Nice, Bubba.
Thanks for the visual aids.

I already linked to this ... here ...

PS: Notable post .... but the visual aids would not "paste".

Last edited by Pepperband; 03/02/11 10:55 AM.
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You say she actually moved-in with OM, then came crawling back. Buddy, you have a real forgiving soul. There is NO [censored] WAY she would be in my life again.

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Originally Posted by raineystreetboys
You say she actually moved-in with OM, then came crawling back. Buddy, you have a real forgiving soul. There is NO [censored] WAY she would be in my life again.
Welcome to Marriage Builders, raineystreetboys. I see you've taken the time to make a few posts. Have you also taken a few minutes to read the Basic Concepts on this site? You can find them here. Also, consider starting your own thread and tell us about your situation.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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GH31 Offline OP
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Hi Bob_Pure,

Thanks for your great post and apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I very rarelyt come on here these days - dredges up too many memories.

This sounds all too familiar:

Originally Posted by Bob_Pure
I was instinctively hypersensitive to criticism and disrespect from Squid which I received as contempt. That would make me withdraw which Squid received as alack of love for her. Which would make her criticise me for "sulking". Which would make me regret that I never separated the pensions... which....

Yes..... I feel, rightly or wrongly, that my W has no right at all to criticise me after what she herself did. If she takes exception to something I've done and broaches her grievance in a calm and respectful manner then I'm OK but we all know that being calm is tough when we're angry and put out. If we have an argument it can sometimes take me days to recover from it and I feel all the things you describe i.e. regretting opening up to her, not getting rid of her before we had the babies etc.

The only difference between you and I is that I tend to attack when I feel wronged rather than withdraw. I'm more fight than flight.

I've been implementing something similar to you but not in the clear cut way you describe. I couldn't agree more about it being the man's responsibility to lead.

Take care mate and do stay in touch.

GH31

Last edited by GH31; 05/04/11 03:24 AM.

Me: 36
FWW: 36
1 son born in Dec 2009 - confirmed mine through DNA test
1 daughter born in Nov 2010
Together: 13½ years
Married: 10 years

PA/EA: January 2008 to July 2009
FWW left for OM: 01/28/2008
FWW returned for 9 days: 04/2008
FWW returned 05/21/2008

......
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