Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 652
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 652
Quote:
You know Fred I was just thinking that with all the ladies on this site one would think they would be able to help us fellas by starting a post like "How to Understand Women (for dummies)" Perhaps even a book might be appropriate.


Here ya go BCBoy. wink

I'll start, and I'll start with the topic of gifts.

As a woman, I generally would prefer not to get gifts on the first few dates, UNLESS, those first few dates just happen to fall on a special occassion like my birthday, or Valentines, or whatever. And in that case, just something small and thoughtful.

However, I also wouldn't mind a single flower given to me on the first few dates.

DISCLAIMER: All women are not the same, and generalizations do not apply to all women.




Last edited by MyJourney; 02/28/11 10:37 PM.

D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,785
Likes: 1
I agree on the gifts. I'm a giver and find receiving gifts uncomfortable at the best of times.

In addition, if someone I hardly knew were to give me gifts, I would wonder what the agenda was.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
Does the type of gift matter? Do women interpret meaning to the type of gift?

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 94
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 94
Originally Posted By: BCboy
Does the type of gift matter? Do women interpret meaning to the type of gift?


Speaking out of my own comfort level, I would think during the initial stage of getting to know someone, any gift, even for a holiday, should be kept inexpensive and simple. Then, as you know a person better, gifts can be tailored to suit the individual.

Flowers are sweet - whether it's one or a bunch. Any small token shows thoughtfulness and that your mind is on her.

Gifts are really wonderful to me when they're unexpected - even if it's just a note with something romantic. It's like a refresher and adds something special to an otherwise ordinary day.

For me, appliances would never be an acceptable gift. crazy

Last edited by Isabeau; 03/02/11 08:32 AM.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
You folks have given me an awful lot to think about.

In a short while, I will likely be posting an update on my own thread.

This has been quite eye-opening for me!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,149
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,149
When we ask you "what are you thinking?" we really just want you to have a conversation with us.

Instead of saying "nothing", you could say something like:

"I'm not really thinking about anything special. What about you?" We women can usually take it from there. smile

Hope this helps-


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 652
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 652
Quote:
Does the type of gift matter? Do women interpret meaning to the type of gift?


It may not be a good thing, but yes, I have given meaning to gifts where I shouldn't have.

I will no longer give meanings to gifts. I would rather ask for the meaning behind the gift than to guess it.

Edited to add: I appreciate everyone's contribution to this thread. When I start dating, I may start one called "How to Understand Men".

Last edited by MyJourney; 03/01/11 10:48 PM.

D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
When you talk about what men are thinking about you should see this video about mens brains and womens brains

The nothing box

Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 94
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 94
Originally Posted By: BCboy
When you talk about what men are thinking about you should see this video about mens brains and womens brains

The nothing box


That was hilarious! I can't believe I've never even heard of him before, and I'm going to try to take small breaks throughout the day to watch his others.

Thanks, BCboy. smile

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
Originally Posted By: Isabeau

For me, appliances would never be an acceptable gift. crazy


OK, that proves how different women are. I just got a fabulous coffee maker (auto-program, water filter, the works) for my birthday from the guy I'm dating and I consider it to be one of the best gifts I ever got! Every morning when I wake up I smell the freshly brewed coffee and think of him. I feel he put a lot of thought into the gift because I'd been wanting one like it and it's something I use every single day.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888

To paraphrase Crocodile Dundee, "THAT'S not an appliance. THIS is an appliance!"



Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 94
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 94
rotflmao

Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 383
LOL!!! Hey, I'd be thrilled with that one too!!!

Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 2
M
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 2
Ha! I would love that particular one right now -- mine isn't so hot. smile

Seriously, the only way I would want a gift early on is if it were pegged to something in particular. So, for example, if I had mentioned that I liked a certain candy and he picked that up for me when he was at the store anyway, I would LOVE that. It would show that he paid attention to what I said and thought of me while going about his daily life.

What I don't like are gifts that seem designed to "prove" something about him and aren't really related to me. If it's a generic kind of gift, I'm likely to think he's trying to show me he's great and is more concerned with his image than in making me happy.

That's likely a wild misinterpretation of a man's intentions when he gives a gift, but I never claimed to be right. smile

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Why do I feel like I stepped out of a time warp? I confess that I have been influenced by the Norman Rockwell image of people at times, and always thought it was appropriate to bring a gift of flowers or a box of candy on a first date.

The only time I never did that when it was a coffee date made online (yes, I once tried the online dating thing. Not for me). Then, it was just show up, have some coffee, talk, and see if anything 'sparked.'

Now I'm reading that women don't want gifts, and actually get creeped out by them.

I think I lost 40 years of my life...


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 652
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 652
Ah Fred...you have to remember, all women are not the same. It is very possible that you could meet someone who does love gifts early on. smile

At any rate, at least you have a few different opinions of what SOME women think about it. You can use that info anyway you want to. smile


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,094
Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
Why do I feel like I stepped out of a time warp? I confess that I have been influenced by the Norman Rockwell image of people at times, and always thought it was appropriate to bring a gift of flowers or a box of candy on a first date.

The only time I never did that when it was a coffee date made online (yes, I once tried the online dating thing. Not for me). Then, it was just show up, have some coffee, talk, and see if anything 'sparked.'

Now I'm reading that women don't want gifts, and actually get creeped out by them.

I think I lost 40 years of my life...


Fred, this whole gift discussion got me thinking about (and re-reading) the book called "The 5 Love Languages" or whatever it's called, referenced on these boards from time to time. It's a cute little book with some good points.

They all want different things (just like we do)- that's the fun of it!

Opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 552
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 552
Fred,

I've been hesitating to chime in, but I think you can take it.

The woman I've been seeing for several months now had a line of suitors when I first met her. One of them was constantly calling or texting her because he had a little "gift" for her, or he would leave them on the doorstep when she was out. Little things like a potted plant or a book he thought she'd like.

She wasn't really interested in him, and her responses to his texts and gifts sounded EXACTLY like the replies you've gotten from Dancer Girl.

On the other hand, she was thrilled when I would bring her a little something. But, I would pick my spots and not overwhelm her with gifts.

I would back off on Dancer Girl for a couple weeks. No more gifts or emails. If you still think there's a possibility of you two dating more, I would ask her to a specific occasion the next time you see her. Something like, "There's a art show on Tuesday night I plan on attending, would you like to accompany me?" You should know for sure whether she is worth continued pursuit by her reaction.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Originally Posted By: schtoop
Fred,

I've been hesitating to chime in, but I think you can take it.

I can take it. wink

Originally Posted By: schtoop
I would back off on Dancer Girl for a couple weeks. No more gifts or emails. If you still think there's a possibility of you two dating more, I would ask her to a specific occasion the next time you see her. Something like, "There's a art show on Tuesday night I plan on attending, would you like to accompany me?" You should know for sure whether she is worth continued pursuit by her reaction.

I think you've been reading my mind, schtoop (or at least my thread smile ). This is exactly my plan!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
I got this in an email once:

CARLOS' GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING WOMEN -
WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS WHEN SHE SAYS:

"FINE": This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

"FIVE MINUTES": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you pay attention to her again, so it's usually an even trade.

"NOTHING": This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

"GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"GO AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 32 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5