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Originally Posted By: BCboy
You know Fred I was just thinking that with all the ladies on this site one would think they would be able to help us fellas by starting a post like "How to Understand Women (for dummies)" Perhaps even a book might be appropriate.



Lol. Didn't they say Freud died with that question still unanswered.."What do women want?"

My Dad had an answer to that question when he was asked what he wanred. He said with a smile, "The whole world, with a fence around it!"

I think its human nature to want more, even though we have a lot, we still want more. Not to rule out also, that most people expect that you want more, and go after it, and they call that being responsible, if you perscribe to thier aspirations.

I like to think on that scripture..

1 Timothy 6:5-7 (King James Version)

5 Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself.

6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.

7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.

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Well folks, I know you've all been waiting breathlessly for the latest installment of Fred's little sitcom, so wait no more... wink

Just when I had begun to think Ballroom Gal had either decided to stay out of town (or had somehow fallen into a very deep ditch), I got an email from her today.

She had gotten back from her trip Monday night (turning what I thought was a Friday-through-Sunday trip into a Wednesday-through-Monday trip), had developed a sinus infection and was very tired.

The gift basket, card and chip were there waiting for her (I don't know how the basket showed up -- it wasn't there when I dropped off the card last Wednesday night). Her words in the email said

Quote:
Thank you! You shouldn't have... REALLY, you shouldn't have. It was just a day. I appreciate the chip, thank you. I haven't looked through the basket. It is really WAY too much and entirely unnecessary! You shouldn't have!

Because of the discussion we've had here and in other recent threads, in my reply to her I wrote

Quote:
I've come to the realization that I'm much more of a "giver" than a "taker." While I usually don't consider this a character defect, I also see that this has not always resulted in positive outcomes. I don't want for you to feel uncomfortable or in any way obligated because I have given you some small gifts. In my mind, these are small tokens that just say, "I'm thinking of you." It never occurred to me that they might be seen otherwise.

I added a request that she tell me if I say or do anything that she finds "off-putting."

So, right or wrong, I put it out on the table for her. I'm not in the mood for guessing, and I'm too old for game-playing. My sense is that she was a bit overwhelmed by my gesture, and not necessarily in a good way.

This has also been a good opportunity for a little self-examination, too. What I wrote is the truth: I do think I'm more a giver than a taker. Not to say that there isn't a taker present, it's just like so many other things in my life -- I need to get them in balance!

AFGO.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Quote:
So, right or wrong, I put it out on the table for her. I'm not in the mood for guessing, and I'm too old for game-playing


Quote:
This has also been a good opportunity for a little self-examination, too. What I wrote is the truth: I do think I'm more a giver than a taker. Not to say that there isn't a taker present, it's just like so many other things in my life -- I need to get them in balance!


Ah, very good Grasshopper.

Like!


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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I think you've done well, Fred. I believe she was made uncomfortable by the gift, and your message to her should have alleviated that a bit. AND, it sounds like you've have a major new insight into who YOU are, which is wonderful. Good job!


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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Quote:
What I wrote is the truth: I do think I'm more a giver than a taker. Not to say that there isn't a taker present, it's just like so many other things in my life -- I need to get them in balance!


I think it's an MB concept (or at least an acknowledgement) that when we first meet someone the giver tends to take control. If you really like the person, same thing - giver is in command. Romantic threshold reached: same thing. [this could also be part of the infatuation stage]

Not much balance there.

Does something then happen to make the taker rear it's ugly head?

Or is the "balance" reached by accepting the actions of your dating counterpart's Giver?

Maybe someone more expert at MB philosophy can try to explain.

Opt

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Fred
I have been following your threads for a while since we are kindred spirits in a way. We are both BPD survivors, what a ride that can be. So as an encouragement to you that there may be "normal" women out there and I hope that the overhang of your previous relationship does not affect your approach too significantly.

I sense you are a nice guy. Any woman worth dating will sense that and respond (I am told there are plenty of bad boys out there and good guys are in short supply) So good luck out there. Be yourself because that is all you need to be.

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Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
So, right or wrong, I put it out on the table for her. I'm not in the mood for guessing, and I'm too old for game-playing. My sense is that she was a bit overwhelmed by my gesture, and not necessarily in a good way.

This has also been a good opportunity for a little self-examination, too. What I wrote is the truth: I do think I'm more a giver than a taker. Not to say that there isn't a taker present, it's just like so many other things in my life -- I need to get them in balance!

AFGO.


You're so awesome. smile

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Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
Thank you! You shouldn't have... REALLY, you shouldn't have. It was just a day. I appreciate the chip, thank you. I haven't looked through the basket. It is really WAY too much and entirely unnecessary! You shouldn't have!

I see the score as 1 "thank you" and 3 "you shouldn't have!"s. So aside from dousing you with cold water, did she suggest anything like another date, or any other sign of interest?

AGG


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Originally Posted By: AGoodGuy
Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
Thank you! You shouldn't have... REALLY, you shouldn't have. It was just a day. I appreciate the chip, thank you. I haven't looked through the basket. It is really WAY too much and entirely unnecessary! You shouldn't have!

I see the score as 1 "thank you" and 3 "you shouldn't have!"s. So aside from dousing you with cold water, did she suggest anything like another date, or any other sign of interest?

Actually, there were TWO "thank yous." smile

"No" to your other two questions.

And that's why I'm pulling back. I responded in an email rather than a phone call. I'm shifting my focus to work, church and my upcoming running events, first.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
Originally Posted By: AGoodGuy
Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
Thank you! You shouldn't have... REALLY, you shouldn't have. It was just a day. I appreciate the chip, thank you. I haven't looked through the basket. It is really WAY too much and entirely unnecessary! You shouldn't have!

I see the score as 1 "thank you" and 3 "you shouldn't have!"s. So aside from dousing you with cold water, did she suggest anything like another date, or any other sign of interest?

Actually, there were TWO "thank yous." smile


Touche, I guess I can't count without my calculator smile ...

Quote:
"No" to your other two questions.

And that's why I'm pulling back. I responded in an email rather than a phone call. I'm shifting my focus to work, church and my upcoming running events, first.


Sounds like a plan. Don't forget that there are other fish in the sea other than this one... It's not a "ballroom girl or nothing" proposition smile .

AGG


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Originally Posted By: AGoodGuy
Don't forget that there are other fish in the sea other than this one... It's not a "ballroom girl or nothing" proposition smile .

You're absolutely right, AGG. And as you and others have pointed out, the real success story here is in overcoming the fear and reluctance to get back into the dating pool.

Which isn't to say that I still don't have some trepidation and (a lot of) questions. But like riding a roller coaster, after the first time it gets a lot easier!


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Originally Posted By: Fred_in_VA
..I added a request that she tell me if I say or do anything that she finds "off-putting."

So, right or wrong, I put it out on the table for her. I'm not in the mood for guessing, and I'm too old for game-playing. My sense is that she was a bit overwhelmed by my gesture, and not necessarily in a good way.

This has also been a good opportunity for a little self-examination, too. What I wrote is the truth: I do think I'm more a giver than a taker. Not to say that there isn't a taker present, it's just like so many other things in my life -- I need to get them in balance!

AFGO.


Bravo, seize the day.

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You've handled this well, Fred.

I can't imagine getting a wonderful gift basket and not bothering to look through it before sending an e-mail to the giver saying it was too much and they shouldn't have. Really? She sounds ungrateful.

Think it might be time to spread your 'good guy-ness' around to someone more appreciative.

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Originally Posted By: SidneyT
You've handled this well, Fred.

I can't imagine getting a wonderful gift basket and not bothering to look through it before sending an e-mail to the giver saying it was too much and they shouldn't have. Really? She sounds ungrateful.

Think it might be time to spread your 'good guy-ness' around to someone more appreciative.


Yeah, she might not be ready to get close to someone, and in my experience, if you try to figure that out, your working to hard.

You ain't gonna "save" this one right fred?

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Originally Posted By: ConstantProcess
You ain't gonna "save" this one right fred?

Nope. I only look stupid.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Yeah, and like I allways say. "Hey, I'm not as stupid as I look!"

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the gift without know her too well or long enough is throwing off the concept of just meeting a person to get to learn about them . . .

practice with out the gifts. . . just start with buying coffee or the meal. .

wiffty


Learning from your own mistakes creates experience, learning from books creates knowledge, combining the two together creates wisdom => You start with a full bag of luck, and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Fred_in_VA #2485624 03/06/11 09:18 PM
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It's a rainy Sunday evening, so I thought I'd just post an update of sorts. Really a "non-update," as things have gotten deathly quiet on the dating front.

No word from Ballroom Lady since I emailed her on Tuesday. No sign of Church Gal (that makes it what, three weeks in a row?).

This is probably good news, actually. The reason? My business partner and I have launched a new venture. We had an opportunity fall into our lap, and since she wants to diversify (a legal move, to protect some of her assets and future income) we're moving fast to bring a new software product to market. We're hustling to put together a technical specification, have spoken with a contract programming company, are registering our domains and putting all the pieces into place. We are hoping to "go live" around the first of May.

So you can see, the fast track has moved from spending comfortable time with the ladies to getting a new business up and running.

I'll probably be too busy to think about "down time" dating for a while...


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Fred_in_VA #2485878 03/07/11 12:32 PM
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Fred, let me be the first to wish you luck in your new venture:
"LUCK!!" :-)
Sounds like a great opportunity and I know you'll make the most of it.

I'm glad your recent dating experiences bore fruit like intorducing possibly some new areas of interest (in the form of BR dancing), and giving you confidence over the longstanding mental block of taking the first step.

Opt

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what opt said..

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