and some answers to the basics..
i am 27, he is 31.. 2 little girls 6 and 4.. together 7 years in may, married 4 years in july. 1st marriage for both. we had children before marriage.. 1st child was made the very 1st time we had sex. so, we had no time to be a couple or even get to know eachother. im not sure about the WS and BS. of course i feel betrayed but i know he didnt cheat. though i did.. so, not sure how to abbreviate that. we live in co. my WHOLE family is in AZ. we really have no support here. my husband doesnt really "like" his mom and hates his brother.. thats all thats here. so all we have is eacother. anyway, thanks for all your help everyone!

It's still coming up via Google.

Please heed the advice that other veteran posters give you, especially those who've completed recovery of their marriages(I'm not one of them yet).

I did not have a revenge affair as such, i.e. an ongoing romantic attachment with an OW but I did have 2 drunken one night stands with other women whilst my wife had gone off to bang OM. I understand, but do not excuse, the emotions (anger, bitterness, vengefulness, wanting to get your self worth back) that lead betrayed men to do that.

If he's anything like me, he'll be asking himself what kind of man he is if he stays with you after you cheated on him.

I wish you success in recovering your marriage, if that's what you want.

Stephanie,

Hopefully the texting was all there was to it. What other means do you have of monitoring him where he goes? Do you have a keylogger or GPS on the vehicle? Hopefully, he is just angry at you right now to where he doesn't know where to go... We all hope he isn't have an revenge affair to try to sort out his feelings of betrayal.

In that case you are going to have to try to meet his needs and give him a chance to analyze what he wants from you!

none except checking in on where he says he is.. he comes home after work.. he has gone to the bar the last 2 weekends shutting it down and getting rides home.. but i do look out the window to see who it is dropping him off and its always people i know.. he is the only one in the car. he knows im on here and he still says he didnt do anything with "her" nor would he but he does aknowledge that is was wrong and he knew better. i dont think she is really the problem anymore. now, its he wants out and i want him to stay and work on it. i dont want to degrade myself in makinghim stay either.. i dont want to give him sex and make him feel good if hes just going toleave.. is that REALLY what i have to do to try and make this work? he agreed to meeting a christian councelor tonight. i originally set that up just for me andmy girls.. but invited him and he said it cant hurt.. so, thats good i guess. i take that and the fact that he helped me reg to be on here as a positive thing.. maybe a little part of him doesnt want to throw it all away.. why else would he help me? anyway, thats all for now..

Having been on both sides of the fence, I can comment from experience: My opinion is that most married people with children won't just exit the M to live alone. In your case, I suspect that your H still feels the sting of your "abandonment." It's a difficult position to be in......being "abandoned," and then taking the betrayer back.

I believe your H has a back-up plan (another woman,) and he probably feels empowered by having another woman ready to step in and replace you. My FWW and I both have used the "we were only talking" line of BS. That's textbook "trickle-truth." He only tells you what you need to know, preferable as little as possible, because he doesn't want to "hurt you."

His behavior of being cold and withdrawn are more classic symptoms of being in the fog of an EA/PA. Your biggest strategic mistake I see is believing that "I don't think she is really the problem anymore." HUGE MISTAKE.

People in A's will go to extraordinary lengths to hide it. Just because he comes home with friends doesn't mean he spent his time at the bars with friends. I know because I've pulled the same crap myself many, many years ago.

Hmmm. well right now on my luch hour, i bought him a thinking of you card and asked if i could bring it by his work.. he said put it on my window im not there. i asked where he was, he said to lunch with a guy from work. i said where.. he danced around the subject but did tell me. i dont believe him at ALL! i did this same stuff. left my car at work, went with "him".. been there done it! what else can i do to make sure theres no one else?

He is having an affair stephanie. You need to expose this.

Stephanie,

Couple things for you to think about. Yes, it does sound as if he is in an affair, emotional if not physical.

Many times the BS often really struggles around the one year anniversary of d-day (discovery day). A lot of questions come up along with considerable anger as this anniversary comes and goes. So pay attention to that.

Next let's talk about SF. If you read Harley's articles on needs you will notice something that is often missed. He lists sexual fulfilment as an EMOTIONAL need. This is particularly true as it is one of the main methods by which men bond with women. Women tend to bond emotionally before physically, men not so much. Here is a questions for you, are you "giving" or "allowing" him SF? Or are you sharing SF with your H? You need to decide this because it will determine how you feel about this very important part of marriage. It will also determine how he feels about it as well. Men know the difference between "sex" and "loving". They perfer loving with their spouse.

You need to address these things as well as the real possibility that he is having an affair. I will bet a lot no matter the situation, he is questioning big time whether he should have tried to recover the marriage, this often happens about the 1 year point.

Just some thoughts.

HOpe they help.

God Bless,

JL

Q: During your recovery did you both follow MB principles, or was that recovery a mishmash of what your minister told you, what a counselor, told you, and what was read online here?

You need a real, real way to try to fix things.

One thing Stephanie....did you send a no contact letter to your affair partner? Did you take EXTRAORDINARY precautions to make your husband feel loved and safe after you stabbed him in the back? I am asking the hard things, because I am wondering where is the real remorse here.

Feeling betrayed (and I know how this feels) is ilterally like a knife in the back, delivered and jabbed in by the one who is supposed to love and honor and protect you. Your husband is experiencing the angst and anger that comes in waves. It will come.

Seven years after what my xh did to me, sometimes I myself, am brought to that moment again by a trigger either on tv, or something I see, and I am a happily remarried woman (to somebody else now).

I do believe your husband might behaving a revenge affair. My suggestion is to begin to follow MB principles and bust it up...but IF YOU DID NOT send the no contact letter to your affair partner last year, I would write one, show it to your husband, tell him how you are 100 percent now on board with MB principles, and how you are so sorry for what happened and want to rebuild a new and loving marriage with him and have him walk with you to the mailbox to mail that letter, and show him what the letter says with his approval. Tell him that you want him to be faithful too, and that you are committed to rebuilding a NEW and better marriage, with a new foundation. Trust, love, intimacy and respect.

Then plan A your butt off. You seriously need to. Also I'd confront this ow (potential ow).

oh man... ok. i cut it off with my person i was having an affair with with 1 text and i have never heard from him again. my husband knows this cause he has access to anything of mine.. at any time. we did go to a counceling session tonight and he committed to do the visits which consists of 8-10 visits.. he did say hes leaning towards divorce but would see the councelor to try to fix himself. he nvered mentioned trying to fix us. idk. i do want to have a sexual relationship and show him love but i feel i will be rejected.. or just used for sex. im taking ur advice everyone so, spill. what should i do? nothing worse can happen here! i didnt make any extra effor to make my husband feel loved after my affair. i think i was more worried about making him trust me again and didnt worry about loving on him or giving him sex. that i messed u bad! should i let him read this or keep him out of it? im really confused. i did read through the basics and lots of other areas on here. im still so confused on what to do now and next? esp since i dont really think he has a other person.. help me... thanks guys!

Stephanie,

Start with Plan A. Meet his needs, be kind to him, talk with him, tell him your desires, dreams and goals. Start to share with him again. You left, you had an affair, and very likely he feels you are only with him for the support not because you care for him. Your words don't mean nearly as much as actions do.

If a friend to you that was very emotionally hurt by someone else, what would you do? Would you comfort them, would you listen to them, would you calm them, would you assure them of your friendship, would you be honest with them?

Please think about this carefully. I would really recommend that you read Harley's 4 rules for a good marriage. That is where you want to go. Let's start simple treat him like a very hurting friend and go from there.

No love busters and losts of TLC.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Has he ever really given voice to what he fears in this marriage, what he fears in the future, what worries him? Ask him.

Stephanie,

Listen to the vets who have recovered their marriages. Also, if at all possible, get a phone session with the Harleys.

Rely on nothing other than incontrovertible, objective proof to determine whether or not he's still in the affair. Snooping will let you know what you must know. My educated guess is that he is still well and truly in the affair.

Just Learning could not be more correct.

If your husband is anything like me he will most defninitely be feeling this. There were many, many times after my FWW's A when I felt a host on which she was the parasite even though objectively that wasn't so.

I would go so far as to say your words mean nothing to him, only your actions, your consistent actions mean anything at all. The only way your husband will ever trust you again is for you to be trustworthy, consistently and for the rest of eternity.

It may take years for the trust to return. D-Day for me was over three years ago and I'm only just beginning to trust my wife again.

Lots of TLC for your hubby as JL says, to the extent that he will allow you to care for him.

Your statement above stopped me cold. For your long term survival with your H, you must create a loving, safe, happy environment within your M. If you have never sat him down and looking him straight in the eye and TOLD him how sorry and remorseful your are, now would be a good time. Tell him you've been in his shoes, and A's only cause pain. You two can work this out together, and you are starting by recommitting to your M and will do whatever it takes to make it right.

stephanie, I am trying to be very careful with what I post right now....but I will say this.

Nothing ever excuses adultery. That is said by more people on here than I can count and by Dr. Harley . And you know what.......that applies to EVERYONE who is betrayed, even if they are a FWS. Period. End if story. If adultery is wrong, it is wrong for everyone, even if someone else did it first.

If you have not read SAA, I would highly highly recommend it. It will give you a great amount of help from both sides of the fence, so to speak.

Also, I know you said you don't have a lot of financial resources, but I would almost say even if you have to get a credit card for just this purpose.....call the Harleys counseling center. I have recently re-read a lot of things that Dr. Harley has actually written, and I think with some of the particulars of your situation, getting help from the horse's mouth would be a bastion of comfort for you.

You have been a FWW...as have I. And there is no excuse for what we chose in the past. Today, March 3 2011.....you are also a BS. And I know that hurts. And I hope your marriage finds restoration and healing.

thank you all so very much! you guys are truely great on here and you are such a help to me. only with you all do i have hope my marriage will and can survive! i daily print this stuff out and try to live by it daily.. thanks!

Was the reason you had an affair stephanie and the reasoning why you chose to make no extra effort was because you wanted him to make the extra effort to make you happy? Did you do it to "kick his butt in gear?"

I find it very disturbing you chose not to repair the damage you caused but you simply just "returned to normal." There is no such thing as forgive and forget that easy.. I feel you may have ticked and hurt your husband after the affair by being so restrained.

Betrayed Spouses need an enormous amount of love directed towards them with actions. Without that, they simply believe you aren't worthy of their loyalty. I believe this is what happened.

Plan A all the way.. You need to stop in front of him and break down saying how bad you are... that you want a second chance.

ok. i will do just that.. and to answer your questions... yes i left because thing were bad around here. my H didnt help, didnt show love, didnt talk, didnt really do anything.. he wasnt meeting any needs.. we were more like roomates.. going through all of this, makes me realize just how much i do love him and want him to stay! i am trying my hardest though he does say, none of this is going to work, that im wasting my time. he has made his mind up and is attending counceling for himself not us.. idk? thanks though

Ask for a second chance and start showing him how much you care. By the way, you said you neglected his need for sex. You shuld start there by dressing sexy for him and being passionate towards him during sex. Have sex every day. Good plan A strategy I believe. Tell him you refuse to live in a loveless marriage. Admire him and ask for his help. Tell him how great he is, what a big heart he has, etc. hug him and kiss him as he comes home from work every day.

i have done all of this but find myself pissed off from time to time because im getting nothing in return.. how does a person live like that? hes going out tonight for the 3rd time in 3 weeks. he stays out all night making me worry. so, to defend myself i turn into some nasty person.. i have had sex, loved on him, even been annoying with the cards and texts and kisses and hugs. im annoying him and i just am sick of this. i hurt so bad right now, i dont know how else to act! im doing the love dare book as well... idk. im so down, im so frustrated, im so stuck!

Hi Steph - couple of thoughts:

Is there any way you can follow him and find out where he's going tonight and who he's with? You or a trusted friend? If you can manage a PI (although admittedly tonight is short notice) you might want to seriously consider it.

Part of the going out may just be he knows he's making you worry, but in light of his behavior with the supposed "friend," makes me suspect there could be more to it.

OK - as far as this:

Been there, done that. It does nothing to help the situation. Every time you do, you're LB'ing him. And that's chipping away at his LB$ balance for you. And, in the wake of your A, that LB$ balance was likely in the red. I know it gets frustrating, believe me. Your story is similar to mine, although I don't suspect my H of an RA at this time. From your posts, it sounds like your H followed Plan A, which eventually built your LB$ balance up until you felt romantic feelings for him. But his LB$ for you remained in the red, and sounds like it has never made it back.

It's been explained to me before that it's like taking handfuls of rice and throwing them at a wall. Most of that rice is going to bounce off the wall, but there are some cracks in the wall that are going to allow that rice to make it through. Being "nasty" towards him - even if you are trying to defend yourself - is like mixing some mouse turds into the rice. And unfortunately those always seem to make it through the wall. And they tend to plug up some of those cracks, too. (credit goes to HHH for that analogy!)


Did you two do the emotional needs questionnaires? (ENQ) Does he like "being loved on"? Has he said you are "annoying" him? One of my mistakes was that I was real good at showing H affection in ways that were meaningful to me, but didn't do a darn thing for filling his LB$. When you can hit on the things that are meaningful to him, then those deposits start adding up.

And the Love Dare is a great thing to do, but IMHO, it is more for you than your spouse. The LD is all about unconditional love, which is not what MB is based on. I know there's some threads on here that have addressed that, I am pretty sure it came up on my thread b/c I did the LD also. I'm thinking that the LD may just be too much on you right now, with trying to Plan A plus the snooping to determine if there is an RA going on.