My story: Me, the BW, (40), WH (42). Together 24 years (high school sweethearts), married 18 years, 2 children, ages 2 and 5. Husband had short affair in November 2010 while on a five day business trip. I discovered it almost immediately, as his behavior changed overnight. I�ve known this man since I was 16 years old. He came home a completely different person. Now he claims he�s been miserable for a long time (total garbage and trying to justify what he did) and isn�t sure our marriage is fixable (afraid to do the work and afraid I'll never trust him again). As far as I know he hasn�t seen OW again (she lives 3,000 miles away), but has remained in contact with her. He said he was going to move out, but I kicked him out first because he was dragging his feet about leaving while in constant communication with her and treating me with anger and hostility all the time. I was losing my mind. I also exposed to our family and close friends.

After three weeks of almost no contact between us (and this was over the holidays, too), we started talking again, tentatively discussing working things out. He�s very depressed, ashamed and doubtful things can be repaired. We started working on UA, spending a lot of time together, getting a babysitter once or twice a week, etc. He still lives in his crappy apartment. He seemed to have broken contact with her for the first month that he and I were discussing what we should do, but then I checked the wireless bill and saw that she had texted him once and he had texted her back once. When I confronted him, he claimed she had texted him to ask if she could call and he told her it wasn;t a good idea Then he said he knew I would never trust him again. After that, he became distant and they were in contact again for a couple of weeks, while I started doing as much Plan A-ing I could, but I realize I�m not really Plan Aing because he doesn�t live here. Also, my Plan A seems to be all carrot and no stick. No one is putting any pressure on him because to them there is no OW, she�s too far away and he�s downplaying the A and telling them that our marriage was just broken. And it�s such a departure from anything anyone ever expected from him (complete and total shock by everyone I told without exception, just as I felt), that they believe him because none of this makes sense anyway.

I've read HNHN, LB and SAA and am doing as much as I can alone, as he is barely trying. Contact between them (according to the wireless bill) seems off again, on again. He�ll come around me and the kids and be loving and giving for a week and have no communication with her, then will avoid us for a couple days while he texts or talks to her. Then he�ll be back around and it will seem like he�s broken contact. Then she�ll contact text him again and he�ll freak out and disappear again. We made what I thought was a lot of progress in the last couple of weeks, but I had already decided that my semi-�Plan A� had a deadline of the end of February, because I'm really starting to feel hurt and angry all the time because he's so ambivalent and apathetic.

On this Monday, Feb 28 I gave him the MB home study course that I had ordered, asked him to look it over and said I�d like to know what he thought by this coming weekend. (Before he leaves for a business trip on Sunday.) And then yesterday (Wednesday) she texted him (after about ten days of no contact) and they texted NON-STOP, ALL DAY. This is more contact that he�s had with her in the last two months all total (based on our wireless bills)!

I think our discussion this Saturday can go one of three ways 1) He�ll say �Let�s do MB.� (Don�t expect this), 2) He�ll say �I don�t want to do MB.� (Also don�t expect this � he�s a HUGE conflict avoider), 3) He�ll say �I don�t know� I didn�t really have a chance to look at it. (This is what I expect. And it�s a total lie. He�s had plenty of time this week.) Regardless, I fully expect to give him a Plan B letter and tell him to go away until he has his head on straight, if ever. I have reached the end of my rope and am really starting to resent him, so I know it�s time.

Here are some of my logistical problems with Plan B:

Our children. It�s impossible for me to go truly dark and have no contact with him. Our kids are 2 and 5. We live far away from family and don�t have friends in the town we live in that are able to offer much help or that could act as intermediaries. Even if we did, we�re in a situation where he has to come over every morning to take the kids to daycare. I work out of town and cannot take them to daycare every day due to the length of my commute and the amount of time daycare allows. (For instance, when he travels, I have to get up at four in the morning to get the kids and I ready and out the door, have to make arrangements for daycare to open early so I can drop them off in time to get to work, have to pay extra to leave them there that long and sometimes have to get permission to leave work early to pick them up. I cannot do that every day. I wouldn�t be able to function like that, can�t afford it and would probably lose my job.)

Timing. I�m having surgery March 17th. He had already agreed to take me to surgery and bring me home and help care for me for a few days. I have a friend who is going to take me and bring me home, but she can�t stay with me the first 24 hours like someone is supposed to. We don�t have any family close to us. There isn�t anyone I know who could take time off work to do this for me. I�ll also need his help with the kids for several days, and he doesn�t have anywhere he can have them stay (his apartment is too tiny with very little furniture), so he will probably need to stay here. We had already worked all this out. Should I try to postpone Plan B until after my surgery? That would be almost another month. I don�t think I can bear to do that.

Money. Our finances are completely fused and there�s no way to separate them completely while we are still married. We own two properties together, have a large home equity line of credit, have all our insurance policies together (life, car, homeowners, disability), etc. I can�t afford to separate these. Right now both of our paychecks are deposited into our joint account and I manage our finances. I pay both mortgages, daycare, utilities, etc out of those joint funds. Most things like insurance and most other bills are just automatically withdrawn from our joint account. My student loans have been consolidated, but it was money used by both of us to live and update our first house, so he helps me pay. I bought a new car last year which is in my name, but it�s our family car so he helps me pay. (The deal we made years ago is we take my car everywhere and I get a new one every five years and we hardly ever use his truck so he will keep it forever and drive it into the ground. His truck is paid off). That�s why all of our finances are merged. We have always viewed all debt as joint debt because we�ve been together so long. If I started to separate our finances, I�m pretty sure he would move his paycheck to his solo account. He makes more than double what I make. I can�t move bills like the student loans and car payment out of our joint account because I cannot afford to pay those bills by myself, but because they�re in my name he doesn�t �have� to help. I can�t separate my insurance policies from his because I can�t afford to pay for them myself. I can�t afford to separate and pay my wireless bill myself, because he gets us a 20% discount through his employer and the bill also includes our very expensive wireless internet access/modem (we can�t get cable internet access where we are). If we do get divorced, he will have to pay me enough in child support and spousal support that I will just be able to swing things as long as I sell the house I�m in and get something smaller and cheaper (I�ve already used our state�s online support calculator).

House. Our house, the one I�m still living in, is too large and has too much property for me to maintain alone. It�s been a huge struggle since I made him leave. Compounding this is that it�s situated very privately and rurally and when the weather gets bad, he has to come over and plow me out or I would literally be trapped here (we basically live on a mountain with our own private road). Or if the road gets too muddy and impassable in the spring, he has to use machinery to re-grade it.

Is there any hope for a Plan B?

Hello Hyacinth. I'm sorry about your situation.

Who is the OW? Is she married? Did you expose to her husband, family, friends? Sound like they're colleagues, so exposure should be done to their employers, too, including management and HR.

Regarding your logistical problems with Plan B, did you have these same problems during the three week period over holidays? What I'm really asking is whether it was truly "almost no contact."

Do you think he's meeting OW Sunday?

Can you put spyware on his phone to learn the content of his texts with OW?

Regarding Plan B, for it to be effective, there needs to be no contact with WH whatsoever.

It sounds like you already know that he's getting some of his needs met by OW and some of his needs met by contact with you and the kids. He thinks he can have it all, and at this point he is succeeding. You realize this, which is why you're wise enough to want to break the cycle.

Pretend for a moment that you are divorced. Would you still want him to come over your house every morning to pick up the kids for daycare?

You are smart to figure out all the financial issues and other logistics before going to a true Plan B. The people here will help you through those issues.

Have you considered doing the MB phone counseling/coaching?

I think it would be money very well spent to have your WH speak with them.

Do you think he might be willing?

Has family put pressure on him to end contact with OW? What is his response to them? Avoidance?

(Edit: I re-read what you said about this ... that nobody thinks there's an OW because she lives far away and they believe his denials. How did you expose - orally or in writing? Have you offered any evidence that the affair is real, that it continues and it's destroying your family?)

OW is 25 and divorced. She lives on the other side of the country, 3,000 miles away. They aren't colleagues; they are in similar professions. He does training seminars and she was a student in one of his seminars. I can't say for sure that he's not meeting her, but my vibe is that he's not. He's not going to be anywhere near where she lives. Although I admit I could be wrong about it and maybe they are meeting.

Over the holidays, it was easier to do almost no contact because I am a teacher, so I didn't have to work for most of the three weeks after I kicked him out. There were a few days when he did take the kids to school, but as soon as he walked in the house I walked out, which is about all I can think of to do now. Also, he was on a business trip for several days before the holidays and his mother was here visiting, so she stayed with me and cared for the kids so they didn't have to go to daycare. (I told her the whole story while she was here, but she's even a bigger conflict avoider than him. She's so passive - that's where he learned it - and although she claimed she was going to ask him about OW, I know she never did. She lives 1,500 miles away, so they mostly communicate by email and text, and I've read some of his emails to his mom and he lies to her, downplaying everything.)

I can't ever get my hands on his phone. Also, he does computer and technology investigative work for a living, so I say without a doubt that if I could put spyware on his phone he would find it immediately.

Oh yes. For example, during your surgery you could have him take the kids to his house and hire a nurse to stay with you for 24 hours. As far as your work/babysitter situation, you are going to have to figure that all out when you are divorced anyway, so you need to get that worked out now. I would approach this with the attitude that you are getting divorced and perhaps even file for divorce so you are protected legally in matters of finances and child visitation.

He will have to continue to pay your bills. If you don't file, he can just stop paying if the spirit moves him. And this is very common.

Get your lives legally separated and then go into Plan B.

Who is the OW and have you exposed the affair to her family? Is she married? What does she do? Who is she?

You said your H has spun the story to some folks. Have you been in contact with those people to give them the correct story?

Does she have a facebook page?

Hyacinth, this is not the kind of stuff that is relevant any longer. You are on the precipice of the ruination of your marriage. Staying in contact with him is what Dr Harley calls "Plan C" for compromise and is the most likely to lead to divorce. Staying in touch with him is wearing you down mentally and physically and when you have a nervous breakdown from all this abuse, your marriage really will be over. If you don't grow to hate him first.

Forget the phone bills and get into Plan B. Get yourself legally protected so he has to continue to pay the bills. Get into the DIVORCED mindset. I realize that sounds oxymoronic, but getting into Plan B, and getting yourself protected is the best hope for your marriage.

I don't think he would consider MB phone counseling/coaching. He's refused to go to counseling here, I think mostly because he's uncomfortable discussing his feelings with anyone. Even to his friends and family. He's a pretty stoic closed book. His mom even admitted she knows that. She said she always thought I was good for him, because he would open up to me and not anyone else.

His family is putting NO pressure on him. I think he's painted a picture that our marriage was hell and he was miserable and I was a B... After I initiate Plan B, I am calling his mother again to give her an update. No one in either of our families knows we've been "talking" or anything. Like I said, they live far away. Also, we hadn't reached any conclusions or even started a recovery program/counseling, so there wasn't much to tell. Part of my plan is to call his mom, who I'm fairly close to, and update her that we tried to work it out but he continued to lie to me the whole time these past two months. Like I said, he's downplayed the OW as a one-time mistake that he regretted and said he was only leaving because our marriage was terrible. And he's avoided talking to them at all, really. They need to know the truth.

When we get divorced, he will be coming over every day to take the kids to daycare and later to put them on the school bus. We were working on a custody agreement during our previous separation and that was something we

That is a really bad idea and I would rethink that. You won't be able to count on that if you are divorced and remarried, for example. That won't be good for you in any way.

Hyacinth, I would focus on 2 things: getting your ducks in a row to go into an air tight Plan B, and exposing this affair. And what I mean by that is that you call his family members and friends, tell them the truth and ask them to use their persuasion to influence him to end his affair. Tell them all about the continued affair. Ask for their help. Call everyone you both know and enlist them.

On the same day, I would do a nuclear explosion to the OW's side. Expose to her parents, friends, family and EMPLOYER. Write the HR director at her company and tell them about the affair. While they probably can't/won't do anything, just exposing it there will put her on the spot. I am hoping she has a facebook page, because sending private messages to all her FB friends can be very effective.

Have you spoken to her yet? I would do that next. Tell her that your H is married and ask her to leave your H alone.

She has one but it is locked down completely. You can't even see her friend list. They were friends on Facebook, but when I confronted him, he obviously told her and she blocked me. Then, when he "came back around" starting in January, he unfriended her. (Other people could see her and she's gone from his list, and his list number totals the number of friends I can see, too).

This is why the story should come from YOU. Additionally, his family needs to know the NAME of this wh*re so they won't allow her around. They need to know, and the OW needs to know they know. See, she is probably counting on taking your place, but she will have second thoughts if she knows the whole family knows she is a marriage wrecking skankho.

When you call her, let her know there is no future for her because she will be eternally hated by your in-laws and your children for her part in wrecking your marriage. Let her know the whole family knows she is nothing more than an OW. Let her know if this comes to divorce that you will bar her legally from being around your children.

You are probably blocked, so either set up another facebook page so you can get a list of her friends or ask a friend to do it. Copy and paste her friends' names into a word doc and save it.

Here is a sample letter you can send out - when you do this, space them out a minute apart so fb does not shut you down for flooding:

Facebook exposure suggestions



Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

Exposure killed my H's affair DEAD on the very day I exposed.

This is your best bet if you even want a chance at recovery. My Plan B was only about 6 weeks long because the A died the day I exposed.

READ THIS:

another great post about facebook exposures:


To add to Tabby's excellent suggestions, send the messages a minute apart so fb doesn't shut you down for flooding. Before you start, copy and paste all the friends into a WORD doc.

I really have no way to contact her family, friends and workplace. I have no way of knowing who her friends are (can't even see her friend list on Facebook). She lives on the other side of the country. I have no way of knowing who her family is. A google search of her turns up NOTHING. And here's why: As for work, she is in law enforcement and works for a very large government agency. I have minimal details about her job and I think it's possible that she works undercover (she texted him from an undercover cellphone once). Even if I could contact her workplace, they're not going to give out any details about her, the name of her supervisor, etc. They might even disavow that she works there.

If anyone has suggestions on this, I'd love to hear them.

As for Facebook, I KNOW I am blocked. But even before I was blocked, I still couldn't see her friends list. And when I log in as my best friend, I can still see her "profile," but all you can see is her picture and her name. That's it. Like I said, she is locked down tight (probably because of the sensitive nature of her job). Facebook is a no go. Believe me, I checked this out a long time ago.

I would start to focus on ways to find solutions rather than reasons why you CAN'T do something. Do you realize you are doing that? You seem to have a reason why you can't do almost everything necessary to protect yourself and save your marriage. We aren't going to be able to help you if you can't do anything we suggest.

Ok, then contact a PI and get a background check on her. here They usually charge $200-400 for a background check. As far as exposing her at work, you can send a letter to the Director of Human Resources where she works.