Well one good thing is going on. There is anger and trouble in crappy affairland b/c of the pictures. And I am sure they do not paint her in good light!

Now about you and the kids, your wh is vindictive and cruel and you cannot allow him to finance the affair with your joint monies. Good for you filing for the legal separation. Make copies of ALL MONIES spent on skankyho "nasty bits" and make sure attny has that information. I would ask to be refunded the exact amount of the $ he has spent on her, that you would never agree to your joint $ being used for that.

Be kind to yourself right now. Your wh is in full taker mode, is angry that the world has viewed what he has done, and is being totally irrational about the job thing. Of course, he has to leave the job. I certainly believe that possibly the ow might get fired (crossing fingers) since the pictures got out. And do not worry about anything. The ow took photos of herself. Like the old saying, don't do anything that you would be ashamed to show either your grandma or priest...and we know what ol' "nastybits" did didn't we?

Your ws is just fuming and being arrogant. What will happen next, courtesy of plan B, will be him and the ow beginning to argue alot. If you pull yourself out of their crazy drama, they begin usually to turn on themselves. Don't listen to his rantings and lies. Now is the time for peace, some financial and personal sanity (let the lawyer deal with the wh and the $ problems he's creating), and step back from their crazymaking.

Plan B sometimes IS a Godsend. It gives you some space from the stress of daily dealing with a wayward. Let your lawyer know you do not want to have visitation modified, and that the issue of ws taking out money and paying for ow with joint monies has to stop. Let him handle that.

And also relax. know that if your ws is fuming mad after this exposure that IT WORKED REALLY WELL!

I seriously think the ow may get fired..my hopes again.

Meanwhile, pull back, try to relax. Disengage courtesy of plan B, and the affairees will begin to turn on each other in the absence of you fueling the fire of their silly teenage dramas.

Hugs to you. Wish you well. We're here

Peachy,

My greatest revenge on them is that they get exactly what they want - each other.

H should be ecstatic - he's got his girl, his job, his freedom. What the heck is he so mad about?

I continue to avoid him. Atty will serve him next week. We'll see what happens.

Good for the legal separation in your situation.
Congrats if you are pregnant.....even if it is a tough time.......if you are not....phew!

He is hissing, spitting wild cause it IS having effect. Disregard anything he says....since it is all conflicting opposites from moment to moment.

Tell mom/IM not to hand phones to you again.

We are here for you to work through this muck and mire to wherever you wind up. You will wind up on a good place...whoever winds up there with you.

H was served yesterday with papers for legal separation. No news on that front.

In the meanwhile, I heard back from my MIL (I sent two emails to MIL & FIL during exposure.) Basically, MIL says they're staying out of H's "affairs of the heart" - no pun intended on her part, I guess. But she was going to butt in enough to comment on me and my faults.

Most of the email focused on why I was a bad daughter-in-law (I didn't invite them over to dinner enough, etc.) and how they bent over backwards to welcome me into their family (by not giving me a wedding gift, not inviting my family to their cottage when other family members went, by banning me from holidays, lying to my face, etc). I must have missed how welcoming they were to me.

Why do some people have to make it all about themselves? I reached out to them in a moment of crisis and I get criticism? What is wrong with some people? Please tell me the whole family has been abducted by aliens...

Another update...

Heard from atty that server was told by my H (when presented with separation papers) - "What are these? I want divorce papers." Although no divorce has been filed yet by him. His atty called mine and H wants a "collaborative" divorce.

Atty & I don't think it'll work with H. Will save money but I instructed atty I want to delay as much as possible. I don't want a divorce.

No contact from H.

A little confused, though. Therapist and friends keep telling me that avoiding H is unhealthy for my DD4. That at some point I'll have to be able to interact with him face to face. I've told them all how angry and caustic he is to me and I'm avoiding him for my own good. Poor DD4 tried to get me to talk to H on the phone. She misses her daddy and so do I:(

Also being told that I need to get over the fact that I can't control that H is still bringing my DD4 around OW, even if it's just at work. (MIL is the one who brought my DD4 to work so OW could give her a gift.) And if I keep pushing the issue of OW around DD4 that I am going to squash any chances of a reconciliation. H will resent me for being controlling.

My H's issue with me (at least the most recent) is that I'm controlling. So, controlling my DD4's access (not his, just DD4) to other woman is another control issue for him to be mad about. He already has all the access to POSOW he wants.

I feel like this is a lose lose scenario. No matter what...I'm the unreasonable, controlling, evil wife. H is already poisoning DD4 - telling her that 2 overnights/week isn't enough. She has no concept of time so for her to mention it, I figure it must be H complaining about it.

Feeling frustrated today. And feeling that all hope is lost.

Fuzzy, try looking at this from the opposite angle:

You're WINNING.

Well, at least you're in the driver's seat.

So WH isn't getting his way? Oh, now whose fault is that???

I see you're in Plan B. This is a very common reaction to Plan B. It's called "reality crashing the door closed." WH now gets to see what life is going to be like without Fuzzy and the M.

See also that he's trying to manipulate DD4. For shame! That's on him, too. Your best bet is to explain to DD4 that when two people get married it's not right for one of them to have another boy/girlfriend. And that until daddy decides to leave OW and come home, you're just not going to talk with him.

But you need to make sure you don't poison her against him. Let her know that she has to visit with him because he's her daddy. But OW is not her new mommy!

He's a childish, befogged wayward. His behavior is predictable and routine. YOU can be the model of a good Plan B. And you'll be better for it, too!

Make them back this up. I would ask for citations that prove this. The truth is that it is the OPPOSITE. It is unhealthy for you to interact with your H because any contact wears you out emotionally and physically. His affair is so abusive that women actually have nervous breakdowns and years of PTSD from contact. So how will that be good for your 4 year old? It won't!

Let them know they don't know what they are talking about and that this advice comes from Dr Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist. If they have clear and compelling EVIDENCE that not being in contact with your abusive H is somehow bad for your DD, they should produce the evidence so we can show Dr Harley.


She needs to understand WHY it is so harmful for you to speak to her daddy. It would be very poor role modeling if she saw you interacting with your abusive husband as if nothing was wrong. That is not the kind of lesson you want to teach your child.


Why not stop listening to bad advice and use your own mind? That is my suggestion.. Of course it is not good for your child to be exposed to your H's affair. That is silly to assert that not allowing her to be exposed to his filthy affair will prevent reconciliation.


CAn I ask why you are posting nonsense like this? I am not sure why this is here. Unless it is for laughs. You are posting fogbabble for what reason?


You are allowing yourself to be defined by a wayward and his acolytes. Please say no to insanity and come back to reality.

The Plan B is working for sure.
WH wants to keep you engaged in his drama so that he still has a little bit of you in his life.
People saying you need to some day have contact.....not true. You can not have contact for the rest of your life if you choose. Having contact will create

drama
despair
frustration

none of these things good for your sweet child.

Ideally, she would have both parents together, raising her but the WH has set in motion a situation where it is threatened, temporarily and possibly permanently not happening and you must be strong for your child. Keep your own sanity first most in caring for her. You don't need to convince the neigh sayers though. They just don't get it. You won't convince them. Just live it. Live plan B unless your WH ends his affair or you truly do not care (way in the future).

FuzzyMath, it is completely IRRELEVANT what your friends, family and "therapist" say. What matters is YOUR PLAN.

The plan you have before you was devised by a clinical psychologist and is perfectly sound. I would stick to that and stop listening to silly people and fogged out waywards. You are allowing yourself to be blown around in the wind like a weed. That will drive you crazy.

I have no intention of listening to these people, but it's hard when EVERYONE is thinking I am being unreasonable. I have plenty of support to divorce him - the comments are "why drag it out? Just get it over with. It's better for you." I know people are giving me the best advice they know how. I am also aware that no one I speak to has successfully survived an affair...other than people on this board. I also have the mad skills of Dr Harley on my side.

I need a good slapping around from the experts to snap back into my senses. It's like a shot of adrenaline!!

ML - You are the best! I have no idea why I am repeating ANYTHING my dopey H says about me.

Steve H gave me the best advice and I need to brand it into my brain: Waywards are like drunks. Don't reason with them. Don't argue with them. Don't listen to them. Just take away the car keys.

I can tell you have been listening to some very negative, uninformed folks. Please start hanging with us. We will keep you grounded. This is a tough, emotional time, my friend, and you need the support of folks who are connected with reality and who know how this works.

It would be helpful if you could not allow your family and friends to tell you what he says. Are you in a DARK DARK, Plan B?

As dark as I can be and much better than a few weeks ago. H is using my IM and she is passing on only the facts. I do not see him at DD4 pick/up drop off...except 1x/week DD4 has class I drop her off for & he picks up. H and I see each other from a distance but I say goodbye to DD4 and she greets him without me. No speaking. We don't even look at each other.

That class will be over in 3 weeks and that'll be it. I'll schedule all future classes for my days so he can just pick her up from school. He'll only need to come to the house to drop her off and my parents run interference.

You are doing great! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{FuzzyMath}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Try and stay in touch on a daily basis, if you can, so you don't get caught up in the negativity. It is hard to not get overwhelmed, but we will be here to help keep you grounded. Others who are in Plan B now are Scotland and reading. They can be a great support to you.

Hi, Fuzzy Math, I am in Plan B and am having a hard time as well, my WS has said he wants a dicorce but has not done nothing yet. It is tough Plan B, but yet empowering on other days. It is tough. Good Luck to you, I have young kids as well and it is hard on them not to know where their daddy is.

Did someone call say my name? HEHEHEHE

Fuzzymath, you have already received some excellent advice from ML.

I am glad that you said you will be changing that class after the 3 weeks are over, you have avoided the BIG 2x4's since you have recognized and solved that part yourself.

You are doing good. You are doing better than good. This is hard and having all of those people around you, telling you those opposite things is hard to get past, at first.

I found the best thing to do was be strong in YOUR convictions and just let people know that you know they are only trying to help you, but the way you really need help is to support YOUR plan and not convince you of another one. Let them know that you have considered all of you options and THIS is the path you have chosen and you would love their support in helping you achieve what you have set your mind on.

I also found it useful to explain to people that this program was developed by a psychiatrist who have helped saved THOUSANDS of marriages in his 40+ year career. He has books, a radio show and a website. Let them know that this is what you decided was your best option and you WILL be happy, one day.

Then, you start actually healing from your WH's A and you start to become happy. They'll stop offering their advice once they see that you are handling this all much better.

You're doing GREAT. Keep your chin up dear.

ML - Have been following reading's and scotty's threads and that's been helpful. I know I'm doing the right thing but it doesn't feel right, if you get my meaning. It doesn't help when everyone is questioning me. Thankfully, my atty seems to be on board with how I'm handling this.

Mason - I've read your thread and we're in similar situations, although my H and OW work side by side in a small office, for like 10 hours a day. H tells me he can end it with her and still be her coworker. Ha! My response...why haven't you been able to do that yet? And how do you expect me to live like that?

Scotty - I 2x4'd myself! I am getting to the point where I don't really even WANT to see him. He looks so miserable/unhappy/angry that I don't want to be around him. He's nothing like the man I married.

I asked him a few weeks ago - you're getting everything you want: more time with OW and your dream job. Why are you miserable? He answered: I'm not getting everything I want. Translation: I want you, OW, dream job, nice house, self-respect and a happy family. You're being a b***h for not letting me have it!

It's no fun being with the OW when the wife isn't there waiting at home.

Waywards are like drunks. Don't reason with them. Don't argue with them. Don't listen to them. Just take away the car keys.



Love this!!!!!!!

Doing OK in Plan B. But I had a question about asking my H about the following:

Before Plan B, H and I talked about him doing a few things for our DD4 and around house. Namely, DD4's b-day is coming up and I would like to get her a swingset/slide. H was supposed to build it himself but that never happened. I think if he does agree to pay for a swingset, he'd want to build it himself but all his tools are at the house I live in. Maybe he'll just fork over the money but I doubt it.

Secondly, we have some things in a storage unit that need to be moved and he promised to chop down a tree in the yard before XMAS.

I guess my question is - is asking him to do this stuff a good idea? Not just about Plan B but I feel like asking him to do these things will (in his crazy mind) assuage his guilt or make him think that I now owe him.

I know in Plan B that he should be dead to me...but in reality he is not. Definitely not for my DD4. So maybe I talk to him (via my IM of course) only about the swingset and hire people for everything else and then get him to split the bill??

I'm pinching every penny these days so need some advice. Thanks!

What you need to do is do everything yourself. Your WH and no longer a UNIT. You are acting as separate entities. In short, you need to NOT ask your WH about anything. Not even the swingset.

Either you will get your DD4 a swingset this year, or you will save up the money and get one when you can afford it.

Nope, no coming over to fix things, etc, you are in Plan B sweetie and IT SUCKS. BUT, it WILL get better.

I would agree with Scotland.
Either you get the swingset yourself and have someone put it together or don't get one. I would skip it if it were me, newly in B.
The storage unit and chopping are separate things? Connected?
I would handle that stuff another way without requesting he do anything.

You do need to learn some skills in self help in plan B.

Absolutely he is not dead for dd4.....he is her daddy!

But mom and dad need to keep their communication, even through IM to the basics so that plan B can work its magic on you. You disengage and detach and get stronger to recover from betrayel. I know it is hard.