I did tell his family my side of the story, but whatever he told them afterwards, they believe him now. My brother-in-law even told me I was in denial about my marriage and that he believed what WH said about being miserable for a long time, and I was 50% to blame, that there was no fixing it and I should just move on. They all believe that OW is nothing.

This is the one thing I am going to change. When I talk to his mom after I initiate Plan B, I'm going to copy phone records and everything and show her that he's been lying to them for four months like he's been lying to me.

You have her cell phone number from your cell bill, right?

Try googling that, see what you come up with. Then call that POS and tell her your H is MARRIED and that she needs to leave him ALONE. This is at least a start.

You can also google her name + Facebook. From there you might be able to see where she has posted on other people's walls, which would at least give you the names of some of her friends.

Let us know what you come up with and what she says when you call her. Do not be timid when you call her, be strong and in control. You CAN do this!

But if you did this now, you could get her support sooner.

ITA with Mel. It's all about will Hyacinth. You have the intel to make this happen. You just need the will.

"What one needs in life are the pessimism of intelligence and the optimism of will"--Andre de Staercke

Hyacinth.

Listen to MelodyLane.

The key to your marriage surviving is exposure. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, needs to know. I even told my DD4.

Meanwhile, get thee to an attorney. Start making plans for legal separation, if your state has it. You cannot count on him for anything. I trusted my H until recently when he drained our joint checking account and started brazenly charging dinners with OW on our joint credit cards. I started Plan B immediately before filing for separation and should have done the opposite.

The separation will protect your rights as a parent and your finances.

As far as Plan B goes, I have a DD4 and have been able to limit my contact with H to 1x/week. If he comes to my home to pick up/drop off) and I'm the only one there, I will hide (in bathroom with hairdryer on, in bedroom, etc.) until he leaves, which is usually quickly since he knows I won't talk to him.

He's tried to talk to me and sometimes, I've given in. But I've always regretted it. So, it's best for you if you don't physically see him or speak to him when you're in Plan B.

But until then, it sounds like you need to expose and then see and attorney.

These are good ideas and I'm looking into this right now. Thanks for the link. I'm going to have to come up with the money somewhere, I guess. That's going to be hard, because since he moved out, we've been in the red every month and we've almost maxed out our credit cards trying to make ends meet.

As for contacting her work, I have thought of that. I will need help writing that letter. Does anyone have suggestions on what to say? I'm trying to find out if her agency has an ethics code or anything.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

Write that letter to her work! She may have some type of morality clause in her terms of employment. This letter could blow the whole thing wide open.

There is no legal separation in my state.

Can I admit one of my fears? That if I contact her, she'll change her cell phone number and then I won't be able to track their communication. Or that he will get a secret cell phone and go completely underground (he did this at first, until I confronted him, then he obviously stopped paying it because their contact has been on his phone on our bill). The wireless bill is the only info I have at this point. But I guess I just need to come to terms with that.

I will contact her, but again, I'm not really sure what to say. I don't want to just come off as a stalker-ish, crazy BW who she can just dismiss. And what do I do if she just hangs up? Or doesn't even answer (leave a message, I guess?)?

Why are you waiting to do this? If you have information that confirms the affair, you can present that to his family so they can see that you are not in "denial."

Also try googling her name on www.intelius.com

That will bring up her name and associated names. You may find her siblings, her parents, HER HUSBAND...these are excellent exposure targets.

I think it cost me $1.95 to get detailed info. Lots of bang for the buck.

Hyacinth, I suggest that you DO let her think you're a stalker-ish, crazy BW! What do you want her to think, that you're a sweet little person who is no threat to her?

Hell's bells, woman - I'd let her know in no uncertain terms that you are not going to sit idly by while some skanko POS immoral sleaze-bag tries to steal your H! Oh, hell, no.

Then file for divorce.


I am not following why this would be a problem? And even so, when you do call her, you don't tell her how you know exactly. Just tell her you "know all about" and know she is having an affair with your husband. You don't give up your source.


Don't leave a message. Just tell her that you are married to WS and ask her what she wants with your H. Tell her what I said above about being eternally hated by your children and there being no future. But FIRST, expose the affair.

How do you know this? From your husband?

Here's why I ask: my W had an EA with a co-worker who told her he was separated and on the brink of divorce. And that's what I was told until I called OM's W. OM's wife was quite surprised to hear that, unbeknownst to her, she and her husband were separated and about to divorce. Seems no one had told her that!

Until you verify it yourself, don't trust what your husband tells you.

Yesirrree. OW is very possibly married and 35. And your WH probably told her that HE is divorced.

Reason: the betrayed spouses are a pesky little detail that hampers romance, so their status in the marriage is generally altered to accommodate the affair.

There's no point in having intel if you aren't going to USE it. If she changes her cell number to another one, it will be obvious on your cell bill ~ you will see the same number of high amounts of TMs and calls and you will know it's her.

They might just take it further underground (this is common) but again, if you have intel and aren't using it, what's the point?


You tell her that you are Mrs. (blank), WH's WIFE, and that he is still very much MARRIED. Tell her you are fighting for this M, and that you know she is just a 25 year old little girl who is now a HOMEWRECKER. Tell her that WH's family already knows about her and she will never be accepted by them or your children since she is a homewrecker. Tell her you will not sit idly by and watch her steal everything that you have worked so hard for and that if she continues to try you will make her life a living h*ll.

If she hangs up on you, call back and leave a VM. But try to talk to her in person first. Call her a few times until she answers.

Stop being afraid. What do you have to lose at this point? Your H has already left you and your children. You have NOTHING to lose and EVERYTHING to gain by following the advice here by many of us who have saved our marriages by doing the things we suggest.

ITA. All WS's lie about the true state of their M. My H did the same thing.

Don't believe what your WH is telling you about anything right now.

I already used intelius and another online service. Yielded me what may be her home address, but nothing else.

He actually told me she was 27. I got her real birthday from her FB page once when I was able to get my hands on his phone back in December.

The divorced thing I did get from him. Although, he could have just told me she was single. How would I ever know the difference?

The reason why I haven't contacted his mom again yet is that I don't want him to have a clue what's coming until I'm ready to move, although I don't know whether that's tactical or a tactical error. I'm just trying to get my ducks in a row and not go off half-cocked. I want a well formulated plan with all my evidence and stuff ready so I can spread it far and wide before he has time to start doing damage control.

Back in December, his mom did offer to call OW, but I forgot about that until now! When I call her, I'm going to give her the girl's cell phone number, work phone number, home address (assuming what I got was correct) and work address and ask her to contact OW.