In fact, I think I might make "information packets" for our friends and family, with evidence and her contact information. How does that sound?

I know she knows about me because she was his friend on Facebook and I am listed as his wife and there were pictures of me and the kids all over his profile. Also, she blocked me the day after I confronted him and told him I knew, so I know he told her I found out.

Don't try just one people finder. You can get different info from different search engines.

Try these:
www.pipl.com
www.spokeo.com
www.peekyou.com (this was a really good one, but I just tried it and it looks like the link may be broken. Try it anyway - maybe it's my computer.)

Have you been over to Operation Investigate on this site? Check it out - there's a ton of snooping tools there that may help you.

Thanks for these sites. I went and checked my Intelius account and realized I never paid for the full background check, so I did. It didn't yield much extra (for the lots extra it cost!), but I do now have some more info. I found out she currently uses her maiden name. I have her ex-husband's name and the date of their divorce (2008 - seriously, she was 23! And her ex-husband is my WH's age, 42). I have what I think is her father's name and also possibly some ex-in-laws. There are three other names with the same last name as her ex-husband, listed as "relatives" that a search reveals are 52, 66 and 56 years old. Unfortunately, I doubt the ex-husband will care.

I think I may have found an intermediary. It's a friend and her husband who live about 30 miles away, but they're really the only ones who are anywhere nearby who I trust to do it. Plus they know both of us and have no kids of their own, so my hope is that it would be easier on them to do it without it encroaching on their own obligations. I talked to my friend this morning and told her to think about it and talk to her husband.

I'm working on what to say to the OW when I call her this weekend. I can't do this totally "unscripted" because I will get too flustered and not say the things that I want to say. I want to be calm, cool and collected when I call. I'm trying to figure out a good time to call (for me, not for her) because my kids make it impossible to have any phone call if they're awake. Anyone with little boys probably knows what I'm talking about. I DO NOT want to be interrupted or distracted during this call!

I'm worried my Plan B letter isn't strong enough. I already know it's too long, but I don't think I've stressed the no contact with him part enough. Also, it doesn't include any of the logistics because I'm still working them out and I like the idea of all those being in an addendum like MarriedForever suggests in the Notable Post on How to Plan B Correctly. I'll post my Plan B letter here soon so I can get a critique on it.

I also started to compose a letter/email/FB message to send to all our friends and family, detailing what they may or may not know, busting some of his half-truths and lies downplaying the other woman and inflating the poor state of our marriage and asking them for help. I'll post that too when I get a draft finished.

Thanks everyone for your help and tough love!

Exhusbands can be very effective exposure targets, because they often can be a wealth of information. Sometimes they can even use the affair in any legal actions they have with the OP.

You are doing great! And like MF said, get all your ducks in a row and make plans to avoid any and all contact beforehand.

Any suggestions on contacting the ex-husband? What to ask him for? I don't have a current address or phone number for him, but I'm sure I could find one. I just assumed he'd rather not be bothered with the situation and I can't really think of how he could be a help. They've been divorced since 2008.

One of the pros/cons about this situation is that she is 3,000 miles away. We are almost on one coast and she is almost on the other.

That makes no difference at all. They can conduct the affair over email, phone, internet. And they can be together in 4 hours via airplane.

I guess my point is that people here seem to think that she thinks she's trying hard to "steal him away." It's just not the vibe I get. I think if this was something they were planning, they'd be a lot more hot & heavy, wouldn't they? Not sporadic contact every few weeks. Plus, he CAN'T leave our state because of his job (and can't change jobs either right now, due to the nature of his work -- hard to explain) and based on what I know about her job, she's not very mobile either. However, I also am not dumb enough to think that kind of craziness is out of the realm of possibility, either.

One thing I do know about his family is that they have told him in NO uncertain terms NOT to ever try to bring her around if that was an idea he had. There's a lot of family history re: affairs that is ugly. However, this is also how I know that he's painted them a picture that she was a one-time mistake and is "unimportant" (this is something his sister told me he said) and that our marriage was torture, because once they initially confronted him back in December, they've been like "Oh, okay... well, if that's how it is then..." and haven't really concerned themselves with it since.

Here is my Plan B letter. I "borrowed" a LOT of language from about a dozen or so letters I read here on MB and elsewhere, so if some of it seems familiar, that's why. And thank you to the people who wrote those parts.

I already know that it's probably too long. Also, I'm worried parts of it aren't specific enough or strong enough. Thanks in advance for all the criticism and suggestions.

Dear WH,

I know that this is hard. Some days are better and some days are worse than others. I�ve made many mistakes in the past and I can�t change that or take them back, but I am working hard to be a person I can be happy and proud of being. I want you to know that, even though I also sometimes have doubts and I�m also struggling with all of this, I love you. You are the smartest, funniest, sexiest man I know. I know you better than any other person in the world does and I know it�s inside you to be the man I need you to be, because you once were. If we really try, we can make this work. I believe in you, in me, and in us. I�m willing to put the past behind us and do whatever it takes to make this the marriage we�ve both always wanted. I have confidence that you have the capacity to do the same.

The past few months have been very rough on each of us. I've been trying to give you hope for our marriage by learning how to be a better wife and partner to you, to give you hope that you could return to a marriage that we both want and deserve. I�ve been trying to give you space to work your feelings out on your own. However, the pain that I suffer on a daily basis is becoming almost too much to bear. We�ve taken no measurable steps toward recovery or healing; in fact, I feel like we�re standing still. I need to be treated with love and respect. I need to have my emotional needs met. How you act is your choice to make, so I�ve tried not to make too many demands on you to act otherwise, however, as long as I keep feeling this way, I�m only going to be hurt, resentful, and angry toward you and we risk recreating the environment that made this possible in the first place. I know that in order for us to heal from this you need forgiveness from me, but there are things I need from you to be able to give it. When you are ready to offer your openness and honesty to me and willingness to move forward together, I�m ready to talk about what we both think this will take.

When you are ready to give me your full commitment to working on us, I would love to talk with you about our future. This means that I need you to be ready to commit to an active plan of recovery for our marriage. I�m not asking for a guarantee that we will both decide to stay together, I�m asking for both of us wanting this marriage if we can make it work and a commitment to working on it with all we�ve got. This also means that you have to be ready to end any and all communication and connection with her permanently. As long as you are keeping a place for her in your life, there is no room for me.

But until we have some kind of plan in place, until we are actively working on this plan and have determined a way to measure our progress, we need to keep our distance from each other. This isn�t about me trying to make you do something. You have to find your own way. You have to make your own decisions. I have to do the same. I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you, but to protect myself and my feelings for you. Please understand that I need to preserve the love I have for you, so that if we decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still have enough love left for you that I might want to try again, too. And if we don�t, then I will have had the space and time to detach from you and move on with my life. Right now, in order for me to protect the feelings I still have for you, I need to have as little contact with you as possible, so that I can manage my emotions and prepare to move forward.

Even now, it's not too late. We still have a chance to be happy together. I want to grow old with you. I loved you more I think you ever knew while we were together and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready to truly and fully commit to me and our family, to work on a plan for our recovery, and to be open, honest and loving with me, I am ready and willing to discuss our future.

I love you,
Me

Really? No one can help me with this letter? (Sorry if I seem impatient.)

I forgot to note that you need to add a line like this:

________________ has agreed to arrange for visitations with the children and any financial issues.

Yes, I know I can be very wordy. Thanks for the critique. I think I understand why you made some of the cuts, but I'm not so sure about some of the others. Any more information you can share? Thanks again.

I am not strong in the wording and editing of a Plan B letter, so I will leave that to the others.

What I AM better at is actually planning, implementing and following through with a Plan B.

You CAN and SHOULD Plan B, completely dark, with young children. Granted, my children aren't as young as yours, but they were 6 and 9 when I entered Plan B. They are also boys. Only a mother of sons can understand.

Now, you need to listen to what MelodyLane has said to you. She is a GREAT poster and you are LUCKY to have her posting to you, so take advantage of that fortune and LISTEN UP.

Expose this affair and this time, give out your evidence, especially to his mother. Let her call him, and OW and lay into them. Get it out there.

The OWxH may be able to tell you more about OW. You may even get contact info for family members.

I wouldn't be surprised if OWxH was a MM and their "marriage" was an affairage.

Now, you will need to figure out how you are going to Plan B. You can't just say, "Well, I can't," and throw up your hands. My WH was going to come to my house, watch our children in MY home while I worked the night shift. I took a pay cut, changed my shift, lost some hours and even the ability to be promoted in the company so I could go to Plan B. It wasn't easy, and even still isn't, but it's what I had to do.

If you can't think about what it would be like to be divorced from your WH and need to plan for Plan B, what would happen if he died? Who would watch your children then? What would you do in that scenario?

A lot of it was saying the same thing in a different way.

Mostly, I left the main points, well stated and so that a wayward, half checked out guy could know he was loved deeply and that you were in pain and had to disconnect from the triangle though you are open to rebuilding if he changes his mind and finds he wants to.

I like readings strike throughs. Since I am mildly ADD, and your WS is foggy, I added verbiage that makes it CLEAR AND CONCISE what the point is, becuase I didn't really get it from reading this. I think you may even need to cut this back more because too many words constitute visual pollution. And when you are speaking to a foghorn you have to be CLEAR AS A BELL.

Will you rewrite with these changes and then let us look at it again? Reading, you did a super job!

Thank you everyone for all your edits in my letter and for explaining why you made the changes you did. I'm interested in the process as much as the product, so I need to understand.

I'm making edits to my letter and I found an intermediary, I think. I had been planning on giving him the PBL tonight, but I think I need to make more arrangements before I do because things are not all ready to go. He will be gone for three days starting tomorrow, so that takes the pressure off me just a little from feeling like I have to act immediately, since with him not being around for those days regardless of what is said tonight, the point is sort of moot (at least until Wednesday).

I'm also a little worried about implementing Plan B before my surgery, which is 12 days away. I really will need a lot of help with my children then because they're so young and I will have very limited mobility at least for the first several days and possibly into the next week. I know this sounds like something that could be worked around, but I can't figure out how. Do you all have family and friends that are geographically close to you or how do you get help? Because my closest relative is over 100 miles away. And everyone works, so it's not like they can just pick up and come visit. Postponing implementing Plan B until after my surgery would also give me more time to make arrangements, because this is proving to be a logistical nightmare, as I'm sure anyone who has done it knows. But emotionally I really do wish I could implement it tonight, because I'm starting to really resent him. I'm so tired of being hurt.

I'm working out what to say to the OW when I call her. I am too much of a planner to do it off the cuff. I want to be very calm when I do it and for that I need to be prepared.

I'm working out the rest of the little details, but some things (like my work schedule) aren't modifiable or changeable, so I have to figure out a way to work around them.

If anyone has any more suggestions, I'm open to them.

Can you give some of these relatives a call? Tell them you're having surgery, husband is too busy with his affair to help with you and the kids and could use their help.

You never know unless you ask.


Keep it short and sweet. Write out what you want to say, read it and hang up on the bisch. Tell her what she IS going to do, don't ASK her to do anything.

Tell her that the affair is over and that everyone knows about it. Tell her she is trying to destroy your family and that there is no way in hell that she's going to get away with it. Tell her that she is going to get the h out of your husband's life right now. Tell her that she has pis$ed off a ton of people in both of your families and that there is no way that she will have a future with him. Tell her that she does not want to go down this road and ALL OF YOU (emphasize the plural here) will make her life a living hell if she doesn't disappear immediately.

Then hang up, don't listen to anything she says. Be in charge of the conversation.

Hyacinth, I don't see how 3 more weeks is going to hurt anything and I agree with your thinking that it will give you time to get your ducks in a row. I think you have done a SUPER job of getting on board here and coming up with proactive solutions. I was worried at first! You are doing great!