That sounds promising. My MIL is totally against what my WW is doing as well. I just wish she would mother up and do something about it instead of accepting her refusing to talk about it.

Hang in there TD, even if she spits venom, you are a superhero for your marriage.

Can't wait for my snowbird MIL to get back up north. Fully expect my wife to take a hell of a beating when she does. Plus FIL!!!

I'm jealous! I wish I had a MIL like both of you! Mine appears to be a greedy enabler.

When kids came back from WS' house last night, DD18 informed me that MIL had left another letter on WS' door. She said she didn't open it in front of them, but she had a look of extreme sadness on her face when she saw it. DD18 said she took it up to her room, and after she returned, she was extremely quiet for the rest of the evening.

When WS brought the kids home, she wanted me to check out her car for her trip today, which I gladly did. She looked very distraught, so I asked her if she was okay. She replied "No, I'm really not."

I replied, "WS, I am so sorry that you are going thru this, do you believe me?" She said, "No, not really, how could you be?" I said, "I am not sorry that you have broken contact with POSOM, but I am very sorry for the pain you are going thru. I take no pleasure in it. You see, I love you as my wife, but I also love you as a person, and I care about how you feel. When you hurt, I hurt."

I then asked her if she could do me one big favor. She said "I'll try". I said, "Just always remember that I love you." She began to cry, and gave me a big hug, but she could barely look me in the eye.

She never mentioned MIL's letter.

So now she is off to visit SIL for the weekend. I have had my suspicions about this trip, but she is showing all of the signs of genuine withdrawal.

At any rate, I get the entire weekend with my kids, so that will be good.

Did you get any confirmation from SIL that she actually arrived or is actually scheduled to arrive?

Unfortunately, to you and us it seems as if this is a big trip to POSOM.

TD - we're all pulling for you and praying for you, your wife and the family.

I pray the Hedge of Thorns daily for myself and my wife and I also think about all of the lost ones out there.

You're a strong man TD! Hang in there!

TD, you're the man! That was smooth LOL. maybe you could give me lessons LOL

Powerbane- she is definitely going to SIL's, that is confirmed.

I just always have the thought in the back of my mind that POSOM might go with her.

Given her behavior this week, I no longer believe that to be the case.

However, you just never really know- and that is what will drive you absolutely crazy, if you let it.

Well, it appears that the A may be over (for now, at least). I was able to confirm WS' trip to SIL's over the weekend, and everything checked out. She even called me on her way home when she had a little car trouble, which I was able to talk her through. Every indication is that she is in full withdrawal- very emotional, sometimes very angry, obviously depressed. She is still continuing her counseling sessions at church, as well as IC with her therapist. She is also on anti-D meds.

She came to me with her proposal for spending more time with the kids, which she was surprisingly humble and sincere about. Given a couple of our interactions about it last week, I was half expecting to be served with legal papers, but that was not the case. I am happy that she wants to spend more time with the kids, especially since this is going to dramatically cut into her "personal time". I even asked her about that, and she replied "Yes it will, but it is what I need to do."

I asked her point blank about the A, and she said it is "definitely over for good". I asked her about NC, and she replied "no contact at all". (I have no way to really verify this, as she is not living at home, so I just have to read her behavior and look for clues- as all the vets on here say, pay no attention to her words, only her actions.) She still maintains that she has lost her love for me, but I have faith that if she can maintain NC for awhile, that will change. (She no longer says she doesn't love me, but that she "doesn't have the feelings for me that a wife should have for her husband".) I am just going to continue my Plan A efforts and make myself and our marriage an attractive option.

Now, I've been thru a couple of false recoveries, so I know this is not set in stone by any means. Given her behavior, I do believe that she has broken it off, but I also know that it could change on any given day. Until she is willing to write a NC letter and put EP's in place, we are still in the danger zone.

The "increased time with mom" program is not going over well with the older two kids. WS has lost their respect, and they have no desire to spend more time with her. My only misgiving about it is that she will get comfortable with it, and think everything is okay. Given the kids' response, I think that may take care of itself. Even my youngest daughter is not thrilled about it. Hopefully, WS will see that this won't fix things. Until the fog lifts, I'm not sure she can see much of anything.

The latest development is that one of my contacts informed me that POSOM is moving to the other side of the state, several hours away. His intention to move coincides with WS' "I know what I have to do" conversation with MIL. (I still have no idea what MIL put in her latest "manifesto" to WS, but it seems to have had a big effect.)

I hope this means that POSOM gave a repeat performance of treating WS like dirt when she broke it off. If I can just get him out of the picture, I believe the fog will lift, and I might actually get my wife back (my real wife, not the new, unimproved model).

Until then- working my plan, with no expectations.

TD, this sounds good. Can you get a call in to DrH? Is there anything you need from us?

Today, what did you do to meet ENs? What have you been doing in this Plan A? What are you going to do tomorrow? The next day?

You're not doing anything wrong, just trying to keep you on track.

TD - sounds like things are moving along.

"She still maintains that she has lost her love for me, but I have faith that if she can maintain NC for awhile, that will change. (She no longer says she doesn't love me, but that she "doesn't have the feelings for me that a wife should have for her husband".)"

I heard the same thing this week during our MC session from WW, the second part verbatum.

Keep working your Plan A and hang in there.

Scotty,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I actually bought her some flowers today, as well as a card. I intentionally did not get a romantic card, just "thinking of you". I wrote her a personal note in the card, praising her strength and courage.

I also talked DD15 into going over to her house and visiting for a couple of hours- called WS and asked if it was okay if I brought her over and picked her up later. She was very surprised, as DD15 has cut WS off the most. She called and asked if she could use my WiFi hotspot (she has no internet at her place), I said of course. When I picked up DD15, I took her the WiFi hotspot, and told her she could use it on one condition. She got sort of a pained look on her face, and I presented her with a Reese's peanut butter egg (one of her favorites). I said "You have to take this egg." She said "You know I am trying to cut down on the sweets." I said, " I didn't say you have to eat it, just accept it." She laughed.

I am trying to just be safe for her right now, and am sort of laying off on the romantic stuff while she is going thru the worst of the withdrawal, if that makes sense.

She seems okay with me, but almost repulsed by anything romantic from me right now.

I would be interested in any feedback from any FWS and their feelings towards their BS while going thru withdrawal.

Hey TD, is there anything you can do with that plan? Like say that looks great honey, can we do this too? And then bolt some UAT to it? I think some time just the two of you would help!

AndyM,

Isn't it interesting that they all say the same things, sometimes verbatim?

And doesn't that give you hope that your own WS can someday snap out of this terrible fog, because you have seen others on this board do it?

It gives me incredible hope.

The most startling thing about this whole situation has been the almost total transformation of my WS' personality. If she set out to become a person who is the total polar opposite of herself, she couldn't have accomplished it any more completely.

It just blows my mind.

Hang in there, Andy.

Reynolds,

I have actually talked with her about that, and she says she just isn't ready for alone time yet.

Like the tortoise, I am trying to go slow and steady right now, but I am definitely working towards that goal.

I have seen my WS in withdrawal before, and it is ugly. In fact, Dr. Harley sometimes recommends that you just avoid each other for awhile, since the WS tends to spew the most venom during this period.

Sometimes it's hard to know what to do.

I am just saying weasel yourself in there somehow. At first go as a family maybe...then see if you can get her alone after kids hit the sack...before you even try for a date night per say.

But glad you thought of it already.

Wondering has taught me how to be sneaky. Maybe I should go to law school.

TD - you're right - seeing the similarities gives me some hope, but I know my WW better than anyone here and that's also the problem. IF WW and I recover our marriage, it will be a while before it happens. She has a lot of pride and she's stubborn. Something needs to happen to get to let those two things go and I honestly do not know what it will take. It's kind of frightening actually. It'll have to be some serious, negative karma event.

She is actually open to family time with the kids, just not one-on-one with me. We do the family thing about once a week or so. She and I were having lunch together about once a week, but she has sort of curtailed that. I'll figure something out.

Andy, my wife is also extremely stubborn. I am convinced that even if/when she decides she wants to come home and work it out, she is going to need to overcome her pride and find a way to save face.

It is interesting that you mention some sort of negative event happening, because my own MIL has said more than once that she believes WS will have to hit "rock-bottom" before she will be willing to come home. The problem is, none of us know exactly where "rock-bottom" is.

You are also right that no one knows your WS better than you do. You can get all of the advice you want, but when all is said and done, you have to do what you feel is right.

It is frightening, but if it gives you any consolation, I have an older cousin who has reached out to me and confided in me that she is a FWS. She left her husband and kids for 8 months, with no intention of ever returning. She told me that one day she just woke up and realized what a horrible mistake she had made, and the damage she was doing to her husband and kids. She called her husband and asked to come home. That was 18 years ago, and they are very happily married. She said it took awhile , but she feels their marriage is better than ever.

She has also reached out to WS, and they have actually talked about it. I am extremely appreciative of that.

Don't give up hope, no matter how hopeless it seems. Sometimes it is darkest just before the dawn.

TD - thanks - I've used the term - Rock Bottom - and you're right, no one knows what that looks like until afterwards. That's a great resource for you and her to leverage. I can only point at the kids in her family that have been badly affected by divorces.

Unfortunately my WW has other family role models - especially her mom. Mom is loaning WW $50k for a house and mom pulled the same stunt at about the same age years ago. There were some different circumstances, but the paths are similar enough. I'm now the common enemy. When I look at it, it's bizarre, me exposing the A was horrible according to MIL. Well, what about the root cause? Oh, well, that was dismissed and ignored.

I'm afraid my WW will wake up in 8 years and not 8 months, when she's older and the dates don't come as easily and the carefree lifestyle isn't as fun. I'm almost 100% certain, DS and I will have moved on at that point. Hopefully I'll be rid of that 2nd home and all the income it's sapping. That would also finish of the financial aspect to any D settlement. Then, DS and I would be able to live an awesome life, travel, enjoy some hobbies like restoring a muscle car or two, etc. All the things I want to do as a family, only the nature of the family will have changed.

I'm in this for a couple of years, if I can handle it and I see some glimmer of hope.

I'm not giving up hope - yet.

Andy, I've followed your thread and it is unfortunate that your MIL is an enabler. Mine is just the opposite, and I am so thankful for that. I really believe that it was a letter from her that has lead to my WS' latest attempt at NC (that and the devastation that she has seen in our kids).

I also fear that my WS will come around too late. It will be very sad if she wakes up after I have moved on. She is convinced that all I care about is us being together, and I have tried very hard to make her understand that because I love her so much, her well-being is extremely important to me, whether we are together or not.


Of course I want us to be together, but I also want her to be well- physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.