I agree with Mel, you don't NEED to do this TODAY. You could do plan A for a few weeks and then, BAM, Plan B. You want to do this when you are ready for it.

You CAN Plan B when you have no family near by. It IS possible. Like I said, you need to act as if your WH has DIED, because in some ways, he has. What would you do then? Think about it creatively. Ask around. Talk to your employers.

And, I see you are concerned that you are so resentful. Tell your resentful part (Taker) the date you are holding out for to implement Plan B.
Having the date in mind will help you ride out a Plan A longer. Your Taker will know that, heck, this is for you. In your best interest, and its all good. Date coming up and put in all the Plan A yummy stuff you can before you shut the door. Some extra frosting on the cake of the lovely marriage.

As for holding out until after my surgery to Plan B, every day I go back and forth as to whether I can do that. I've been in Plan A since January. At the beginning of February I was almost at the breaking point, but I hadn't picked an ending time for it so I decided to pick the end of February and stick it out until then. I've been meeting every single one of his emotional needs. I haven't been LBing (maybe two EO in two months -- crying jags -- and that's it). It's not like he hasn't noticed; he has acknowledged how great I am being. And he is not meeting hardly any of mine. His #1 love language is "Acts of Service" and that is the one thing that he has been doing a lot of. I have noticed that he takes great pains to be extra helpful and supportive with things that need done. Unfortunately, it's not one of my top languages. My top language is "Words of Affirmation." I think he's said two positive things to me in two months. (And it's not like he doesn't know this. We took the Love Language test again in January and I also specifically asked him for more verbal feedback and told him it was for that reason). I'm not getting affection, conversation, or most of the things I need. My Taker has been really patient and cooperative so far most of the time, I have to admit, because I've been working very hard at it. I am so depressed some days I can barely function and yes, I am in therapy and on an anti-depressant already because of this. I've lost so much weight that everyone who doesn't know what's going on in my personal life thinks I am very physically ill (tons of people have asked close friends if I am sick). I am really feeling like just a huge doormat at this point. And then I feel like feeling like a doormat is my own fault for putting up with it. This is SO the exact opposite of my personality.

Another logistical concern I have about waiting to Plan B is that we're planning a trip together at the beginning of April. I've made some of the reservations for it, but not all and I haven't bought the plane tickets yet because I know Plan B is coming. (I'd like to be optimistic that he'll make the right choices and decide to do the hard work, but let's be realistic.) Anyway, if I wait two more weeks to start Plan B, what do I do about planning this trip? This trip is a really big deal to him, it's a gift from me, and if he sees me dragging my feet about the plans (because I'm always the planner, of course), it would be a major LB because I know he knows I know how much he wants this trip. If I do go ahead and make all the reservations and buy plane tickets, I'll be out at least a couple thousand dollars when I go into Plan B. I KNOW I'm not seeing the forest for the trees here! Someone please help me get some clarity about this. Should I just make the reservations and be willing to eat the $2,000 loss as one of the costs of trying to save my marriage? It's hard for me to accept because I know the real reason for Plan B isn't trying to make the WS come back.

Last night when I asked him what he thought about the MB home study course (+SAA) that I'd given him on Monday to look at, he said (as I expected) that he hadn't had time to look at it this week. He also said he didn't remember me saying I wanted to discuss it before he left on his trip (he left this morning). When I then suggested that instead of going out to dinner, we go over to his apartment and look at it together, he really didn't want to do that! He had all these excuses about how "messy" and "trashed" his apartment was (which has me wondering what is in his apartment that he doesn't want me to see). When I said "This is important" he totally stonewalled and said if I was angry (I don't think I was acting angry, but I'm sure my face showed disappointment and other negative emotions), he said "why don't you just do whatever you want to do tonight and I'll do something else" and tried to get out of the car. (We hadn't pulled out of the driveway yet.) I got him calmed down and told him not to run away again like he always does when things get uncomfortable for him. We agreed that we will discuss the MB stuff next Saturday (the 12th). I wanted to do it on Friday, but he pushed for Saturday. I have no idea why, since we're going to be together Friday evening anyway, unless it's because he's running a race on Saturday morning and anticipates a very long, emotional discussion or fight or something and doesn't want that before his race (because his race would be more important to him than this, of course). We ended up going for drinks and dinner as planned and had a very nice time. (I'm getting so good at burying my needs that I'm starting to worry about myself.)

So next weekend could be a strategic time to start Plan B. But it's also RIGHT before my surgery. Part of me thinks that if I've held out that long, I might as well tough it out another few days and get through the surgery. But I'm wondering if I'm going to lose my mind before then. He's out of town until late Tuesday, so I have a little bit of a break until at least Wednesday.

I need some clarity. A good smack upside the head. Anyone?

Get through the surgery and then go into plan b. Forget the trip. Tell him the trip is off. That would be inappropriate to give him a trip while he in an affair.

I really do want to try to stick it out until after my surgery. Today is just a really bad day and I can't seem to stop crying. I've felt that way all day and just now I saw, based on our wireless bill, that I think he spent 20 minutes during his layover talking to her (his own number is showing up as the other number, which I think is a restricted call.) He didn't even bother to simply message me before takeoff and after landing like he always does.

What's my reason for the trip being off? There's no reason that makes sense as we've already moved heaven and earth to make arrangements and no reason why we can't go. I can't express how much of a LB this will be. He's wanted this trip for 10 years and we are finally taking it. Long story.

I agree with you about the trip. I will just not make any more arrangements and not bring it up myself. I just wonder what I could say if he brings it up.

What to do about the trip....that is a toughie. A quandry for sure.

Since you are in the final lap of Plan A, don't talk about relationship stuff. Don't let his tantrums get to you. You are doing well. There is nothing wrong with you, even though this is so unlike you to handle things this way. You are an adult woman who is capable of following a plan versus exploding from emotions though they are there inside you. It is called strategy and maturity. You may feel like you are loosing your mind before then but your Taker is chomping at the bit for action. Who can blame it?!

Do not expect him to start meeting any of your needs before plan B. If he does....oooh la la....that would be a plus for sure. A heaven sent plus. Just figure he won't and continue planting seeds of love.

The trip in April? Which of you suggested it? How long ago was it planned?

If you don't want to tell him the trip's off because of skankolicious, just say "Oh, yeah, I'll take a look at that" and then drop it.

Just tell him the trip is off because he won't end his affair. That is not a lovebuster. It will just delay Plan B and give him a false sense of entitlement to reward his cruelty with a trip. Don't give it a second thought.

DITTO


I hope you can get into Plan B as soon as you are done recovering from your surgery. When you try to convince yourself that you can handle it a little longer, remember what it felt like on those days when you wanted to throw in the towel.

As reading said, while I was in the last few days and hours of my Plan A, my taker was SCREAMING at me. I calmed her down by reminding her that I would be in Plan B soon enough. Then, there were other moments that I was trying to convince myself that I could hold out for a while longer. Then some great vets on here got me through it and I have been in Plan B for more than 14 months now and I don't regret it one bit.

Here's where I think I have made a huge error. Even though I know they've been in sporadic contact for the last 6 weeks, I haven't brought it up at all. WH has to be in total denial about the fact that I know, because whenever they are in contact it's on the wireless account and I pay that bill (he doesn't even have the password). But I haven't mentioned it. The last time I confronted him about anything to do with her, it was that she had texted him once in the middle of the night and he texted her back once an hour later and I saw it on the bill. He claimed she texted asking "Can I call?" and he told her "I don't think that's a good idea." This was about two weeks into our "reconciliation." We had a huge fight because he said he knew I would never trust him again, and he didn't know if he should be trusted, didn't know if he could trust himself, didn't think I would ever forgive him, didn't know if he deserved forgiveness, thought I'd be better off without him in the long run... blah, blah, blah... self-flagellating woe-is-me crap. And then he avoided me and sort of stayed away and wouldn't let me meet any of his needs or do anything nice for him for about two weeks.

Should I have been confronting him all along? And should I be confronting him now? If I do confront him, he's going to Plan B himself and stay away. I think I mentioned, he is a HUGE HUGE HUGE conflict avoider and runs away whenever anything makes him the least bit uncomfortable.

**EDIT**

moderators note: please familiarize yourself with MB material before posting. Email me with any questions.

For sure, if you don't confront him he will rightly conclude you don't care and are very complacent.

Now this might seem like a stupid question, but how do I confront him after not mentioning it for so long? Should I just say "I know you're still in contact with OW and that is unacceptable/disrespectful/destructive/damaging."? And should I do it over the phone while he's gone or wait until Wednesday when I will see him face to face?

I would do it right now. Tell him you know he is still in touch with the OW and tell him how very hurt you are. Ask him to stop all contact. If he asks how you know, tell him you won't divulge your sources.

I guess I thought that everyone understanding that I love him was a given since I'm here trying to save my marriage, but I can elaborate if you want. If you want the background story that led up to all of this, I'll write it out. And the details of what I've done to try to Plan A, too. It's going to be very long, but I like to talk, so just let me know.

As for Plan A while he's not living with me, I know that's not real Plan A but I don't know that I really have a choice in that. He spends a lot of time hiding from me and our marriage in that apartment, so I don't know that he would be willing to move back in. I've mentioned he's a conflict avoider. And passive-aggressive to boot. Plus, if I asked him to move back in and he did, and then in two weeks I started Plan B and told him to move out, I know he'd tell me I was crazy since I would have just asked him to move back in and that he would refuse to leave. (But I really don't think he would move back in in the first because then he wouldn't have any place to hide from the difficult and uncomfortable reality that he likes to avoid.) Any suggestions here are welcome. How should I be doing a "real" Plan A?

As for the worry about financial fallout from a divorce, I will actually be in fine shape if we end up getting divorced. You're right, the financial issues would be all sorted out. Believe me, when he first moved out I worked through all the financial details and realized I'd be a-okay if we divorced. It's this separation that's killing us financially. We can afford to maintain our one household just fine when we are together, but this household is way too large and expensive to maintain along with another one. Another issue right now is that my assets are locked up, for example in this house that I'm in now. Since we are merely separated, everything is just a giant spiderweb. If we divorce, it will take a long time but it will eventually all be sorted out. First thing for me would be to move out of this place and get a smaller, more conveniently located place that is less expensive both mortgage-wise and maintenance-wise. However, that's what I mean by a long time because this house & property are unique and in this market are going to be hard to sell.

I don't really understand your question at the end as to "if I don't want to recover my marriage?" What gave you that impression? I'm not being snarky, I really want to know why you think that? Am I coming off as too practical and strategic? Because that's what I'm here for help with. Believe me, the loving him part I have covered.

Hyacinth, of course you did a real Plan A. You don't need to live together to conduct Plan A. Plan A is only telling him you would be willing to meet his needs in the future if he ends his affair. You did that. Another part of Plan A is exposure and doing everything in your power to bust up his affair.

Plan A for women is only supposed to last 3 to 4 weeks.

You shouldn't argue about the affair but rather state calmly and assertively that you know he's still contacting OW and needs to stop.

Don't let him know your sources.

Let him know calmly and assertively (without debate) that you'd like to recover your marriage but the only way that process can begin is for him to commit to no contact for life with OW.

Thank you. The main reason why I haven't confronted him again was a) I know he's not going to end contact with her until he decides to himself and b) I was worried that discussion would be a real LB and a pointless one at that.

But I do like the idea of just saying I know he's in contact, it really hurts me and he needs to stop. And leaving it at that. No "discussion," no argument, just the statement.

Next weekend when we talk about what he thinks of the MB home study course, I was going to tell him I think we need these 4 things for recovery:

1. He must end any and all contact and connection with the OW permanently and forever. (I�m using so many redundant adjectives to make my point clear.)

2. He must be open, honest and transparent with me in all things. I am offering him the same from me.

3. He needs to move back into the house.

4. We need to either enter counseling (this would be my first choice) or work through the MB home study course (and read SAA). Preferably both!

And really say no more on the subject right then. Not discuss it or ask what he thinks about those four things. I also thought about writing them up like that as a list and giving it to him to refer back to. Think of it as kind of a Plan-B foreshadowing, which he won't realize it was until we hit Plan B.

What do you think? Is this too much discussion about our relationship and the affair while still in Plan A?

Hyacinth, I would focus on #1 for now and leave the rest for next weekend. I would talk to him OFTEN about the affair and demand he end his affair. Bring it up often or he is going to get the impression that you don't care very much and/or are complacent.

Plan A is not the avoidance of any conflict, it is only a pledge to meet his needs in the future if he ends his affair.