Atena, When I came on this board I always had "hope" that XH would change. Even the screen name I chose bellied this "hope".

Do I still have hope..some but more so these days I have faith. "hope" only gets you so far...but Faith that is something real.

I have faith through others on this board that anything can happen
I have faith through all the statistics on affairages
I have faith that I am working through my own plans and doing what I am supposed to be doing for my own family.
I have faith in God and His good grace.

I have stopped asking for reasons for their waywardness and know they are just "aliens" right now. They could change in a second or not but we always have to prepare.

Blessings.

Atena, affairs CAN last for a long time, especially if those waywards are really good a lying, TO THEMSELVES.

We know why 50 year old men, chasing after women 15-20 years younger ends badly, but do those men? Nope. They lie to themselves and they believe their own lies. Waywards lie to themselves the most. They aren't following their true path. That is truly the saddest part of it all, seeing someone who COULD be so much more, wasting their lives being so much less. Wayward or not, it's sad.

But you can't maintain the feeling of romantic love using just the 15 hrs UA time. The whole romantic part doesn't work without POJA/PORH which Dr H has written before that either one or both in an affair most likely WON'T be willing to use.

The problem a WS has of not treating the relationship with extraordinary care, which IS the basis for using all the other principles to maintain romantic love ~ meeting ENs, avoiding LBers, POJA, is what eventually leads to the affair falling apart...

atena, it will not die if they keep spending that time together! That's why its so important for the A to stop immediatley. Im thinking what you're asking is when the BS is in plan B and the WS is still seeing the partner?

Well in that case, that's when the A is allowed to take its course. Everyone knows it has a slim chance of thriving long enough. The very behavior that started the affair ends up killing it. The fog is then lifted.

The WS sees it for what it really is. They may or may not be able to go back to the BS. Hard life lesson.....

This is why exposure is so critical. Exposure leads to all kinds of LBs between the APs as they wrangle with all the "real" issues they didn't have to deal with before.

When exposure alone isn't enough to kill the A, then yes... spending all UA time creates the feeling of romantic love and creates that addiction that is so tough to break.

Newsong, she is in Plan B.


No, the UA time alone doesn't maintain the romantic love. Dr Harley has covered this both when discussing what spouses need to do in working his program and also when discussing the problems that affairages have...

This is from Dr Harley's Plan A/Plan B article.

Thank you all for you wonderful posts.
I tend to forget that A aren't really the union of 2 free people who fall in love in a "clean" way.
It is the union of 2 (or at least one) married persons in a filthy way.
So there are many ingredients missing in the mix and spending lots of time together is not enough if other elements are not in place.
Let's face it, the APs do not have many fond memories of the beginning of their relationship. What are they going to get a kick oN the : "do you remember when you used to sneak behind your wife and son's back". Wow that's thrilling.
ANd yes, once the passion wanes, and it will, how do they rebuild it?
They fake that the BS is back on the scene so they can sneak behind her back again and have exciting sex.
I just do not think WS realize how much of the passion of the A is actually based on sneaking and secrecy.
They think once the A is exposed they can finally stop living a lie and see the OP without hiding.
But I think that after a few months the thrill they used to get out of sex and seeing OP is greatly diminished.
They might attribute this to the relationship normalizing, but then exposure starts to work its magic and the [censored] eventually hits the fan.
And it is true, the more the WS is in denial the more he would want the A to work out, because if it does not....then that means he was wrong...and he is not wrong, of course not!! Or if he is, he will never admit it.
Well, I am going to move in less than a month. I found a great little appartment and I am now in the process of throwing away lots of junk from my M.
Feels like a relief.
Thank you and blessing

Hi all,
i am doing better, it shows from me not posting every day as I used to...however just yestarday 2 friends said both the same thing to me. That they wanted me to know how good i am doing and how good i look and wanted me also to know how bad my WH looks. They both said he looks aged and un-kept. They added that it is strange I look so much better given I am the one who was dumped.
They said WH should be happy given he has everything he wished for: his freedom, OW, no family responsibility.
They believe he is finally seeing what he has done.
I disagreed saying that if he did finally see what he has done he would not be with OW.
Anyway...go figure why he looks bad.
blessing

Hi buddy! How long until you move?

I move in 3 weeks...I just called the movers.
Is getting close..

blessing

Hurray!

Sometimes I think people project their bias or judgment on WH and expect him to look bad so they see him as looking bad. But in my case I have to say that the rare times I saw him he did look un-kept.
The mystery to me is: if he looks bad and maybe feels bad...why does he keep seeing OW? Did the doctor prescribe her as a cure for something????

blessing

yippee!!! Are you getting excited?

I am actually very sad. Been very depressed these past days. I guess the sale of the house, the move and the fact that WH is still with OW are the final tombstone on my M which, at this point, has not hope to go anywhere....
I guess it is a natural feeling...
blessing

I'm sorry to laugh when you are feeling low, atena, but that was funny!!!

It is pretty funny, I admit it. And it really comes across that way...unless he is unhappy in every other situation except when she is with him. Then that's bad news for him.
I guess most of all I am upset at how stupid he is. He does look miserable, but then maybe he has been so for years. He was and looked miserable when he was with me, and things have not changed now that he is with her.
Even Dr. H said that WS are mostly unhappy in their new relationship with the AP.
blessing

To heck with h i m.
Now, on to new and wonderful things (if you dare seek them) !

Hi Atena,
How do you like where you are moving? Maybe open it as a bed and breakfast so we can all visit! Love your current country.

Once you are out of that house you will feel better. You will have no reminders of OW and XH because you can't visualize them in your new living quarters. That will be a good thing because you can focus on yourself.

We do end up looking better because we are living a better life. Not perfect but peaceful and without drama.

When XH started his A, he was practically glowing, tons of energy to go out all the time to keep his A going, new clothes, working out, probably more handsome than he ever was.

Within 2 years time XH has gained close to 50 pounds, the new clothes he now wears is because nothing else fits him, he looks disheveled, started to smoke again, drinking like a fish, bankruptcy, Reality is the shineness of the A has faded and unfortunately he is one of the 3-7% that M his A partner.

The excitement cannot substain, they go back to their own habits and normal lifestyle. All that glitters is not gold.

There is no reasonabile explanation why they continue this path, Is it true love...no, it is more of a stubborness, refusal to accept the mistakes they made - no,

My reason...waywards are just dumb. Until there is remorse and the A implodes they will keep that path.

Good luck on your move. We at MB are excited for you.

Yes, good luck on your move!! How exciting!! You sound like you are doing great.(((atena))))