Thanks, Andy.

What's strange is that she didn't know. Guess the news in my notes to OM's family never reached her.

Expect NC to be broken. He will freak out.

I'm not surprised by this at all. My WXW told guys she met that she was divorcing. She told them this while I was deployed and fat, dumb, and happy about how well my wife was handling things at home.

Funny how all of the men I contacted when I got back had the same story about how she told them she was divorcing. No one had told me. And, of course, according to WXW, they were all liars.

So this little development doesn't surprised me at all.

I think it would be good to reveal this to your WW, so that she can see how much of a liar this man was and she can get over her withdrawl quicker.

Thanks, HTLD. Kind of feeling strange right now--didn't want to ruin a good thing (NC), but didn't want to chance that this guy was actually married and she didn't know. I did the right thing, right?

I wonder if WW knew the truth. Surely she did?

You think so? Unless she's told him her new number/email, the only way he could contact is calling the house phone.

I'd better not have to take off work to man the phone.

Northwood, at the risk of incurring your wrath unintentionally, let me just state that I think your thread is extremely helpful to those in the same situation.

You know why? Because it's so textbook!

I'm not sure you were completely on board with MB principles when you first got here, but you certainly seem won over now!

The things you've been relating are not new. However, they underscore how cancerous adultery can be, and if (and when) surgery is performed, it must be done completely, to cut out the entire offending disease.

I hope that others reading this thread, particularly those who may be walking the fence on exposing, will learn how devious and insidious waywards can be.

Carry on, friend.

Hey Fred, no wrath here and thanks for the comments

You are correct, I plodded my way through MB concepts for a long time--pick and chose, so to speak.

Exposure was the best thing since sliced bread, and I see myself in post after post that others write. I want to leap through the screen and slap them upside the head for being slow and timid, but then I remember I was the same way (my life was crashing around me) and I, too, rejected those same slaps because, well, my case was surely different. Yeah, right.

I'm actually asking for a slap here: how do I bring up that OM is still married? A part of me doesn't want to wreck where we've gotten and put OM back into her mind. Could use some pointers, I don't want to screw something up.

BUT, I sure hope that M-effer gets an earful from his wife when she gets home!!!!!! I DARE that SOB to contact me or my wife. Actually, I kind of WANT him to. Well, no, not really, but y'all see what I mean.

NW8900 - When I initially confronted WW about OM - asking her to give me the name (so I could compare it to the one in my head) and she refused. She said something like 'what are you going to do, kick his a$$?' Well, I bit my tongue. Did I want to do that? Certainly. However, here's what I did NOT say - he's short, stocky and 52 years old - I'm well over 6' and a fit 195 (thanks to the A!) and 8 years younger. I don't beat up AARP members. Would probably not be a fair fight, but I also don't want to get strung up on charges. So instead, I replied, no, I'm not going to kick his a$$. I just wanted a name, that's all. I'm naturally sarcastic...so it took a lot to hold back.

Andy,

Nah, much as I'd love to smear him all over the pavement, I won't do it. But, it'd sure be nice to do in a perfect world

Besides, I saw a picture of him on his company's website. He's a complete goob.

I didn't tell W that I talked to OM's wife. I cannot figure out why, but I think I just don't want to rock the boat. I'm worried that, by telling her, it'll put OM in her mind and she'd be inclined to call him to "see if he's all right" or some such BS.

But...I don't know if she knew he was married or not and just wasn't telling me the truth lest I call OM's W.

Dunno. I'll chew over it tonight, will see what I think tomorrow. In the meantime, if anyone sees this and has a good list of pros/cons that I'm missing, feel free to chime in!

NW - I wouldn't volunteer the info, but I wouldn't deny it if asked. I'm taking a similar tact with my MIL converation today. I decided not to say anything tonight - she's already down because of house and job. Don't need to pile that on tonight - feels like a LB$.

Yes, maybe that's what I'm feeling--like it'd be a LB. But still...

You know how it is.

Don't fool yourself into thinking it would have made a difference to your WW. I would just mention it to her, something along the lines of "oh, BTW, I found out today that OM is actually still M'd". Expect fog-babble in response.

Absolutely! You did the right thing. She had a right to know.

You also reveal to your WW that OM was a liar and used her for some tail. That will open her eyes more than anything.

Others here might feel different about telling your WW the truth, but I think the truth cleanses.

Talked to W at lunch, told her I had talked to OM's W. I could tell she held her breath but tried not to let it show. I told her what we talked about and that OM's W was pretty sure that she wasn't divorced or separated and had never even gone down that road.

W apologized, said OM had told her that he was separated and, because of OM talking about lawyers, that she had assumed that their marriage was at the end. She knew he wasn't divorced and said she was sorry for lying to me about it.

I said "That's fine, it sounds like OM sure lied to you about his situation." I think it clicked a little.

I'll still bird dog this for any break in NC, though.

---------------------------------
EDIT: W apparently chewed on what I said because she just called and first thing she said was "He wasn't even separated?!?" Nope, his wife didn't seem to recall that

W said she was just trying to put the pieces together, reiterated that she was never going to talk to him again and that this wasn't really that important because of that, but she said she just felt like a complete fool.

I didn't disagree, just said that OM sounded like he was dishonest to everyone (my W and his W).

So, I think my W is starting to see what a loser this guy is.

Hows it going North? I am SO glad the forum is back up. Its like I lost my anchor!

Hey Reynolds,

Yeah, it was kind of strange not having this forum...maybe I need a new hobby at 11 pm

Things are *ok* I guess, thanks for asking. I had thought that WW's withdrawal had come and gone too quickly compared to what I've read of others.

We've been talking a lot and today she said she still misses OM. I did ok with my response, said thanks for telling me, but then just snapped and went off on what a POS he is. She didn't hate him, but didn't want to contact him but had thought about it and wanted to let me know. She says she's totally committed to the marriage, and I haven't seen any indication of broken NC. I think it was honest, but you know how you cannot help but wonder.

So...that's the news and I'm as confident as I can be that our marriage will survive. I just don't think there's an alternative, you know. We're reading Love Busters book, tonight she actually asked a question about something read so, maybe, we're getting somewhere.

But, damn, it's the ups and downs that wear you out!

Yes tell me about it. I know you saw what my week was like. Better today, she came to me about the email which was really good. Sorry for TJ.

You know, this is one of the beautiful things about exposing to the wife/girlfriend/lover of the OM; it often has the effect of also exposing the quality of the OM as... a real douchenozzle.

The process was a back step for me, but the dividends were worth it.

Thanks, HHH.

We talked about POS yesterday after her comment that she missed him. I finally got out of her that she almost hates it when I criticize him (but understands why I do) because she then feels like she should be yelled at, too, since it was her fault as well. She said she knew the affair was a fantasy, so I guess that's good to hear (less fog).

She still wants to defend him, but admits that she shouldn't. Ughh!! But I think we're getting there.

She did comment that OM's W was "kind of loony" and I asked if she ever met her. No, she said. Well then how do you know she was "loony"--heard that from OM? OM's W sounded pretty coherent when I talked to her, I said. Why would OM's W lie to me versus what motivation would OM have to lie to you about the state of his affair? Maybe to get in your pants? No real reply on that, but point was made.

She kept insisting that the affair happened while he was separated. I said that OM's W didn't seem to recall being separated and, besides, he was still married! No, but he said he was separated, she says. According to the State of ___ being separated means you are still married. Period! No reply on that, either.

The fog still runs through her veins and withdrawal is still going on.

I never did hear from OM's W again--hope she nailed that [censored] to the freaking floor.

With some luck he is now throwing your wife under the bus to save his marriage. Thats what happened for me. Although it does not get you recovered but its a nice start.

NW8900 - Is it me or is it just plain weird that she's discussing her feelings for OM with you, the BH? I would avoid this topic altogether, the other couple shouldn't have a prominent role in your conversations. You guys should focus on you and your plans, your future, etc. Besides, no matter how you answer, there's a LB in there somewhere. Avoid it!..just my 2 cents worth.