And again, I will tell you his brain is working at about a 4th grade level right now. Any adult who claims his affair partner is his "soulmate" is seriously lost and confused. Going on "vacation" with the opposite sex and having responsibility-free moments with sex and communication is certainly going to be a chemical rush.

The mistake is when the person having the affair believes this chemical-induced fantasy is real, and believes that the AP is a "soulmate." This is the thinking of a grade school boy hitting puberty, not a logical, rational grown man.

And of course you are not going to feel love while he is high on the drug addiction of the A. He has not come to his senses, and he won't until he recovers from his addiction and returns to reality.

Reality and affairs are mutually exclusive-- you can have one or the other. You can't have both.

The 'soul mate' reference always gets to me. They ALL think they've found their 'soul mate'.

I understand how hurt this makes you feel, Sandra, but please don't dwell on this. You're pretty early into recovery. Just keep going for now. Don't second guess your feelings or his right now. You've got a bit of a road ahead of you.

Fears of "what if" can paralyze you and keep you from executing your best MB plans.

Can you self correct away from "what if" ?

The best way I've found to deal with the "what if" mental detours is to ANSWER the question.

If you do your very best MB plans, and WH still feels "that way" about OW, then you can always separate/divorce and end the marriage.
You will always have that option.

Meanwhile .... deal with doing the best MB plans to the best of your capacity.

Surviving infidelity is tough enough.
Try not to put additional "what if" problems in front of you.

If there is contact (ran into person at store and instead of leaving talked to "end it well" which he recognizes was a mistake on his part) after the NC letter, what should happen?

If there is an "Accidental" contact you LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!!

Since they talked I would tell him to write another NC letter and send it out again.

found out the day after you so i know you are feeling very axnious. found the site 3 days after, found it very helpful to chat with people that are more skilled than i am/was. listen to them they have alot of helpful information. sorry you are here also. get up, take a shower, kiss your kids, put on your favorite shirt- thats a good way to be ready for your new challenge

married 16ys. fw. no kids.

Ok. So he's committed and we're trying to rebuild with MB's. We've got EP's in place. There are a few areas (his work email particularly) that I nor he can think of a way to make it impossible for him to fall essentially but everything else is solid and he's on board with it all.

We're trying to work on EN's and time. I think I'm doing the best I can and pretty well at his. He's trying to meet my conversation need. He works long days (10 hours plus 1 hour each way commute) but we talk on lunch, commute, etc. so that time isn't completely wasted. We're spending the time here too week-ends and what little evening there is on work nights with special needs kids and all. So the time is in place actually.

Here is my issue. I think my top need is actually family commitment and he's not meeting that in ways that meet me (ie he makes money and helps a ton with stuff around the house I can't do myself for health reasons but those aren't meeting this need for me). In fact, I've got major issues with his discipline techniques and spiritual training (lack of given his own convictions in that area) of the kids. It's always been an issue for me and what I've told him over and over would help me feel closer and more positive toward him.

Every time I mention this (even now..post his affair when I"m meeting his EN's despite nothing positive for me as well as the years prior) I get a lot of resentment about how much he does (work/home) and how that should count. When I explain what I am talking about for FC he tells me that he'll just stop doing anything else around here then. Sort of like saying "then I'll stop working if that's not what meets your FC need otherwise my work should be enough". Well, that's not an option to stop of course but no it's not adding huge credits in my love balance.

Then out comes the resentment about how much time house maintenance and work takes and he just doesn't have time for anything else. He has time of course for his own needs (SF for example) to be met and he somehow found time to pour into a relationship with OW. I'm told I don't get it that he's already overwhelmed and I expect too much. He's angry to boot and resentful. This has been true since the kids were born actually.

What it boils down to for him: It's challenging (parenting) and so he's not sure he can do that.

To make it worse my 2nd is honesty and openness and that's clearly not his strength. He can meet conversation but it's doing nothing for me under the circumstances. Affection means he becomes pushy for SF.

I don't know how to do this.

Did this actually happen?

How long did they talk?
Was the conversation 100% inside the store?

I would be very suspicious this was not an accident.
Are you?



Sorry, I don't know if OW has a husband.
If she has a husband or a live in boyfriend, you should contact that person ASAP and inform him of the "accidental" meeting.

Sandra, I would put all this on the back burner for now until you fall back in love with each other learn how to negotiate. Your need of "FC" is somewhat important, but it is minor compared to what is really lacking in your marriage right now. Before you resolve that issue, I would focus on falling in love again and then the next step would be to learn to use the POJA. It sounds like he has resentments about certain things and so do you. That is stuff that can be resolved when you become more skilled at using the POJA.

The main focus now should be falling in love again. In order to do that, you will need to spend 20-25 hours per week meeting the top 4 INTIMATE EMOTIONAL NEEDS of affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation and recreational companionship. The time should be scheduled and should be when you are ALONE with no children, no friends, no TV, no distractions. That should be your first step toward recovery.

This program does not work without this step. Undivided attention is crucial to the recovery of your marriage.

Then, once you are on the way to restoring love in your marriage, you can LEARN how to negotiate these tough issues, practicing with the smaller issues first.

Another important item is the OW's husband. Has he been informed of what your H has done to him?