Time for a brief update, nothing much to report.

Things still going very well in my current relationship. We had the big disillusionment issue with my kids, but have put that behind us pretty well. She is exposed to them periodically and everyone has gotten along well, but nothing is forced and we're taking it very slowly on that front.

She did begin to break out in hives just yesterday when I was giving her a rundown of soccer practice schedule, homework and projects due, and upcoming scout activities. She was very honest in saying she doesn't miss that at all. I told her I understood, but that I'm not going to insulate her from that part of my life, either. No rush for her to jump into being involved with children at that level, but it is my life and a big part of who I am.

We see each other practically every day now. If I have the boys, she will have dinner with us once or more a week, or just hang out and watch TV and put in a movie as they go to bed.

When I don't have them I am at her house a lot.

On all other fronts we are still firmly in the infatuation stage and our feelings for each other grow stronger and stronger.

We are still going with the mindset of just taking things day by day, enjoying being with each other when we can, and let the future work itself out. Seems to be working for us right now.

Something to consider Schtoop......

You may want to envision what your ideal partner looks like, and what you want out of a relationship. If you want a partner in parenting too, she may not ever want to fill that role. I can't see that working out long term.

I found out 12 years into my marriage, in a marriage counseling session, that my husband didn't feel at all responsible for my two children, his stepchildren. No wonder he was never supportive to me or the children all of those years. He only was supportive of us if he wanted to be. Not like it is for real parents who have the 24/7 responsibility of being a parent.

Of course, it's all in what you want in a relationship. Even though my kids are grown now, I want to be with someone who knows how important my kids are to me, and is willing to try to establish a relationship with them.

Dating is the interview process as they say.

That is something to consider....what am I looking for in a partner?

When I first decided to start dating again, a long-term partner or (gasp) getting married again was the furthest from my mind. I just wanted to meet and enjoy the company of the fairer sex.

At the most, I envisioned finding someone to go out with once or twice a week and enjoy each others company, but still have our seperate lives. Didn't see a rush to exclusivity and certainly not a life partner.

That is what I set out looking for. I was not "interviewing".

Then I met this lady who has shaken all that up. I'm still not ready to say that I want a life partner, nor a stepmother for my boys. But, the relationship does have me re-evaluating my goals and what I want from a relationship. The ship has kind of sailed on the "casual" type of arrangement I described above, and I'm glad that it has. I'm also fairly certain that neither of us is ready to start considering a more permanent committment. That may come with time, but we are not there yet.

So, the taking things day-by-day is okay for now. How long will it be OK? I don't know, but it is fine for where both of our goals are at this time.

I also don't want to give the impression that she has no interest in my children or doesn't understand how important they are. She does and she is taking small steps at a time.

But, I do appreciate her honesty. Better to know up front, and all along the journey, exactly where she stands and feels about being involved in their lives. The worst thing for all involved would be for both of us to delude ourselves and jump into an arrangement that we really aren't ready for.

So to answer your question, her hesitancy with the boys is not a deal breaker for where my relationship goals are at this time.

Schtoop,
It sounds like you're on a merry-go-round and if she wants time with you she has to run and jump on for the ride! And there's nothing wrong with that, that is how it is when you're raising kids and you're an involved parent...I remember those days all too well and loved every minute of it. It could be that as she gets to know your kids better and if she becomes an integral part of your life, she may want to step up to the plate...but it's not something you can count on. It may sail along like it is for quite some time and then one of you may want something more, and that's when a decision will be made that the relationship may continue or end. In dating someone with different desires, that is a risk you take, just so you don't get caught off guard. What's hard is when you fall for someone completely and THEN it ends for whatever reasons...not something that can't be gotten through, but it's just hard nonetheless. Just so you never compromise (and I don't think you will) in a way that would be detrimental to your kids. It sounds like you're doing a terrific job with them. Let her be the decider if she wants to be along for the ride or not, you keep going the direction that you need to.

On a related subject...,

I was trying to decide between the hoodie-footie pajamas or the Vermont teddy bear for a Valentine's Day present. Looks like I don't have to decide!!

Pajamas

Sweet!

That is too cute! I like the cami's...add a pink zippered sweatshirt and you're set for any time of year!

Schtoop, day by day stuff is all fine and dandy... But I'd be a little concerned about your kids getting attached to her with so much time spent together, if she is not even sure she wants to do the kid thing again... I'd probably err on the side of seeing her more one-on-one, and leaving the kids out of it, I dunno.

AGG

Hey Sh2p,
Good to hear your latest update. I'm watching you very close and am grateful to all those with advice about mixing GF and kids. It's helping me a lot.
Opt
PS - Learning2Liv has a thread in the Divorce section entitled "should I marry again" (or something like that). SmilingWoman then posted a link to an article about things to look for in a marriage partner - you'll see it. I read it today and it was pretty cool. Another marriage is a long ways away but I, like you, never intended to be in a relationship like this at this juncture either. The woman I'm dating is so sweet and kind. I didn't know there were any out there like her .

That is a great article btw. I merged it with my 'top ten list' and when I met my dh I 'knew'. On our wedding day I gave him a copy of my top ten list and told him he was everything I ever wanted and didn't believe existed.

Sorry, didn't have time to look for your link.

But, GF did share her three-page handwritten list with me a while back. I pretty much nailed every item, except one.

Hey Schtoop! how's it going my friend? You havent' been around in a little while.
I am reading a book about compatability that someone suggested on my thread: "Will our Love Last"
It's been interesting not just from the dating perspective but it's giving me a new sense of just how off me and wxw really were. [not that there's an excuse for her wayward behavior or checking out of the marriage without discussing it with me first, sheesh... ...]

I thought of you and your above post about hitting the bullets on the list.
Is your lady hitting your bullet list, sh2p?

opt

Hey Opt and all, guess I have been pretty quiet lately and that's a good thing.

Things are still going very well with Preacher Girl(PG). I never really had a "list" of what I was looking for, just a few items that would definitely eliminate a potential partner. I think an extensive list is rather limiting, especially when we aren't even sure of what we are looking for.

My brother, who divorced several years ago, jokingly claimed he would never partner up with an intelligent woman again. Rather have someone simple who would always follow his lead. Well, PG is definitely not in that mold, she is extremely intelligent, well-read, and insightful. She actually humbles me at times.

On another front, my exwife had weight and self esteem issue and I really hadn't found her physically attractive in many years. Not to sound shallow, but it really is nice right now to be with someone who totally rocks my world as far as physical attractiveness goes.

As far as the relationship goes, we are kind of experiencing the ebb and flow of finding how we fit together. Some times it feels so good and natural that we get caught up in imagining a life together. Other times it's more in perspective and no one is in any rush to give up newfound feedom and independence. Remember, I had been married for 16 years and she had been married for 29. She has her children grown and out of the house and has dreams of traveling and exploring new paths in life. Because of my children, job, and situation, I just don't have the freedom to get up and go like that and she struggles with the idea of tying herself back down for another 12+ years. That is the long-term challenge, can we mesh these two realities together well enough to be fulfilling for both of us?

In the near future, we have 3-day camping trip planned for next week with the boys, and next month the two of us have a 4-day weekend planned in New Orleans.

We're not putting any pressure on ourselves to come to a "now or never" decision. We love being together when we can right now, so take it day by day and enjoy the moment.

Good to hear from you schtoop and I'm glad things are going well!

Doesn't sound shallow to me. It's an EN according to Harley. NG is in very good shape - she eats well and exercises. That means something to me as I try to do the same. PA fits in there somewhere.

Before MB I never knew how to look at physical attractiveness. It just always seemed important but I didn't know why. Anyway, I'm glad PG and you are enjoying each other; I'm sure you both feel very fortunate to have met each other.

Opt

Hi Schtoop,

Just dropping in to say "Hi". I'm glad you and PG are enjoying each other's company. Sounds like some fun times coming up.

Agree with Opt. I don't think it's shallow at all. I also have a high EN for physical attractiveness.

And I've always known that a lot of guys care about that. I was never delusional enough to believe that it didn't matter. I felt validated when that was listed as an EN.

Wow, has it really been two months since I posted on my own thread???

I have chimed in and shared what's happening on other peopls's threads, but have neglected my own.

Quick rundown, things are still going very well with Preacher Girl (PG). We just celebrated our 6-month anniversary. We went to New Orleans a couple weeks ago for a weekend and Jazzfest. We had a great time overall, but there was a little bit of discovery (won't call it disillusionment) on the trip, also. Just another step towards learning each other. We still value our time together and spend nearly every available opportunity to be together. She is also becoming more comfortable and integrated with the boys, from spending time with us out or at my house to having us over to hers on several occasions.

I've had a couple of interactions with xWW that are interesting. A few weeks ago she was very chatty when exchanging the boys, and the subject came up of them being welcome to come use her pool even when they are with me. She said just call first to make sure no one else is there. I didn't comment any further then to say "OK, no problem". A little later in the conversation she made another comment about someone hanging out. After a third mention, I took the bait and asked if she was seeing someone. Of course that's what she wanted and she gave me a few sparse details. But, she did reiterate how the boys don't know and she keeps it totally separate from them. I know that's a dig at me having PG around them as much as I do, but the great thing about being divorced is that her opinion is no longer of any consequence. I'm actually glad that she has someone to hang out with.

XWW has also been stressed because she is homeroom mom at their school and has been very busy with a summer carnival, field trip, etc. and her work. This is more of the same and I always told her she overextended herself trying to be supermom to the point that she was either absent or exhausted at home. I know she feels I'm not stepping up to the plate enough in this regard, but I do plenty for them and their extracurriculars. Again, her opinion has no bearing anymore and that feels so freeing.

Last weekend I took the boys shopping and made sure they had cards and gifts for Mother's day. I arranged for them to spend lunch and much of the afternoon with her, even though it was my weekend. I even include a card from myself that briefly thanked her for what she does for the boys. Haven't heard a word of thanks, yet.

One last thing, I had the boys for Easter weekend and we had a great time. Took the boys to Easter service at PG's church. This was a big step. I have been introduced to many of her congretation and come to her services from time to time and sit in the back. But, bringing in the whole clan on Easter is a bit more of a demonstration of us being together. After service we went back to my house for Easter egg hunts and a nice dinner. PG even found a few eggs of her own, a couple with a matching pearl and leather ring and earrings in them. Talk about home run!

Schtoop!!

Sounds good, man. I like your tone. It seems like you are comfortable with the way things are going. That says a lot and I bet the kids are benefitting from the calm and good vibe of it all.

I guess we both understand the Infatuation stage can't last forever, so a little "discovery" or reality if you will, is a good thing. I'm sure PG is an awesome chick and I'm glad you found each other.

I credit you with your interactions with xww. They seem very mature, but you also portray a sense of detachment; that is very healthy for the kids not to think Mom and Dad hate each other. I never wanted to be there with xww either - not good for anyone. Giving her a card was a kind gesture, in my opinion.

Funny thing - I invited NG to church on Easter weekend (for one of the many masses I attended). It didn't work out because she was with her family and everything. I have to admit I was a little nervous. That would be a "big step" I'm not sure I'm ready for. It will happen eventually. In time - no rush.

Do you still feel a little "split" between PG and the boys? And do you ever get time just for schtoop? Have they asked if you intend to marry PG? Do they see her trying to fulfill any type of motherly role?
My 14 yo is having a hard time - I haven't brought it up in my thread yet, but he has said he doesn't like the idea of me marrying another woman. Funny because he was all gung-ho about me dating back in the beginning. I'm just taking it slow with him - I think he's afraid to "lose me" but it's hard to figure an adolescent.

Thanks for the update and I'm really happy for you.

opt

Thanks for checking in and for the support, Opt.

About PG and my boys,

When I first introduced them, DS7 was very open and friendly, but DS10 told me afterwards that he DID NOT want a stepmother or step siblings. We talked about it and explained how she didn't have young children, so that was not an issue. I also told him that we weren't even thinking of marriage now, we just enjoy being with each other. He resisted to some degree, not with open hostility, but just not being very present when she was around.

Now she has developed a strong warmth for DS7. He is the sweetest little boy and loves hanging around her. DS10 has transitioned to full-on acceptance and now acts completely normal around her and even friendly and engaging most of the time. I still hear a comment every now and then (in private) that she comes over too much, and I am careful to have a day or two out of my time with them when its just me and the boys. PG still likes and gets along with the youngest better, but is warming up to DS10 more and more every day.

Any talk about soccer games and practice, cub scouts, school projects still gives PG the hives (she says she's been there, done that), but she genuinely likes hanging out at the house, eating dinner, or going on fun outings with us.

She's not assumed a motherly role yet, but is getting more comfortable about correcting the boys when they need it or correcting me when I need it!

She still struggles from time to time with me being somewhat unavailable when I have the boys, but that is eased a little with the increased time she spends with us together.

You ask about any "Schtoop" time? Not really, or not at all is more like it. Cannot remember the last time I had a day completely to myself. I have missed most of the spring fishing season and hardly have put my boat in the water. That's going to change now that soccer season is ended. Time for myself is something I need to put higher on the priority list.

Yep, finding that elusive balance seems to be troubling most of us in the BH 'class' the most. Balancing time between kids, family, significant others (or dates with possible SOs), friends, work, and our own 'me time'. Not sure what the right mix is, but if you crack the code on it, let us know!

It sounds like you and Opt are getting pretty close to that balance though, and it's good to see.