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#2487291 03/11/11 05:09 PM
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Hello everyone, I want to share my story, and get support for something I never dreamed I would experience, and the emotions I'm struggling with.

14 February 2011, my world started to change forever. A friend back home (In Minnesota where we are both from, we currently live in Maryland), emailed me asking if everything was ok between my wife and I. I thought that was strange, and replied back that yes, we were ok, and I didn't know what he was talking about. He responded back if I was sure, and I was wtf, yeah, what are you talking about. A little back story, her uncle back in MN is currently dying of cancer and several trips were made home 1-2 times a month, which enabled her and OM to get together while she was there. My wife had always told me that the OM was a cousin of hers, and I believed her, so I didn't give it a whole lot of thought. I did think it was strange, because they literally texted all the time, hundreds of times per month. I trusted her completely though. I know now I shouldn't have.

The next email I got from my friend set me on a roller coster of emotions, I didn't not even know what to do. My hands are trembling right now recalling this. What I received was a chat log between my friend and a mutual friend of his and my wife's that talked about my wife and OM being together while she was in MN and the OM was checking in at places on Facebook with her, and that it was obvious there was something going on but nothing concrete. After reading that I was devastated thinking it was true. It was lunch time and she had just gotten back that Sunday and didn't unpack, so I went home to check her bag. After opening it, the first thing on top was a Valentine's Day card from OM to her thanking her for the weekend and that he loved her. Somehow I rationalized it away because I still thought it was her cousin, and went back to work. My gut knew something wasn't right and finally I had to go home. I waited, and paced, and cried, and waited for her to get home. When she got home I handed her the paper calmly to let her read and see what she had to say. Her hands immediately started trembling while reading it and became irritated with the people that were chatting, and reaffirmed that the OM was in fact her cousin. I don't know why I believed her, maybe it was easier that way. That night I received an emotional email from her while I was asleep in the other bedroom (We had been sleeping in other rooms for years because I snore like a chainsaw). We had been having problems conceiving last year and were visiting a fertility clinic to help. She had an ectopic pregnancy that had to be aborted that was devastating to her, and I did not know how to handle it and was not there for her like I should have been. The email also mentioned an incident when she was at a friends house and got stung by a wasp, and she told me via text message, and I responded with a sad face emoticon. That hurt her because she is allergic to bees and didn't know what a wasp sting would do, and a simple emoticon from me didn't show any signs of caring.

She sent me an email at work saying she was going home. I didn't know what was wrong. After a little bit I checked my phone for something and saw the email that had been sent that I described above at the end of the paragraph. I went home right away and we talked and made progress I thought. Went back to work, and after I came home we had a great evening together, laughing and talking, and burning through episodes of Glee.

16 February 2011, my worst fears were confirmed. The previous chat log had been eating at me and knotting up my stomach. My wife has two phones, an iPhone with a MD number, and an old Verizon Wireless phone with a MN number for her disabled dad to call. She has had that phone number for years and her dad has the number memorized which is why it was held on to. After my wife went to work, I thought I would check it. I was not prepared for what I found. Text messages from her to him *edit. I thought I was going to have a heart attack right there. I attempted to go into work, but after a few minutes of being there I knew I couldn't. My heart was beating out of my chest, my hands were cold and clammy, and my soul was crushed. I told my supervisor what was going on and he said to go home, my head would not be in the game.

I got home and quickly burned through half a pack of smokes while crying and not even knowing what to do. I'm in IT, and work at a gov't computer forensics lab, so I'm very good with computers. I knew that when you sync an iPhone with iTunes, it creates a backup of all images/videos/sms text messages/browser bookmarks/etc.. so I set about investigating. Grabbed the backup files of the iPhone off her PC and copied them over to my MacBook and started the process of extracting all that information. I open the spreadsheet file of the text messages and had recovered 13,000+ messages (Includes send and receive). Not at all of those were to the OM, but about 90% were. I started reading, I couldn't get far and had to take breaks as it was almost too much. I read details of the sexual encounters, what happened during them, plans for the future, the emotional bonding between them, about a shirt he gave her and she would place on her pillow to smell his scent. I was destroyed. At that point, I think I would have preferred death. I've never felt anything like the pain I was feeling then, it was indescribable. She started texting me if everything was ok, and it took all I had in me to respond nicely, as I was not going to reveal I knew everything in an email.

I was completely destroyed the rest of the day until she got home, consumed by what I had read. I asked if her the OM was really a cousin and she replied that he was just a friend. I tossed her her phone and said that I knew what he was. Told her I had read all the text messages from her iPhone and repeated several of the things that proved I knew. It was emotional after that, and I was angry. I left the house and drove around and went to work to confide in my boss who knew what was going on. Eventually numbness set it in, and I drove back home. We started talking and I asked a lot of questions and outlined several things that would have to change or be implemented if I wanted to fix our marriage. I knew I still loved this woman after everything I had read and saw, and I still wanted to make it work. I knew about Marriage Builders already and told her about it. We did the questionnaires and ordered the at home lesson kit. Both of us have lived on these forums since then and have been making great progress implementing the policies and lessons outlined by Dr. Harley, and also discovering what needs were and were not being met by both of us.

I will make another post D-Day post to share what we have been doing since then, I need to step away from the computer for a little bit and collect myself.

Last edited by MBSeasons; 03/11/11 05:28 PM. Reason: TOS Sexually graphic

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Hello nelsonak<

Welcome to MB. I have read your WW's thread. I am so very sorry for the situation that brings you here. The good news though is you are HERE at MB. Dr. H has a plan that can help you recover your M and fall deeper in love than you were before.

First thing though, have you ever had a sleep study for the snoring? You need to be back in the marital bed with your WW. That is a shared intimacy that is deeply important. Sleeping apart helped leave a gap in my M that led to not only my A but my H's A as well.


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Yes, since 17 Feb, I returned to the marital bed and have been using the snore strips on my nose, which help. I went to a doctor finally this week, since I hadn't seen one since I left the military in 2009. They are sending my information over to have a sleep study scheduled for me. Based on the information I gave to my doctor he thinks it might be sleep apnea.


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nelsonak,

Are you satisfied that your WW is being transparent with you? Has she taken down her Facebook account? Do you feel you have gotten the truth from her?


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Has she written a list of EP's (extraordinary precautions) that you have approved? Has there been a NC letter sent to OM?

Next question, are you working the MB plan?


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Hi, I'm so sorry you are having to experience this very painful time in your marriage and life right now. I know all too well the feelings of dread, and the absolute GUTTED feeling in your heart and soul. I used to say I felt like I was turned inside out, and I was walking around with my insides exposed. It's a brutal brutal feeling and I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. You and your wife are in my prayers.

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Originally Posted by faithful follower
nelsonak,

Are you satisfied that your WW is being transparent with you? Has she taken down her Facebook account? Do you feel you have gotten the truth from her?

Yes, I am satisfied there is full transparency. I have access to everything and regularly check it and ask questions. She has not taken down her Facebook account. I did not ask her to. OM and family have been removed and blocked and I do login and check it often. I believe I have gotten the full truth from her. The vast amounts of information I uncovered informed me of the full scope of what happened and the relevant details, and there has been no deception from her any step of the way.


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Originally Posted by faithful follower
Has she written a list of EP's (extraordinary precautions) that you have approved? Has there been a NC letter sent to OM?

Next question, are you working the MB plan?

There has been no physical list that has been exchanged, we have discussed the precautions though. I will have her write a list to give me though.

While there has been no contact since D-Day, there has not been a no contact letter written and sent.

We have completed the questionnaires on the website, read all articles, and just started the at home lesson last Sunday.


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Thank you followingGod, the prayers mean a lot.


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I want to say that I am sorry for you. I am a WW. I betrayed my husband and I am full of regret. I am thankful to have found this site. I know my marriage is over and I pray that you have the strength to work this out with your wife if you still love each other. I am new to this site. And my wounds and his are fresh. If I could do anything over again. I would not have done this. I did not get caught, I confessed becasue I could not live a lie and if we were or if there were any chance of working it out he had to know. Now that he does it may be over, but although this is so painful I am glad that I did not lie anymore. And that I cared enough and loved him enough to let him know. THere are going to be many tears. AT the time of the affair, you dont think about this part. You cannot immagin the pain you cause when you hurt someone this way, and yourself. You dont how bad the loss is until it is over. So try, try to work through it if you can.


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Originally Posted by nelsonak
Yes, since 17 Feb, I returned to the marital bed and have been using the snore strips on my nose, which help. I went to a doctor finally this week, since I hadn't seen one since I left the military in 2009. They are sending my information over to have a sleep study scheduled for me. Based on the information I gave to my doctor he thinks it might be sleep apnea.

I don't venture over here very often, but something that helped my DH who the doctors and I think my have Sleep Apnea was a SnorGuard mouthpiece. It's cheap and he doesn't snore with it in. Prior to his snoring was so loud it woke him up and I had been known to sleep on the couch here and there.

It's a cheap fix until you get the sleep study done, the wait is about 9 months down here!


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Nelson, have you had a chance to read through any of Dr. Harley's books, or any of the articles here?

If not, I suggest WW and you print them out, starting with the Basic Concepts, and then the 4 part series on Coping with Infidelity.

Read them separate, or read them together - whichever works for you two.

Read all the material that is available on the site. Whenever you find something relevant that you would like to discuss with your wife, print it out and prep it for discussion.

My FWW and I each read them separately and highlighted portions which stuck out or made a lot of sense - and then we sat down together and discussed the articles. We then filed those away in a 3-ring binder just for MB materials and printouts.

You will also want to do the Questionnaires.

Do both the Emotional Needs and Love Busters questionnaires, and the Personal History questionnaires.

Sorry you are here, brother. Welcome aboard.


Last edited by HoldHerHand; 03/11/11 06:23 PM.

"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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HoldHerHand - We are reading HNHN and Love Busters. We have both also read the articles and concepts on the website.

We have also done the questionnaires and and gone them through together and discussed them in depth.

Thank you.


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Sorry you are here but welcome!

Dr Harley is very clear that the path to recovery is a very NARROW one and stresses the importance of not skipping steps.

Unfortunately, oftentimes WSs will want to skim over the "safety" portion of recovery and jump right over to the "meeting ENs" portion...which will come back to haunt you. I know this from experience. After the intial hysterical bonding period, my H and I were somewhat limping along in our recovery, and Steve Harley told us we needed to "start" over with the protection phase which he didn't feel my WS did a good job with.

Re Just Compensation, I see some steps that are being skipped and the only reason given by your WW is that you haven't asked for it. These are gestures that may seem small or unnessary but I believe they go a long way in the recovery process so I am going to encourage you to ask her to follow through on these things.
1) NC letter
2) EPs, in WRITTEN form to your satisfaction
3) FB account closed...

If at a later time in the recovery process you want to revisit the FB issue, by all means you should, but at this stage when your M is in the very early stages of trying to recover from an A, at the very least it is a trigger for you. Worst case, OM can contact her by opening a new account or there may be some indirect contact through a mutual friend as has been alluded to. Not to mention FB is NO place for a person who has not been proven to have strong boundaries.

One question: Was your WW's phone # ever changed or did she switch phones with you?

Last edited by SusieQ; 03/11/11 06:39 PM.

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SusieQ:

Thank for the informative post. I will address all 3 of your recommendations with her. What are your thoughts on having a JOINT Facebook account instead of separate ones?

No, her phone number has not been changed. I have put blocks on OM's number, and GPS on her phone. I can already see you will reply he could simply change his number and render that useless. I will change her phone number.


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Nelsonak,

Did you expose on the OMs side to his wife/girl friend and misc?

God Bless
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Originally Posted by nelsonak
SusieQ:

Thank for the informative post. I will address all 3 of your recommendations with her. What are your thoughts on having a JOINT Facebook account instead of separate ones?

No, her phone number has not been changed. I have put blocks on OM's number, and GPS on her phone. I can already see you will reply he could simply change his number and render that useless. I will change her phone number.

I would say do it, if you can get it to work.

I have gotten some guff myself from family, as FWW and I have both deleted FB for now.

For me, it was because of my own vulnerability to temptation at the time.

You could, of course, operate FB under EP's and PoJA; no opposite sex friends, PERIOD. Only family and close friends, and no work friendships (even of the same sex).

Keeping work and home separate is a good EP. In my case, 2 of FWW's coworkers facilitated and encouraged a lot of independent and inappropriate behavior. Bad friends are an enemy to a good marriage, and work friends get 40 hours a week of time, while spouses struggle to meet 20+.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Gamma, no I did not. When she was home the weekend before D-Day it was broken off, and was certainly dead on D-Day.


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HoldHerHand: the older I'm getting, the less and less I care about Facebook, I've thought of deleting mine several times. We are definitely going to have to seriously discuss it and how to proceed.


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I'm struggling with my thoughts and don't know how to deal with them. SF has been not enough for me except for a few periods of time during the marriage. For the record I'd be completely satisfied with 1-2x a week, hell once a week is fine. It is not my top EN, it's number four on the list. Last year, could probably count the number of times on two hands. There was nothing during the affair. She has bought several books that deal with sex and intimacy that we will go through together, and I applaud her for that. But reading how enthusiastic she was for sex with the OM, and the pictures and text messages describing the acts and enjoyment that were exchanged are adding to my frustrations and internal struggle. Do I just keep meeting her needs and hope she develops the desire?

Last edited by nelsonak; 03/13/11 01:25 AM.

BH (Me)-30
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Married 7/2004
D-Day 14&16 Feb, 2011
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