This may all be true, but did he talk to a lawyer as to what his best bet is? I think it has been said that it serves to give him more if he waits it out and lets her file, as long as he has proof of adultry.

Why file at this point anyway? Is he in a hurry to remarry? He can avoid her crap in a dark plan B.

He can avoid her crap in a dark plan B.

No, he can't.

1) He has no legal grounds to keep her out of their house.
2) He needs to optimize his ability to isolate assets.
3) Their children are young (and numerous) enough to render a fully dark Plan B a pipe-dream.
4) **edited** WW is messed-up enough in the head to vengefully drag him into areas he doesn't want to be. (Re-read the "Vindictive, cheating....." thread.)

Starting the legal process today gives him some "cover" if she pulls any bogus dv-complaint crap - certainly not iron-clad, but some kind of shield.

Seriously, when POSOM is done using her as his sperm-tissue, where exactly is her head going to be? She's going to want revenge - on EVERYBODY - and LM would be well advised to be hiding behind piles of legal documents.

**edit**

I disagree.

1) He has the support from her family and she has someplace to go if he tells her to leave. She is at least intimidated by her peers. She has not gone completly rouge yet.

2)He controls all the money now, if she files and the law in that state favors the BS, he could have it all and get custody of the children and house. He needs a bulldog lawyer in the wings, not one eager for a fee.

3) He has four children, and Family nearby that can facilitate and probably would be good IMs, he does not have to talk to her or answer her calls, and he can block all emails form her. He can get a Go-phone for the kids if he really wants to, with the express instructions that they never relay messages for her. She can see them through the Grandparents picking them up and dropping them off. I am sure the family will do this much, seeing how they have been such supporters so far.

Somewhere here is an articles about Ims, and how to be one, a good one cuts out the drama and sticks to the facts.

3) I know about the vindictive avenging wild women, I lived with one. she has not reached that point yet. Dark Plan Bs are to avoid the WS so it doesn't get to that. He make this move and she complies OR he tells her how it will go down, and she will lose everything. He has a witness with him and a VAR at all times.

I agree legal documents and proof of the affair is vital.

CP: You're kidding, right?

...she has someplace to go if he tells her to leave.

Uhhhhh, in exactly what fantasy-land do you believe a BH can say, "You really should leave our abode out of consideraion for decency and propriety," and the scramble-brained WW is likely to respond, "I certainly see the merits of your case, and will therefore remove myself from these precincts"?

The faster LM gets the process started, while WW is still enjoying *edit* POSOM, the better he'll be able to stake his claim as caregiver and home-possessor.

This is what's known as "Plan FU". It's not MB doctrine, but it *sometimes* has the effect of waking up the WS. Or not.

You can bet the house on this: Anytime a WS (male or female) says stuff like "I'm lost, I'm confused, I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do," it means one thing and one thing only:

"I still want to have both a married life and a single life and I'm trying to figure how to keep that going."

That's 100% what your WW meant by "I'm lost and confused."

See a lawyer about legal separation. You do Plan B once that is in place. Once a BS goes to Plan FU, it's a big signal that Plan B is overdue.

That is my take also.

@NG, It is all over this site where BSs have asked WSs to move out because they won't comply with NC or work on the marriage. This is not a new story that is unique, it has been around for ages.

Going to a DARK, and I mean DARK Plan B where he wont be looking around for her, and will be avoiding her untill she pulls her head from her butt, will give him the same relief as a divorce feels like it will now.


I know what happened, she was all boo-hoo and kept calling OM, and he just couldn't resist the tender trap. Thats what happens when she didn't respect the boundaries of marraige. she is in no shape to become a cheap bar-room hustler, she is foolish and can't get her head around that feelings are not love. She became a victim of her own ignorance, and now those she once loved are paying the consequences.

Yes its time you and BIL go back and talk to him, get it recorded so you can hear his squeal like Bill Paxton in "True Lies" and play it back for WW.

***edit***

I would be the first to say go to Plan D if she was really as hell-bent on being an evil ***edit***. From what LostM has said about her I don't see her that way, and this is Marriage Builders, and even DR H says it not Marriage at all cost.

Last week she took the materials and talked about seeing a counselor, and now its time for more stick, with absolutly no contact with the H she abandoned. Her kids are about to find out what she did, and how she is acting, and why Daddy doesn't talk to or see Mommy anymore. Thats plan B. Exposure, age appropiate to children, and hard and fast discipline are in order here. If she starts stripping or becomes a hooker then God yes just give up, but I don't think she has it is her yet, thank God.

Agree 100%!!!

LostM are you like me? I was raised in a traditional family and the roles were pretty solid. The man provides and works for the household out side the home, and the women was the primary care provider for the house and children.

I was not lost to the idea that women can have carrers, and could have an identity outside the home, as a matter of fact I admired that and encouraged it in both marriages. After marriage and a few years the "Little house on the Prairie" can get worn out if thats all you have. My grandparents were good examples of fair and hard work, while at the same time were co-workers towards the same goals. Hard working farmer backgrounds, Gramps would wash the dishes after Sunday dinner, and then go back out to the garage where he was rebuilding an engine for his neihbor, I was a lucky kid.


From what I read about you, there seems to be some roots that reflect those roles, that wife was happy till she had children and life changed, and she really screwed up negotiating the adjustments. Now you might have been very active with your children, and are very close to them all, but this is a time that you teach them to hate the sin, and not the sinner. That you wont put up with that behavior, but still love thier Mom. That is probably the best lesson you can ever teach them in life, that we all bear consequences and are responsible to clean up where we wrong others. No matter who we want to blame for our actions.

Go to Plan B and stop looking for her, she will either change her mind and comply with what you have asked, or she wont. I'm betting that she will, but no false hope there. Its up to her.

She hasn't been honest with herself and her feelings for years, and she is hurting you for that. praying she sees this before to long, and sees the way back for you two with an MB program of recovery.

Hang in there LostM

CP - thanks for straightening me out.

LostM - if you're there CP probably has the best plan.

If I remember correctly your in-laws are staunch supporters of you. Get their help and get separation papers filled out and discuss your other options.

I'd still take BIL and FIL over to OM for a brief talking to. Bonus if WW is there too!

You should probably tell the older kids about it too.

I'll pray for you and your family.

Sorry to hear the latest, Lost. I'd agree with Powerbane on going with her family to see OM--especially is WW is there.

What has FIL said about this development? Are they still on her about it? Hopefully, the got on her case again.

If she's like she was before, and her family also confronted her after you did, I'm betting she'll do another 180.

I'd still take BIL and FIL over to OM for a brief talking to.

Don't waste your time on POSOM, for two reasons:

1) Unless you're planning to go over there and administer him a Texas-style beatdown (and with four minor children at home, I hope you're NOT), there is nothing you going to say to him that you haven't said, he hasn't heard, and he won't ignore the next time WW shows up to get her current itch scratched. Waste of time, waste of gas driving there, waste of oxygen saying anything, waste of your dignity dealing with scum such as he and WW.

2) By now POSOM is a sidebar to your WW's mental issues. It is obvious she is less running TO his presence, than AWAY from the adult responsibilities of her life with her family.

I would yet again, however, ask why you continue to enable her frenetic flights between home, in-laws', friend's and POSOM's abode? The truck is yours? Take it from her.

CP yes i am a lot like you.

I made her commit to 3 counseling sessions before i would go the Divorce route. She was here last night and was very clear that she wanted nothing to do with me and that she loved om. She has not been out of contact with him at all and there is no way for this to recover with out nc. I cannot make her stop. I like the idea of a dark plan B, but that is difficult because of law and her rights to the kids mixed with work and school and life.

FIL was going to have lunch with her today, right now actually and he was going to try and gets some points accross. dont know how that will affect her. Im ready to do a D when it comes to me thinking about her, then i think of my kids. Thats where the counseling came in. i felt it was necessary to try a little more with counselor involved. She said that she would go but it would be a waste of money.

I thought about legal seperation, but is that worth it? I think d would bring this to an absolution. I have no business going to om. I said what ive had to say and he is a lying sack of S$$$. I dont need to jeopardize my position with the kids. She is still bitter with absolute no remorse. And i have way believe that she could live with out them, although she was wanting joint custody. I say f-that, but then again this is a F'ed up society we live in.
Everything has both our names on it so she has just as much legal right to anything as i do. except i paid for everything. no more money from me and she only has one place to stay and that is a friend. Or OM.

Lost - take a deep breath and a step back. If you still feel this way in a day or two, okay, start down the personal recovery road. I would suggest a legal separation - that way you're protected from any silly decisions she might make down the road. If I were you, I would ask for everything, primary custody of the kids, stay in the marital home, take the best car(s), etc. It'll also show her that you're serious. Maybe seeing it in black and white will shake something loose.

I know, if I did this with my WW, she would be over the moon with joy. She'd be happy and thankful, 'that I finally saw things her way' or something like that. Afterwards, I'd have to console DS, and that's the part that sucks. My WW has told me that counseling is a waste of time and money, but I'm 'making' her go anyway. She knows how stubborn I am, just like I know how stubborn she can be. It's a battle of wills right now, plus she has the whole pride thing going too.

Please think long and hard about the step you want to take to make sure it's the right one for you and your kids!

Lost, see what becomes of the meeting with FIL. Since she knows that OM would never be accepted by her family, that's a big bonus in your favor. That one factor is what broke up my wife's affair. Nothing I did compared to the outrage voiced by my wife's family.

Talk to your FIL and see what he thinks about going to see OM when your WW is there. Take along a tape recorder, but I really think one face-to-face with her family there will make a big impression. If nothing else, the point of the visit can just be to tell OM that he has no future with WW's family or your children. And, with FIL and BIL standing there, the point will be made.

Don't let this mf off the hook so easy!

Wonder if OM is willing to plead his case to her family? If he is a man, thinking he is some kind of knight in shining armor, why could he not come and explain all the reasons he must be youe Ws new provider and protector?...

Oh wait, thats not what he want to do.., and like all of there things, its just to "complicated for anyone to understand"

Yeah LostM, society is way messed up. Doesn't mean we have to be.

What she is doing is ruining her life, and eventually she will probably see it through the consequences. Affairs usually die in a couple of years, and this guy doesn't even have the guts to say he wants her to your face, I doubt he will stay with her and they will have one of those destined for lunacy or disaster affairage marriges.

This guy reminds me of that old joke..

"A man of the cloth found a young man masterbating one day. He said to him, "Don't you know that if you don't stop that you will go blind?"
The boy said he would stop and think about this. A week later he found him doing it again, the boy said, "Its OK, I'm just gonna do it till I need glasses"
Missing the point of what blindness the man was talking about.

She might spin whatever reason she wants that anyone who is foolish enough to belive as to why she left you and your kids. But her options to having real friends are going to be limited if she atays this way, friends don't let friends live in lies, and if she was ever your friend, she is not at this moment, asking you to accept this.

Just do the best you can to not let this destroy your capacity to rise above and have faith in God. Keep your cool and realize that if she knew better, she wouldn't cut her own throat. As you seperate yourself emotionally from what you must, for yourself, your children, and Gods sake.

Well i talked to FIL after lunch and he said he talked to her for a long time. He related his own experience of being faced with the decision to leave when she was 2 and that he made the right decision to stay. He told her these are the cards God delt and you have to play your hand. I was her choice 14 years ago and she commited to me. He told her to get her but home and that if shes tired of trying to make everyone happy then just make him happy and go home with the right heart. He told her she has no time in her life for OM and he has not time for her.

FIL told me she was in tears part of the time. He is the only person that has got her to that point.

I have not talked to her much, just asked how lunch was and she said okay. I dunno if he made much of a crack or not. He said he felt pretty good about his talk. i have my doubts. We will see.

Lost - Your FIL rocks like a chair!!! Wish I got that kind of support from the MIL.

Ya my inlaws are really good to me. I cant knock them at all. They want to schedule a time to go see my folks and apologize for their daughters actions.

Now Thats integrity. It brought a tear to my eye. I wish the extended family was more prevalent in todays society, along with the support like this one is giving you.