azdad - hey, I'm in az too - My thoughts on this may seem harsh, but I am afraid your son is going to get a very warped image of what family and marriage really mean if you do not put up some boundaries in front of your ex-wife.

I completely agree that her relationship with her son is HER problem. From what you have posted, you would think this woman is still married to you.

What part of "divorced" does she not understand? Or, for that matter, do you not understand?

Married people make plans and decisions together. Married people raise children together.

Divorced people are on their own.

I strongly urge you to look into "parallel parenting" as opposed to "co-parenting". This is just another form of cake-eating for your XWW - still wanting the benefits of marriage (like raising children with a partner) but without those pesky committments.

And please, please read the MB thread below:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

If nothing else, consider what you are teaching your son if you continue to be "friends" and a "co-parent" with your XWW.

I disagree. I'll be 'on my own' when my children have graduated from college and are 'on their own'.

Until then, my ex-husband and I make decision about finances, holidays, school, etc. that take us all into account.

And it's not about staying friends - we aren't friends. We don't act like we're friends. We mainly communicate through e-mail and texting, and there is no fantasy being perpetuated by anyone that we're just one big happy family.

Isabeau, I think your situation may be more ideal than most. In many cases, divorced parents disagree and often strongly. Your ex may allow something in his home that you would strictly forbid in yours. For example, what if your ex joined some religion that was in opposition to yours and started teaching it to them? You can argue with him all you want, but you're divorced and you don't have a say in what goes on in that house. He could feed them fast food and candy, not enforce homework, have no set bedtimes and allow unlimited tv and video games there and you can't do a thing about it. His right as a father trumps your ideals of parenthood in a judges eyes so unless the kids are in actual physical danger, the law won't help you.

I completely agree with you. And please know that on a day-to-day basis, I don't agree with the way my ex-husband parents.

But, there those of us out there, even if we're in the minority, who manage to get along well enough to make things stable for our children as opposed to creating continuous chaos - that quite frankly stems from ego and pride.

I choose my battles very carefully, and when I approach my ex about a concern I have, it's not about his parenting skills, it's about the children. That's what I focus on. As long as their actions and behavior demonstrate that they're doing well, there are a multitude of issues that I just let go.

It seems the OP and you are in the same boat. The issue is that the XW doesn't handle those disagreements as well as you do. So the question becomes how does OP deal with her?


In order for this model to work BOTH parens would have to feel the way you do. Continuous chaos can be caused by one parent.

By doing what you mentioned and using the parallel parenting model. (And it's kind of like dealing with a wayward spouse. You don't announce the change. You just do. Why bother talking to someone who isn't listening?)

He could also have firmer boundaries and stop agreeing to what he disagrees with. He doesn't have to get angry or nasty. He simply states what his decisions are rather than looking for agreement or approval.

And communicating via e-mail and texts takes the emotion out of decisions and face-to-face confrontations. At least that's how it is for me. When I write an e-mail, I can say exactly what I want to say, and I have the freedom to edit myself as much as necessary.

And, if I were him, I would stop explaining myself. If she criticizes him in any way, I'd just walk away, or say, 'I'll talk to you when you can be respectful', or 'I'll discuss this with you when you calm down.' Once again, not being unkind in any way, but showing that he's a mature adult in control of himself.


Yes, I agree. I said a few posts back that she isn't co-parenting material.

I was reading a really old thread and found some information about parallel parenting and communicating with a difficult ex that might be helpful.

High Conflict Intervention Program - How to "Ex" Communicate

Hi Azdad,

Just wanted to say hello. I haven't really had anything to offer on this subject, because my kid's dad never bothered to parent at all (for the most part) so I didn't have to co-parent.

It seems like you have received some great advice. I wish you and your family well.

azdad, there is no such evidence. "Co-parenting" is a mythological construct of divorce court bureaucrats who don't want any trouble. Dr Harley doesn't advocate "co-parenting" because of the stress it causes. If a couple can't get along well enough to be married, it is unlikely they will get along well enough to "co-parent." 85% of divorces are NOT amicable so it makes no sense to imagine that co-parenting can achieve something the marriage could not.

Co parenting often causes extreme depression and/or stress for some parents, and that is not good for the children. Especially in marriages that ended due to an affair. Everytime the betrayed spouse has to deal with the XWS, it can be traumatic. Being "friends" with a wayward spouse also sends the message to the kids that it is ok to be "friends" with someone who was abusive. Would it be ok to role model a "friendship" with a wife beater? Because an adulterer is just as abusive. What kind of message does that send to kids?

So don't let anyone guilt you into a corner over some false notions of the virtue of "co-parenting." They are not the ones who will suffer, after all. Hang in there, friend, and do what is right for you and your kids.