|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
markos, I am very concerned that you are barking up the wrong tree entirely and are getting frustrated as a result. If she has been in an affair all this time, then many of her complaints stem from that fog that comes with an affair.
A WW will manufacture and concoct grievances to justify her bad behavior. So, in effect she will have you tap dancing until you are practically dead in an attempt to please someone who really doesn't want to be pleased.
If she has been in an affair all this time, then of course nothing you do could persuade her to engage in the program. It is all a waste of time.
Has she ended all contact with her affair partner? Has she changed the conditions that led to the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Has she ended all contact with her affair partner? Has she changed the conditions that led to the affair? Yes, she has. So, in effect she will have you tap dancing until you are practically dead in an attempt to please someone who really doesn't want to be pleased. I have felt practically dead and hopeless a lot the last few months. But my understanding is that the relationship did not develop until the beginning of this year; it hasn't been going on all this time.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Prisca has asked me how I felt about sending a no-contact letter to OM, and I'd like to mention here how I feel about it: I think it's a terrible idea. No contact is firm, FB is blocked, I warned another mutual friend that I felt that OM was a predator and should be watched, and I don't expect to ever see or hear from him again. I suspected from his behavior for awhile he was aiming for my wife (or any other woman online who would flirt with him; he is recently divorced and has abandoned any belief in morality), and I'd like him to either never notice us again or notice we've vanished and wonder why, not to suspect that there was any kind of a problem and think that this target might be a good one to continue to pursue.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Then I wouldn't see the need for the NC letter. It's your call, Markos. The value of NC letters are more for peace of mind for the betrayed spouse, IMO. If you're comfortable the Prisca is no longer engaging with OM and if OM isn't contacting you I would say let the NC letter go.
Last edited by maritalbliss; 03/16/11 02:54 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
Prisca has asked me how I felt about sending a no-contact letter to OM, and I'd like to mention here how I feel about it: I think it's a terrible idea. Really? You know better than Dr. Harley? Personally, I think you BOTH should send this POSOM a NC letter. Markos, you should let him know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he had better stay far, far away from your wife, that you know alllll about their little game and you are not tolerating it. Prisca can add her own note in there that you didn't deserve this and she deeply regrets hurting you. Then you both sign it. Additionally, I think you should expose him to any and all mutual friends. They need to be aware that he's a predator and needs to be kept far away from all married women. Why are you so against the NC letter, despite Dr. Harley's opinion on the importance of it?
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
not to suspect that there was any kind of a problem and think that this target might be a good one to continue to pursue. He won't think that if it comes from YOU. YOU are the protector of your wife and family and this is what OM needs to know...that you are going to stand up and protect Prisca and your family at all costs. I think you are making a grave mistake in not doing this. What are you afraid of?
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Prisca has asked me how I felt about sending a no-contact letter to OM, and I'd like to mention here how I feel about it: I think it's a terrible idea. Really? You know better than Dr. Harley? Personally, I think you BOTH should send this POSOM a NC letter. Markos, you should let him know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he had better stay far, far away from your wife, that you know alllll about their little game and you are not tolerating it. Prisca can add her own note in there that you didn't deserve this and she deeply regrets hurting you. Then you both sign it. Additionally, I think you should expose him to any and all mutual friends. They need to be aware that he's a predator and needs to be kept far away from all married women. Why are you so against the NC letter, despite Dr. Harley's opinion on the importance of it? Maybe I'll ask Dr. Harley specifically about to clear it up, but here's my thinking on the matter. This man is a predator. He was openly flirting with many, many women. I do not know if he realized my wife was attracted to him or not, or to what degree. AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO KNOW. He can continue to try to build his Facebook flirt house, if he wants, without us. Ironically, this is the man who first told to me, explicitly, that men and women can't be friends unless married. I had come to that conclusion on my own, and he reinforced it. After his divorce ... well, he knew just what to do. I have heard Dr. Harley say that when you discover you are inordinately attracted to someone, you should tell YOUR SPOUSE, and NOT tell the person you are attracted to. I think that would be his advice in this case. Do you guys think I should ask, to be sure? Nobody's ever accused me of claiming to know better than Dr. Harley before. I'm sure I don't. And if lots of folks think something dangerous is going on here, well, let me know. We're six weeks out from D-Day, by the way.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
not to suspect that there was any kind of a problem and think that this target might be a good one to continue to pursue. He won't think that if it comes from YOU. YOU are the protector of your wife and family and this is what OM needs to know...that you are going to stand up and protect Prisca and your family at all costs. I think you are making a grave mistake in not doing this. What are you afraid of? I'm afraid he'll think "Oh, great, so she WAS interested!" I think being the slime he is he will simply continue to cavort with the numerous women posting on his Facebook page. He may not have even noticed that we disappeared six weeks ago. I will know immediately if he tries to contact either one of us. IF that happens, we will definitely take action. In that event, I am sure Prisca would be sending a no-contact letter.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I'm thinking it over and I can't even figure out how OM could contact Prisca. I think he'd have to get her email address from me. I am virtually certain that he is not addicted to her as she was to him. He's just out swinging with whatever he can find. But if I get any signs to the contrary, there will certainly be a forceful response, including a no contact letter.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
I see...so this was a one-way EA?
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
I'm afraid he'll think "Oh, great, so she WAS interested!" This is what gives me pause about sending the OM a no contact letter. Markos, was this a one sided infatuation along with a little flirting or was this an AFFAIR? A romantic relationship? Because if someone has a romantic relationship, they don't question if the other person was interested.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
He was coming on to her, but in my opinion he was also coming on to anyone else female who was posting to him. He was basically being extremely flirtatious and Prisca hung around to keep flirting. You're right, it's different from a full blown affair in that I don't know if he ever knew just how much he'd hit the target.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025 |
sounds like a private dr. harley forum question. I think your logic is sound. Why alert him that he was s problem at all and feed his ego. Probably better he just thinks he said something to tick her off and she's rejected his friendship, if he notices at all.
Mr. W
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
The cool thing is we had a joint Facebook account. So he may think I did something to tick him off.
Or, hopefully, he doesn't even notice.
I blocked him on a couple of other places where he and I had potential connections, and I don't think he has any connections to Prisca at all other than FB.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Markos, I agree with you that under these conditions, a nc letter might fuel the flame for no good reason.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
sounds like a private dr. harley forum question. I think your logic is sound. Why alert him that he was s problem at all and feed his ego. Probably better he just thinks he said something to tick her off and she's rejected his friendship, if he notices at all.
Mr. W I think Mr. W's advice is the most sound ~ ask Dr. H. I just found this on Prisca's thread: It was more than infatuation on my part. It was definitely two sided. He pursued me. I still think he needs to know Marcos is onto him and his dirty antics. I also think others need to be aware that this POSOM pursues married women.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490 |
No HARM can be done by Markos contacting him and telling him he knows and is protecting his W and family. If all forms of possible communication with Prisca have been blocked, then they're safe.
Same goes for exposure.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
MarriedForever, what I might stir up is a situation where this guy starts trying to reconcile with ME or make amends to ME. He has what I consider to be a very slippery concept of religion, and I can easily see him doing what Delta_'s family did to her, trying to force her to reconcile with her sister by telling her she had to because she is a Christian. Now obviously I would respond to that by taking more drastic measures to make sure I never hear from him again, but I'd rather not be subjected to it for what I see as so little to gain. I think harm could be done in this way and I also think harm could be done by letting him know just how much of an impact he had on Prisca. I have exposed this online-only friend to the only real mutual friend that the two of us have, someone who shared a lot of unusual mutual interests. But just to be really good and sure, I'm writing a letter to Dr. Harley about it that I hope he'll answer on the radio show.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Dear Dr. Harley and Joyce,
My wife was angry and withdrew from me in December and January, and began flirting with one of my friends on Facebook. (We had a joint Facebook account to try to protect our marriage.) My friend was divorced in the last year and brags on Facebook about his immoral lifestyle, and flirts with any woman who will post to him. My wife became very attached to this friend and developed a crush on him, and started taking measures to ensure that I would not see her conversations with him. The conversation became sexual. Facebook is blocked at my office, but I get the contents of some of our Facebook activity emailed to me. But not all of it!
In January a friend from the Marriage Builders forum started talking with my wife and convinced her to confess this relationship to me. I knew who it was even before she gave me his name because I had started to notice the familiar way he was posting to my wife. My wife feels that she has had an emotional affair. We immediately blocked my former friend on Facebook, and left Facebook and blocked the whole website from our computers shortly afterward.
It has been six weeks and we have not heard from this man. My wife is mortified by what she has done, and after an initial period of withdrawal she now says she doesn't want to see or hear from him ever again.
My question is, do we need to contact this former friend and warn him stay away from us with a "no contact letter," or would it be wiser to let him be? My wife feels that he pursued her, and I agree that he acted as a predator. (I have even warned another friend of mine.) But at the same time, this man was pursuing and acting flirtatious toward any woman who posted to him on Facebook. I do not know if he realized just how much my wife was attracted to him or not. I do not believe he would have any way to contact her other than Facebook, which we have blocked. He doesn't have her email address or phone number. I'm thinking that trying to let him know the door has been closed will only alert him to the fact that he found a vulnerable mark; silently disappearing from his life sounds wiser to me because he has plenty of other Facebook "friends" to continue to occupy his attention.
Thank you for your radio program; it has been immensely helpful to me during the last year. I believe I have listened to over a hundred hours.
"Markos"
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
297
guests, and
55
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
