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On another thread, you said:

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Self betrayal is at the core of most adultery decisions.

Why do you think adulterers self betray? What is behind that? What is the driving force? (I am talking other than weak boundaries here).

I think this is an interesting topic. Thanks for your thoughts. smile


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
On another thread, you said:

Quote
Self betrayal is at the core of most adultery decisions.

Why do you think adulterers self betray? What is behind that? What is the driving force? (I am talking other than weak boundaries here).

I think this is an interesting topic. Thanks for your thoughts. smile

This is part of what I learned from Mr Pep after his adultery recovery.
He kept saying:
"I have to get myself right with God."

I remained ~~~> skeptical

He'd say:
"Even if our marriage does not work out, I need to be right with God."
"I betrayed who I am."


I remained ~~~> skeptical

He had become a hateful creature he did not like, and could not respect.
Meanwhile, I had lost any desire to help him look for his lost self respect.
My "give a damn" regarding how he felt about himself ... got up and went.

Now, most of Mr Pep's true insight did not happen right away because he was a "dry drunk" for about 5-6 months while he was an AA beginner.

But, once his true sobriety became apparent, his words and his deeds matched.
He began to stand up for himself when he was doing the right thing & I was mean to him anyway. ~~~> Pep twoxfour <~~~ Mr Pep

I think that the average wayward is in direct violation of their own values when they are knee deep in their sin.
The average wayward knows they are breaking their own rules.
They moved their boundary far enough to assuage their conscience, but at their core, they betrayed the better part of who they are. And, they know it.

There is no way to say: "I betrayed my spouse & my family & my vows & my God .... and I feel good about it."

There would be some exceptions ~~~>a sociopath, a sex addict, or a borderline personality, etc.

But, I am talking average decent human being, not the truly mentally ill.

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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
Why do you think adulterers self betray? What is behind that? What is the driving force?

The WHY is tricky.
They lie to themselves almost from the very start.
What makes the fog-babble that we LAUGH AT on certain MB threads so incredibly universal?

Fog babble crazy is an expression of their self lies, put out there for all of us to enjoy, and laugh at.

It is not a coincidence that the waywards all use the same lines in their stupid fog babble. Fog babble is their self told lies being outwardly expressed.

Also ....
If a person has used the defense mechanism of denial for other situations, they might have a proclivity to make it their "go to" defense as the adultery opportunity presents.

Denial can be the tool wayward use to betray themselves.
Some are better at denial than others.
But, they are all in denial of certain facts somewhere along the way.
If they deny God as part of their adultery, they are usually miserable and sometimes behave worse because their pain is too great to handle. So, they lash out at someone .... usually the spouse.

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Thanks for your thoughts.

I have a hard time grasping this...I tend to over-think EVERYTHING. I think about real possibility consequences, I think about far-fetched consequences, I think about the consequences OF the consequences.

So it is very hard for me to understand lying to yourself and self-betraying but I am trying to understand, not only for my own situation but also for those here. Thanks again for your thoughts.:)


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
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No, CAG, they are not. This is somewhat of a misconception.

The emotional attachment could have been there, but the physical aspect is another step.

If you read around on enough, you will see that often times it isn't "love" or even "desire" that leads to sex in an affair.

What happens is that the AP pushes for sex, and the WS will submit because they are afraid that rejection will lead to the AP no longer meeting their ENs.

Granted, the WS has to present the opportunity for sex to happen, but most often "joyful" isn't the result. It's shock, guilt, self-loathing, and anger. This is another aspect in which the behaviors of a WS mirror that of an addict; despite the fact that their actions, their "use," is damaging to their families, their jobs, and themselves - they simply cannot stop because they are paralyzed by an irrational fear of the fantasy vaporizing.

Now, I can't through the power of magical recall, remember where I read about sex and affairs on this site, but I remember saying that, often times, that sex is not the goal of a WS, but a result of the affair.

There is a lot of self-deception involved in the entire process.

So, if you were to take Pep's "Anatomy of Adultery" thread, and add a host of sirens, alarms, and flashing lights going off in the brain of the WS between each step;

"NO, THE LAST STEP WAS FAR ENOUGH!!! GOING FURTHER IS WRONG!!!

... and then after each successive step;

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT! WHAT THE HE77 IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!"

Just like an addict, each successive "hit" takes them deeper into the abyss.

Things like "I didn't know" or "I wasn't thinking" are outward deceptions.

They know every step of the way that it is wrong - this is especially true in the early stages of adultery. By the time it becomes entrenched, the self-entitled self-deception (taker driving with the pedal to the metal) that they can't even tell themselves the truth any more.

Consider these descriptors of an addict;

- Craving
- Compulsion
- Loss of Control
- Continued use despite consequences, and
- Chronic Use

If you reflect enough up on those, they exactly fit the behavior of an active adulterer... as do the descriptors of an abuser;

failure to fulfill obligations
continued risky use
recurrent legal problems
continued use despite social or interpersonal problems

And then, when they are caught or cornered, just like an addict they tend to minimalize, rationalize, deflect.

"It was only an emotional affair."

"I wasn't happy in my marriage."

"My spouse just didn't spend enough time with me."

And these are all self-deceptions they project up on their spouse to rationalize their own harmful behavior.

Because, if they actually owned up to their actions, they would admit that what they were doing was harmful to them as well as everyone else.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I think that the average wayward is in direct violation of their own values when they are knee deep in their sin.
The average wayward knows they are breaking their own rules.
They moved their boundary far enough to assuage their conscience, but at their core, they betrayed the better part of who they are. And, they know it.

There is no way to say: "I betrayed my spouse & my family & my vows & my God .... and I feel good about it."

I'm not Pep....but she nailed it.

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Quote
Fog babble crazy is an expression of their self lies, put out there for all of us to enjoy, and laugh at.

It is not a coincidence that the waywards all use the same lines in their stupid fog babble. Fog babble is their self told lies being outwardly expressed.

I wonder WHY all fog babble is the same and universal...do those who self-betray have something in common (besides being wayward)?

Is there a thought process that is also universal...or a personality trait that is universal?

I would not say that I would never have an A since we all know now that anything is possible and that we're all wired for one.

I'm trying to understand how the allure of an A is more powerful than our own desire to NOT self-betray. My desire to not betray my own moral code and values is incredibly strong.

Where does that get shoved in order to carry on an A?


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

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For me, it wasn't a shove. it was a series of whispers, taps, nudges. As long as my frustration or desire for a stronger M was pushing me to work on the M and move closer to DH, it was fine. But once I became resentful, self-pitying, obssessed with being a victim of a "loveless M," etc. etc.....the focus was squarely on me. Then came the thoughts of "isn't this unfair? You're a normal red-blooded woman. Any other guy would be thrilled to have a wife who wanted him so much. Maybe you made a mistake. I mean, you've tried everything. You're just going to have to take charge of your own happiness." That last statement was troubling, so I changed it: "You are sucking your DH dry with all this need. You are a burden to him. You don't need to keep pushing this issue."

Then.....enter complimentary OM. And the compliments became....flirty. And the alarm went off....but it felt so nice to feel pretty (yes, I know, vomit). And besides, I wasn't really DOING anything. Just friendly banter. Just a bit of boost to the damaged self-esteem. I actually feel nicer to DH now that I feel better about myself. Then a personal conversation with OM...we admitted an attraction. My first thought after it sunk in was shame - we should have never talked about that. I need to tell DH.

But then the justification: I didn't do anything. I won't act on it. Now that I know someone somewhere finds me attractive, that is enough to make me feel better. I'll just hold onto that when things get tough. It would just hurt DH to tell him all this when I didn't even do anything.

So the "friendship" and flirting continue....and I like it more. And compared to OM, DH sure is......boring. And I'm invisible anyway. See, I stayed after school for over an hour talking to OM and DH didn't even notice. I wonder what DH is so busy doing anyway. Why, he could even be cheating, and I wouldn't know. Maybe he's using porn again...yeah! I bet he is! or even buddying up to that other male teacher at his school. You know, it IS odd that he has such a low drive....(this was perhaps the most insidious train of thought I had).

And then the opportunity to "hang out and watch a movie" at OM's house presented itself (okay, yeah, it was orchestrated). Watch a movie...riiiiight. And by that time, I just wanted to feel good. And when that voice of conviction tried to whisper....I drowned it out with resentment or speculation about DH or just really loud Pussycat Dolls music playing on my ipod (my taste in much got really raunchy).

By the time the A was over and it started to hit me what I had done......I was a person I did not even recognize, who did things she thought she'd never do, wore clothes she thought she'd never wear, said filthy words she thought she'd never say, and had friends she wouldn't have wanted to even have tea with before.

THAT is why the key is not to see how far one can go without crossing a line....but to stay as far away from any line as possible.

I can look back now and see that the first time I felt a "check" about my behavior was the first week of Nov 2004 - DH went to San Francisco, and I went to eat and to a bar with OM and a mutual friend. No adultery, no feelings of romance.......but I didn't tell DH. Because I didn't want him to know. That was step 1.

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I believe it starts with small things and eventually will lead to a hardened heart and blindness to true evil. A small lie, then beginning to hang out with people who will validate them. If a wayward refuses to admit they are wrong about the little things, it's easier to believe their own lies.

I've seen it happen over and over. Their morals truly become corrupt. They seek others with their mindset. They lash out at those who dare to speak the truth. They become deaf to the little whispers of evil around them. They get angry at righteousness. When the consequences come, they continue to deny it's their fault.

All because they started out with the little things.

Some wake up to the truth. Others never do. Even if their affair is over, they cling to their hard hearts and begin to spread their own evil.

Oldest story in the world.

Last edited by princessmeggy; 03/16/11 03:31 PM. Reason: Cause it's hard to type on an IPod!

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Originally Posted by MarriedForever
I wonder WHY all fog babble is the same and universal...do those who self-betray have something in common (besides being wayward)?

I think they (we) are all wayward in the sense that they (we) are human and prone to sin. All of us.

Quote
Is there a thought process that is also universal...or a personality trait that is universal?

I don't think there is. Not prior to adultery.
DURING adultery, and the steps leading to adultery, they are remarkable in the similarity of their rationale.

I think there are SOME personality traits that puts people at risk.
People pleasers.
Renters who have made years of lousy sacrificing.
Conflict avoiders.
I'm sure there are more.



Quote
I'm trying to understand how the allure of an A is more powerful than our own desire to NOT self-betray. My desire to not betray my own moral code and values is incredibly strong.

I'm sure yours is strong.
However, there may have been a time in your life when you were not as strong.
I know I would have been far more vulnerable if I had married younger. I was 31 when we married.

Quote
Where does that get shoved in order to carry on an A?

Aside. Shoved aside to get the dopamine infusion.
It also must be taken into consideration that the OP is actively encouraging the WS to continue down the road to perdition.

The lies that the wayward spouse tells himself are reinforced by the OP.
They will go to church together and feel "OK" about it.



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Originally Posted by princessmeggy
I've seen it happen over and over. Their morals truly become corrupt. They seek others with their mindset. They lash out at those who dare to speak the truth. They become deaf to the little whispers of evil around them. They get angry at righteousness. When the consequences come, they continue to deny it's their fault.

.... and THEN they come to MB and begin a thread and proceed to argue with us & call us names.
rotflmao

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However, there may have been a time in your life when you were not as strong.
I know I would have been far more vulnerable if I had married younger. I was 31 when we married.

We married when I was 21...ironically enough, I think I was stronger then than I was during the FR, when I was 32/33.

That is the only time during our M that my boundaries became weak. But I KNEW it and I also knew why I was doing it.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Originally Posted by HoldHerHand
Quote
No, CAG, they are not. This is somewhat of a misconception.

The emotional attachment could have been there, but the physical aspect is another step.

If you read around on enough, you will see that often times it isn't "love" or even "desire" that leads to sex in an affair.

What happens is that the AP pushes for sex, and the WS will submit because they are afraid that rejection will lead to the AP no longer meeting their ENs.

Granted, the WS has to present the opportunity for sex to happen, but most often "joyful" isn't the result. It's shock, guilt, self-loathing, and anger. This is another aspect in which the behaviors of a WS mirror that of an addict; despite the fact that their actions, their "use," is damaging to their families, their jobs, and themselves - they simply cannot stop because they are paralyzed by an irrational fear of the fantasy vaporizing.

Now, I can't through the power of magical recall, remember where I read about sex and affairs on this site, but I remember saying that, often times, that sex is not the goal of a WS, but a result of the affair.

There is a lot of self-deception involved in the entire process.

So, if you were to take Pep's "Anatomy of Adultery" thread, and add a host of sirens, alarms, and flashing lights going off in the brain of the WS between each step;

"NO, THE LAST STEP WAS FAR ENOUGH!!! GOING FURTHER IS WRONG!!!

... and then after each successive step;

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT! WHAT THE HE77 IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!"

Just like an addict, each successive "hit" takes them deeper into the abyss.

Things like "I didn't know" or "I wasn't thinking" are outward deceptions.

They know every step of the way that it is wrong - this is especially true in the early stages of adultery. By the time it becomes entrenched, the self-entitled self-deception (taker driving with the pedal to the metal) that they can't even tell themselves the truth any more.

Consider these descriptors of an addict;

- Craving
- Compulsion
- Loss of Control
- Continued use despite consequences, and
- Chronic Use

If you reflect enough up on those, they exactly fit the behavior of an active adulterer... as do the descriptors of an abuser;

failure to fulfill obligations
continued risky use
recurrent legal problems
continued use despite social or interpersonal problems

And then, when they are caught or cornered, just like an addict they tend to minimalize, rationalize, deflect.

"It was only an emotional affair."

"I wasn't happy in my marriage."

"My spouse just didn't spend enough time with me."

And these are all self-deceptions they project up on their spouse to rationalize their own harmful behavior.

Because, if they actually owned up to their actions, they would admit that what they were doing was harmful to them as well as everyone else.

Goodness gracious, this dredges up some awful times.


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Originally Posted by princessmeggy
I believe it starts with small things and eventually will lead to a hardened heart and blindness to true evil. A small lie, then beginning to hang out with people who will validate them. If a wayward refuses to admit they are wrong about the little things, it's easier to believe their own lies.

I've seen it happen over and over. Their morals truly become corrupt. They seek others with their mindset. They lash out at those who dare to speak the truth. They become deaf to the little whispers of evil around them. They get angry at righteousness. When the consequences come, they continue to deny it's their fault.

All because they started out with the little things.

Some wake up to the truth. Others never do. Even if their affair is over, they cling to their hard hearts and begin to spread their own evil.

Oldest story in the world.

Nail + hammer = head


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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by MarriedForever
I wonder WHY all fog babble is the same and universal...do those who self-betray have something in common (besides being wayward)?

I think they (we) are all wayward in the sense that they (we) are human and prone to sin. All of us.

Quote
Is there a thought process that is also universal...or a personality trait that is universal?

I don't think there is. Not prior to adultery.
DURING adultery, and the steps leading to adultery, they are remarkable in the similarity of their rationale.

I think there are SOME personality traits that puts people at risk.
People pleasers.
Renters who have made years of lousy sacrificing.
Conflict avoiders.
I'm sure there are more.



Quote
I'm trying to understand how the allure of an A is more powerful than our own desire to NOT self-betray. My desire to not betray my own moral code and values is incredibly strong.

I'm sure yours is strong.
However, there may have been a time in your life when you were not as strong.
I know I would have been far more vulnerable if I had married younger. I was 31 when we married.

Quote
Where does that get shoved in order to carry on an A?

Aside. Shoved aside to get the dopamine infusion.
It also must be taken into consideration that the OP is actively encouraging the WS to continue down the road to perdition.

The lies that the wayward spouse tells himself are reinforced by the OP.
They will go to church together and feel "OK" about it.

She's good.



Clearly, I am late to this party and am much in agreement w/ y'all. smile

Last edited by Mrs_Vanilla; 03/16/11 07:03 PM. Reason: lost mah preposition

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by princessmeggy
I've seen it happen over and over. Their morals truly become corrupt. They seek others with their mindset. They lash out at those who dare to speak the truth. They become deaf to the little whispers of evil around them. They get angry at righteousness. When the consequences come, they continue to deny it's their fault.

.... and THEN they come to MB and begin a thread and proceed to argue with us & call us names.
rotflmao

True!


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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by Tawandabelle
For me, it wasn't a shove. it was a series of whispers, taps, nudges. As long as my frustration or desire for a stronger M was pushing me to work on the M and move closer to DH, it was fine. But once I became resentful, self-pitying, obssessed with being a victim of a "loveless M," etc. etc.....the focus was squarely on me. Then came the thoughts of "isn't this unfair? You're a normal red-blooded woman. Any other guy would be thrilled to have a wife who wanted him so much. Maybe you made a mistake. I mean, you've tried everything. You're just going to have to take charge of your own happiness." That last statement was troubling, so I changed it: "You are sucking your DH dry with all this need. You are a burden to him. You don't need to keep pushing this issue."

Then.....enter complimentary OM. And the compliments became....flirty. And the alarm went off....but it felt so nice to feel pretty (yes, I know, vomit). And besides, I wasn't really DOING anything. Just friendly banter. Just a bit of boost to the damaged self-esteem. I actually feel nicer to DH now that I feel better about myself. Then a personal conversation with OM...we admitted an attraction. My first thought after it sunk in was shame - we should have never talked about that. I need to tell DH.

But then the justification: I didn't do anything. I won't act on it. Now that I know someone somewhere finds me attractive, that is enough to make me feel better. I'll just hold onto that when things get tough. It would just hurt DH to tell him all this when I didn't even do anything.

So the "friendship" and flirting continue....and I like it more. And compared to OM, DH sure is......boring. And I'm invisible anyway. See, I stayed after school for over an hour talking to OM and DH didn't even notice. I wonder what DH is so busy doing anyway. Why, he could even be cheating, and I wouldn't know. Maybe he's using porn again...yeah! I bet he is! or even buddying up to that other male teacher at his school. You know, it IS odd that he has such a low drive....(this was perhaps the most insidious train of thought I had).

And then the opportunity to "hang out and watch a movie" at OM's house presented itself (okay, yeah, it was orchestrated). Watch a movie...riiiiight. And by that time, I just wanted to feel good. And when that voice of conviction tried to whisper....I drowned it out with resentment or speculation about DH or just really loud Pussycat Dolls music playing on my ipod (my taste in much got really raunchy).

By the time the A was over and it started to hit me what I had done......I was a person I did not even recognize, who did things she thought she'd never do, wore clothes she thought she'd never wear, said filthy words she thought she'd never say, and had friends she wouldn't have wanted to even have tea with before.

THAT is why the key is not to see how far one can go without crossing a line....but to stay as far away from any line as possible.

I can look back now and see that the first time I felt a "check" about my behavior was the first week of Nov 2004 - DH went to San Francisco, and I went to eat and to a bar with OM and a mutual friend. No adultery, no feelings of romance.......but I didn't tell DH. Because I didn't want him to know. That was step 1.


Hey, TB - thanks for the open and candid honesty on that.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

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Originally Posted by Tawandabelle
but I didn't tell DH. Because I didn't want him to know. That was step 1.

Any venture that begins with falsehood (lie of omission) is a fool's journey.


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I just want to say thanks for being here Pep. You have so much wisdom and the way you present it just seems to click with us males that use so much of the logical part of our brain.

You are very good at 'spoon feeding'. It's an art and you are like Picasso. Keep on painting Pep! The pictures are amazing!

I'm always learning something when reading your threads.

The board is blessed to have you!

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Originally Posted by Tawandabelle
...But once I became resentful, self-pitying, obssessed with being a victim of a "loveless M," etc. etc.....the focus was squarely on me. Then came the thoughts of "isn't this unfair? You're a normal red-blooded woman. Any other guy would be thrilled to have a wife who wanted him so much. Maybe you made a mistake. I mean, you've tried everything. You're just going to have to take charge of your own happiness." That last statement was troubling, so I changed it: "You are sucking your DH dry with all this need. You are a burden to him. You don't need to keep pushing this issue."

I know it's been said on this forum so many times...but A's are not unique, one person's A is not somehow "different" from others. I had the same thoughts. I was bitter, resentful. I could not understand why my H would physically push me away when I tried to initiate intimacy. Walk away from me when I was talking. Etc. I felt like I had tried everything - obviously, I hadn't, as I've learned more about having a good, healthy M since my A ended than I'd learned in my whole life. But yes, I became resentful and bitter. And gradually, the OM began to echo the thoughts in my head, that any man would be lucky to have me, he must be crazy not to want me...and I felt validated and listened to. Yeah. Vomit.

Originally Posted by Tawandabelle
Then.....enter complimentary OM. And the compliments became....flirty. And the alarm went off....but it felt so nice to feel pretty (yes, I know, vomit). And besides, I wasn't really DOING anything. Just friendly banter. Just a bit of boost to the damaged self-esteem. I actually feel nicer to DH now that I feel better about myself. Then a personal conversation with OM...we admitted an attraction. My first thought after it sunk in was shame - we should have never talked about that. I need to tell DH.

But then the justification: I didn't do anything. I won't act on it. Now that I know someone somewhere finds me attractive, that is enough to make me feel better. I'll just hold onto that when things get tough. It would just hurt DH to tell him all this when I didn't even do anything.

Ironic that when we're sunk in the depths of the A, how we tell ourselves we feel "better" about ourselves, that our self-esteem is so great. Suddenly we feel appreciated, and for what? Some shallow words that are thrown at us? From someone who doesn't truly know who we are, to the depths of our soul. I know I certainly didn't present the "real me" to the POSOM. Our "history" together was a joke...a few months of teenage lust, yet I fooled myself into thinking that it was more important than the history I had with my BH...the experiences we had together, the losses and triumphs, the sadness and the joy. I glossed over all the richness of the life I had with my BH and focused on the negative - all the little accumulated resentments that I'd allowed to fester, rather than been honest about.

Originally Posted by Tawandabelle
So the "friendship" and flirting continue....and I like it more. And compared to OM, DH sure is......boring. And I'm invisible anyway. See, I stayed after school for over an hour talking to OM and DH didn't even notice. I wonder what DH is so busy doing anyway. Why, he could even be cheating, and I wouldn't know. Maybe he's using porn again...yeah! I bet he is! or even buddying up to that other male teacher at his school. You know, it IS odd that he has such a low drive....(this was perhaps the most insidious train of thought I had).

Yeah - POSOM tried to make me believe that my BH was having an A, that was why he didn't want me. And I too felt "invisible" to my H. Unimportant and ignored. You tell yourself so many lies to justify what you are doing that you don't even recognize yourself anymore. You're already lost in the fog.

Originally Posted by Tawandabelle
And then the opportunity to "hang out and watch a movie" at OM's house presented itself (okay, yeah, it was orchestrated). Watch a movie...riiiiight. And by that time, I just wanted to feel good. And when that voice of conviction tried to whisper....I drowned it out with resentment or speculation about DH or just really loud Pussycat Dolls music playing on my ipod (my taste in much got really raunchy).

Mine was an invitation to lunch at his house. Yeah. And it was like watching a train wreck unfold before your eyes...I can't help but think how many opportunities I had to stop the train wreck, but I didn't. I didn't stop.

Originally Posted by Tawandabelle
By the time the A was over and it started to hit me what I had done......I was a person I did not even recognize, who did things she thought she'd never do, wore clothes she thought she'd never wear, said filthy words she thought she'd never say, and had friends she wouldn't have wanted to even have tea with before.

I hate what I did. I hate the person I became. Not only had I become someone my BH never thought I'd become, I became someone I never thought I'd be, either. And that person I became is what my BH cannot see past when he looks at me.

I know where the lines are now. I know to stay far, far away from them. If my M ends, as it seems destined to, I will at least use the bitter knowledge I've learned to maintain boundaries for my own protection.

Thank you, TB.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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