If he calls, don't answer the phone and don't listen to his voicemails. You didn't have to call him back at all. Just don't answer the door if he comes over.

If he tries to get through, then have your Im contact him and tell him that his message didn't get through to you and to pass all messages through to you.

JG, it is real important that you do what you said and cut off all contact or he will know you are not serious. You cannot afford to lose your credibility with a wayward ALCOHOLIC.

He will not like losing control over you so you can expect him to do his best to TEST YOU to see if you really mean it. You MUST pass that test and show him you mean it.

You don't need to call him back. There is no such thing as being forced to respond. You just don't. If he were to come by...you do not answer the door and or if he comes and lets himself in....ask him to leave
"You need to leave. I am in such emotional pain. Respect my wishes" and then change locks as soon a possible to keep him from ever doing it again.
Phone wise....you ignore all messages that don't go through your designated intermediary.
If the child does not want to talk on the phone you tell child it is her way to communicate with Dad for now and if she will not do it....have intermediary tell him that child is not willing to talk on phone but intermediary will be able to arrange visits for him with his child.
YK?

Do not react to things now in plan B. Remove your spirit from the drama. If forced to be around him cause he ignores your boundaries....do not lovebust but be firm that his affair will need to end to have any contact with you. Period.

Change the locks!

Let it go to voice mail.

The locks are not changed but I have all of his keys and the garage door opener. So, he just left me a something like 5 minute voicemail stating my plan B letter to him really hit home, he is willing to give up the OW, he is very sorry, and is willing do whatever it takes to get this marriage back. I have not responded yet.

So, I guess I am wondering how one knows if this is really genuine or if he is just playing me? I wonder if OW is kicking him out so he is just out of a free place to stay? If he is genuinely willing to end contact with OW not to mention get sober, then what? His message states he is willing to do anything to get his family back. He obviously needs to get his alcohol addiction under control before much of anything else can happen.

Take it slow and easy. You can expect a WS to promise every thing to get you back under control. Call him up and ask him what his plan is for recovery from his alcoholism. I would expect him to get some sobriety under his belt first before I would even think about it. And what is his plan to STAY sober? Has he joined AA? Does he have a sponsor?

Unless there is a verifiable plan here, there is nothing here.


Being genuinely "willing" is not the same as DOING. This is a classic alcoholic TRICK to get you off their backs. Being willing is not the same as DOING. He must end his affair and enter a program of recovery FIRST.

I seriously doubt he is serious at all, he just wants to get it back where you are under control. Take it slow and don't agree to anything unless and until he PROVES to you over a period of time that he is done with his affair and is serious about alcohol recovery. I wager he won't be sober through the weekend. He just wants to come home.

Would it be better if her IM contacted him to ask for details of his plan? I thought part of Plan B was to have NC.

I ended up sending a short reply to his text reminding him of the 2 things he needs to do 1) end all contact with OW and 2) get sober and asked for details on his sobriety plan. No response to the text but his lawyer responded to my lawyer that they are researching possible other inpatient options plus he had been accepted into an outpatient program. So, a little progress has been made but actions speak louder than words.

Plan B is ongoing, I hope it gets easier. Every day I fight the urge to contact him but I don't. He sometimes calls to talk with the kids and saw them briefly this weekend but other than that, no new developments. He supposedly has not drank since getting out of detox and may be starting an outpatient program next week, at least he has an appointment. Most of my info comes through lawyers or mutual friends he is still talking to. He is still staying with OW but that is my fault according to him as I got a court order to get him out of the house. Oh, and since he lost his job he can't afford to stay someplace else. UGH...

You've just got to marvel at the sense of entitlement and martyrdom waywards possess, don't you? It's never THEIR fault that the world has caved in on them because they chose to go outside the marriage! Talk about amazing.

FJG, I haven't posted to your thread before, but being one who steadfastly believes in a Tupperware-tight Plan B, I just wanted to encourage you to keep it up. In fact, I'd go so far as to tell your friends that you'd rather not hear about his ongoing activities. There should really be one -- and only one -- intermediary to pass important (e.g. childrens' issues) information between you.

ITA with Fred. As I was reading what you posted, I was thinking, "this isn't a dark Plan B."

You shouldn't know that your WH isn't drinking, that he is blaming you for where he is living, none of it.

BTW, when he visited with the children, where did that take place?

X3. One of the main benefits of Plan B is to remove the betrayed from the crazy drama of the wayward's activities.

When your friends begin to tell you what your wayward is up to, stop them. Let them know that you have no desire to hear anything about him.

And my WS's activities are even more drama filled due to the alcoholism and my constant worry that he is dead on the side of the road. You are all right, and I will stop people from telling me what is going on with him. He clearly knows what he needs to do and actions speak louder than words at this point. I am pissed at myself I let myself live in denial for as long as I did. I should have Plan B'd a year and a half ago!

Question though, even after I exposed to EVERYONE I could think of (work, his family members and any and all friends) he continues to deny his relationship with OW is more than just a "friendship". Is this normal? Why would he just admit it now?

Oh, and OW stuck to the same story, they are just "friends" when asked by my SIL and also when she met with HR. What is the point of continual denial especially when he is staying with her?

Because they want to maintain some kind of 'integrity'. Go figure. It's a wayward thing, and waywards are good at lying and gaslighting.

OW is a single mom but I do have her parents' names & address-I did not expose to them. Shall I do a late exposure to them?
I am having doubts these days I will have the patience to ride out this storm. Most of my friends think I am crazy for even considering trying to repair my marriage.

Its ok. No one needs the admission of a liar to know the truth. No one with any sense believes him.

Have you checked into Alanon meetings, FJG?

And you are doing great by not letting him through!! Keep that up and you will feel better and better with every passing day.

Have you ever heard the song "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy? If you were to catch him in bed with her, he would likely say it wasn't me. Waywards repeat the lie so many times, it usually becomes their "truth." There is no logic as to why they continue to lie, even when they are with their AP. They just lie.