I got yet another letter from my attorney today. My deposition will be next Monday--the first day of my spring break from school. WH's is scheduled for the same time, same place.

I guess one of us will be in the waiting room while the other is on the hot seat.

We'll both be deposed over our estimated monthly expenses; additionally, WH will be deposed over his answers to his interrogatories. He may be coming back all week...

PrincessMeggy--I hope you see this. Did WH's lawyer make an error by deposing me before I've finished my interrogatories? My lawyer says she has, but he didn't explain why it was an error. I'm puzzled.

Scotty: ALERT!!!

My toenails are now BLUE!!!

And I'm wearing sandals to work tomorrow. My students, especially the girls, are going to go nuts!

And, almost forgot, Scotty, are you wearing the GREEN today?

Just remember in deposition, the PURPOSE of it is to scare you into settling before court...I know, did this. They did a FOUR hour deposition on me and I did nothing.

Tell your attny to object or stop them if any line of questioning is incorrect or is badgering you.

I am not trying to scare you, but make your WH go FIRST. And have YOUR attny put HIM ON THE HOTTEST SEAT NEXT TO THE ONE IN HELL he'll sit permanently in for eternity if he continues down this shameful path.

Make the Wayward go first and have your attny. fry the man!!!

You can make him cave earlier and possibly settle in your favor if your attny shows him the kind of hell you're bringing. I'm talking about the kinda hell like Mel's hell clip!!!

MAKE him go first. This time, the lady goes last, and the ONLY time!!! It's called stra-te-ge-ry.

Okay, Peachy, I'll do that. I was going to email my attorney today anyway to tell him that I don't have all of the receipts for books I've purchased in the past. My WH's attorney wants to question me about that estimated monthly expense.

My attorney has already indicated that he's going for WH's blood. WH is underestimating his salary by tens of thousands and his estimated monthly expenses are a joke.

What a fun way to spend my spring break....

I'm not your attorney but I suspect he said it was an error because now they can't impeach (nail) you on your interrogatory answers in deposition. Next time, ask your attorney to explain right then. He should be willing to do that.

Example only:

Q: Didn't you testify in your SWORN interrogatory answers that you graduated from The ABC School?

Without rog answers:

Q: I understand you graduated from The ABC School. Is that correct?

It's not that big of an error though because they can always try and impeach your testimony at trial with your deposition testimony.

If the deposition has already been noticed, the other side will have to be willing to switch the order of the testimony. It's not up to her attorney. Just sayin'.

Thanks for answering my question, Princessmeggy. I wanted to ask my attorney but the conversation took a turn and I didn't get the opportunity.

I didn't contact the attorney today; his assistant called me to see if I would agree to mediation next Friday. It may not accomplish anything, but my attorney seems to have traded the place and time of the depositions (now his office, half-an-hour later than WH's attorney proposed) for my agreement to meet for mediation. Is there nothing that attorneys will do without what seems like one-up-man-ship or negotiations? It seems like a pi$$ing contest.....

I had to work last night until 1130. I wore a whacked green and white hat, had a necklace that read, "Happy St. Patrick's Day" and I had green finger nails. They are still green.

Keep taking care of yourself girly. We're all pulling for you.

Okay, that sounds better, and way less costly. Remember at mediation, stay cool and listen to their offer. Don't get mad or upset, it's a method to resolve the case without litigation. Listen to your attorney but if you're not comfortable with an offer, say so.

It sounds as if the attorneys are trying to get this case settled before they start incurring huge attorneys fees for their clients (i.e. depos, more discovery, trial prep, etc.)

Exactly. My x actually walked out of mediation, because the mediator (the neutral party) suggested a reasonable divison of our assets, and to his wayward mind, it wasn't acceptable.

You do not have to agree to anything. Nope. And be FIRM with your attny about what is acceptable as far as a settlement goes.

The courts always try to push for mediation before a court date. It's in their best interests. You just have your attny stand firm, and you stand firm. After all, it is now about you and your children and moving forward.

Possibly, the x is scared about mediation, and that's good. He knows what he is up against (the truth), and if in any reason mediation should fail, you make sure your attny knows and is clear that if a deposition occurs, you have the attny push for the deposition to be the WAYWARD first.

Make sure too, that there is a level of heat put upon the WH at the mediation too. He has to be made to think that a trial is going to go so badly for him, that he has to settle with you now, and settle well, considering his actions.

That was the path my lawyer took. And I didn't ask for anything crazy either, just a reasonable amount. But do not be surprised if your WS isn't open to doing something reasonable during mediation b/c he is simply a wayward and they are perpetually in "memememememe" mode 24/7/365, or until they are no longer wayward.

Be cool. Be calm. Let NOTHING upset you. Look fabulous, but wear little jewelry (what my attny told me). You want a good settlement, and you also want the x to see you at the little bit of time the plan B is not in force, to see what he's losing. (did it and felt amazing btw!)

This is about using your 'noggin right now. Let emotions come later. Praying for you

Princessmeggy, going to mediation to end the marriage more quickly and to save money are contrary to the wishes I expressed to my attorney. We're taking this divorce slowly and without concern about the cost. I want it to drag out for a year or more.

I think this mediation is solely concerned with temporary spousal support. I do not want to get to the point of a MDA (marital dissolution agreement) which would hasten the divorce. Nope. Not gonna make it easy for WH. Not gonna give Dumpy her fantasy of a quick dissolution.

Peachy, my WH is crying poor but he has the ability to earn much more than he has earned so far this year. He's deliberately ducking overtime so that his check is lower. I don't think a judge will like that, so that's why his lawyer is gung-ho for mediation.

Too bad--I'm going for all that I can get. All while smiling pleasantly and not getting upset.

It was an emotionally exhausting day that I don't really have the fortitude to dissect right now. Everything has been put on hold for 3 months.

I would like to ask for everyone's prayers. Please pray for understanding and acceptance and a brighter future for me and my DS. Please pray that my WH wakes up or breaks up with her.

Just keep praying.

Thanks.

Sorry you had such a rough day; you have have my prayers.
{{{H&G}}}
hang in there

You have my prayers as well.

It went well in some aspects and in others it didn't go well. I still haven't processed all that happened but here are some highlights:

Neither attorney would agree to meet at the other's office; we ended up back at the courthouse in a lawyers' conference room.

His attorney wasn't attacking toward me. She turned on the folksy charm, but I didn't succumb to it. I was really centered and focused in my answers.

Well, I was clear and focused on the monetary questions but I lost it and started crying when she asked me if I wanted this divorce. I stated, through my tears, that I absolutely do not want to get a divorce. She wasn't prepared for that answer! She then asked me why I had filed (???) and I told her I had been compelled to answer and file my own suit when my WH sued me for divorce first. You'd think she would have known that...

I think my emotional reaction made WH's lawyer wary that I would be a powerful witness for the judge to determine that I've been truly wronged by WH. It will give me more of the assets, more spousal support, etc.

At that point WH was asked to leave the room. She asked about the problems in our marriage; I cited my mother's health and my school work and the fact that he had felt neglected. I also told her that no marriage is perfect. She asked me about the counseling for depression and if my doctor was doing anything to help me prevent further weight loss.

Then she asked the strangest question of the day. She wanted to know if trust would be too difficult to ever allow me to reconcile with him. Why would she ask that? I suspect it's something he stated to her about reconciling with me--that I would never trust him again. I told her that with openness and honesty I thought we could recover our marriage.

During one of the many times our lawyers were conferring, WH and I were waiting together in the foyer. I asked him if this was still what he wanted. He had a pained look in his eyes and answered yes. I told him that it's still not what I want. Later we met again, during another lawyer conference, and I told him that I had spoken to his father for over an hour last night. His father said that he had always understood that, no matter what, his place was with his family. He doesn't understand why WH doesn't believe that. WH had nothing to say when I told him that.

I told WH that I didn't understand him. His children will never accept what he's doing and will never meet her. His parents will never welcome her to their house. They will never accept her in my place. More pained looks from WH.

I asked him if he would agree to a legal separation. He said no, that it would only postpone the inevitable. We had begun our conversations with warmth, but he was absolutely cold about this. I asked him when I would get anything that I wanted from life. I didn't want him to lie or cheat, but he chose to do so. I said I didn't want him to move out, but he did so. I said I didn't want a divorce, but he has chosen to sue for one. When, I said, will I get a choice in my life? His lawyer even proposed LS and he refused.

I later apologized for being attacking. I told him that I am still trying to save our marriage.

The final upshot--everything is being delayed for 3 months. My attorney says they are scared to death that I will get alimony for life and half of his retirement. WH proposed I get the house, all savings, etc. but none of his retirement.

I will not agree to that. I will also not agree to any mediation, although that may be ordered by the court. I want to offer him these two options: legal separation or court trial with her called as a witness. Sort of a Hobson�s choice for him.

The most upsetting part of yesterday was the fact that I harbored hopes that he would agree to a legal separation and/or to reconciliation.

I know. It was pretty foolish of me.

He merely proved that he�s still very deeply fogged. And now I wonder if it will ever end.

The game will begin a new season in 3 months. This was bargained back and forth--he will pay me a mere $400 more per month that he has been for letting it rest for a while. I will accept that money for the additional 3 months. Did I mention that he said divorce was inevitable?

Buckle your seatbelts, it�s going to be a bumpy ride!

Does anyone see anything positive about this? Anyone? Bueller?

Positives.

WH checked out of the marriage and could, concievably check back in.

Bottom line.....the affair has to die a natural death.

Just stay out of the fray....tend to your family and yourself and see how you feel if WH ever comes back to find you and to rebuild.

Repeat.

Stay out of the fray. Just refocus to yourself. I know you miss him, want it resolved soon....just keep refocusing back to you. You. You.

Reading, thanks for your positive comments. I'll sit back and pray and reflect and try to be focused on myself. It's just not so easy right now.

H&G, your WH has to protect and defend his decision to abandon his family and take up with the homewrecker. It HAS to be the right thing to do and there HAS to be No Hope Of Reconciliation. That way, he's just bravely following the only course open to him, poor little guy that he is - even if he doesn't really want it.

But if he's doing something very wrong and if there *is* hope of reconciling, then he's just a jerk and cheater who abandoned his family and took up with a homewrecker. He'll never admit to that - even if he really would like to.

He's caught between a rock and a hard place but he's the one who put himself there.

That's why it all has to be somebody else's fault (like the BS). No WS will ever blame himself/herself - not as long as they are actively wayward.

There's a thread over on the Divorcing board called "getting past the pain?" that talks about this:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2490893#Post2490893

Hang in there. Some things he can only figure out for himself.

Hope, it sounds as if you handled this as well as you could under the circumstances. Good that it has been put on hold for three months, but what was the reason for it? From a legal standpoint I'm really surprised that they did this but I'm glad for you.

BTW, I wasn't suggesting mediation to speed up the process, I was just telling you the reason for mediation from the attorneys and the Judge's perspective.

Good for you for sticking to your guns about no more mediation. Even if the Judge does order it, doesn't mean that you have to cave to their proposals. Your position of taking this all the way to trial is great and I hope you can stick to it. It could get expensive though. Has a jury trial or bench trial been requested?

Now for some reality. Your husband will get his divorce if that's what he wants. No court is going to order him to stay married. If you feel you're strong enough to drag it out further, then go for it. However, as you saw in the mediation, this is going to continue to drain you emotionally. Be careful about your interactions with WH because you don't want to lose whatever love you still hold for him.

I've forgotten, are you in Plan B?

Thanks, Mulan. I do sense that WH has put himself in a no-win situation. It's an impossible situation for me too because there's nothing I can do about it. And I so very much want to do something, anything to save my marriage.