For example, if a healthcare provider or ancillary staff decides out of the blue, to access a friend or neighbors' medical history or personal information, there ARE precautions in place to monitor who sees what and there are eyes and a huge IT department where I work who verify stuff like that.

If she does that, or attempts to tamper with medical billing, that is fraud. Tampering or illegally accessing a medical file to gain personal information on her affair partner, or to disturb the wife of her affair partner is the hipaa violation and both imho, are grounds for termination.

well, she claims she went about it the "right" and "legal" way...she said she put us through the low income family program to get us the discount...

ok...i have some questions after a weekend full of more trickle truth.

i thought i knew it all. i thought he had come clean with everything.

i decided to take a gander through his phone (which i have been doing daily-since december 4th...d-day of EA). i look back through deleted items and such and long story short, come across a secret email account he had with her. i decided to look it up and it was closed. this made me happy. but i still felt like i didn't know quite the whole truth.

i told him i found out about it and i was able to recover it, so before i read the emails, i needed him to come clean and tell me of what i am about to read. i was giving him the chance to tell me first.

so, a few more things came out...weekends i thought he was on business, he was out of town with her, etc.

i also found out that when i thought there had been absolutely no contact...there has been a few emails...according to him. i found out on december 4th. i thought he had written her a NC email and that there had been no contact since then. apparently, he said that the first two weeks were rough. they continued to email...he said not consistently, but every few days. just talking about how much it sucks that they got caught, how they missed each other, etc. he said after a few weeks, he knew he wanted to be with me and that he stopped contact.

then, d-day of the PA-jan 4th. apparently there were 3-4 emails exchanged a, nd he told her he confessed everything, i was devastated and things were really bad at home. she wrote back and said she was so sorry and if he needed anything she was there for him. he said he never checked the email again.

he said about a week ago he decided he better close the account all together. because he was absolutely done. he said in these last 3 weeks he hadn't checked it at all and when he opened it back up to close it down the other day, there were about 10 emails from her. she had been emailing every other day or so for the last few weeks. he claims he didn't read them and he shut down the account. (he shut down the account without me even knowing).

so i guess my questions are these...how can i absolutely verify contact is done?! she is blocked from his cell phone, their secret account is closed, she is blocked from all his other email accounts... is there anything else i can ask him, check on, look into, etc.? i am just absolutely terrified of forgiving, working through this, giving my all to him and this marriage again, only to find out he is still talking to her...

How about asking him to take a polygraph?

i could, and find out if he has been talking to her...but that's not something that can stop him from talking to her in the future, ya know? and i certainly can't afford to be polygraphing him every month.

i couldnt take it anymore. i wrote the other woman a letter. she was continuing to contact my husband. her and her husband phoned me yesterday. talked for 2 hours. i am even more broken than before. more light was shed on the situation and hearing her voice, listening to her words...broke me down so badly. she was not remorseful at all. she rubbed salt in the wound every chance she got. my husband is so angry he doesnt know what to do. i am so exhausted emotionally and physically. i might just throw in the towel. i cant do this for the rest of my life.

someone please help. talk to me. im shattered.

let me clarify...my husband was not contacting her. i was still checking his "secret" email he had with her (he didnt know i found out about it) and she was trying to get him back in every way. he stopped checking the email and responding to emails in december.

How was she able to contact your H? What was your conversation with OW and her H about?

read my above post about their contact...

she pretty much wanted to know what else i wanted or needed from her so i could move on and not contact her again. she said my email made the crap hit the fan in her house, when her and her husband her mending things (which is crap, cuz she was still emailing my husband begging for him back).

she told me side of the story. that she was in love with my husband but is over him now and he is dead to her. she apologized and said this was the biggest regret of her life, but it wasnt convincing AT ALL.

her husband had a few questions for me...wanted to know if our stories matched or if there was anything else he didnt know.

she rubbed salt in the wound a few times by telling me how romantic and passionate my husband was with her. how intense their lovemaking was. how they had a connection he said he had never had with me...she hurt me beyond words.

ICK! Lily, don't allow that skankho to upset you! Can you imagine how bad her BH must feel to have to hear that trash coming out of her mouth? Waywards have no conception of the damage that they do.

Remember that: she is a trashy piece of scum who does not have the right to be on the same planet with you!

Lily, you've got to get NC/EPs firmly in place. This means changing phone #s and close down the old email address. Close all loopholes so that she can't get through. And if she still finds a way and makes ONE more contact, get a restraining order placed on her.

Lily2009,
That low life woman had no right to interfere in your marriage.....she is the one that should be hurting not you........don't give her any power, all you can do is feel sorry for someone like her, always blaming someone else, taking what is not theirs, being selfish and narcistic . You doesn't even deserve to carry you gym shoes to the game............who makes her anybody anyway...........

(((lily)))

We have all been there...we know exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling...you are among good company here.

You WILL get through this, I know it doesn't feel that way now...your M can be better and stronger than ever but you need a PLAN. Recovering from an A has a very narrow path.

Will your H post here? We can help and encourage him as well. You both need to start using the MB concepts in your M. It is your best bet for fully recovering from this.

(((lily)))

can you help me with a plan? what do i do and where do i start?

we have been in therapy since dday in december...been spending qt together, etc....

Sure...your best bet is to STOP with the MCing. We went to three different MCs and they were all a complete waste of time and money.

It would be better to spend that money on books from this website. Go to the top of the page and click on Bookstore. Order these books:

*Surviving An Affair
*His Needs, Her Needs
*Lovebusters

Read all of these books, beginning with SAA. While you are waiting for your books, both you and your H should start familiarizing yourselves with this site and the concepts. You can begin by reading the Basic Concepts.

You can IMMEDIATELY begin instituting the POUA (Policy of Undivided Attention ~ spending 15-20 hours/week alone together ~ after the kids are in bed counts ) where you meet each other's ENs of:

*Conversation
*Recreational Companionship
*Affection
*SF (Sexual Fulfillment)

That should get you started. Can you ask your H to come here and post too? We can work with him on writing out and living by EPs (Extraordinary Precautions) so that you can start feeling more comfortable and so that he can begin making amends.

Stay here and post, ask questions...start learning the MB concepts so you can begin recovering your M. Lots of us have done it, you can too...but you must ACT and use a plan. This is the best plan I've seen for recovering a M.

thank you so much. i really appreciate it.

you know, one of the hardest things i am struggling with is what the ow thinks. i know this is ridiculous and i know it sounds like the last thing that should be on my mind right now. but i just feel so incredibly humiliated and vulnerable. this woman knows EVERYTHING about my marriage, sex life with my husband, etc.

he voiced every frustration to her. he fell in love with her. he chose to be with her (at that time) over me and the kids. he lied to me to be with her...all of this she knows and i just wonder...she must think he could care less about me. she must think i am his last priority and he cant possibly love me if he was doing something like that to me.

when we were on the phone she kept telling me there was more that my husband wasnt telling me but she wasnt going to be that person to devastate me even more. this got my mind wandering. my husband says she is full of crap and trying to rub salt in my wound and he has told me everything there is to tell.

my husband and i are having some financial struggles and he expressed this to her. he also expressed if he were to ever leave me it would leave him financially strapped. i feel like she must think that he is only staying with me because of money and the kids. that if he could, he would leave and be with her.

i know my mind is just running wild, but i just wish she knew everything my husband is expressing now. i wish she knew how much he regrets everything he did with her. i wish she knew how much he really does want to make this marriage work. i wish she knew how much he hates her now and how easy she made things for him...i could go on and on.

i dream of a day when my husband and i are in a good place again and we are out and about holding hands/smiling/looking ever-so-in love and she spots us. i know it sounds juvenile...

oh and i dont know that i could get my husband to post here...i can try.

but everything i bring to him from this site he is 110% open to using. he is just not big on "talking about our problems with internet strangers". he's weird like that.

what are the list of extraordinary precautions? we could definitely benefit from getting that in place...it would certainly make me feel a heck of a lot more comfortable...

Lilly,
I think what you are feeling is pretty normal in the recovery process....I think people capable of affairs are capable of being very self serving, of course the OW is going to talk to you like that she wants you to believe she actually meant something, but you know what if your husband really thought she was the better choice he would be there right now.......
Why we give them so much power I will never know........I think they feel very insecure about the whole thing, it's the only way they can cope with getting dumped and just being the OW, worthless in the bigger picture of life......
My advice would be to not give her any more power over you, she isn't worth a minute of your time, your time should be spent on you and your family and marriage........my therapist says to "trust until" it takes awhile, just do what is right and good for you and your husband and sooner or later you will have that in love relationship and when she walks by the two of you won't even notice her......
The best revenge is to make that life better than it was before her.......pay attention only to your husband's actions................
looking good lily hang on to that.

All waywards make up lies about why they can't leave the BS to be the AP, and it's usually the same lie ~ they aren't very creative, LOL.


Every BS wishes this. Instead of focusing on how you wish this was the case, focus on how funny it is that the OW was stupid enough to BUY all of his lies. Think about how gullible she is and how your H obviously had even less respect for her than he had for you ~ he lied to her, used her (as someone uses a prostitute, except she didn't even get paid for putting out) and then scraped her off the bottom of his shoe like dog cr*p.

Trust me, it's obvious to her that she meant nothing to him ~ he is with you now, trying to repair your marriage, even though it's going to be an uphill battle. YOU are worth it to him, she is not.

And why do you think she was so cruel to you? Because deep down she KNOWS all of this ~ she knows she is nothing compared to you.