Writer, this is exactly what happened to my BIL. I think I've told you this before. He was convicted of sexual assault of his daughter (his attorney at the time advised him to plead) because it was in the midst of a nasty divorce and things were insane. He regretted it from day one.

Much later, his daughter recanted her testimony and even admitted that her mom bribed her. After 10 years, he was finally able to even get his name expunged from the sex offender registry-- nationally and locally.

However, once he was convicted initially, the damage was done. He had to go to SO counseling for 10 years! Part of that counseling was to admit to something he hadn't done or be reported as non-compliant. He was terrified of having his probation revoked.

It nearly destroyed him financially and definitely has crippled him emotionally. He said it made him sick to even be grouped with men who had actually done the crime. He showed us some of the materials they had to study and it was disgusting. It's all about reprogramming IMO. His group leader was a WOMAN! Figure that one out.

I can't imagine a teenager having to deal with this. There is something terribly wrong when it comes to the sex offender programs. It needs to be fixed for sure.

I have no idea what to tell your son to encourage him. You know him best and I have no doubt that you'll protect him the best you can cause you're a good mom. I know it had to enrage you as a mom, and it suxs to have to be strong when you feel so helpless.

Perhaps you could start some sort of writing campaign to get the laws changed. I dunno, you're a writer. Maybe there's a higher purpose for that.

(((Writer)))

Hello Ms. Writer,

Has been awhile and I hope that you guys are doing as well as can be with the house situation. Saw your response to cemar *s* and I created a topic in response to him because it didn't look like you could reply on that thread. I did see your posting of last week about your son's situation. I wish there was an answer to alleviate your anger at the program he is in now, but I don't think there is, even tho it seems like a typical low-brow boilerplate program that some silly little bureaucrat would have developed. I think that as long as he knows that you and his dad understand his concerns and are supportive he will be okay. I think the important thing is for him is to get thru this program and his probation w/o rocking the boat too much. I believe the more progress he makes and the closer he comes to completing this probation the less the system will focus on him. Maybe after he is done with all this you and he could launch a campaign to tighten the administrative rules (and that is what I believe they are - not statutes) so that reasonable discretion could be included to focus on the true predators and be more desicretionary and fairer to those like your son.

Peace and good luck,

Tom

Okay, I need tips on making apartment living more bearable.

We think we've found an apartment that we like. Nice area, nice complex, nice apartment. Problem is, it's only 2 bedrooms. There just are no 3 bedroom places in our price range anywhere in Orange County.

I'm trying to figure out how to make this work with our 2-year-old daughter and 16-year-old son. I don't see how these two can share a room. Our son obviously doesn't want to share a room with his baby sister. She needs a room, because she doesn't sleep well unless she's in a pretty quiet, isolated place, and she has toys that need to go somewhere. But our teenager needs his own space as well.

How on earth do we make this work? Our teenager isn't very excited about the move. He of course would rather stay in our house, but at this point in the foreclosure process, that's pretty much out of my hands.

Could your DD have a temporary bedroom? A room in the apartment that you could make do w/o @ night? A walk-in closet, a larger and more out of the way bathroom?

If all else fails, could she sleep w/ you and your H? There may be a few nights of transition w/ her light sleep, but maybe it's worth a shot?

We created an extra "bedroom" for one of our DD's (DD13 took it first, then DD11) by stapling a curtain to the ceiling, and cutting off a corner of the over-sized living area.

Probably a better idea for DD2 in your case.

The apartment isn't big, about 900 sq. feet. There are no walk-in closets unfortunately.

I can't imagine co-sleeping with DD2. She isn't a good sleeper. I've tried having her in my bed, but she just rolls all over the place and kicks us. And my H is big, so not much room in the bed as it is. The bedrooms are pretty small. We have a King size bed, so I don't think we could fit a separate bed in our room for her.

There is a little dining alcove that's attached to the living room and kitchen. We could put her bed there, but that would make the living room and kitchen off limits after her bedtime or she'd never go to sleep. And that was where I was planning on putting the desk and computer. I can't think of anywhere else that could go.

Could your daughter get the room and could you close off the dining area enough to give your son some privacy? He may sleep better with people in the living room than your daughter and will probably go to bed later.

Could you get a small computer station as opposed to a full desk for the computer and put it in the corner of the living room?

This might work. I've only been in the apartment once, so I'm going off a sketchy memory of where everything is at.

Really, my son would have the living room to himself at night after we go to bed. He stays up a lot later than we do.

I'm more worried about what to do during the day. He does independent study, so he's home all day. Usually, he spends most of his time in his room during the day.

It's going to be an adjustment, that's for sure. I wish we could afford more spacious accommodations, but So-Cal is just so darn expensive and my H hasn't had any luck finding another job somewhere else in this economy. He's getting ready to go back to school for his MBA, but for now, we just have to make due with what we've got.

The remaining solution is for you and your H to sleep in the living or dining area. You could store your clothes and cosmetics in the baby's room (as much as possible) and have some sort of roll-out bed (or safa-bed, if you can afford one) in the living area for you two to sleep on.

We considered this, but I have bad back problems. I have to sleep on a back support mattress, and I still wake up in pain most mornings. It's even bad when we travel, because the mattresses in hotels generally aren't that great. So I don't think I'd make it too long on a sofa bed unfortunately.

New problem to worry about.

Tax implications of short sale/foreclosure.

Our house is worth about $100K less than we owe on it, so the bank will in all likelihood have to write that off. We have no assets and no ability to pay it on our income.

The way it has been explained to me though is that if the bank writes that off, it will be considered "income" and we will have to pay taxes on it. Which means, we'll probably owe thousands of dollars in taxes next year. We've always gotten a tax return. We rely on that return to make ends meet. There's no way we can pay taxes on that kind of money when we didn't actually receive it as income. My H only earns $47K a year. We barely make enough to live off of. Our rent alone will be almost half his take-home pay.

Now I'm afraid we're going to end up in major hot water with the IRS. If they attach his wages, we won't have enough to live off and will probably lose our apartment and end up who knows where. I'm afraid we may even end up in jail if we can't pay.

I'm really freaking out here. I don't think there's any way for us to save our house and avoid this at this point, and our house probably won't be worth what we owe on it for a good 15-20 years in our area.

Ugh. I wish I had the money to consult a lawyer, but it's going to take every penny of the little bit we've got to cover the costs of our move.

Do some checking writer, my understanding is there is some temporary relief from the tax obligations due to so many people losing their homes and short sales.

Maybe do a "time share" - he gets the room during the day, to work, and she gets it at night only.

Re: the tax thing - I think money on a tax lawyer/accountant would be well spent if you can possibly manage it. What you are talking about will only come due next year anyway, right? Plenty of time to save and plan. If the IRS refuses to budge, an agent could at least help you negotiate a payment plan. You definitely want to avoid garnishment.

Or you could just "forget" to file for a few years. Lots do.

This is pretty much what we've been thinking. Other than for a 2-hour nap, she doesn't really spend any time in her room during the day anyway. She's too little to play on her own still and I usually bring her toys out in the living room and play with her. We have a beanbag chair, and I told my son we can put it in the bedroom and he can go in there during the day when his sister is up and hang out. He's worried about what to do with his stereo (the boy loves his stereo) but we'll figure something out.

Yeah, we're going to have to check into this more. Not much I can do about it at this point anyway. It seems unlikely that we'll be able to hold onto the house no matter what we do. And there's no way I'm staying here for another 15-20 years. I'd rather go to jail.

Check into what your options are again since the interset rate has recently plummeted.

My daughter and finance just refinanced thier house and went from a 30 yr mortgage to a 15 yr one and are paying $3 less a month. Plus its an assumable mortage rate they can pass down to anybody they sell it to, like 3% or something like that.

Yeah sounds outrageous don't it?. Maybe there is some financial relief out there for you guys in this "crash".

As far as Apt living in tight quarters, it helps if everyone has things to do outside the home and limits time in it. Son could go to the library to study, as well you could spend some time there also when able.
If the home is somewhere you go to eat, sleep, and recharge, and you all keep active outside, it will help relieve the tension.

Hang in thier writer

I'm also wondering if you have looked into lawyers that provide free advice? Have you gone to local agencies like the united way, womens shelters, etc to get a list of lawyers that might be able to help?

When we had our two bedroom place, our 2nd child slept in the living room and so my husband and I were holed up in our bedroom from about 8 pm on at night. We did this for two years. Sometimes, I miss those days of snuggling under the bed and watching something on the computer.

I'm also wondering if you need to higher a mover? Hiring movers was a splurge for us.

After 10 years with the same company? That sounds soul-destroying.

He's in customer service. He works in a call center. From what I've been able to see, he's on the high end of the pay scale for his line of work. Which is why he's going back to school to get into a new line of work.