Hi
I'm not really sure if I'm on the right place here. But I just want to ask your opinion. I've been married for almost 13 years and we have 3 kids.

At some point, there was a breach of trust right after we had our last child. From then on, I never spoke to her but we continued to live our lives together in the same house.And this was going on for 4-5 years. We are still sleeping in the same bed, but we are not having sex and we don't kiss, we don't say goodbye and we don't even say hello. This become normal to us. And I never realized that I missed out a lot.

We were having some fights and discussions about small things and then small things become bigger and up to the point that I wanted to walk out 4 months before. But I didn't because of the children.

Now I don't know what happened, she just wanted me out suddenly. And I don't understand. Do you think my wife has met some one?

Thanks for your advice

Hi Peter, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Yes, I think it's quite likely that your wife has met someone. I would suggest you click the 'notify' button and ask the moderators to move your thread to 'Surviving an Affair.' You'll get plenty of advice there.

Peter,

Welcome, I agree that moving your thread will help you a little more than it sitting here.

It will help us help you to here some details of your marriage

how old you and your wife are
which marriage this is for you and your wife (1st 2nd??)
how many kids and their ages
how long you've been married
what caused the lack of trust?????
why do you think you were unable to move past it????
and any thing else that might shed light on your situation

There are a lot of people here with great advice if you will seek it out, just keep asking questions and read all you can.

SC

Thank you.
I'm 45 and this is my first marriage
3 kids - 9 years, 8 years & 5 years

We've been married for 13 years.

Trust issue was when I told my wife that we should not have kids & I guess that we should stop after having 2. We decided that I should get a vasectomy or she should get a ligation. But she refused and she said she will take pills instead. One time when we were making love I asked her if she is safe and she said but she didn't tell me that she forgot to take her pills and the 3rd child was born. And it was too much for me. After that the marriage was not happy anymore. I felt that she betrayed me.

And now she wanted me out.

ps. I already clicked on notify

Peter,

I want to start by saying I'm not an expert,

I'm sorry that you have felt betrayed, and it's not rocket science that your marriage has been on rocky ground since the 5 year old showed up.

I see 2 major issues that you face

1st of course is your W being done with the marriage and I would guess she is having an affair from what you said, and that will prevent any recovery from taking place until the A is broke up.

2nd is the level of damage that has already occurred over the last 5 years, I think the level of disconnect that you and your W have experience is no semblance of what a healthy marriage should be, and it has been going on for 5 years, it is no wonder that you find yourself in trouble now, I don't for a second condone what your wife has done if she has found someone else. She may simply be done with a dead marriage.

In either case a recovery may be possible but it will have to start with you.

You will have to accept your child

You will need to engage in your marriage

You will need to find out what your W most important needs are and meet them.

You can not expect your W to want to return to a M like the one you described, no one would want to live in that environment, and you will have to create a completely new marriage to show her what it could be.

Of course all that effort would be lost if she has found someone else. As quickly as you can you need to find that out by snooping. It will effect your approach and the advice you will get here.

You will have to be proactive to save your marriage,

I've got a couple more questions....

Do you love your wife ???

Do you interact with the 5 year old???

How would you describe an ideal marriage relationship with you wife????

If she were to corporate, how would you show her that you could be that husband to her???

stillcommitted thank you for taking your time to give your points. I have to be honest. I don't love my wife anymore after having the third child. I felt being betrayed. We had many discussions.
We are trying to sort things out now and we are going to sell the house. The problem that I can't take is, she is always shouting and very high temper. We can't talk anymore.
But the past few days, I'm quite happy that we were.

2 weeks ago we discussed and she told me that she doesn't feel anything for me and that she just kept it because she doesn't know what to do. We had visitors a very close friend of ours and I was very surprised when she told our close friend that we are splitting up. After that, I went on to do my thing.

So at least it was clear for me. But the last week we had discussion again, and she told me that she has still feelings for me but not much. I was devastated. She told me that she was just waiting for me, and that she has needs to.

I told her that we can't really be a couple because the relationship started not good in the first place. And I told her that a very close friend of mine (female) that I'm spending my time because I can talk to her anything and that she understands my situation. I told her, that she is not my lover, she is just a very close friend.
The following day, she snoop on my mobile phone and she saw what I wrote to my close friend and she asked me if I've been sleeping with her, I told her no, (which is the truth) and she asked me why I send kisses, and I told her that she is a very close friend. She asked me if I'm moving out with her, I told her no because her place is small.

And I was just surprised that she called my employer and she wants to get the details of the people whom I'm going out for lunch, and what I'm doing in my company. I don't understand why is she doing this? We already discussed what we're going to do with the children, house and finances and we both agreed that it's best to part ways as we can't be together as a couple. And she agreed too. Now I don't understand why she is calling my employer and asking for details.

I don't know what to do? And I don't have any idea what is she going to do?

Could be a defense mechanism? It's easier to leave you if she hates you for cheating on her. Some people can't just move on for the sake of moving on. She might not understand why you don't love her anymore, as well. An affair would explain it. Maybe, you could ask her why she's snooping...

As for what you should do. That one is up to you. You clearly sound like you are not wanting to make the M work. Your decision. But, I'll tell you this. DO NOT WAFFLE! My STBX and I have both waffled over the past 4 years, and it really has just prolonged the agony.

And you will never be able to predict what she is going to do. You can only react to it... That is probably the greatest addition to my "tool kit" since I've gone through my stich and been on Marriage Builders.

Finally, as it can never be said enough: your children should be both of your #1 priorities.

I wish you luck.

Uh, yah. And how will she know if YOU met someone? Sorry Peter, but until you're actually divorced, having another person into the picture is going to complicate matters beyond comprehension. Dump the girlfriend and get on with divorcing your wife (...or saving your marriage). You have one too many balls in the air partner. [hint: anything you're telling your little confidant you should be discussing with your wife - it's really none of the OTHER WOMAN's business] ~opt

Dude, this is disgusting. You are delusional if you think it's okay to have a "friend" like this.

If your wife was "sending kisses" to another man you would be furious.

My husband had a good "friend" like this. He kept saying that he wasn't betraying our marriage because he wasn't having sex with her. Well, they started having sex six months ago and we're STILL married.

You need to dump the girlfriend and work on your marriage. And if you don't want to stay married you need to dump the girlfriend and get divorced. After you get divorced, you can date anybody you want.

The only reason you're not moving in with the girlfriend is because her place is TOO SMALL??? You, sir, are a creep.

Peter,

I have to say as I was reading your post I cringed knowing the response you were going to get. I know your not going to like what the other posters are going to say but I have to agree with them.

One of the commits you made was that you were devastated when she didn't have feelings for you anymore. Pete, you can't have it both ways, and that's the position you have put yourself and your wife in.

I have to agree with opt........

Loose the girl (OW), yesterday !!!!!!!

Commit to a course of action, Divorce or rebuild the marriage, only you can decide that one.

Get one with it, we can help which ever course you choose but you need to choose. The one thing you can't do is make a rational decision on your marriage with another woman involved in your life meeting your emotional needs. Your mind is clouded by her being involved in your life. It effects you in ways you can't even know. Trust us on this one.

When you told your wife, " you wouldn't move in to the OW's place because it was to small".
That tells me you have been thinking of doing just that. You are putting your wife through hell right now. What ever you do you will find that you have complicated your life immeasurably.

So knock it off and and get a real plan together.

x2

Welcome to MB Peter.

Have you read the articles on this site about how affairs happen?

hello, thank you for all your advises guys. i think you are right. but i just can't take it anymore. my wife is threatening me if i want to divorce her. we had a big discussion and that she found out this close female friend and now she's blaming her with the breakdown of our marriage. what i don't understand is, we already discussed this that we will be divorced because we can't go on like this and that i would like to end the marriage amicably.
then she started to threatened me and also she said she will contact this friend of mine, which i don't want to happen because in the first place, she's not the reason why our marriage break down.

the marriage was already breakdown 5 years ago.

yes I know what you all mean, that i can't have both. i know...now we agreed that we will not see each other until the situation is clear.

my wife told me that she will contact the female friend, i don't know what to do?

If I was your wife I would be doing the same thing.

She sounds like she does not want to divorce and she is trying to find a way to save the marriage.

I have a couple of thoughts for you.

1st is I'm sure you would agree that it would be ideal to be married to the mother of your children in a loving relationship where your emotional needs are met as well as her's. That you have a connected feeling, that she is someone that you look forward to seeing and talking to. That she honors and respects who you are.

If you can say yes to that statement, I would say that there is a path of recovery for your marriage but it will require a commitment from both of you to move forward.

The first step in the recovery is to cut all ties to this other woman, until that is done there is no chance of a recovery taking place. (and on this point regardless of your choice to recover the marriage you need to do this one).

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO MAKE A RATIONAL INFORMED DECISION ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE WHILE YOU ARE EMOTIONAL ATTACHED TO ANOTHER WOMAN

You have to forgive your wife's mistake that she made 5 years ago I can imagine she has struggled to find away for you to forgive her. It is a choice you can make and you will need help to do it but I think it can happen.

If you can see the potential in what I am suggesting I would contact the coaching center and set up a conference call with Steve Harley. It would be the best way for you to see what the potential of your marriage could be.

I think there is room for a recovery but it will take a commitment from both of you.

As far as your wife exposing your emotional affair with this other woman, there is nothing I can see that you can do to stop it except to own up to it and end it. This was the advice that Opt and I gave you a month ago.

This post has brought about some interesting reactions in me.

Let's see if I can explain.....

First post, this catches my eye...



4-5 years of living a cold empty life with someone and you are worried SHE met someone new? You wanted out 4 months ago but did not because of the children? Like the ones you describe in your next post as not wanting?

ok, I keep reading....

"Trust issue was when I told my wife that we should not have kids & I guess that we should stop after having 2. We decided that I should get a vasectomy or she should get a ligation. But she refused and she said she will take pills instead. One time when we were making love I asked her if she is safe and she said but she didn't tell me that she forgot to take her pills and the 3rd child was born. And it was too much for me. After that the marriage was not happy anymore. I felt that she betrayed me."

I read this and two thoughts went through my mind.

First off....child #3 is going through hell right now, especially. I grew up knowing how much I was NOT wanted, by actions and words. There is no way #3 does not know, and won't know as the years go by. There is nothing worse than knowing you are not/were not wanted. By anyone. Especially a PARENT.

Second - your wife did say she was safe when in fact was not, you did say the decision to get a vasectomy was made, yet you did not, which was btw, your responsibility as the partner who apparently is against more children.

However, I leaned towards your side on this at this point, due to her lying about being safe. Then I kept reading...

Third post of yours...this one i'm sticking responses in red, some bolding of your lines to draw attention to them...

"stillcommitted thank you for taking your time to give your points. I have to be honest. I don't love my wife anymore after having the third child. I felt being betrayed. We had many discussions. Then you should have left at that point, but instead you put both you and your wife AND your children into this state of what? cold-hearted living? I'm here but I'm not? I have lived this life thanks to my husband, its not a good way to be.

We are trying to sort things out now and we are going to sell the house. The problem that I can't take is, she is always shouting and very high temper. We can't talk anymore. Honestly, it don't sound like you have for 4-5 years....and I'd say she finally reached the breaking point.But the past few days, I'm quite happy that we were.

2 weeks ago we discussed and she told me that she doesn't feel anything for me and that she just kept it because she doesn't know what to do. We had visitors a very close friend of ours and I was very surprised when she told our close friend that we are splitting up. After that, I went on to do my thing.

So at least it was clear for me. But the last week we had discussion again, and she told me that she has still feelings for me but not much. I was devastated. She told me that she was just waiting for me, and that she has needs to.

I don't get these last two paragraphs. You discussed it, and she told close friend so you went on to do your thing...WHAT thing? You have the discussion again a week later, and you are devastated that she has no feelings and wants out? And omg, has needs? I just don't get these two paragraphs. Cake and eat it too?

I told her that we can't really be a couple because the relationship started not good in the first place. And I told her that a very close friend of mine (female) that I'm spending my time because I can talk to her anything and that she understands my situation. I told her, that she is not my lover, she is just a very close friend.

You just wrote your sentence...very close friend...right. Do you not even stop to think that an emotional affair is harder than a physical affair to get over from the spouses point of view?....but I am curious, why are you saying the relationship started not good in the first place? Your marriage? 13 years ago? Why? If that's not what you meant, what did you mean?

The following day, she snoop on my mobile phone and she saw what I wrote to my close friend and she asked me if I've been sleeping with her, I told her no, (which is the truth) and she asked me why I send kisses, and I told her that she is a very close friend. She asked me if I'm moving out with her, I told her no because her place is small.

Too small? That is the best you could come up with? How long has this 'close friend' been around?


And I was just surprised that she called my employer and she wants to get the details of the people whom I'm going out for lunch, and what I'm doing in my company. I don't understand why is she doing this? We already discussed what we're going to do with the children, house and finances and we both agreed that it's best to part ways as we can't be together as a couple. And she agreed too. Now I don't understand why she is calling my employer and asking for details..."

Now, the employer phone call, puts her over the line in my eyes. I think she SHOULD contact your friend, but she doesn't need to be putting your job in jeopardy, after all, that is how she is going to squeeze every last drop of blood out of you in court....child support and spousal support. Its time for her to let her lawyer take over, and leave the emotions behind. Divorce is after all, a business at this point. The most she can get is her top priority now.

Again, you should of left five years ago if that was when your marriage broke down in your eyes. You did not. You chose instead to live a cold life, being there while being unreachable.

I realize that English is probably not your first language by the way your words are coming, but the way they are being read here, I find it difficult to have much sympathy for you.

Your wife should NOT be contacting your employer, but she has every right to contact your 'friend'. She also needs to get a lawyer, and you need to move out. You say she is threatening you if you want to divorce her...in what way? What kind of threats? Contacting the other woman? Again, she has every right to. If the threats are physical, then that crosses the line.

You on the other hand...how long has this 'friend' been in the picture?

I'm sorry, I just can not abide by living in a cold world, sleeping in the same bed and having no contact, not talking, not anything, that is just plain and simple emotional cruelty and yes, emotional abuse. Regardless of your reasons. It just took your wife a long time to reach the breaking point.

You titled this with �How will you know if she met someone�....yet you admit YOU have this friend. Are you looking for another way to put the blame on her for what you are doing?



On a side note: Kirby, I like you more and more...you have a way with words.

Your relationship will NEVER be legitimate. It started as an affair. It will always be an affair. A nasty little secretive disgusting union in lies deceit and adultery.
You could try simmering in the [censored] you've created.

And I've earned the right to be mean: I was wayward once. I justified my ugly dishonesty with the same BS as you "Wife is not meeting my needs, the marriage is missing something, it feels right so how can it be wrong." That's a shadow that hangs around long after you realize what depths you've sunk to. Welcome to the shadow. Get out while you still can, even if you don't save your marriage.

Optimism

WOW,

I guess I should have said all that was on my mind.

Peter they are telling it like it is.

Ball is in your court, man up and fix your mess!!!!!

What irks me the most about this post is your ability to blame your wife for the past five years of your misery. She is 50% of your problem, but you are also 50% of the problem. My situation is similar to yours except I am the wife.

I believe you are in the infidelity fog and are chosing to pick out everything horrible about your wife to justify your "very good friend" relationship. This is the worst betrayal to your wife imaginable. My WH did the same logic about our marriage. I was a horrible wife the past seven years. Little sex, little empathy, it was all my fault... what my WH fails to realize I have birthed four of his babies over the past seven years, tried my hardest to balance work/family with his military career, and tried to keep our relationship happening.

Man I failed because I wasn't meeting his most important EN's, so I was in a sandpit with no way to climb out.

Unfortuately for me my husband left us for his OW, i.e."Very good friend" and now my family is devastated. Granted his reasons are very different from your reasons for leaving, but on the other end of his decision is a wife who wanted to save the marriage at all costs with him.

I am willing to look at myself and do what I need to do to be the best wife ever. It takes two and he just gave up without even working.

My WH and I had the same emotions as you and your wife (anger, resentment, lack of empathy, etc.) all because of our inability to communicate our needs to each other.

My marriage could have been saved yesterday, can be saved today, and most likely could be saved in the future. I just need my husband to want it and today he wants his "Very good Friend"

My suggestion to you is get rid of this OW because one day when you wake up and realize the consequences to infidelity, all you really wanted (to be loved, needed, taken care of, etc.) will have been burned up in the pit of hell, i.e. infidelity.

End the Affair, i.e. send your NC letter today, Plan A the crap out of your wife starting right now, and then figure out your next step when you have done all you could to save this marriage.

Your kids (#3 included) deserve to see their father with integrity, honor, and commitment. You are causing so much pain to everyone around you.