But I'm stuck in that we can't follow the guidelines to POJA in that Prisca doesn't follow ground rules to keep me safe.

Has this impasse continued even after the end of the EA?

Would you say that there is a greater desire from Prisca (and from you) to have a better marriage since the EA crisis, or not, or that things are even worse?

LOL...of course you don't, because some of it might be your fault!

I am not saying her DJs are acceptable...not by a long shot.

However if you are always blameshifting and using the excuse that the bills are late because "she won't sit down with me and find a good time for me to pay the bills", well...I think that could fall under a big giant LBer as well.

SO...you own your part and let her own hers. OK?

And that's a big problem. She needs to make it safe to negotiate with you.

Can you ask her to post on her thread her side of the story?

You said not to offer bill-paying advice but I want to know:

1. Do you over there have a system where you can instruct companies to deduct what is owed directly from your bank account on a fixed date?

Over here, that is called a "direct debit", and every last one of my bills is paid like that. Even my credit card companies are allowed to deduct the full amount on a fixed date so that I do not pay interest. If I'm not sure I can afford the full amount, I could fix a sum, like �50, and tell them to take that.

There is no such thing as "paying a bill" in my household, and this is normal for salaried people in the UK.

2. Is your income stretched so that you need to make prioritise a few things every month, and juggle between which bill to leave unpaid? Clearly, if this is the case, then my scenario above might be hard to implement.

She has done a lot more lately, in particular taking some initiatives toward getting back into this program that impressed me and made me feel like she is beginning to be serious about having a good marriage.

But we do still have the same problem of not being able to negotiate without DJs and other love busters coming in.

You are right, but is it not a good idea to try to follow a policy of finding a solution instead of finding blame?

We have a lot of bills that can work that way, and I've set up almost all of them that I think can be managed that way. I've been hoping to look for some kind of system to handle the others. Having them managed this way has really helped the situation.


No, this isn't an issue. The money is there and in the bank; we just need to write the checks.

I wish she'd tell us herself, but until and unless she does:

Do you think that she feels that she looks after 6 kids all day and copes with endless crises and emergencies without asking you what to do? That if she had to stop and ask each time a decision needed taking nobody would be fed or cleaned, and so why can't you just solve the fixed, predictable problems you have to deal with without asking her?

This is my attitude to my H (minus the 6 kids issue) BTW, and it is not good, I know.

I'm sure she feels something like that, and I feel like it's a pretty valid perspective. She'd like me to just take care of it.

1. Why can't all the bills be paid this way? Is it technically impossible? Do some companies not subscribe to the system?

2. Why don't you pay the cheques?

I've just remembered one thing that I can't pay by direct debit, and that is my son's school lunch money. I have to pay this online by monitoring what he has spent and topping up the account. It takes a few minutes.

I don't resent that I'm the only one that does it - I just know I cope better with online stuff than my H, and I get on with it.

You don't seem to be able to do with the the cheques. Do you resent being expected to deal with the remaining bills without involving Prisca?

Do you resent that expectation? It is a demand, of a kind.

I don't think I resent the expectation, but it leads to her saying things that I resent.

I'm happy to do the job. I want to do the job reliably, and I've communicated what I need in order to do the job reliably, and the responses have been disengagement from the topic or disrespect.

IME, it's always important to take your share of the blame. She isn't going to want to negotiate with you without that.

Pride is the only thing that prevents one from taking them blame when a mistake has been made.

MARKOS!!!


Ok...you clearly made it sound like the bill was just late and maybe there was a small late fee or something ~ turns out it was just a liiiiiiiiitle bit more than that.

Please be honest with us. We can't help you if you are minimizing things and making it sound like it was just a "oops, I forgot to pay the bill, now we owe a $10 late fee".

She was severely inconvenienced by this! Did I read correctly that you have 5-6 young kids at home?!?! Good grief, Markos! We have 4 kids and I can certainly understand her being upset!

Do you see how you neglected to "care for" your W by not paying the water bill, especially AFTER you received the late payment?

What stopped you from doing it RIGHT THEN?

Remember the story I told you about my H being late on a bill, and the CC company called me?

My H's response was "Oh man...I totally forgot, I'm sorry sweets...I'll take care of it right now."

We hung up and he did it RIGHT THEN. Then I was able to meet his need for admiration by THANKING HIM and telling him he does a great job with the bills.

You HAD the opportunity to fix it when you received the late notice...instead you procrastinated and your W paid the price for it.

Do you see this?

BTW...I know we haven't addressed the inability to POJA this but first...we need to get the whole story.

I believe some serious LBers are happening here...procrastination is a HUGE one that my H commits (we've surmised it falls under Annoying Habits) and that might be a LBEr for Prisca as well.

THAT needs to be addressed (if I am correct) as well as the inability to POJA.

Prisca suggested a time for me to spend fifteen minutes taking care of the bills and finances each night, and I am going to start doing that.

Markos, you have a very slippery way of not answering questions. MF asked you about why you had not told us the full extent of the water story, and why you hadn't paid the bill immediately you got the reminder.

In addition, I'd like to know whether you gave Prisca the silent treatment for hours after she was upset about the water being cut off. If you did do this, then why? What did Prisca do that warranted that treatment?

Again with the bill paying suggestions, which you didn't really ask for.

Again, I don't know how it works where you are, but here, I get paid every 2 weeks, and WH transfers half of the money I get on those same 2 weeks. My WH used to take care of the bills, until....I was at home one day and couldn't call anyone since my phone had been cut off, for the third time. It wasn't that we didn't have the money, he just forgot to pay it and used to only pay bills when he would receive a disconnect notice. I showed him the late fees, etc, that we received because of it. The next day, I set up, through my bank account, that half of the months bills goes to the businesses every 2 weeks. It happens automatically and I wake up every other Friday with half of that months bills already taken care of. On a side note, since we sometimes get paid 3 times a month, I now have some bills paid so far in advance that I could stop paying them for a few months before I needed to pay one. It was a good option for me and removed a lot of tension. Do you online bank?

Now, about the POJA and recovery things, I think I will leave that to the pros, as I only know about what I have read.