Because I was loaded with resentment after three months of trying to negotiate bills and chores with Prisca with no participation.

It may not be a good reason, but that's why.

I told Prisca a couple of months ago I could no longer be responsible for doing this or other jobs when she wasn't willing to negotiate time with me. I told Prisca she could do the job herself if she wanted, or negotiate with me, and the offers were repeatedly declined.

I am tired of doing things simply in response to demands and disrespectful judgments. I am tired of looking past the disrespectful judgments and doing things any way just because I am supposed to or because it is expected.

I didn't tell the full extent of the water story because I knew people would be judgmental toward a man who didn't pay the water bill and his wife and six children were left without water.


I quit speaking to Prisca because I don't know any other way to make the disrespectful judgments turn off. I can't stand it when I explain that I feel something is disrespectful and she disagrees with me.

Exactly what do I need to do to take my share of the blame? I acknowledged my fault to Prisca and apologized. Do I need to be subjected to the disrespectful judgments, too? Because I cannot stand them any more.

You're right.

I really screwed up and then tonight I really, really screwed up by screaming and yelling at Prisca. It was at that moment that I realized I've been screwing up all day long.

She doesn't deserve to have to put up with this. She's been waiting a long time to be able to feel like she has a husband who won't abuse her, and she's still being abused, plus her crazy [censored] of a husband doesn't pay the bills, either.

I apologize for being so deceptive and selective in my posts. Thank you to everyone who has been working to try to set me straight.

She needs to hear that. From you.

We will screw up from time to time. It's only human. It's what we do afterwards that makes all the difference.

She did, before I said anything here.

But I haven't stopped saying it, because at this point I think she would be justified in being skeptical.

That shows I knew I was wrong, doesn't it?

Good grief, what a disrespectful thing to say, and deflection of the highest order.

I'm sorry SugarCane, MarriedForever, and everyone else.

I will not try to escape judgment that I rightly deserve.

No, MiM. This is letting markos off the hook.

He behaved really irresponsibly by ignoring the reminder from the water company to pay the bill. That wasn't just some error; that was a deliberate decision on his part not to pay the bill because he wanted Prisca to do her part in some way. That was childish, and he is the father of a young baby and five other young children. He does not have the right to behave childishly with children depending on him, and in addition, it makes Prisca lose respect for him. That loss of respect is very corrosive to a marriage.

Markos told Prisca some time ago that he would deal with the bill-paying and then he did not deal with this vital bill.

Additionally, screaming the F word at her and calling her names, then leaving the house for hours, is an unacceptable way to behave, full stop. I believe that Dr Harley would say that this behave must never be repeated, not even once more, starting right now. It is not good enough to say that we all make mistakes. Somebody like markos who has been on the programme supervised by Dr Harley for nearly a year must know that a single incident like that makes MASSIVE withdrawals from the LB account, and these are dangerous to the whole marriage. The small deposits that can be made by attempting to compensate for this outbursts will be tiny drops in the ocean. That game of "it is not what you do, but what you do AFTER" is not worth the losses and gains.

Markos, is violent anger a known problem for you? What are you doing about it? Have you raised it with your coaches? What do they say?

But what do you gain by coming here and telling less than half the story? Yes, when the remaining 90% is told by your wife we can see that you knew you were wrong, but why tell the story like that at all? How do you benefit from doing this? How does your marriage benefit? How does your actively seeking an erroneous or half-arsed solution live up to your vow to love and cherish your wife?

markos, the only person you are manipulating is yourself. What good is it to you to get answers to ill-described problems?

What I was doing was venting, which is something absolutely forbidden by the anger management program I am in.

I literally made the problem worse by posting.

Yes, I think you did. You came here and effectively lied about what happened, validated your view of Prisca's wrongs and tried to recruit the board into validating that view, too. That in itself was abusive to Prisca, on top of the verbal abuse you had already subjected her to.

To clarify my point: you didn't make the problem worse by posting. You made the problem worse by skewing the event and effective lying about what Prisca had done wrong.

Posting is not the problem, markos. Prisca does not object to you posting (I imagine) if you do so genuinely to get help. Manipulation of the board by blame-shifting and omission of facts are the seriously problems with your posting, and again, they need to stop now.

You are right.

Blame-shifting is something I have a major problem with.

I went back and looked at my conversation with Prisca yesterday (she told me about the problem by instant messenger). She stated "you know how I feel about this, don't you?" and I did know. And I responded with a very similarly worded sentence that was a DJ: "and you know my desire for us to schedule 15 minutes a day for me to do the budget and pay bills, don't you?" Very sarcastic, and abusive.

And her sincere answer was "no."

markos, I didn't know that anger and verbal abuse were part of your problem until recently. I'm not sure that you have made that clear when you posted before.

For example, when your washing machine broke and you posted about UA time, you mentioned walking out of the house for hours one Sunday. I took you to task for not acting like a grown up, but I wonder now if there wasn't some major detail, like the water being cut off in this recent story, that explained Prisca's attitude towards you at that time, that you left out. Also, did you F-bomb her before leaving the house as you did the other day?

You posted about how, when the kids are in bed and you are able to start UA time, Prisca looks at you and will not speak or participate. She acts indifferent to you. Well, if there have been recent events in which you have lost your temper over family matters and worse, sworn at her and stormed around, then she will not want to talk to you in the evening just because it is scheduled UA time. You have made her dislike you, and she will not want to spend time with someone she dislikes.

I can relate to this specific problem in your marriage and I will beat you up about it, perhaps more than other posters will, because I can see where this is going. I have lived this. I know what Prisca feels about this behaviour.

When you shout at her, and especially when you swear at her and leave the house, you tell her that you hate her and cannot stand her. That is the message she is receiving. The LB losses caused by a single incident like this are huge, and after a few of them per year, her overriding feeling for you will be contempt because you act just like your two year old. She will also find it hard to love someone whose behaviour is frequently un-loveworthy.

Your anger over family and household issues says that you blame her for the day-to-day problems of being a parent. It tells her that although you love the children, and she can see that you do, you resent the problems that they bring into your lives and you are not as committed a parent as she is. If push comes to shove, you will walk out, as you do. It is devastating for a mother to realise that her H, her children's father, is not her protector, as she needs him to be. She will feel alienated from you when your fatherhood and husband-hood become transparently conditional, and her feelings of contempt will not be abated by your behaviour every few days.

When, for the next few days, you try to make peace or move past the events, this will not work to replace the love units haemorrhaged by your violent outburst. And, before long, there will be another one, and looking at you and feeling contempt will become a way of life for Prisca.

This behaviour alone is enough to end your marriage. If you lose enough love units you will lose Prisca's love. if you don't pull yourself together and see what you are doing with every childish refusal to deal with household matters, and every FU and storming out, your marriage will be over one day.

You are right, SugarCane. I know what my anger does to Prisca, and I consider it to be intolerable.

No, last fall when I left the house, I did not not curse at Prisca or have an angry outburst. In fact, I left to avoid an angry outburst.

Last night I walked out, and then walked back in and had my angry outburst. That was a crucial mistake. I ended up saying things to Prisca that I have never said, horrible things she did not deserve that have wounded her deeply.

This is called being DISHONEST and you aren't going to get the help you need if you continue doing this.

It also makes you look bad and we wonder what else you are saying isn't true.

Stop the manipulation. Do you do this in your M too?

THUD. Seriously, Markos?

We are not mind readers. Ignoring questions doesn't scream "I know I was wrong, I just don't want to admit it".

Apparently I do. We've already uncovered that I was dishonest about the fact that the late notice came in.

I am saying the fact that I didn't tell the full extent of the water story shows that I knew I was wrong, doesn't it?

I see that now but I was asleep while all this posting was going on. The other side of your story is a little shocking, to tell you the truth.

I very much like SCs posts to you about what your AOs are doing to Prisca. I very much agree. The few that my H has had have left a mark on me. I can't imagine living with that on a regular basis.