He's already left me.

I mean, as in divorce.

To be with the OW, right? He'll most likely come home once the A is exposed. Things won't be all roses with the OW once their little bubble is busted. The reality of what he's done will start to sink in.

The thing is I have told EVERYONE but human resources. His family knows so he avoids talking to them, he doesn't see anyone else who knows either, except her side of people who sound like low class people who won't care. Yesterday was the first time he's talked to his dad at all. He is definitely uncomfortable because everyone knows....

Hey, mehr, I'm really not trying to come across as a bulldozer with you. I do understand exactly what your saying...just trying to gauge whether you value the marriage or money more.

And that's not said in a judging manner--you may honestly not care about the marriage any longer and are just in survival mode. If that is the case, and you are ok with a divorce, then don't do anything that would alter his ability to pay alimony and child support.

Either way you move is going to result in a difficult situation. Divorce or reconciliation--there is no easy alternative here. It's just the way it happens sometimes and it sucks. But sometimes you have to pick the lesser of two evils and go with it in the hopes that the end-result will have made it worth the pain.

Northwood has two very rational choices. You will learn that the human spirit is capable of enduring amazing trials and tribulations. My mom raised four kids after her D on $2.90 an hour, and attending nursing school full time. It wasn't easy, but she did it. Your spirit could be as strong as hers, I'm sure.

What you can't do is live in fear of the unknown.

Then you have nothing else to lose right? So do the FULL exposure at work to the HR.

You are sitting here right now and the ONE thing that might get your husband back is to expose both of them to HR, and he is at the OW house probably having sex with her and your worried that he will divorce you??

I would be exposing this to EVERYONE work, HR, OW family and friends etc...

But that's just it - you haven't exposed to the people in a position to pressure him to end the A. His employer is No. 1.

And don't underestimate OW's family - don't assume that they are low-class with no morals. You don't know that. You can never know for sure where you'll get the most support. Cover your bases.

Okay, I am sorry... I did it wrong... I am trying to find out who I should contact within the company... it is a HUGE company... world wide. I am scared.

From surviving an affair, he's totally doing that thing where they committ slightly one way and then the other way. He is just fence sitting. I guess its a good sign that he thinks about his family at all...

A good sign is from his employer when they call both into the boardroom separately and discuss who gets fired.

Until you do that, there's possibly not going to be enough pressure. IT MUST COME from ALL SIDES. That means family, spouse, friends, and of course, WORK.

He must see the only logical choice is to end the affair or face personal ruination. And then and only then can he end the horrible addiction to killing his marriage and family. After all, that is what the affair does.

How long does this usually drag on? One day it feels like he is about ready to reconcile and the next he is more distant.

Until he hits rock bottom or accepts the ruination that peachy describes:


For my wife, she sat on the fence for seven or eight months until I had her quit her job where OM worked. That was in January and the withdrawal took about a month and a half. She slowly started coming back into the marriage but was hesitant because, after all, the affair wasn't the real issue. It was all the crap that we'd done to each other over the years. Last Thursday she said she's in 100% and I have no doubt that she means it.

So, for me, it took from January to March 24--but she had quit her job and there was no contact save one email a week later.

You'll know it when you see it. As someone else said, there is one moment, one conversation, where you know you're going to be ok if you can just avoid screwing things up!

To get him to hit rock bottom, you're going to have to go completely bat-poop crazy on him with exposure. His world needs to be shaken from the very core in order to make him turn the skank loose. A gentle shake won't do it, it has to be an earthquake.

This is a fragile situation, and I am super nervous that he will return to her. It came to where my Plan A was working very well and he felt the love for me, and then he missed his kids, and he was coming in and out of the fog from the start but yesterday he finally broke it off with her and brought his stuff home. He says it is over and she will be too mad for there to be anything to ever happen again.... but I know better. I feel like this situation only half died a natural death, despite him choosing me/us he is still not over her. He is sad today. I read here that we are not in recovery until the extraordinary precautions are in place, I agree, and that is what we need to set up. Maybe I shouldn't have let him return until we had them in place, but I felt like even if he goes back this will hurt their relationship (him leaving her) so I did. Any advice?

mehr, you're going to have to bring us up to speed. Can you go back to your old thread and do that? It's hard to follow posters when they start new threads.

Are they still working together?

Mehr,

It is better to have him home so you can work through all the things you need to work through, you have to set up boundaries he will have to abide by, he will have to be transparent and work together in a good plan to rebuild your marriage.....
You will have to set up those extra ordinary precautions it is going to take, if that means leaving his job he will have to do this, no contact is a must for now, it should be a deal breaker............
listen to the advice the vets will give you, put a plan in order and move towards rebuilding.....
jessi

Of course this will continue to be a fragile situation because he still works with OW. All of the MBers told you to expose at work and gave you letters, how to make contact etc. Instead you have set yourself up for your WH to continue to the A and still be at home.

It will not die a natural death till he quits or she leaves.

You need to keep your thread as one so people do not have to search for your older posts.

mehr, could you ask the mods to combine your SEVEN threads into one so we can all follow along and we don't waste anyone's time advising the same things you have already been advised or asking you questions that have already been answered. It's a lot easier for us to follow your sitch and advise you more effectively.

I fear that you have set yourself up for a false recovery. I pray that isn't the case, since false recoveries hurt more than the original betrayal.

If your WH EVER has any contact with OW, the affair continues. And remember, waywards LIE.

Mehr, make sure you get access to everything and I mean EVERYTHING. He has to be an open book. He needs to let you know what he is doing at all times so he needs to check in frequently. I have already been in a false recovery and it hurts like heck. Protect yourself, he needs to earn your trust and that takes a long time, so he needs to really work on that. If he is sincere about working on your marriage he will do whatever it takes.

Still hoping and praying.

mehr, did you let him back without a NC letter? Did he switch phones with you and close out any other means of communications he had with OW (such as FB/email)? Will he be transparent (giving you access to all records and accounting for all of his time?)

You can get the other EPs into place later but if he will not do the above then you are on the fast track to a FR...