Wow! I was finally able to again login here. Haven't been here in ages.

Just wanted to say 'hi' to all my old MB friends, and also wanted to give encouragement to all here. Your marriage can be saved! If mine could be resurrected, anyone's can!

I came here about three years ago AFTER I was divorced. I was the former WS, and my husband had filed for divorce. The affair had lasted about four years, and for two of those years I was living with my husband. All told, my DH and I lived apart for 3 1/2 years, of which 1.5 years were spent legally divorced.

When I ended the dreadful A I found MB. It was incredible how my story was like so many others' here. What a mess I'd made of my life, and of my family's life.

After posting here for FIFTEEN months and getting much encouragment and advice from JL, Pepperband, Redhat, Litchfield, and so many others my DH finally agreed to a 'date'. The man hadn't spoken with me in years on any sort of level beyond 'hello'. It was so sad, but I took full responsibility.

That was almost two years ago this upcoming December. Our first dates were very strained and not romantic at all. Let's just say it wasn't like in the movies.

Very shortly after our first 'dates' we remarried. It all happened within about three weeks. That was just about two years ago, and soon we'll be celebrating the 24th anniversary of our first marriage.

Never, ever, give up hope UNLESS your ex has remarried. Believe me, my DH was very withdrawn and detached from me for YEARS. We don't talk much at all about our time apart. It's behind us, and we certainly don't dwell on it. It all seems like a bad nightmare, but we did learn from it.

JL always told me "patience and time". He was right.

All is going very well. Our three children are elated we're together again.

Hang in there, even if it seems hopeless!

Hopeful_person

This is my first post here. I have visited the site off and on for awhile, but never posted. I am still quite uneducated about Plan A and Plan B. I have a lot to learn , that's for sure.

The bottom line is, my divorce was final over a month ago, and I am so unhappy about it. Separated for almost two years, and the whole separation was my foolish idea. Was foolishly involved with someone else during the end of my marriage, so I separated. H found out about the A four months after separation , and then all chances of working things out seemed out of the question.

I foolishly hung on to the relationship , the A, that I started during my marriage of over 20 years. I finally ended that horrible liason, after reading here, and coming to some sort of God given awakening. After separation, I could only keep comparing the BF with the H, and I could only see how superior the H was in every way, and how much I loved him. However, it's too late. He(now Ex-H) has been telling me for months now that he needs time, and he still doesn't know if he'll ever want to be with me again. I am heartsick beyond belief. He seems very doubtful, and says this is best for everyone.

Does anyone have any ideas and insight for me? My pastor told me to quit begging the now-ex, and instead to focus on a new life. He said that would be more 'winsome' to the Ex. I am doing that. We have three teenage children, and we recently attended a school event together. (ex and I) We met there. It was just him and me, and it was so wonderful for me. I felt more at peace, just being with him, then I have in years. I don't know how he felt, I didn't want to pressure him at all. He did initiate conversation, and he looked very happy. It was like old times, for me. I've known him for 29 years! (He's a quiet person, and he hasn't
initiated conversation with me in a long, long time)

Does anyone have a success story after an A and a final D? I feel heartsick , that I caused all of this pain and devastation.

Thanks for your input,
Hopeful_Person

Now divorced (one month now), was married 20 1/2 years, 3 children, separated almost 2 years ago

Hi All,

I have been reading here on MB for awhile, and I just registered to post yesterday.

I will tell my story in a nutshell. I began a long distance A almost FOUR years ago, and my H and I separated almost TWO years ago. (I was deeply in a fog) He found out about the A four months after separation, and he filed for D five months later. DUring this time I carried on with the A,(he visited the area weekly) and yet I would still occasionally ask the H if he wanted to reconcile. I just knew deep down that the A was no good, nor was the OM, but I must admit I was completely confused. This whole time, I did feel I loved my H. Very odd, until I have read here that this is common. The 'fog' thing totally hits home.

The OM relocated to live near me about a year ago. (leaving a family, sadly) The relationship with the OM began to slowly really fall apart, but I stayed with OM (he had his own place in this area) until July. After God leading me here in the spring, I read more about A's and the dynamics. I could relate completely. The OM , on top of it, was emotionally quite abusive, and I really felt caught in a sick web. I think I tried to make it work with the OM for so long just to justify having left the marriage.

I broke up with the OM in July, and he moved back where he came from. There's been no contact now in 7 weeks.(The last time he called, in early August, I hung up on him for the third time) He has respected my decision, and hasn't called again---and I blocked his email address, too. Because the relationship with the OM had gone on so long, I think the withdrawal wasn't as bad in some ways. That is to say, he'd been lying to me before I left him, so any 'visions' of him being a perfect, romantic partner were gone completely. Reality had firmly set in! Nonetheless, leaving him was still one of the hardest things I 've done, although it was truly one of the best things I've ever done.

Anyway, my divorce was final, ironically, about 4 days after the OM moved back to his own area. All this time, since spring--even before I left the OM, I would ask my H if he would consider reconciliation. He would always say, "Not now, maybe in time, but I guarantee nothing."

My now ExH has always been quiet, and not one to show his feelings. Once in August he agreed to counseling, but a few weeks later he said he wasn't ready, and needed his space. I asked him if he received the few cards I'd mailed him, and
he said 'yes, but they make me feel pressured.'

The other evening we went to a school event, meeting there--in regards to one of our three kids. We had lots of time to talk, and it was truly one of the nicest times I'd had in years. I don't know how he felt, but he looked relaxed and happy. I felt like I was 'at home', just sitting with him. I am respecting his need for space, and not saying anything or writing anything to him about 'us'.

I dream of being with him again almost nightly. Last night's dream was of a reconciliation, and was of course for me beautiful. I then wake up, and realize I 've created a horrible nightmare. He's gone, and we were married close to 21 years.
At times I feel completely beside myself with grief and despair.

Does anyone have any advice? Should I write him a card occasionally...or bring up reconciliation? I did say something directly a few weeks ago about trying again, when he brought the kids home from a weekend with him. He said he felt this was the best for everyone. I told him 'okay',and I said 'thanks for talking'. I refrained from begging or arguing,thank the Lord. Previously I told him I would wait for him, for as long as it would take, until he was ready. WAs that a mistake to say that?

All advice and insight is so needed and appreciated. BTW, as far as I know, he hasn't dated at all--I'm the only woman he's ever had. We've known each other for almost 30 years, and we have three children. We married after knowing each other for 8 years--most of that time as good/best friends, not 'sweethearts'.

Thanks in advance for your help,
Hopeful

A friend of mine's sister was a WW who left her BH and her then 8-year old son for her OM. Many years later, OM ditched her for another OW. She said she couldn't believe how painful it was and called her XBH up to appologize. Of course, he'd since remarried and was very happy in his new life and wanted nothing to do with her. Neither did her son who, by then, was a rebellious teen anyway. Last I heard, she's still on ADs and in therapy. My friend said the realization of what she had done truly ruined her life.

Pep, I just want to be clear about one tiny detail. Both of those posts are by WW's who's BH's had filed for divorce, I am looking for WW's who filed and went through with the divorce, then felt regret for doing so.

So...what the difference was:

1)no begging or pleading from him

2)awesome plan A (and with stick applied)

3)darker than dark plan B

4)when she moved out and wanted a d? He met that challenge and filed for FULL custody, documented everything foggy and wayward she did, and WON.

5)Began to do a "man-over" and tweaked his look, and faced the possibility of being single again with a smile (attractive to women, btw) and even changed some of his clothing style.

6)Never argued with x, just told her the truth, when they had any limited contact, which was what the waywards don't want to hear.

7)He somewhat befriended the bw of the posom, and gleaned AWESOME evidence against him, as the posom was a serial cheater.

8)Having (this is key)a smart, well-dressed, intelligent, CALM, together, non-pleading BH show her the CONSEQUENCES of her affair in the end, broke the affair up and sent the inner wayward which demonized his bw packing for good!

2)awesome plan A (and with stick applied)

Can you elaborate on that some? I need examples. Its confusing to me how to meet needs but not be a doormat and still apply stick.