Its interesting what happens during the course of maturing sexually, and how sex or lack of it can be blamed for our deepest problems.

As a young man in my sexual high drive, I would have given anything just for straight intercourse with a woman who wanted me. It all came down to her wanting me.

I saw girls having wild sex with guys that they have since divorced and left. Thier desire based on what they respected at the time. Mostly they wanted to feel totally free and uninhibited, so they would be with someone that represented those things to them, and submit themselves to them, and get turned on by the submission also.

I think that the emotional freedom is still the driving force in the passion found in life, sex being the expression of submission to that freedom. That is the motivation for affairs, the emotional freedom first, followed by the desire to experience more through sex.

Later on those girls I knew way back when would experience what it was they were giving themselves to, and either adjust the relationship as they both grew, or abandon it becuase they lost respect for them. Sometimes the new views they got of themselves as they grew and matured, caused them to run away screaming, from themselves and the experience also. Thats a rollercoaster ride I am sure many here will recognize as being part of thier life.

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

This was a great thing to read, but tells me that its the attitude of why sex is practiced, that means so much to us and carries so much power in our hearts and minds.

When I first heard it was in a discussion about guilt and how it destroys the freedom of sexual abandon. I heard it as "The marriage bed is undefiled", and thought, "Oh Boy, Oh Boy, this means anything goes if your married!" But of course like anything mis-quoted or taken out of context, we leave it open to our own interpetation. Like the saying I heard as a child, "Money is the root of all evil" The true quote from the Bible is..

1 Timothy 6:10
For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

Love being the key word here. How many years did I labor over false understanding.

But back to the point,(yeah, CP, you? right!), Sex before marriage and the percieved emotional abandon from "No-strings" sex.

Even if you take out the complication to this activity, (if you can call pregnancy a complication and not a blessing), and avoid children with birth control, isn't it only right that in this union where we are free emotionally to seek an even deeper connection, that it would have everything to do with creation? It creates life, another human being, and no matter how we try to get around it, that means the care of someone else that needs us.

Why would it be so surprising that learning how to do that, is what God intends for us to do in marraige, so that there will be no mistake of guilt and defilement, when we have sex under his covering of protection? When we "Put the cart before the horse", as I think it was HHH that used that phrase above, and seek sexual freedom without being responsible for others and especially our marriage partner, thier is no freedom to submit our bodies freely to one another.

1 Corinthians 7:4
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

This is not just sexually, but in whole caring of everthing to do with each other. Me-thinks it is the care of each other, the object of our desire, that is the hieght of romantic love. It also takes a fair amount of objectivity also, and for the rest of our lives, if we are so blessed.Sex before marriage is placing the cart before the horse, a form of manipulation, well meant or rebellios it still puts a twist on what sex should be in the marriage, and before God. It takes some understanding and time to adjust to the fact that sex wasn't bad, and the freedom we had in it before marriage was real, and can be enjoyed the same within marriage.

Like DR H says, once romantic love is restored, the sex is not the problem.

Cemar, being a person with HD, the fact that my partner wanted me, and was anticipating pleasing me, turned me on more than any act she could perform on me. We could go for hours, over and over, looking to please each other. Climax would often occur simultaenuosly, because we felt the others needs were met by us. That is what turned me on, turning her on. It was attitude not apptitude, on both our parts. My wife did not like OS either, but I could perform it on her, simply because I wanted to please her. She felt it was unsanitary, but I didn't care because I wanted to please her so much.

But I remember and have allways cherished, the times when just touching someone who wanted me, with great anticipation, was enough, as a matter of fact, it was more than any specific act. The desire to please you is what you are missing from what I see, and OS is an expression of this I know. Do you remember a time when just being with her at all was all you needed? Is your need for OS another way that you don't beleive she loves you? Somehow inside a way for you to have it proven to you that your valuable to her? These questions need to be addressed, because you need to be needed, we all do, especially by our wives, who we rely upon to give us value, just as they do us.

Do you aknowledge the ways in which she loves you, and what she values from you, thats important to your own security. Thats what I see as the real issue behind what you need, not just the OS expression within your sexual needs, you need to be wanted.

Yes that is very painful..To see your needs deminished and dismissed, I just wonder if you see what the real need you have is, or if she is aware of hers that are not met, or if either of you are aware of each others.

Thats all anyone can do, and DR H know that also, it is up to you both, and your privelegde also to meet each others needs, nobody else can do that, God gaurantees and can provide that within a marriage, but you have to let Him in it also.

By wanting your wife to do something she finds unpleasant you are not loving her. If you really wanted intimacy you would only be concerned with working WITH your wife to find things you can do that you would both find enjoyable.

The most important emotional need for your wife may be Openness and Honesty, or it may be Conversation, I don't know, since you have never been willing to invite her here or to discuss what she needs from you only how you can make her meet your needs.
A lot of women hate giving oral sex, maybe they try it when they're young and keep doing it for a while even though they hate it but eventually realise it will destroy their love for their partner to continue feeling disgusted while in their presence.

I'm actually not someone who hates oral sex, it is an intensely loving close and intimate thing for me, and as such it is something I absolutely CAN NOT do if I am not feeling 100% in love, with my body and my mind, with my partner. Basically, thats one area of sf that isn't happening unless he has done a good job of meeting my needs in other areas. I will meet his need for sf in other ways that don't trigger such strong feelings if I don't feel very loved and connected to him already. So we're back to the same old thing, YOUR WIFE DOES NOT FEEL IN LOVE WITH YOU, SO HD or LD SHE WON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

Thank You RC and Mel, for pointing out again the obvious truth cemar is missing. The mutual care aspect of romantic love and desire.

It is the only love that makes sense isn't it?

Can other posters tell, am I making any sense by what I have written?

As someone who struggled with sexual expression and what was behind it as a young man, the pain of rejection and the need and realization of tenderness and acceptance I understand what DR H has written very well, and do not see what he says as loss in the relationship but as gain.

As a man I am trying to reach cemar and show him his tenderness for his wife is the better part of love for her, as hers for him also. That the desire to meet each others needs works much better than the claim that his wife will not meet his needs because somehow she is deficient or manipulative.

The specifics of how he wants his SF needs met are just a build-up of his frustration as far as I can see, just like porn tries to convince us that we aren't getting our fair share, and the grass in greener elsewhere. I am trying to point out that he might be over ephmasizing the act, because he feels he is starving, and is desparate. Something is missing, and sex provides a close resemeblance of it, so sex is the focus for him.

Its my observation at least with me, thats sex is the beginning and the end both in many when it comes to relationships. Its a drive in men that starts the process, and in that way a need, but also the care of the other that brings the drive into its proper place in time. Without the respect and care of the partner, the desire suffers.

HD is healthy, but demands a search for relationship at its core, thus this curse it seems can be turned into a blessing once you get outside it and understand it means more than just the drive. It also promotes good relationship, because you will need that qualitiy to have sex.

Maybe I am putting to much into this, and the simple approach and plain facts of cause and effect is all he needs. He can figure it out for himself.

But could someone verify that I am at least touching on something real? I would hate to waste his time, if was false teaching or Bullcrap.

Anyone?

You aren't coming from a "both spouses" angle, you are coming from a YOU angle - and choose to ignore the advice that is toward the both spouses angle.

CP you are making sense but you're talking to a wall. Cemar only reads and replies to posts that can support his need prove his wife is wrong.

I don't know what anyone else can say, everyone has been very very clear and the advice is being ignored.

Cemar, I can tell you, my H likes to perform OS. *I* don't particularly like it, done to me or giving. To me, it's extremely impersonal. There were a few years where that was all he wanted to do. He wasn't meeting my needs of admiration and conversation, either. You know what happened? *I* didn't want SF anymore. I lost the urge to be with him because emotionally, I wasn't being satisfied and in SF, it wasn't mutual. I would think of him during the day, get excited to come home and he would ignore me or fight with me and I no longer wanted him.

He finally listened to me, we started participating TOGETHER for SF, he started meeting my needs and everything went back to normal (which for us, because I'm HD, was 2x p/day)!

He still loves OS, and I'm still not a big fan. But you know what? Because he was being loving towards me, meeting my needs, I was happy. Because I was happy, I WANTED to make him happy, so he got his porn star nights.

So, this is coming from a HD woman. I'm extremely HD, but the minute I'm not happy, being treated badly, or something is off with H, I'm no longer HD, I'm NO drive.

See? It's emotional, Cemar. You did, or are doing something that is making your wife unhappy. I can't get any clearer than everyone else, MAKE HER HAPPY. Yes, it's up to you, because YOU'RE the one HERE. YOU must start the engines on this ride. If you follow the advice everyone is giving, there's a really great chance, your wife will take the wheel.

Thanks TT,

I guess as long as I am steering him straight, talking to a wall is part of it, and I can live with that, thier are a lot of walls out there, me being one of them at times.

Well the truth and the way things work will not change for you cemar, it is what it is.

Good luck but consider getting your wife to come here, maybe we can help from a different angle.

But it will still take both of you for it to work.

Cemar, Can I suggest a possible approach that Dr. Harley might use? I don't know for sure if he's ever officially used it for SF, but it is basically adapting his approach to teaching someone how to meet the need of affection to the need of sexual fulfillment. (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html)

From following your threads, I've seen a few things that you seem to expect from your wife to fulfill your need for SF. I won't remember all of them, but the list might include:

1) intercourse x times per ?
2) she initiates some of the time
3) she kisses/teases during the day
4) oral sex
and so on.

An enter for "wife desiring sex" would be left off of the list. It seems to me that Dr. Harley's approach is mostly behavioral. You can't "measure" your wife's desire, so you'll never know if/when she's doing it. The things on this list should be "measurable" behaviors so she knows exactly what to do, and you'll know when it happens.

Then I could see Dr. Harley sitting down with your wife and picking some of the things off of your list and having her consciously incorporate them into her day. As with his approach to affection, if your wife decides that something on the list is too unpleasant (it sounds like OS might fit in this category), then she can substitute other things from the list. As with the affection process, it might feel forced and uncomfortable at the beginning, but if you will affirm and reinforce her efforts (http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_habit.html), while doing your part to meet her EN's and avoid LB's, then maybe you can work together with your wife to figure this out.

This post is rather long and seems to stray from what I am driving at, but the point is made at the end. I hope it helps someone..



I get this, and can see exactly what you mean. My late wife said the same words, and it baffled me because in my "porn-star",(lol love that description btw), mindest, it was a way to give everything I had to give her pleasure. Of course it had to do with my drive, desparation, and insecurity, that I would go to such extremes. I was not going to leave one stone unturned in that area. I knew and agreed it was not "clean" in the highest respect, but the expression of that extreme was to me a desire to please, Subconciously, I think it was a way for me to make up for other areas I struggled with that would make the intimacy emotionally more real. In fact I knew that what I really wanted was her to desire me in every way, and sexually submit and be willing to give everything herself. She seemed to enjoy OS, but still it must have been mixed with other emotions and just plain stimulation.

She had like everyone does a standard of what she desired to turn her on. Acts, (other than plainly physical), were important to be stimulated. Enviroment was also important to openess and trust. Just like me if I am honest. Yes there was the hormonal time of the month where she would shoot me a mischievuos look and she responded and wanted sex, but there were times her desire went thru the roof also and she was really hot for me. OS was just a stimulating factor as foreplay, the real desire was as allways, more in her heart. My desire was to meet her desire and one of the rewards and signs of security was her wanting me.

It would have been a short-lived but welcome relief, to have her say to me once. "I am yours, you can do anything you want to my body, and for her to want me to passionalty. But of course, There were limits to what I would do to her or ask of her, I really did understand that was a drive and need for submission that came from a form of insecurity, and what could be done in the heat of passion, would possibly degrade our relationship sexually. I would have regretted forcing her to do anything she didn't want to, and might regret after, even though that could have been blamed on the "heat of the moment", and I wondered why she didn't sucumb to that as much as I did. As Many people can probbaly attest to, there were times when they might have went to far in something, but they see it as part of desire and a learning experience. Of course those things are deeply personel. I left me feeling like a pervert much of the time, because she rarely opened up that way even in the smallest, and my efforts for that total submission, were not dirty and abusive, to me they were an example of just that, submission of our bodies to each other. Both to pleasure and fufillment.

What was our problem mostly was that thier were unrealistic expectations mixed with a level of mistrust becuase of a lack of openess and honesty on both parts. It seemed I could not do enough to make her happy and relaxed all the time, and it showed. She was not happy with herself and put to many wieghts also upon what she thought would make her satisfied and happy. We had this in common, as I tried ever increasingly to meet her emotional needs, however unrealistic and out of balance they were, beliveing that this was what I was supposed to do, as I trusted that it would only make me stronger.

A short history as to what I arributed as to our relationship blind spots and why I sought out ways to please my wife.

Reckless abandon was no stranger to my wife. When she drank before she let down the barriers, and was more aggresive sexually. Once I saw she was an alcoholic though, I realized there were other reasons she needed to shut off her mind, in order to do anything sexual by drinking. Sex didn't mean much to me if she had to get popped to desire it, but the women behind the alcohol was amazing, and even if she had some problems I was sure we could figure them out, with time and patience and understanding. She would binge on drink, and put the world behind, and bounce back like nothing happened, even in the wake of much destruction to others and her own health. She didn't drink to have sex, but anything was on the table when she got drunk, because that set her free.

She had spent years at a Bible colledge, getting over emotionally her experiences as a child, and was a very intelligent beautiful young women. she wanted all the good things in life, a family and a Christian husband that was good to her, that she was in love with, and considered being a wife and mother the highest form of honor. Her dreams of having a farm/orphanage to help children who were not loved and cared for as God wanted struck a deep cord in me, as these were also very high aspirations I had also, because what I had seen what had happened to children, and experienced the fog of misunderstanding myself. That was what I saw as who this women was. As I got to know her, it seemed that if I could not give her what she needed, I didn't deserve anyone.

But as I saw that she was emotionally damaged, and she hid herself in denial I thought it was because at one time in her life, she had given up to the numbness of alcohol. I encouraged her to seek counsel, but she would rather have the escape, the past didn't matter she said, but she was living under some guilt complex verified that she was blinding also, because she had been so twisted by her parents and her need to save them. Her conscience could not be freed, until she performed enough as a human being.

That is a result of children who are brought up under severe alcohic parents. They have so much responsibilty, to save everything, that it can overwhelm them. Her reaction was to make herself a better person, but inside she was haunted emotionally by the feeling she could never do enough, and shoudn't let herself off the hook ever, until that exploded into escape into drink. She attacked her shortcomings head on with God, but the feeling were still there, she could never be good enough to let go.

What was really crucial in our marraige was the two years after I seperated with her becuase of her drinking. When we got back together she was a changed woman. Many of the practices of MB were applied during that time of separation, and although she had went back to church, and did not drink as much or at all mostly, she was well aware of her behavior as leading to the cause of my leaving. When I came back she was still off center as to what was important for healing, as she still would not go to AA or admit she had a problem with thimking or triggers. Sexually though she was allways desiring me, and it was becuase I was going to make all her dreams come true. It was what those dreams were that were the problem. Although heady and good things, how to get there were vastly different than my idea of how they should or could be done. she had astronomical aspirations that I though we would work out over time, with truth and God on our side. The following ten years she did not drink, but still was haunted by these things she thought she needed to acomplish, in order to be free.


I was to her the representation of her highest aspirations. I would bring her respectability, and prove to the people that hurt her by rejection, and thier values, that she was worthy of respect. She was on a mission to prove them wrong, as well as convince them of her value. This had little to do with what her real value was, it was what she percieved emotionally. As long as this emotional rejection from others was satisfied by her criteria, that she was right and they were wrong, and that she could say to herself that they will see someday, and added to that when she would hear praise from them in small ways, she was satisfied. She could not see that this was a form of bitterness, and came from rejection, from people who were falible, and belived what they wanted to, as all people do.

She wanted to save everybody, but couldn't save herself. I just wanted to save myself, and my family, seeing before God as my greatest acomplishment and priority, the rest would be gravy. Most of her focus was on what other people thought, because that is what she felt. She was very intuitive and sensitive, a beautiful example of Gods creation of womenhood. I just filled a role in her life, and I could see it wasn't enough for her, and she wasn't satisfied with what I gave, just as she wasn't satisfied with herself. The roles are another whole disscusion, but suffice it to say, I did everything to provide a safe and solid enviroment for her, and included her in everything as it should be, before God as my witness and guide. It was very difficult to point out she had emotional trouble and I had to point out how much I loved her and how fantastic she was with the kids and everyone she helped. She did not like to be proven wrong, and took it as an insult to her character. After all, she was sacrificing so much. You are free to read between the lines in how that felt to me.


So that was my experience and example of a troubled relationship where fears and misunderstanding played a big part in the emotional issues of sexual intimacy. The point being it was more than the act, it was what was important behind it. The emotions and perceptions of values placed upon ourselves.

But to the more scientific people who are reading this, maybe you can benifet from how she acted sexually, once she started to abuse heroin, when she lost a few members of her family, after she had started drinking again. she had been sober for 10 years

I knew something was up in her behavior, but saw it as more of her IB, and didn't recognize the heroin abuse she was using as a coping tool. She was using very small amounts, and although I could allways spot it when she drank even one beer,(it would show becuase she would not look in my eyes and would get very defensive), the combination of her justification and how differently it effected her along with the samll doses made me think she was just going through a phase.

During the two years she hid it from me it slowly changed her. She was hanging around with someone I did not trust more, and she asked me also how to give head. It seemed that she was becoming more agressive sexually also. I was so worn down and at that point was just happy we were still together, for the kids and hoping she would hit bottom again, and seek help for all of our sakes, that I was pretty hopeless inside. I was just surviving, waiting for a miracle, a broken man. I had become compacent, still working a job I had no business doing physically, and studying to get a better one, I had faith that someday all that work would pay off and I could do whatever it was that would bring our family back. I had allways been the workhorse, and I pushed myself allways as that is what men do, at least that was how I was raised. She allways gave me kudos for how hard I worked and provided, but she missed the point that she was allways more important than things. Her health and happiness meant more than anything, as did it the children also.

As the heroin convinced her what she was doing was right, and freed her up to live like she wanted, what she would do and experience sexually was opened up also. The abandon of all the behavior she had at one time as correct, and would bring her to a place of self-respect and peace, was a release from inhibition. The drug slowly transformed her thinking, and took down boundaries of protection, ones that held back the anger and aggression she had a right to feel towards those that abused her, and she no longer wished to forgive so long ago. What she had experienced twisted her, and was winning, as she welcomed the madness, with open arms now. Now I represented limitation and oppression, the very things I allways wanted to free her from.

She felt it was important to forgive and understand those that hurt her, I thought that it was our priority to take care of ourselves first, and is allways the greatest responsiblity, of everyone. What I found so difficult, was she did not abandon the people who had hurt her, and leave them to live in the bed thay made for themselves, and concentrate on our family. She left so much up in the air, and never truly hated what those people did to her, before forgiving them, so she could realize when they drew her back in to how they thought, or what they allowed, in thier unhealty lifestyles. I sought a new and independant life from destructive past thoughts or emotions, anyone who represented them could go the He11 in a handbasket as far as I was concerned. I hated her family, and the ignorance and selfishness they represent, I forgive them for being idiots, but I can't for the effect they had on my wife. It had everything to do with where she derived her emotional needs that also led to her destruction.

But back to the science, of understanding those needs and thier source, and how they apply to freedom in life and sexual expression. Even the misunderstood needs that have been trnsformed into unrealistic expectations, can bring forth responses of freedom emotionally. If like in the case of my wives heroin abuse, where she felt free to do whatever she pleased and was set free from inhibition from false doctrine and the struggle to understand herself that she refused to do and waited for miracles that would never come in the way she wanted them. The needs were still there, and she responded to them before she did drugs. It was the thoughts and emotions behind her beliefs that sparked and fed the emotional center of her brain. Her real life expectations could not be met so she turned to the escape of drugs to fill those needs.

Those needs have to be satisfied, she is not the first to turn to other ways to fill them, and she won't be the last either. Exploring those needs in each other, and fufilling them is the responsibility of marriage. Whether you hone them to realistic blessings or feed a fantasy, it will determine your desire for the one that fills them. Thats just how it works, and it is up to each of us to examine ourselves, and make ourselves accountable, that the needs are real and possible to meet for the other.

That takes Radical Open and Honest communication, especially when we are opening our hearts in places no one else has access to, and baring our souls.


Yes, he had not met your needs in critical areas. Totally undertandable.



My wife was also HD, when she was convinced things were being met by me. She saw me as being part of what made her happy. She desired that oneness and enjoyed it also, feeling valued. Reguardless of why or what needs and dreams she felt were being met. Her desire was high.



I found that those times when I was wanted, to be times when I didn't feel the need to perform as much in that area. Also many times after really having knowing she wanted me while having sex, I would think even more about fufilling her needs. It would strengthen me to go out and win the world for her. Many time working late into the night, after allready having sex, to get that house, to buy that vacation I wanted to take her on, for the future that we both dreamed about.



As it should be IMO, as it has been said before, men are in charge of making it happen and fufilling the wives needs, ussually first before they can expect closeness and submission. Its a woman built in protection that the more aggresive male loves them, before they respond.


So knowing she has needs that are not being filled Cemar, do you think you can work with her to explore them? Your in charge, that what you want right? To be in charge and be rewarded by her desire to please you? Like TT says, you start the engines, get her in on it.

ConstantProcess:

If a woman desires to meet her husbands needs because she loves him, is that sexual desire to you? I guess I am wondering why all the focus on love, and no focus sexual desire.

Most normal (yes I used the word normal) women cannot completely separate love and sexual desire...they are intertwined. And honestly, I have to wonder about a man who wants sexual desire WITHOUT love....isn't that kind of like what one does with a prostitute?

Are you saying you don't want your wife's love, you just want her to be horny?

They are different parts. Yes it could be purely sexual, but like Tawanda says, you can get that from any horny women with something to prove.

Desiring to meet your sexual needs, even if they are more hormonal that hers, may or may not equal sexual desire at the time. There are just times when it kicks in, and times where it doesn't.

You have to come to grips with the fact your hormonal and security needs in the sexual department are more than hers. Give her a chance to meet them, as you meet her other needs that you don't find, as important.

Your two different people, embrace that. Your needs will allways be different and more intense in some areas, where in some maybe equal. There are a lot of emotional needs. Get to work figuring them out, and understanding each others. That may take some time and work, but over-reacting to one need and blowing it out of proportion, with out talking to each other about them, is a recipe for disaster.

Put both of your needs down on paper, start meeting each others, and validate them weekly. I think you will find a lot of Mens sexual needs are wrapped up in security. Nothing wrong with that by God, not at all, but maybe she will se how important it is.

What kept my wife and I together when all other needs were not being met, was pure DS. It was not what it could be.

Absolutely agree!

Maybe she does find you sexually desirable, and your mouth and attitude screw it up.

Ever think of that?

I have never said that I want sexual desire without love. I also do not want love without sexual desire. I want BOTH.

Tawandabelle:

Actually, I find the opposite to be true. I love my wife and I desire my wife. You ALWAYS have to have both. Lack of desire means LACK of love. What I see in women is that they can easily love, and desire is NOT connected to love. In many cases, desire is not even possible, and yet they LOVE. Sexua desire is not really even aobut sex, its about the way you relate to your own sexuality. It completgely controls EVERYTHING about a womans personality, and they don't understand this.

THAT is ccontradictory, don't you think? I love my friends, very much, so much that I tell them I love them whenever I get the chance. Do I want to have sex with them? No.



Cemar, are you a woman? I'm asking this because you seem to think you know exactly how a woman's mind works.

You honestly don't. To be perfectly blunt, you don't know anything about how a woman's mind works. If you did, you wouldn't be in this situation.

A woman ALWAYS connects sex with emotions. ALWAYS, Cemar. The only ones that don't are prostitutes. AND do you honestly think they're going to desire you without the money? It's called acting. Porn is all acting.

I'm HD, I've said this before. When I'm happy and feeling loved, I feel confident. Confidence makes me feel desirable, special. If I'm not happy and not feeling loved, I feel ugly and cranky.

I don't look like a model. My H makes me feel like one when he loves me. When he doesn't, I feel like the overweight woman I am.

His love and attention makes me glow, feel wonderful, makes me HAPPY.

It's simple Cemar, quit complaining and DO SOMETHING to change the situation.

A happy wife = a desiring wife, when she feels good emotionally, the physical barriers don't matter that much.

TickyTock:

So tell me, what can I do that will cause my wifes sexual desire to actually increase.