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Joined: Feb 2011
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Someone else had a thread about exposing an affair and the advice given was to expose.

So, that being said. I need help devising a plan. I have a girlfriend who is NOT married, but has been in a relationship and living with a man for the past several years.

His work schedule is hectic, so he often stays in a city a few hours away and doesn't come home for a couple days at a time. He is a rescue volunteer as well as an HVAC guy, so he stays at the fire house a lot during the week to cut back on the commute.

While, I have no physical proof of her having an affair. I know what she has told me. I DO personally know of one EA (over the internet) that has been going off and on for a few years. She's told me of a few PAs that have happened during that past too. I know she sends questionable photos to men on the internet as well.

Now, the problem is, she can embellish the truth a bit. And I'm afraid, without any HARD evidence, this man will simply ignore what I have to say and most likely say it's me trying to get the heat off myself, since they know that my affair has been exposed. Or at least, that's what I'm telling myself.

How should I go about telling the man? Do I get hard evidence, then present to him? Do I just simply tell him, you need to keep an eye on her? Do I direct him here?


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I wouldn't involve myself at all since they are not married. If they were planning on getting married, I might warn him that she cheats on him. Living together is a short term arrangement until something better comes along - very different from marriage.

Check this out: Compatibility Test or Curse? Living Together Before Marriage


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Really? He doesn't deserve to know she may be putting him at risk? Just because they're not married?


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I would...only so he can get away and find someone who will love him.

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Opinion:

Boston- you should have one final face-to-face conversation with her.

You should tell your friend that your friendship is now over.

"We can no longer be friends because we have such different values."

You should tell your friend that you value honesty in your friendships, and you know she is a dishonest woman.

"Since I know you are willing to lie to your boyfriend, I recognize you are capable of lying to me."

You should tell her your views on cheating.

"I value faithfulness in intimate relationships. You do not."

You should tell her that, if she values her friendship with you, the only way to remain friends is for her to confess her affairs to her boyfriend and become an honest woman.

"Until you are honest with him about your cheating, we shall not be friends."

It is most likely she will dump you before she chooses to live an honest life. But, at least you will know where you stand with her, and visa versa.

After she gets mad and stomps off, you are free to call her boyfriend to set up a face-to-face, and tell him why you ended your friendship with his girlfriend.

"I had to end our friendship because she is being dishonest and I require honesty in my friends. She is also being dishonest with you."

This is, MY OPINION.

Good luck !

EDIT to add:
You may want to consider having a voice recorder on you when you discuss this with your friend.

Last edited by Pepperband; 03/25/11 12:43 PM.
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BL, I think it makes sense to speak w/ your friend openly and honestly, doing your best to avoid your high horse re: infidelity smile . After you talk w/ her, I'd say you've done your duty. You have bigger fish to fry. If I may offer my unsolicited opinion:

I haven't followed your situation; however, I did just want to give a word of caution. Within a few months of D-day, I was actively reading and posting here on MB. I would discuss things w/ my BH, and so many times I wanted to jump right in and give all sorts of great advice. My BH reminded me that perhaps I should be taking care of myself and my M first before taking on the "rescue" of so many others.

You know what? He was exactly right. I say this not to be hurtful, but to share: your D-day is sooo recent that there's no way you have your head on straight, and there's still so much to grasp in all of this. You may be well on your way, but it's a loooong process.

As I realized/realize that, I personally try to direct my energies to my marriage and situation first before expending them on others. (I still struggle w/ this, it's not always easy.) I don't mean that to be callous, either, just that right now that's rescue is the most important one.

It's great that you want to battle infidelity - just take care of the homefront first.

Last edited by Mrs_Vanilla; 03/25/11 12:53 PM. Reason: undid previous edit (I think...)

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Mrs Vanilla makes some GREAT points !
Re-read her post a few more times.

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Pep, that's a good suggestion. At this point, I'm not even sure I care that the friendship continues.

MrsV, what you said about taking care of the homefront is what BH and I have discussed already. I don't want to give them advice, I am not an expert by ANY means on this whole thing. But he should have the information to make his own choice, right?

I dunno. After seeing what I did to my own BH, it's just hard to know that she's doing the same type of thing to him.

I know I am not any better than she is. But I have owned up to my fault. I am keeping my nose in line, and quite frankly this whole thread has made me realize I just don't need her as a friend. May not be the answer I was looking for, but it was an answer none the less smile

Last edited by BostonLover; 03/25/11 12:58 PM.

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Originally Posted By: BostonLover


Pep, that's a good suggestion. At this point, I'm not even sure I care that the friendship continues.



Boston, it's not important that this friendship continues.
What IS important is you standing up for yourself and eliminating liars from your circle of trust.

This is mostly about YOU and YOUR character after your adultery.

You being honest.
You being brave.
You doing the right thing especially when it is difficult or unpopular.

This is character-building for you.
To hell with your friend.
This is about you.
Your primary concern is recovery of your personal integrity as well as your marriage.
Determining your values, making them a priority, and protection of things/attributes which have value to you.

Be the woman you admire the most.
Such a woman does not shy away from telling a friend when she has toilet paper stuck to her shoe.
Such a woman will tell a friend when her conduct is so wrong that your friendship cannot continue "as is".


I hope I've made myself clear.
My opinion/advice was intended to improve your character.

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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
Originally Posted By: BostonLover


Pep, that's a good suggestion. At this point, I'm not even sure I care that the friendship continues.



Boston, it's not important that this friendship continues.
What IS important is you standing up for yourself and eliminating liars from your circle of trust.

This is mostly about YOU and YOUR character after your adultery.

You being honest.
You being brave.
You doing the right thing especially when it is difficult or unpopular.

This is character-building for you.
To hell with your friend.
This is about you.
Your primary concern is recovery of your personal integrity as well as your marriage.
Determining your values, making them a priority, and protection of things/attributes which have value to you.

Be the woman you admire the most.
Such a woman does not shy away from telling a friend when she has toilet paper stuck to her shoe.
Such a woman will tell a friend when her conduct is so wrong that your friendship cannot continue "as is".


I hope I've made myself clear.
My opinion/advice was intended to improve your character.




Toxic friendships feed toxic attitudes, toxic beliefs, toxic relationships, and toxic marriages.

Unless this friend has some real pull in your life, probably best to address it like a tumor - cut it out and keep walking.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand
[

Toxic friendships feed toxic attitudes, toxic beliefs, toxic relationships, and toxic marriages.



AGree with this. I don't surround myself with liars and cheaters. They are not good friend material. Anyone would tolerate ME while I am lying and cheating is no friend either.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: HoldHerHand

Toxic friendships feed toxic attitudes, toxic beliefs, toxic relationships, and toxic marriages.

Unless this friend has some real pull in your life, probably best to address it like a tumor - cut it out and keep walking.


That's kind of where I'm heading with this. I do have a commitment to travel with her next month. It was going to be just her and I, but I told BH about her behavior and asked him to go with me. He is now going on the trip with us. Whether she likes it or not.

She has said I've changed since the discovery of my A (of which she wasn't aware of until after my BH) Well OF COURSE I HAVE. I'm trying to become a better person. I'm not spending the time I was with her on the phone or via email like I was before, I'm spending that time where it belongs, with my BH. She insists that BH has me on a leash, to which I said, no I'm staying within my boundaries.

BH and I talked about this again this afternoon, and I'm going to start drafting a letter to her about why I can no longer remain friends with her and give it to her after our trip. Which is only two weeks away. There are just too many character flaws that I've been slowly seeing, that I hadn't seen before.


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Originally Posted By: BostonLover
After seeing what I did to my own BH, it's just hard to know that she's doing the same type of thing to him.


BostonLover, when you've recovered from the effects of infidelity, I think you'll find yourself a lot less tolerant of being friends or even being in the company of other persons that are practicing it. Comes with the territory.

Both Pepperband and Ms. Vinalla have good points. I believe too that the boyfriend needs to be informed - he's the party that's being injured here.


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Originally Posted By: BostonLover
She has said I've changed since the discovery of my A (of which she wasn't aware of until after my BH) Well OF COURSE I HAVE. I'm trying to become a better person. I'm not spending the time I was with her on the phone or via email like I was before, I'm spending that time where it belongs, with my BH. She insists that BH has me on a leash, to which I said, no I'm staying within my boundaries.


redflag

A real friend would be happy for you to have a restored marriage.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR

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