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Originally Posted By: Purplealligator

Other than the inability to expose and the harasment from the OW, things are much better. Our relationship doesn't feel touch-and-go and this point.


PA,

Your WH is happy because he is continuing the A with the OW...

The only version of what is actually going on at work is...

HIS version of what hapens at work.

His needs are being fulfilled happily by TWO women...

Why SHOULD HE NOT be happy???

He is perfectly content to continue to lie to you and throw you scraps if he can continue his A with the OW.

The only time HE is upset is when you threaten his contact with the OW. crazy

What does that tell you?

Jim


FWW 48 had EA and PA affair with my brother which ended in 2006. Me BH 53. Happily recovering with a new and better marriage through MB!!! My thread - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2110024#Post2110024
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Originally Posted By: Purplealligator
I'm so stressed. I feel stuck. I can't stand not telling OW's husband about this - he deserves to know the truth - but I can't risk WH's life. And I can't ruin a career that he's worked so hard to build in order to take care of our family.


BTW, no your H risked his job and OWH's anger all by himself. Do NOT shield your H from facing the consquences of his A.


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Originally Posted By: Purplealligator
Alright, I have a new problem (don't they ever stop coming???). I was going to call OW's husband, but I just learned that he is a jealous military sniper who has been in live combat, actually killed people, and suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder in which he occassionally has a 'break' from reality!


PA, I have been reading MB threads for over a year. Honestly, almost every single OW's husband is a psycho maniac of some variety who is going to mutulate WH and possibly BS too. I would not give this much credence.


ME: BW
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The info on OW's Husband didn't come from OW or WH, it's from a third party who is compltely removed from the situation. An old buddy of OW's H who was willing to talk way too openly about him with little in the way of my prodding. If I didn't love WH enough to keep him out of danger, then saving the marriage would be moot. I'm not trying to negate the good advice you guys are giving, I just feel this is one of those times when you have to veer slightly from the suggested regime. Maybe that's just denial, but that's how I see it right now. I will reevaluate in a few more days when hopefully my head will be somewhat clearer.

I also have another question that maybe someone can answer from experience. When I first learned about the A, I couldn't imagine ever wanting to be intimate with WH again. The thought was repulsive. But the next morning I was working through it and feeling needy, and of all the things I thought I'd never do, I slept with him - fewer than 12 hours after I found out. Afterwards, we felt better about working things out, but his frustration and guilt combined with my anger and hurt got in the way and we fought more.... then slept together again, felt better, fought, learned about more A's.... then slept together again. It's a ridiculous cycle that makes no sense to me, but honestly it's the best sex we've ever had. Is this part of meeting each others desperate need to feel connected at this point?? Has anyone done something similar? Did it help/hurt?


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Jim, I really have thought about it from the standpoint you're showing me. It makes all the sense in the world. I did some more snooping, though, adn actually found messages he sent to another friend explaining that it was over with the OW and he should never have let it happen.

Planted evidence??


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yes..sounds like he is being smarter and the A is going more underground. Unless he establishes NO CONTACT the A is still going.

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Originally Posted By: Purplealligator

I also have another question that maybe someone can answer from experience. When I first learned about the A, I couldn't imagine ever wanting to be intimate with WH again. The thought was repulsive. But the next morning I was working through it and feeling needy, and of all the things I thought I'd never do, I slept with him - fewer than 12 hours after I found out. Afterwards, we felt better about working things out, but his frustration and guilt combined with my anger and hurt got in the way and we fought more.... then slept together again, felt better, fought, learned about more A's.... then slept together again. It's a ridiculous cycle that makes no sense to me, but honestly it's the best sex we've ever had. Is this part of meeting each others desperate need to feel connected at this point?? Has anyone done something similar? Did it help/hurt?


PA, I think I've seen it referred to as hyper-bonding or something like that. It certainly helped WH & I bond and fall back in love.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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pokerface #2492560 03/25/11 01:41 PM
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Thanks, pokerface, I was worried I was just completely flinging myself in the wrong direction with that.


Me (26)
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He cheated 2007 - 3/2011
I found out 3/2011

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Originally Posted By: Purplealligator
I just feel this is one of those times when you have to veer slightly from the suggested regime. Maybe that's just denial, but that's how I see it right now. I will reevaluate in a few more days when hopefully my head will be somewhat clearer.


Does anyone have the quote about the path to recovery being a long and narrow path?


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I am going to bow out of your thread. I won't help posters who refuse to expose to the OPS. That is inexcusable as he is a victim of your H and OW's affiar, just like you.

The risk of retaliation by the OPS is always there regardless of the mental history. The two cases I can think of that the BS attacked the OP in my four years here, there was no history of mental problems.

Besides, almost every time the BS doesn't expose to the OPS, the A ends up continuing (as you can see as the OW is still pursuing your H). So I don't see much hope for the A to end here. Good luck!

Last edited by SusieQ; 03/25/11 02:14 PM.

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SusieQ #2492671 03/25/11 04:28 PM
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Pa, this is your marriage. We don't have to live it. You have to do the upfront work to end this A and it can be hard - we know that. But you are throwing away what is likely your most important tool: exposure to WH's employer and OW's H. I'm not sure how you're going to fare but will keep an eye on your thread. Good luck.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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PA,

Do you really believe that OW would be carrying on with your WH if her own husband was as dangerous and unstable as you are led to believe? No way. She would be too afraid of him.

Wouldn't you want OW husband to tell you if he knew and you didn't. Would it not bother you to find out that everyone knew but YOU?

Do you think OW husband will never find out? Sooner or later he will find out - what then. Are you going to be fearful for WH life forever? Didn't you yourself become aware of WH affair from 3 yrs ago because an annon. person contacted you just recently? How do you know that this will happen to OW husband?

As things are, OW is free to pursue your WH at her own whim and as you know - she is persisting. Do you think WH is strong enough to resist? What does history show you?

OW husband needs to know not only because "it is the right thing to do" but also because you need him to be watching OW. He may even demand that she leave that job.

OW husband's deserves to know... just as you deserve to know.


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Originally Posted By: Purplealligator
The info on OW's Husband didn't come from OW or WH, it's from a third party who is compltely removed from the situation. An old buddy of OW's H who was willing to talk way too openly about him with little in the way of my prodding. If I didn't love WH enough to keep him out of danger, then saving the marriage would be moot. I'm not trying to negate the good advice you guys are giving, I just feel this is one of those times when you have to veer slightly from the suggested regime. Maybe that's just denial, but that's how I see it right now. I will reevaluate in a few more days when hopefully my head will be somewhat clearer.

\
You don't love your H very much if you are planning on protecting him from the consequences of his behavior. That is not "love," that is enabling. BIG DIFFERENCE. This is NOT one of those times where the advice is different. This affair is very unlikely to end if you don't tell the OW's H. You also have to consider that it is immoral to not tell him.

This man is being harmed behind his back by your husband and his wife. He can't very well protect himself if he doesn't know. He is much more likely to come after your H if he finds out on his own and you will have NO control over when that happens.

Your H will never recover from his wayward mentality until his victim is informed of his crime against him. That is part and parcel of his personal recovery.

Keep in mind, the OWH is the victim here, not your mean husband. He needs to be told the truth about the affair.

You hurt yourself, your husband, and the OM by keeping this secret from your H's victim. NO ONE benefits except the AFFAIR. And why would you want to protect the affair unless you want to become an accessory to the crime?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2492731 03/25/11 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
You hurt yourself, your husband, and the OM by keeping this secret from your H's victim. NO ONE benefits except the AFFAIR. And why would you want to protect the affair unless you want to become an accessory to the crime?

I will tell you, from experience with my own non-disclosure, that you are giving the OW your blessing to keep sleeping with your husband. You are also giving your H permission to keep hurting her H and children. You are aiding and abetting this abuse, my dear.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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