What, exactly, are you talking about here? Are you still talking about the water being shut off?

I admitted in the conversation (you can see in the transcript above) that I was wrong to not be honest with Prisca, where I said "It's not right for me to withhold information from you."

I've never once had Dr. Harley or our MB coach encourage me to consider any DJ Prisca reported to me as anything other than a DJ.

WHAT DJ are you talking about???

I'm still not clear...this is getting very convoluted. If it's her asking you a question, that is not a DJ, IMO.

In that sentence I'm just asking about the concept in general.

It sounds to me like you are advocating that I take blame for everything in every situation.

I don't want to continue to discuss the water shutoff with Prisca and it seems that doing so would be one of the enemies of good conversation. Maybe I'm just really confused on what Marriage Builders advocates here. I recognize that most people agree that me not paying the water bill was reprehensible. But if we've already established that I was at fault for that and it was wrong, why would we need to keep talking about it?

My understanding was that Prisca and I were talking about any resentment I felt or expressed yesterday, and any DJs I felt that she committed.

I feel that "I never know about these things" is a DJ. It's hyperbolic, and it truly assigns more blame to me than belongs to me.

It was my understanding that we are supposed to avoid "always" and "never" statements about our spouse, to avoid committing DJs.

Oh good grief. I think you use any excuse to quit talking to her when you don't like the way it is going.

It was my understanding that in Marriage Builders it is paramount for conversation to be pleasant for both husband and wife and that it should always stop when one doesn't like where it is going.

Markos ~ pardon me for saying this but you come off as very self-righteous. First you lied to us about it, then it was VERY hard for you to admit you were wrong and now, when trying to come up with a solution, you side-step taking responsibility for this by trying to say her question was a DJ. It looks like blameshifting from my POV. I still don't think her question was a DJ. "When do I do that?" isn't a DJ, unless I'm missing something here.

Now...if it's all cleared up AND you have a solution in place AND you have SINCERELY (key word here) apologized, then no...there is probably no reason to bring it up.

However, it seems that it was brought up because Prisca felt you were resentful about something ~ she didn't just bring it up to beat you over the head with it. She is trying to clear up some resentment.

To tell you the truth, I am having a hard time seeing why you are upset over this water bill and your AO AT ALL. Prisca has every right to be upset, you have NONE.

YOU were wrong and THEN you had a huge, ugly AO. You were wrong AGAIN. Then you try to say she is DJing you when she is clearly upset about your lack of care. I'm still not seeing the DJs and I can't tell if that's because they're not being described clearly or they're just not there.

My suggestion is to SINCERELY apologize for EVERYTHING. See if her DJs disappear. Act humble and remorseful. DO what you say you are going to do, every time.

There's really no reason to talk about it anymore. Actions are more important than words, so stop talking about the past and just DO the right thing from here on out.

Markos, do you truly not see the manipulation here???

Really, truly?

Of COURSE you aren't going to like a conversation that says "you hurt my feelings, this is how". You don't just say "Sorry, I don't like the way this is going, I'm out."

Common sense here, Markos...

I think you are mixing issues. I didn't think we were talking about the water bill, we were just talking about yesterday's conversation because Prisca felt I was resentful. This was not a conversation to try to solve the water bill issue. We've talked about that and have a solution in place for that.

Ok...you are right. It was a DJ when you told her you were not resentful and she insisted you were.

As long as you were being honest about not being resentful ~ it's very easy to passive aggressively act resentful about something but when asked about it, say "Who me, resentful? Nahhhh.....", all the while giving the silent treatment/making snide remarks, etc.

KWIM? I am not saying you did that, just suggesting that everyone be aware of doing that because it's a common marriage "dance". This is why RH is so important.

That wasn't what the conversation was about. She wanted to know how my feelings were hurt; she asked about my resentment.

MarriedForever, I don't know how to tell you this, but Prisca and I were doing great until you advised her to ask me about my resentment!

Yes, I was certainly being completely honest.

On her thread, she said "What should I do?" in regards to your preceived resentment. I didn't just pull it out of my *ss.

Being RH means she asks you if she believes there is a problem and it means you answer truthfully.

Sheesh. I don't think you like RH much more than she does. She isn't going to feel safe asking about your feelings if this is your attitude.

And FTR...SHE didn't appear to be doing "great" if she was feeling resentment from you, now did she?

I'm sorry, MarriedForever, that last comment from me was very unfair. Thank you for the help you've been offering. I think we all had a misunderstanding. When Prisca is talking about resentment, I don't think it's that she perceived resentment. And she told me at the beginning of our conversation that I didn't appear to be acting resentful today.

We had spectacular conversation all day long. I took her statement about resentment on my part to be an expression of care and concern on her part for me. I could be wrong.

Apology accepted.

Markos, when you have conversations with your wife, are you looking for the LBs she is committing? It seems that you have picked up on the 2 key words, which I have seen repeated here as obvious signs that the speaker is committing a DJ. What do YOU do when you hear Prisca say, "....never....." or "....always..."? What is YOUR reaction?

Also, during your transcribed conversation, you admitted that you don't often tell Prisca about things because you are worried about her reaction. Do you have any plans to stop this behaviour?

I don't like it, as it's an incorrect, judgmental generalization. It really bothers me to hear it. The first thing I notice is how it makes me feel, the next thing I notice is the specific words used; I have a lot more understanding now about why certain comments or phrases bother me and how to explain why they bother me. A little over a year ago I couldn't have even identified most DJs but I sure knew when something bothered me.

Fault-finding bothers me a lot, too. For example last year I was scared to negotiate the sale of our old house because a lot of conversations around it seemed to boil down to Prisca telling me how it was my fault the house was not sold. Frankly I felt like it was her fault the house was not sold, but I don't believe I ever told her so. I just wanted to make a plan to sell it that would make us both happy. We did, and it is now on the market.


Specific plans I don't know; I know that eventually we will get to the dishonesty lesson if we keep working the program.

Things I have done:
Tell Prisca things anyway even when I am worried about how she will react
Admit that I am responsible for being honest no matter what her reaction is

It's good that you are aware how a DJ can make you feel. I may not have worded my question correctly, "What do you DO when you hear Prisca use never or always?"

I see, I thought you were asking something else.

Usually one of the following:

Our coach told us the best strategy was to simply note them on our DJ worksheet for the week. We've talked about starting to use the worksheets again. Prisca hasn't accepted my worksheets in the past, and that's been a point of resentment for me.

I have told her "It bothers me for you to say that" and "It offends me for you to say that," both of which are suggestions from Dr. Harley. He also suggests that if asked why, the response be simply "Because I find it disrespectful." I have backed off from saying things like this because often Prisca has responded by challenging me as to whether or not a remark really was disrespectful. So the other thing I have done is to simply request to end the conversation or request a timeout.

I've also tried changing the subject.