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Well despite my best efforts my wife created a situation where divorce was the only option.

My question is how does one walk away from someone you have loved with all your heart for 26 years and is the mother of your 5 children? How do you move on and say "I am going my own way and you yours, you are just too toxic"?

We have been apart a little over 2 months. I am standing fairly strong on my own. It is just hard to leave a person that I care deeply about. Not that there is a choice, it is the emotional departure that I'm speaking of.

Can anyone share the process they went through dealing with this massive life change?

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I haven't been very active posting on this site other than my SAA thread, but I have studied all the principles of this site and have spent some time every day for months reading threads (many many hours) on this forum. I feel as though I "know" many of you. This site and forum has been an immeasurable help to me in getting through this failed marriage.

Last edited by pdc; 03/24/11 11:57 AM.
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pdc, I am so sorry this happened to you. The truth is, you will heal at your own pace, and unfortunately you will never heal completely from this. How could you? Things will never be as they were before you were together.

Two months is virtually nothing in the grand scheme of things. You will be years finding a place to put this, and that's okay. Try to focus on the good things you do still have (5 kids!), your work, your home, your friends, and whatever else you like to do.

And it's okay if you still love her. You cannot allow her to hurt you anymore, but don't waste energy trying to stop loving her. That is part of who you are and it will only fade in its own good time, if it ever really fades at all.

Just take one day at a time and feel free to talk to us here. I am going on three years alone and I do understand what you are saying.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Thanks for the response Mulan. I know that 2 months is nothing. Although where I am emotionally today compared to 2 months ago, evn 2 weeks ago is remarkable. I am finding joy in life again. I am spending less and less time preoccupied with thoughts about this whole mess.

I really relate to the below song. The author wrote this when his marriage failed. I am finding love within my family and light in my life. I have a long way to go but I'm ok.


Fascist Architecture

Fascist architecture of my own design
Too long been keeping my love confined
You tore me out of myself alive

Those fingers drawing out blood like sweat
While the magnificent facades crumble and burn
The billion facets of brilliant love
The billion facets of freedom turning in the light

Bloody nose and burning eyes
Raised in laughter to the skies
I've been in trouble but I'm ok
Been through the wringer but I'm ok
Walls are falling and I'm ok
Under the mercy and I'm ok

Gonna tell my old lady
Gonna tell my little girls (and boy)
There isn't anything in the world
That can lock up my love again

"That was when my marriage broke up. And that fact broke a lot of things in me. The image 'fascist architecture' came from Italy. It was stuff that was built during Mussolini's period that was a particular style where the buildings are really larger that life and what is supposed to celebrate the greatness of humanity actually dwarfs humanity. And it makes you feel tiny and helpless next to it. And everybody hates this stuff. It seemed to me a suitable image for the things in ourselves; the structures we build that are built on false expectations or pretenses. The things we pretend to ourselves. And then when some catastrophe comes your way, like a marriage breaking up or some other thing, those things crack and you get glimpses through them, the light comes through them. It's not a comfortable thing."
-Bruce Cockburn

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pdc, welcome to Plan D land. I'm so sorry you have to be here.

Mulan is right. Two months of separation is practically nothing. If you calculate it as a percentage of your life and as a percentage of your marriage, you'll see why it seems to fresh and so painful. What you need is time. Lots and lots of time.

I recently saw your thread on SAA and I have to tell you that it really resonated with me. I've been married to my WS for 26 years, too. I've got the five kids, too.

I've been separated from my husband since August of '09. Now that we've been apart for over 19 months, I'm beginning to approach a place of peace. But I'm not healed from the brokenness of my marriage or from the emotional and verbal abuse that my husband heaped on me. Neither are the children.

While my circumstances are different, the result has been that my husband has almost nothing to do with our children, and I know that's what you and your children will be facing as well. It hurts, and I hurt for my kids. Don't be surprised at the level of pain you face when you see your children grieving.

I would suggest that you give yourself and your children time to grieve. Don't put a timeline on it. People grieve differently and what y'all have been through is huge and horrible.

Lots of books and articles have been written about the stages of grief. What I didn't know beforehand is that you bounce around through the stages. There is not a simple progression from denial to anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. I spent a lot of time in depression and sadness. I finally found anger, but then it wore me out and I retreated to depression again. Now, I spend most of my days in acceptance, but there are days when anger jumps out or sadness creeps in. Grief is kind of like birthing a baby. It's hard work.

On a practical level, please go to the DivorceCare website and sign up for their daily emails. I did that recently, and I really wish I had found it sooner.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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pdc, i've read thru your entire SAA post since seeing this today. Wow. Kirby's description of grief is so on target, and it's a roller coaster ride of emotions without a doubt. The road is long. Lots of hills and valleys, but knowing that is half the battle.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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I know what you mean about not really having any choices but to try to move on- same thing happened to me.

The only thing that got me through the heartbreak of it all was my trust in God....I KNEW He had not abandoned me (tho my WH had) and I KNEW He would work it all out for my good and the good of my children.

He has stayed true to His promise, too. Over one year later my life is pretty darned good (and ex-WH just got out of psych ward after considering suicide over the mess me made of his life).

I don't know how people get through this without God? I know I couldn't have.

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Kirby (sorry I can only think of my vaccuum ( wink ),NSZ and Sydney,

You are awesome for taking the time to read through my long sad story, thank you. That is one of the things I so appreciate about this forum. People take significant amounts of time to understand and help others. I have wanted to be more a part of this community, but felt I should remain silent until my wife was convicted.

Kirby, thanks so much for the tip about DivorceCare. I took your advice and signed up for the daily email. I also put in a call to see about joining one of their local groups, it's only on the third week.

I am so fortunate for my grown daughters (23,22,19). They are incredibly strong and loving. They came home every weekend in the beginning and bore me up. One of them expressed the wisdom; "mom put a burden too great for any one of us to bear, but together we can bear it".

We had a family spring party this past weekend. We had a huge bonfire on Saturday night, the night of the beautiful full moon. We all stayed around the fire having a great time till 3:30 am. I haven't done that in forever. We declared the new season to be a turning point, the start of healing and new life. On Sunday we had a picnic and planted seedlings for a garden. The girls then took us on a tour of all the places that they used to play as little kids on our property (we have 20 acres adjoining the national forest).

This week has been the best week by far for me emotionally. I am looking forward to joining the DivorceCare group and beginning some new friendships. My wife and I were socially isolated, mostly due to some of her always finding "problems" with potential friends. I have always been a very social person.

Again I say thank you and a formal hello to this community.

-pdc

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Originally Posted By: pdc


Kirby, thanks so much for the tip about DivorceCare. I took your advice and signed up for the daily email. I also put in a call to see about joining one of their local groups, it's only on the third week.

I am so fortunate for my grown daughters (23,22,19).



I'm glad I could be of some help.

Your children and mine are almost exactly the same ages. I don't see that very often.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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I am currently doing Divorcecare and it has been such a great healing experience for me. I have been in it since January and I am so thankful that I signed up for it. I hope you find it as beneficial as I have. Good luck! It is a very hard journey to be on. I have been dealing with it for 5 months now since I filed and I am getting stronger every day. You will also. bless those daughters of yours!


Married 7, Separated summer 2010

me, BW: 31
WH: 31
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Check your local churches to see if they have a Divorce Care program. It really helps deal with the issues surrounding Divorce.

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Originally Posted By: BCboy
Check your local churches to see if they have a Divorce Care program. It really helps deal with the issues surrounding Divorce.


I'm going to a meeting tommorrow night.

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Hey PDC,

Sorry I'm late in welcoming you to this side of the street. There are some wonderful people here as you mentioned.

I read your thread in SAA. I'm so very sorry.

Quote:
My question is how does one walk away from someone you have loved with all your heart for 26 years and is the mother of your 5 children?


Well, since you didn't have a choice it is harder to get through it I believe.

You'll hear over and over again that time is the biggest factor in healing, and it's true. BUT, what you do with that time will determine how fast you can heal. This is not going to happen fast either. I've heard it can take a year for every 4 years you've been married. But don't let that depress you too much, the healing comes in bits and pieces all along the way and gets easier over time. You've probably already heard that too.

I see you're going to start the Divorce Care meetings. That's great. That has been helpful to me so far. I just started a few weeks ago.

I also recommend a good diet, sleep, counseling for you and your children, family outings, getting a sitter so you can hang out with your friends to recharge, and exercise.

I've learned a ton about relationships here, but also, there are some "personal development" forums you can find online that can help with things like grief, detachment, emotional mastery, setting personal goals, etc. It's actually kinda nice to have those forums too.

If you have any more specific questions, I'm sure we'll do our best to help.


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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Well I went to my first DC meeting last night. There we only 3 women there. One was the the councilor and two are on their third go-around through this course.

I was hoping for a little more diversity in the group. However the curriculum seems very good. They said there is usually two other women there. I'll give it another go next week and see what happens.

Not that I'm anywhere near ready for dating, but the assertion that one is not ready for as long as five years is a little disconcerting. I cannot imagine going five years without intimacy and physical love.

I guess time will tell.

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Originally Posted By: pdc
Well I went to my first DC meeting last night. There we only 3 women there. One was the the councilor and two are on their third go-around through this course.

I was hoping for a little more diversity in the group. However the curriculum seems very good. They said there is usually two other women there. I'll give it another go next week and see what happens.

Not that I'm anywhere near ready for dating, but the assertion that one is not ready for as long as five years is a little disconcerting. I cannot imagine going five years without intimacy and physical love.

I guess time will tell.




It takes time to heal. as long as five years could mean anything from a day to five years. Each one of us is different, and will take differing amounts of time.

Don't rush the healing. You'll know the healing has taken place when you wake up one day and realize, I'm perfectly happy alone, I have a good life, I do NOT NEED anyone to make me feel fulfilled.

It took me just over six years to reach that point after my first marriage ended. Does that mean there were no physical/emotional relationships? Heck no, I'm not a saint. But thankfully we both knew it was nothing more than a rebound relationship. Even though it felt so much more, it wasn't. So be very wary of that.

I did snicker a bit over your post to be honest. I thought at first, someone should say hey, DC is Divorce Care NOT Dating Central lol. Then the comments about the women, with the curriculum seeming to be more of an afterthought....all I could think was, oh you are so setting yourself up for a bad memory. Then the last part where you say you are not anywhere near dating yet, and the thought it would be so long....made me realize just how differently men and women look at the future after a marriage ends.

For you, the thought of the possibility is already there and you can already think about a future and moving on to a new relationship.

For me, I still don't care if every man falls off the face of the earth.

I can make that comment above, even now and it's been 17 months since my STBX and I separated.

Again, give yourself time. Know what you want when you do start a new relationship, then you can at least know if it is a rebound relationship. And there is nothing wrong with a rebound...IF you both know that is what it is.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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PDC,

I wanted to say I thought the advice the Kirby and Mulan gave were spot on and I can't say I have much to add to it.

I am still a work in progress like you, and the one thing I have over you is the initial event for me in my marriage was now just over 4 years ago, and even though a great deal of the time between then and now was spent trying to restore the marriage I believe it was also the start of the emotional recovery.

When I think back to that 1st event and how devastated I was then and how I am coping today I know I'm light years from where I was. As you have suffered this abuse from your WW, you have had no choice but start to protect your heart, and as you reflect back to where you were just a year ago I think you will see that you have made progress as well.

I have no illusions that I am over this mess yet, I believe others when they say it will take years, and as depressing as that is, I believe that the recovery is obviously worse at the beginning and gets better over time. That we can move on with our lives and have a life after this.

You are blessed to have the relationship you do with your kids, You know the man you are, that you have done everything in your power to honor your wife, kids and marriage. No matter what the WW has done nothing will change that.

The recovery will come but like so many things in life we will have to wait for it.


Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
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I re-read my post. It could be taken as though I were woman shopping at the used womens department smile .

I actually was hoping that there would be some other men there.

I know I am not ready for dating now, but yes I am thinking about the time when I will be.

To be completely honest, I wondered if there would be any attractive women there. (there wasn't....rats)


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LOL... laugh This is why the written word can be taken wrong...the same words can mean two totally different things.

for instance I read:

"There we only 3 women there. One was the the councilor and two are on their third go-around through this course."

as:

"rats, only three women there, wish there were more to at least look at"

instead of

"there were only three people there, all women, the counselor and two on their 3rd trip through the course. I had hoped there would be some men in the group"

laugh Glad we got that cleared up (mainly cause it is what I refer to as a comical relief from the stress we are under).

So many of you all here have had quite long marriages. I can't imagine the difference in how you feel, especially if you count it as a 'good' marriage until the end. Its just not something I will ever know.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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pdc, different DC classes have different mixes- the one I took (which was very helpful) had about 10-12 people, even mix of women and men.

Wish you the best!

DTC


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
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Quote:
To be completely honest, I wondered if there would be any attractive women there. (there wasn't....rats)


Lol.....


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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