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Quote:
The last thing I want to be about the situation is naive.


Well you are being exactly VERY naive. If that's the last thing you want to be, then please listen up.

Arguing with us isn't going to change our minds about how important NC is or why you are an exception. Some of us have even moved out of state to get away from the AP. It's THAT important.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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You may want to consider exposure on her side as well. NUCLEAR STYLE!ALL OF HER family and friends. This also includes at the workplace for the ones that dont know. You may get 2 birds with one stone if she quits out of sheer shame and embarrassment. And you cant be sued for telling the truth about anything!


Divorced 11/5/2013
FXWW EA 2005/2008/2010
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Ok, after the overwhelming responses from, what I consider to be the utmost reliable sources (people who have suffered through the same), I am starting to see that maybe I am being too naive about the situation. I had initially given him the ultimatum of leaving and he did seek other employment opportunities and even had 3 interviews. But after seeing a therapist, I was told that HE has to change his behavior and that regardless of the position that he's holding, there will always be a woman like this around to stroke his ego if he's willing to be unfaithful. That sort of made sense with me, and I wasn't as insitant on him finding another position. But more and more I'm finding myself not being able to get past the work situation. I'm realizing that it's unfair to me for him to make me go through this day after day, and I also don't feel right in watching his work e-mail like a prison warden. I don't want to live like this indefinitely.

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Originally Posted By: MarriedForever
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To go through him taking a polygraph, only to have my fears confirmed, would be even more devastating. Even if it was confirmed that the relationship was more physically involved than previously thought, it would probably not change my current path of action right now, so I see it as being unnecessarily painful.


Yes, it's better to allow your H to know that he can go ahead and lie to you about whatever he wants because, afterall...the truth is just far too painful. You are teaching him a great lesson here, JayME...that you are a doormat and lying to you is acceptable.


ITA. In addition to demanding he leave the workplace, I would also call up and schedule a polygraph. EAs rapidly escalate to PAs especially when there is opportunity. I would be surprised if this wasn't a PA.

Your H will stay foggy as long as he is hiding things from you and your R will stall out. You can't sweep this under the rug. Get the truth out.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
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Originally Posted By: JayME80
But after seeing a therapist, I was told that HE has to change his behavior and that regardless of the position that he's holding, there will always be a woman like this around to stroke his ego if he's willing to be unfaithful.


So many people come here and the affair has been thriving while they have been following the advice of their therapist or MC, who unfortunately don't understand the addiction of affairs and don't have experience helping people recover their M after an A. *sigh*


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted By: JayME80
O But after seeing a therapist, I was told that HE has to change his behavior and that regardless of the position that he's holding, there will always be a woman like this around to stroke his ego if he's willing to be unfaithful.


Please find a qualified "therapist" because she doesn't know what she is talking about. Your H is not addicted to any other women but to the OW specifically.

Changing his behavior is HALF of the equation, the other half is to remove himself from the woman he is addicted to.

Quote:
But more and more I'm finding myself not being able to get past the work situation. I'm realizing that it's unfair to me for him to make me go through this day after day, and I also don't feel right in watching his work e-mail like a prison warden. I don't want to live like this indefinitely.


Watching his actions will BUILD TRUST in your marriage and help you prevent this from happening in the future. Watching him helps you hold him accountable.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote:
Also, I know it's best to have no contact; however, I do believe that our relationship would also suffer if I made him leave a job that he loves.
Welcome, JayME. I've only gotten partway through the responses on this thread, so you've probably heard this question already: which is more important - your marriage or his job? That's what it comes down to.

Your FIL is in a sticky situation. He's going to have to find very legitimate reasons to let her go, or he'll be risking a lawsuit. But make no mistake: she DOES have to go. Either that, or your WH needs to. They can't work together.

My H had an A with a co-worker. Thankfully, she left on her own. H has told me that he would not have been able to work with her. He couldn't quit the A while she was there.

Also - I don't want to be the bearer of crummy news, but please understand that the chance that they have been alone together and 'just kissed' is pretty unlikely. I suspect this was a physical affair, as in more than just kissing. My H's A was 'just kissing' in the beginning, as well. When he finally came clean he confirmed that it was a sexual affair.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Please listen to MelodyLane, Maritalbliss and the other excellent posters here. Your therapist doesn't know squat about A's. Yes, there will be women in your husband's life forever, but there will be exactly ONE your H is addicted to in the workplace. The bond they have formed is very powerful, and it's only a matter of time and opportunity before your H will find himself in her arms if they continue to work together.

Give yourself a fighting chance by separating these two for life.

And the "just kissing" statement is the first lie about every A. My FWW also claimed they met for sex but then "stopped because it wasn't right." Big lie. She also said they couldn't be having an A because he lived several states away. Big lie.

The OM hopped on a plane and flew a thousand miles at every opportunity to have sex with my W, and they got so deep that they discussed ending both M's so that they could get married to each other.

Take extreme action now. You will thank yourself later.

Last edited by Wisertoday; 03/29/11 12:16 PM.

Me: FBH (2010) and FWH (1996): 40
Her: FWW and FBW: 40

2011: In recovery

A's are merely chocolate-covered cancer lollipops.
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Originally Posted By: JayME80
Ok, after the overwhelming responses from, what I consider to be the utmost reliable sources (people who have suffered through the same), I am starting to see that maybe I am being too naive about the situation.
Well, in case you're not yet sold on their painfully-acquired wisdom, this is the part where a guy who had an affair (me) steps in to tell you that... these people are right about this "no contact" thing.

See, I got myself into an emotional affair. I could see where it was heading, and OW kept pushing, and I got cold feet, and at one point I told her it had to stop. Trouble was, though, that I kept seeing her on a regular basis through church. And I resumed taking her calls. I bought into the myth that people who form deep emotional attachments can "maturely" revert to being "just friends" and "stay friends." I hadn't considered the addictive nature of affair situations, where a person is having a number of important emotional needs met (whether attention/admiration, conversation, or recreational companionship), and the difficulty of withdrawing from such a situation. Long story short, my resolve didn't last 2 weeks. The affair resumed & became physical. My temporary pangs of conscience & desire to do the right thing turned out to be worth diddly. And I almost trashed my marriage completely. Because I stayed in contact with the other woman.

"No contact" is non-negotiable. You can't rebuild the kind of wonderful marriage relationship that it is possible to build (even after an affair) as long as your mind is preyed upon by the uncertainty that's a natural consequence of your H's remaining in touch with his affair-partner.


Originally Posted By: JayME80
I had initially given him the ultimatum of leaving and he did seek other employment opportunities and even had 3 interviews. But after seeing a therapist, I was told that HE has to change his behavior and that regardless of the position that he's holding, there will always be a woman like this around to stroke his ego if he's willing to be unfaithful. That sort of made sense with me, and I wasn't as insitant on him finding another position. But more and more I'm finding myself not being able to get past the work situation.
Well, the therapist had one point right, to the extent that, yes, your husband needs to rebuild his own boundaries in order to prevent recurrence of this affair or prevent other affairs. However, that doesn't mean that you should back down re: the job! (If that was your conclusion, please think this through. If that was your therapist's conclusion, then fire the therapist!) People who've manifested weak boundaries ALSO need to implement what are known as Extraordinary Precautions (read about 'em on this site) to guard against resumption of an affair. The single most important such precaution is that he must end contact with the OW permanently. They're called "extraordinary" precautions for a reason. Not "I'll-adhere-to-them-if-convenient" precautions. He bears an obligation to go to extraordinary lengths to protect your feelings, to reassure you, and to protect HIMSELF against the danger of resuming the affair. Insofar as he is still in daily contact with her, he has yet to even begin the necessary withdrawal phase. Building personal boundaries and adhering to extraordinary precautions aren't mutually exclusive -- they're mutually reinforcing. So you're not only within your rights to insist that he find another job, but you'd be silly NOT to insist, if your goal is to save your marriage.

Originally Posted By: JayME80
...I also don't feel right in watching his work e-mail like a prison warden. I don't want to live like this indefinitely.
You may not have to do this indefinitely; but in the early parts of recovery, you'd be a fool NOT to monitor what he's up to. He hasn't taken the most basic, fundamental step that needs to be taken after an affair, which is to cease contact with the affair-partner.

You said earlier that you believe "to a degree" the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater." I'm here to tell you simply, that's a crock. Believing that "to a degree" is like believing in being pregnant "to a degree." You either believe it or you don't. If you believe it, then don't waste any more of your time and sue him for divorce.

I would sooner cut my own eyes out than cheat again.

It's possible for your husband to feel that way, too. But you can't take his word on that; he is going to have to prove it. Going no-contact is Step#1 in proving it. And without no-contact, he'll never be able to prove it in a way that will make you feel completely safe.

P.S. -- Sorry if I skimmed your thread too quickly, but have you read the book "Surviving An Affair", or has anyone advised you to read it? It is a book that my wife & I will both tell you may well have saved our marriage.

Last edited by GloveOil; 03/29/11 08:30 PM. Reason: Added P.S.!

Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Jay - I am so sorry you are in this position. I hope you are taking care of yourself and your precious child. I don't have much to say other than, from my research, affairs are addictions. The chemical reactions going on in your husband's brain are no different than a drug addiction. Seeing her gives him a high.

Your counselor is right in one thing: there will be other women out there at any other job who will be willing to stroke his ego. He needs to have strong boundaries to ensure NO woman is ever this close to him again. He does need to work on that.

However to use the drug analogy - your husband is addicted to alcohol. Yes, it is likely he could become addicted to cocaine or marijuana or heroin - so he will have to protect himself from developing those addictions, but he has to nip the alcohol addiction in the bud first - working in a bar is NOT the way to solve the alcohol problem.

Right now he is an alcoholic going to work every day in a bar. EVERY day. It doesn't matter that you have people keeping an eye on her. SEEING her is enough to get his fix. Sending a work related email is enough. Eventually that fix won't be enough - they'll need more. They'll buy a secret cell phone that he keeps hidden. He'll make a secrete email address. He'll slip away for a work errand. He was caught once, he knows what you are watching, he'll find a way to hide it - because just the seeing each other every day won't be enough - after a while he'll want more.

He may be repentant now. He may be horrified about what he has done. He may begin to actively dislike her - but it won't change the fact that he crossed a boundary with her - one that cannot be uncrossed. Over time the repentance will fade, dimmed by his still present feelings for her.

And over time, you will come to resent him. You will go mad knowing she is there - seeing him every day. You will see him leaving every day to work with her and you will be stabbed in the heart again and again, the jealousy and wondering if somehow they're slipping through the cracks in the armor will drive you mad. You will never be able to move past it because it will be present every day he goes to work. So you will be at home, wondering, thinking about him and her. You will not be able to rebuild your trust. And it will eat away at your soul.

There was another poster here who endured her husband working with their OW for A YEAR. She was in so much pain that when he finally quit that job she was sabotaging their recovery - she couldn't get past the year of pain he put her through. It was torture for her.

Here is her story if you want to read it

You started off strong - you stuck to your guns and fought for your family, but there is more to do.

It is promising that he had 3 other interviews - pursue them. A job is a job - but a broken family is another thing all together.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
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