Not only do you have a "right" to request this, but you have an obligation to be radically honest with him about what bothers you. It doesn't make much sense to try and spend time together if you annoy each other.

What do you mean by wanting him to exercise? WHY? So he will lose weight? If that is what you want, then just say that. You have to be honest. Tell him you would find him more attractive if he would lose weight. Tell him how much. TELL HIM what he needs to do to be more attractive.

As far as weight loss goes, he will lose weight more effectively with diet, if that is the goal.


Tell him how you like being kissed. You are not a horrible person. NOT telling him this stuff is harmful to your marriage because if he doesn't know, then he can't change it!!

This is another reason I think you should get a coach.


You need to do BOTH. This program will not work without the UA time. Tell your doctor that you are spinning your wheels if you don't get in the UA time.


Your lack of committment prevents this from working. You CAN have romantic, passionate feelings for your H but you have to do the work. It is silly to complain that something doesn't work when the problem is YOU.

I am going to tell your H that if you don't get on board, he needs to consider filing for divorce and going into Plan B. You have a lot of work to do to make this work and I see you doing absolutely NOTHING here.

I am confident that the feelings for OM will fade - I am sure he has moved on in his marriage and that chapter is done. But how did you generate feelings for your husband? I feel like other WS already have that committment once their A ends and that enables them to put in the effort to fix things. I didn't wake up after the A ended and feel like BH was my soul mate and I was so sorry for what I did. I know I made a mistake and don't like the person I have become who was able to behave like that. I am sorry I hurt BH. But I still don't feel like my marriage has been or ever be what I now know I want out of it.

It's not that I feel I am punishing him for not meeting my needs before - please don't think that. I just don't know how to move on when the way he has been all of these years is just not what I want anymore and I don't have confidence that he can change. I know I should give him that chance, but also feel like I don't have the rights to make those requests because of my bad behavior.

Do you cook the meals? Can you encourage healthier eating for the whole family? How about starting to get out to the park with the kids 3-4 times a week? Walk, ride bikes, etc? Are there any martial arts Dojos around? Would he be interested in taking some classes as a family?


See the above.


Mmmhmmm... do we need to guess your basis for comparison?

Though, I admit to a bit of wimpiness early on. It lasted... maybe the first month? Now, I'm not built like Eric Bana or anything... only 32 and I'm balding, a little extra weight in the middle. Know what? I was never really Mr. Washboard Abs, either. Not even in the best shape of my life, when I met FWW.

The thing that had changed is that I had invested my entire self-image into the approval of a neglectful, and then unfaithful, wife.

I'm also aware of the husband I can be, that I want to be, and that I let FWW's neglect of my needs cause me not to be.


So, one day I got all shaved, dressed, and looked in the mirror, and said; "Damn, I AM one handsome devil. I am a good man, and I am wicked intelligent. If FWW wants to toss that aside for horsecrap, I'll be fine."

FWW was out of town with her girlfriend thrift shopping that weekend, but I told her as much when she got home.

Confidence. Strength. Those were the missing factors of attraction.


That's a mighty assumption to make, WHEN YOU HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN MEETING THE MINIMUM REQUIREMENT.


UA time is the way your affair was created - you lied, wriggled, and stole (from your husband and children) to cheat.

You aren't getting enough UA time, and I'd be willing to bet the UA time you do get isn't spent right.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/rei.pdf

Print that out and work with it on your husband. Also, see the thread in 101 on "At home RC."

WE have told you how. Over and over and over again. They don't come by magic fairy dust. They come by giving your marriage the same care and attention you gave your affair. Schedule 20+ hours per week of UA. [It does not take 4 months to find a babysitter.] Be HONEST with your husband about your feelings about his weight and his kissing. TELL HIM. Tell him how to be a better husband and encourage him to be honest with you too.

The problem with the Marriage Builders program is that you have to actually WORK IT in order for it to work. It does not work by osmosis, unfortunately.

here

There's your problem.

It's called "making a choice."

This program will not work without UA time. The problem is not UA, but that you are not committed to UA, and are neglecting it.

Meet your husband's intimate EN for 20 hours a week. ALLOW him to meet yours (that means you will need to be honest with him -- HOW do you like him to kiss you?). Try it for awhile. Your feelings will follow.

Don't make the same mistake I did. I hemmed and hawed about UA for 5 months because I hated spending time with my husband -- he wasn't what I wanted, I hated the things he did, I hated him (yadda, yadda, excuse, excuse). I just couldn't make myself do it. I never really gave UA a chance.

My marriage is now in shambles. I'm desperately trying to pick up the pieces, hoping against hope that my husband will give me a second chance.

UA time won't work (and thus, this program will not work) if you don't CHOOSE to commit yourself to it. And your marriage will fail.

How much weight does he need to lose?

There's a reason I only answered one part of your question, and the reason is that I haven't completely figured out the rest of it myself yet. I'm reading along in your thread for ideas on how to get there.

The truth is, my feelings for my H still are not what I would like them to be. EN's are still going unmet for me as well, and UA time isn't being perfectly met.

Though I'm not sure I believe in the concept of a "soul mate." All relationships take work. I don't think there's one perfect person waiting out there for me that everything would just be effortless and wonderful with. I think my marriage can be what I would like it to be. That's why I'm still here. I still have hope that we can work through these issues and fall back in love again. But I'm not there yet, so it's difficult for me to offer advice in that area.

Does anyone know of a marriage recovery program that works when you don't work it? I am thinking that is what is needed here. A program that works by magic. Magic Marriage!!

Actually, I know of lots of marriage programs that don't work when you DO work them.

@Athena -


This is pure Fantasy on your part. What you are saying is: I wish my BS was POSOM. Stop the Contrast Effect. This is part of the reason your BS is not attractive. POSOM is a POS. He is not safe and he really didn't have an emotional attachment to you. He dumped you when he was losing his marriage. You were second choice. Do you want BS to treat you like this?

You are really setting up your BH for further failure.

After getting some UA time your BS is O&H with you and what do you do you? Complain and start picking him apart, because he isn't POSOM! See how he can't win? He77 if he does He77 if he doen't.

You really need to get out of this Fog that POSOM is something wonderful!

This is very unfair to your H, Athena. Why are you not addressing your needs with him? You don't like the way he kisses? Tell him that. Tell him you would like to see him lose some weight.

Why are you not sharing with him the very things that are hanging you up? You're not in this alone. Your partner needs to know these things.

So, what is it, Athena?

A little stash? A photo?

Has OM been in contact?

Why is it that you keep pining for a man for whom you meant little more than a trophy lay?

I am being very honest - NC in 4 months. No momentos, no photos, no reminders - just memories. And they are good ones. Yes, we both dumped each other when the [censored] hit the fan, but we knew we needed to try and fix our marriages or we would always regret not trying. So I didn't really expect anything else from OM.

BH doesn't need to lose any weight. I would like him to work out so he has muscle instead of being so soft. OM wasn't in the best physical shape, yet I looked past it because I had deep feelings for him and he was confident in his body. I see the irony in that I shattered BH's confidence, so of course he doesn't have it. And I am probably grasping at straws about what BH needs to change, hoping that any change will help me become attracted to him.

The biggest thing is, I have tried to talk to him about this stuff and he gets frustrated that I keep on stabbing him with it. I try not to be hurtful but no matter how I bring it up, he doesn't want to hear about his flaws. He can't handle the truth and doesn't want to talk about anything that paints him in a less than perfect light.

I am not without my faults either, but I am trying to change. Is it too much to ask that he try too? I know it isn't.

I am pining for a man that treated me better than any other man in my life ever did. The circumstances were terrible, we were scumbags, and we lied to each other - but it still felt better than BH ever made me feel. Yes, probably the fog speaking and I should try to get the UA in so the fogginess goes away.

Is that really the best way any man has ever treated you? Terrible ... Scumbags ... Lies ... But it was great!

Yep.

Be careful when walking up the stairs, Athena. The fog is so thick, I don't imagine you can see any of them.

He did not treat you better than anyone else. He didn't respect you. You don't treat someone your truly love and care for the way he treated you.

He treated you like an unpaid hooker. You should think about that. And he disrespected your entire life. He was willing to help you compromise your character, harm your children, and hurt your husband.

He's a winnah. Not.

This is where things get frustrating with you. You have a good head, it's just inserted rectally at times.

See the highlighted text? You kind of answer your own questions there.

So now, I wonder who suffers more from learned helplessness, you or your BH.

When it comes to recovering the M, seems like it's you.



"I just don't love him! I don't think I ever did, I don't think I ever will!"




Are you a dog in a cage, Athena?

I happen to think you are slightly more intelligent than a canine being threatened with electric shock.

And yet, knowing the consequences of inaction, you pout and sulk, and surrender.

I understand the emotional aversion. I really do. My emotions have told me a hundred times to just kick FWW to the curb and get on with my life. But, that isn't really the BEST for myself, for my wife, or for my children, is it?

Giving up serves you no better.

I'll tell you, though, that regaining my confidence was not a happy thing, at first, for FWW - because one of the first things my confidence told me is that I no longer had to put up with her treating me like crap, that I was capable of making any woman I chose to a very happy woman, and that if she did not commit to this marriage and recovering it, that woman dang sure would not be her.

You've got the tools, you've got the smarts... now quit being so damn whiny and lazy.

And you say your husband is wimpy?

Puh.

I really hope you don't have anything that digs up memories and feelings.

See the little quote in my sig line?

Have you ever watched that movie? If not, I suggest you do. It's a fine example of how preserving "good memories" of a toxic relationship blinds you to what is right before your eyes every day.

This,

I totally get. It is a quandry. How do you tell someone what is wrong without hurting him anymore? What right do we have?

It sounds like coaching would be good for you. He needs someone to tell him to man up and for various reasons it probably won't work coming from you.


I don't feel like Athea is the only one who wants things to "magically" get better. She wants her husband to step up and fight.

Athena99,

I read through all the advice you were given, all rock solid plans and ideas, but girl you are not interested in saving your marriage, you keep going back to the comparisons between the OM and your husband, you would rather feel good about someone who didn't respect you, lied to his own wife and carried on an affair in the eyes of God...........Why is that Athena, I think the problem lies with you and the way you allow yourself to think, you are desperately hanging on to that fantasy world, the feelings, you are not seeing that relationship or that man for what it really was, that is sad Athena.
You are worth more than that, you are allowing your past to stop you from being someone who can respect themselves..........it's not worth it........
You will always be unhappy if you continue to think this way........If the OM really was an upstanding man, he would have saved your relationship, he would have stayed with you...........but Athena he followed his heart and it really wasn't with you, just in the fantasy world you have allowed yourself to believe.
What you should be thinking is that you are grateful for a 2nd chance with your husband and family after everything you have done and continue to do to them.
You are still acting very hurtful and still saying hurtful things.......what do you expect................no one is just going to stand there and be a punching bag, you leave your husband no choice but to say to you, I'll give you time to fix what is wrong inside of you.............if he was saying I'm not attracted to you, I'm only going through the motions would you feel loved, I bet you wouldn't.
You are asking so much of him, maybe you need to just get yourself together before you put any more burden on anyone else.............Why don't you separate or stay with family until your head is clearer............if you are truly finished because of the way you think then leave and start over.............this isn't fair to your husband, you are still emotionally attached to someone else, someone who doesn't even deserve to be in the picture, you are married Athena.......
Until that emotional connection is gone, you should let your husband move on.......
If you can't get on board, why hurt him more.......

How about this; failing to be radically honest Pre-A is what made you and your marriage vulnerable to adultery.

Yes, it's hard to consider approaching the trauma patient with requests when they are still bleeding. Maybe they will react negatively. Who knows?

However, sacrificing your ENs to guilt does not help either of you.

Your spouse cannot deposit units into your LB$ IF THEY DON'T KNOW HOW. And they should know how, and what makes the biggest, and most efficient deposits.


Regular review of the ENQ is one of the best tools available, as it will serve as a facilitating tool to the conversation.


And, if you didn't know; GET YOUR FREAKING UA TIME IN.

We are all guilty from time to time of not meeting the UA requirement - don't let it rule you.

Do not call yourself selfish and shallow for being wired the way you are. Everybody wants fulfillment in their relationship and what brings fulfillment is unique for each person.

Dr. Harley says that making requests in marriage is good. He actually says "I want you to make a lot of requests of each other." (I'm trying to quote from memory, so I may be a little off.) He wants both husband and wife to get what they need and what they want in marriage.

You have no right to demands in your marriage, but there is nothing wrong with making requests! The key difference between a demand and a request is that a request will accept "no" for an answer. If the answer is "no," you either think of circumstances under which your spouse might be willing to grant your request, or you withdraw the request. In your case because of the damage from the past the answer to some requests might be "no" now, but "yes," later, so you may need to be somewhat patient.

If you are not sure if a particular change will make a difference or not, just ask to try it. Explain how you feel: I think I might like this, how would you feel about trying it for a week or two? If it doesn't make a difference, don't give up! Keep brainstorming and think of other things you might try until you have the problem solved.