Ms. Writer,

Hi again. And again am not meaning to get you flummoxed!

You are exactly right in the two of you working on things together. But! And a big But, that comes when you have the proper information. I have been taught and raised that the H should be strong enough, and more importantly, concerned enough to take the financial and family challenges on my shoulders rather than deflect to Char. Case in point Ms. Writer, recently I have been handling the situation here with my son. Intermitant jobs and unemployed for awhile, but yes, I had to give him some money, and have him here and cook for him. He now has two good jobs. He had complained to his mom and as you know she is in a nursing home now and cannot do much about it, and I just got on the Internet and tried to help and also to encourage him and now he is fully employed and happy. I did not deflect this to Char or discuss it or ask for her help because I knew that would worry her, and I know she could not financially and physically do that much for him. The point is, she is happy with him working lots now and saving money for college, he is happy, and I am happy that I didn't ignore it or worry her but assumed it myself.

Ms. Writer, I have shouldered alot of family burdens and I still feel happy in doing so. This includes never ever even thinking of leaving her back when she had serious depression hospitalizations. When the patient had to stay for two or three months and we were separated!

Ms. Writer, it just doesn't seem to test true that your H is both able or willing to 'work through problems together' if he seems to leave you to resort to a third party. I know this may be harsh, but honestly after all this time (last several months) of seeing you on here shouldering the burden it just makes me wonder if you two are really that together for the rest of your lives.

Tom

Ms, Writer,

I should apologize to you for my post (in a way) because I felt I was harsh, but **edit** sometimes, and I don't even know you, it is exasperating!

It would be nice if at least once you could post that you and H are in agreement with an issue, that you have discussed and done your homework together, and here it is. It seems it is all on you totally.

Tom

I would really love to work with my H. But it takes two. I wish I knew how to get us both on the same page. I've tried to get him engaged in MB stuff, but I haven't had much luck. He says he's willing, but he doesn't actually want to DO it.

I do avoid talking to him about problems, because it always leads to an argument. I do feel like I'm stuck trying to figure it out on my own (or turn to a 3rd party) because I don't want to fight all the time. I've tried many different ways to bring up topics that are bothering me, but none of them seem right, because they either lead to my H getting morose and depressed and blaming himself for everything, or they lead to an argument.

I just don't know what to do at this point. It feels a lot like banging my head against a wall. I want things to be different. I just don't know how to make them different by myself.

I'm curious. Why can't your daughter play by herself? I've had 5 kids and all of them played by themselves with push toys or cars or blocks by themselves just fine.

Can you not go back to school also part time doing online classes?

Bill consolidation?

Ms. Writer,

I took the liberty of doing a new post to Constant, as you may have noticed, to look in on your thread if he is so inclined. He just seems like such a level-headed guy that I would trust his thoughts and opinions. I did that not because I feel something urgent about you, but because from what I saw from last year when he was posting to you it seemed to help you on perspective.

Other than that I just don't have any answer and should not pretend to have. The only thing that comes to my mind at this point is to insist on yourself. By that I mean, if you want to go back to school, get other training for a new career, or have found any other job that will help YOU and YOUR independence then just do it, and insist on it. But just do it and don't allow yourself to be held back in any way. I'm thinking back to the early 1990's when Char wanted to teach at a Montessor (sp) school and had to take a few courses to do that even tho she had her MS in education. Montessori is a whole different system. At the time our kids were younger and we had quite a few expenses so I objected. We didn't argue that much as such but I tried to persuade her to use her degree and go back to the traditional system. She did accept the montessori job on a part-time temporary basis contingent on her taking the courses and then got a part-time job as a clerk-typist (not even sure if those jobs exist anymore) to accumulate some funds to pay for the courses. Her clerk job lasted about three weeks because I found a way to pay for her courses and more importantly I knew I was wrong in trying to ompose my ideals. She would have found a way anyway and I knew that because she has always been a feisty, independent, womens' lib rebel.....*s* As it turned out, we didn't need her income that much anyway at that time but she worked at that school for three years and really made an impact handling special ed kids.

Well, long-winded, but please don't short-change yourself based on your H's feelings and reactions.

I am hoping that someone wiser could find some things to say to you that would give you more encouragement at this time.

In the meantime, please keep coming back here for counsel and encouragement. I meant in no way to discourage you at all. Your story is a wonderful example of someone who is courageous and unduring. Just please start learning to do even just a little more homework before getting exasperated....*s*

Take care and prayers,

Rom

Ms. Writer, I don't do the type of work you are talking about. But every bar newsletter and magazine I read talks about the huge numbers of foreclosures and short sales. There must be lots of internet sites talking about how to deal with the tax issues. I believe that they passed a law last year which enables people to spread out the income, but I am not sure if that applies to 2011 foreclosures or was a special rule for last year. And as Tom said, the IRS does have a Form you can fill out to request a payment plan. I think it is Form 433. There may be an A or a B at the end. The Form is rather proctological, but if you work through it methodically you will likely end up with a tolerable number for the amount you have to pay per month. If not, you can always appeal the rejection. Just think, months of focusing your frustration on the IRS agent instead of on your husband!

Do not mean to make light of your situation. It will of course generate huge anxiety. We are here to help you work your way through it.

holding,

Exactly! That is what I was thinking in terms of any income that has to be recognized if the bank absorbs the loss - ability to spread it over a few years. I recall now something like this was in Pres Obama's ERA for 2010, but do not know how long it was targeted for.

I feel that for some reason I am on Ms. Writer's case now...*s* Ms. Writer, please start getting in the habit of doing your homework and research starting tomorrow! Knowledge can be a great laxative for anxiety.

Tom

Hey writer,

I feel like many other posters here that it would be awesome if your H could take away some of you anxiety. Maybe talk about your worries with you more. I really don't know though, it seemed that when we broached that issue a while ago, that you said you talked all the time. You were here getting advice because it was wise, and we are your friends. I get that too.

So much good advice from many posters even though I follow this thread I do not have a lot to add to it.

Thanks Tom for the levelheaded compliment, I can assure you I feel anything but most of the time lol.

Praying for you writer and keep hanging in there as allways. Remember you are in Gods capable hands.

Writer 1, regarding the tax implications on your forecloser, it could be well worth you while looking into bankruptcy.

It sounds terrible but in reality it simply starts you back at day 1.

I advised an employee of mine to do exactly that. He took a doubletake at the thought but in the end thats what he did and it seemed to work a treat.

I am pretty sure you will find your tax implication will just go away. I would find an accountant to give you some advice on the correct steps to take.

Jackblack is correct. If debt is forgiven as part of a bankruptcy, it is not treated as income. Of course, as with all things tax, there are technicalities and exceptions and traps for the unwary and YMMV. But in general that is one avenue to write off large debts without being saddled with a big tax bill. All of this stuff is worth researching and pursuing.

Ms. Writer Hi,

First, if I am provoking you or making you feel at all uncomfortable with my interruptions and suggestions please just say the word and I will shut up.

While on errands today I was reflecting on a situation of mine and then thought of what you said in terms of your H being reluctant in problem solving. Well just a couple of suggestions I thought of, and you may very well have tried these. First, just try to get him to do some brainstorming with you, much as you would do in a business staff meeting. Here is the problem, let's get to some ideas to handle it. Second, do the initial leg work and research, but then sit down with him to present what you found. Here is what I've found and this is my idea. What do you think? Just some rudimentary thoughts.

Of course there is another way to get him involved and to participate, but I wouldn't recommend it...*s* It would be, here is the tax bill, Dude, what are you going to do about it?

Anyway hope you guys can have a very nice weekend.

Tom

Ms. Writer I think I am going to vent to you now..

Reason is I've spent some energy last few days wanting to try to encourage you, and now I feel like an [censored].

For whoever cares long and short is my son has been staying here off and on the last several months. After he left the last time a week or so ago to get back with his girlfriend again he left kind of a mess on one of the living room tables. Last week I cleaned there and picked soom stuff off the cocktail table including candy wrappers and such and a ziiplock bag. They're out and gone now in garbage, He came over tonight asked if I still had the bag from that area. Thought he meant a plastic garbage bag which he had his sneakers and a few other things in. I didn't realize he meant ziplock. It was the latter and he informed me it had an expensice diamond stud earing for his ear in it. I honestly recall I threw it out along with the wrappers and other junk thinking it was a sandwich bag (he takes sandwiches to work for lunch). I didn't look clsoe because I was in a hurry. Well I feel bad. On one hand yea he should have protected it and on other I just feel bad. He was really disappointed and upset but he left on good terms. So since I didn't check I am now feeling I will set aside some money next couple of months to help him replace it. Not marriage builders at all, but just that no matter who you are people do need the opportunity to vent sometimes. Tom

Hey Tom,

Sorry about the incident with your son, but it sounds like an honest mistake, something that could have happened to anyone. I know I've accidentally thrown out things before, and it is very upsetting. I actually lost my wedding band, the original one. It had been missing for awhile, but when we were getting ready to move (this was about 11 years ago now) I knew if I didn't find it while we were packing, I probably would never see it again. I looked everywhere, but ultimately, I never did find the ring. We moved, and I had to accept the fact that I'd never see it again. I have a new ring now, but it still hurts knowing I lost that first one.

Sorry I haven't been responding much. We've been terribly busy packing for the move. It's amazing how much junk one can acquire in 10 years. I'm feeling very overwhelmed by all the work, but just hoping we'll somehow manage to get it done on time.

I'm still struggling with whether or not this is the right thing to do. A part of me feels like staying in our house and continuing to fight. After we found out that we got the apartment, we discovered that the sell date for our house was moved from April 8 to May 8 to allow more time for the loan modification to be reviewed. We still don't know if the loan mod would go through. If we gave up the apartment now and stayed in the house and waited to see what might happen with the modification, it still might not go through and then we would have to look for another apartment. It took us a long time to find an apartment that we liked in our price range, and I don't want to have to start the search all over again. My H is all for going forward with the move and forgetting about the loan mod, but it's a struggle for me. Having my home foreclosed, or doing a short sale, just doesn't feel like the honorable thing to do to me.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I am reading, even if I'm not posting much.

Hey Ms. Writer,

I have my hands full right now as Char is here, but she is taking a nap while I make some leftover meatloaf that I made last week. I hope the packing and all other things are going as well as can be, and hope your kids are helping as well.

Yea the thing I threw out was a diamond stud, and I still feel bad about it. He bought it a year ago with one of his paychecks from a job back then, and I still feel badly about it and have for this week. He should have taken it off the table and put it away but still feel bad. So have planned to help him replace it if that is what he wants now. He's in much better shape now financially as he is now working two good jobs and is able now to save for further college, which he wants.

Tom

I'm having a truly sucky day.

We're supposed to be moving tomorrow and we aren't nearly ready. We've been spending the past few days trying to find a new home for our dog. We've called hundreds of human organizations and rescues, placed ads on craigslist and petfinder, called everyone we know, sent dozens of emails - nothing. He's a sweet boy, but he's part pit bull, and that seems to be a death sentence for a dog when he has to be surrendered. Because of his breed, we couldn't find any apartments that would let us keep him. Even the ones that allow dogs up to 80 lbs. don't allow the "bully breeds." Of course, "bully" would be the last word I would ever use to describe my dog. He's the biggest baby I've ever seen.

This just really sucks. I've already called our vet to see how much it would cost to have him put down. I'd rather be there with him than have the pound do it.

I'm feeling like the worst animal mommy on earth right now.

I assure you your not. I know how you feel, Pits can be so sweet, just like dobermans. They can have dangerous habits that seem to come from nowhere, and thats why they are treated that way by people. Of course its the people that are the problem, not the dog.
I don't know it will make you feel better, but know that he won't know what is happening, and if you are with him he will just be going to sleep. He wont feel betrayed or punished, those are your feelings.

Made me cry writer hearing this, I have had to deal with this too, you are not alone. I will pray that you can find a better solution, and trust God with you that it the right thing whatever happens.

It is said that caring for your animals is a Godly thing, somewhere in proverbs, and taking account of them is also according to thier nature.

I feel so bad for you all. I googled Pit rescue in OC and found a lot, but then re-read your post and you said you've made hundreds of calls. So hard to believe that no rescue would take him.

Writer, you may qualify for debt settlement due to financial hardship for your credit cards.

It is horrendous on your credit, but it's a heck of a lot cheaper than limping along if you are over your head completely credit-card wise.

Hello everyone.

**No spamming allowed.**

writer1-

I've been poking around the forum and the MB website for the past two weeks. I began reading (got sucked into!) your thread this afternoon.

I planned to register here anyway (after I read a couple of the suggested books) but I joined today because I know of an available copy editor position that might interest you. The job can be done remotely, from home or wherever you choose.

I don't want to break TOS in my first post so I'll leave it at that until I know how I can supply contact info for you.

The support on the first 70 pages of this thread is amazing. That's where I stopped so I could leave this message.

Please contact the moderators to exchange email addresses.

Thank you