Thanks cp. Ya I've allowed far more than i should. My kids don't see me beat down very often. They see me angry and sad, but i think those are okay. I stay strong for the most part for them.

I had to take the kids to school today and i had administrators and teachers coming up to me. They all dang near had me in tears. At least the kids weren't with me at that point.

Doing ok, lost?

Yes lost give us an update k? Thinking about you.

Well things have just gone down hill with her and her attitude with things. She is completely obsessed with the om and im sick of it. Today was the first day she told me she was going to meet a lawyer and honestly i feel its about time. She has alienated her family, all of her friends at school and me as well. She has a new crowd now that is just a bunch of trash. She has no problem running around town with om now trying to show off her new catch. It just makes people sick to see her.

Her parents made a visit to mine saturday to apologize for there daugters actions. they spent a couple of hours over there and all they could do is say they were sorry and that they were behind me 100%. Her mother wants to go to counseling to learn what she should do as she wants to disown her daughter and feels she needs to talk to someone outside the family.

I met her tonight to get the kids and told her she didnt need to go talk to a lawyer, we could work out a settlement on out own and then go get the paperwork done. she agreed. I told her i dont agree with what she is doing and that i would continue to pray for her to make the right decisions and come home to her kids but there is really very little to no hope of that anytime soon.

Im just so tired of dealing with her and she is so obsessed with om i feel like im married to him instead. My mil was not to happy to hear what i had to say about talking divorce, but she completely understands that i have had enough. I told her that she will have a couple of months after filing if she wants to try to work at her anymore because i have done all i can do and im tired of beating a dead horse.

I had stopped posting here as i have made zero progress and had nothing but bad news anyways. Ive been out of energy with dealing with her and dont know how much i really care anymore. She has done so much damage to our relationship and still to this day not one "Im sorry". Ive actually been pulling some magic out of my pocket and have had the upper hand on this situation the last week and she has flipped out on me lol. I think that is what has driven her to lawyer, but she has been talking Div since the begining anyways.

So there you have it in a nutshell. There has been a lot of crap for the last several weeks, but like i said im out of energy over the matter. Maybe going to lawyer and seperating things will make an impact on her, nothing else has.

Lost - I'm sorry to hear about the status of your situation, but on a basic level I think I understand. I definitely get the fatigue factor. I'm wore down too. I'm happy that your inlaws are supportive. You know she'll never be able to outrun this label, if it goes to a D. Some day your kids will know what steps daddy took to try and save his marriage to mommy - take solace and comfort in that.

This isn't about you, as much as it is about her and her choices. You know that! So, start planning for a dark plan B and try to go out and have fun. Rekindle a neglected hobby or find a new one, enjoy, and I mean really enjoy, time with the kids. Start building a new life where your time and energy are focused on positive things and events - not negative ones.

Good luck - remember - the best revenge is to live well! That's my motto whenn I look at my situation.

I really wish I could offer you some good advice lostman, but I'm kind of in the same boat as you and Andy except my WW has moved out and living with OM and his parents. Now she's talking about leasing a house, but swears he will not live with her. Fog babble tho. The biggest impact that I have had on her is to show I am moving on with or without her.

I took a female friend for a ride on my motorcycle last week and she seen us. That really got to her. Now she is talking like she wants to see me every week. I feel I have turned the situation and now I am the OM. I told her if she got her own place and he moved in, that I was going to file for D and never speak to her again. Thats when she started back peddling. But talk is cheap, I will have to see some action to believe she wants to start working on 'us' again.

Good luck guys. I still read your threads and hope for the best for everyone.

What is exactly is D-day? and BS mean? But I admire you both for still wanting to work and being willing to work on the marriage after all that. I would not only live well, but as far as getting an extra friend or new love interest of your own. I am a sound beleiver in not opening that door until you have closed the other door, meaning don't get someone new talk to your minister, family or a councelor but don't get a girl-friend. Because it only puts you in the same boat as her, and two wrongs don't make it right.

I do understand the need to feel like you are good too, and that what can you offer someone, no your own worth.. Get into you DO YOU and DO IT WELL, get into your kids and live free from regret that you have done all you can, and rest assured in that fact. She will miss her water when her well runs dry. That saying is still good and fits this very situation.

Best of luck!

Thanks guys. Ive been working on having a good time. there has been many instances anymore when she wants to talk to kids or ask why something did or didn't happen. All i can generally say is we were so busy we didn't have time. I'm building a good relationship with the boys and they are actually coming to the point where they really don't enjoy there time with mom anymore. I'm not the one that's causing that damage, she is. They made the comment to me this weekend that its just not the same with her anymore and that she is always on the phone. I was told that her new friends on face book are atheist, lesbians and partiers.

I still hardly sleep at night and im still losing some weight. but i guess that's partly a bonus. i feel and look better than i have in ten years lol. But i am tired. If div comes and it looks that it is, there will be nobody to blame but herself. Ive done everything to keep mom home and she chose not to.

Sorry to state the obvious, but it sounds like if you want to have a chance at recovery that you are going to have to go to Plan B - your LB$ is critically low.

Remember that Plan B is to protect you from her continued adultery and conserve your LB$ while the A dies a natural death. It is also to pull the rug of your support out from underneath the adulteress and her actions so that the affair has to start facing reality.

It sounds like you may be able to talk to your in-laws about being IMs.

If you have it in the tank, sounds like the move.

i may have forgot to mention that she is living with om and she starts a full time job tomorrow. She says she wants a place of her own (whatever). Im really not in this to save it anymore. If she has a change of heart its up to her and i would listen to what she has to say. I have exhausted trying and im ready for something different. Ya that hurts to say it, but a man can only take so much. She knows nothing about what i do anymore, which isnt really much being that i have kids 90% of the time. Dont want it any other way either. I dont need her to infect them as well.

Lost - I'm very sorry to read the disappointment and heartbreak in your last posts. I'm with HHH, time for plan B and use the inlaws as intermediaries if you can. That way the kids feel connected to that side of the family in a positive way. I wish I could do something similar, but all our family is 1000s of miles away.

After that, give your WW line to run. She'll hang herself in time - then see what happens. If she decides to contact you, then you have a decision to make. Regardless, start the new life. I did it with my ex-wife and she contacted me out of blue about 18 months after our D was final. I was in a relationship (with my current WW) and basically told her I was well and to have a nice life. I had moved on and wasn't willing to play her games any more. If I wind up with another D, I'll do the same thing as much as possible. It's different with a child being involved, but the same principle applies. In my opinion, the best revenge is to live well.

living well is probably the best revenge. trying to get to that point. Ya I'm heart broke and tired of being dumped on(her family is to). But its time to start moving forward. Maybe she come crashing down and maybe not. time will tell, but the longer it takes the more she screws her chances up.

Lost - I'm in 100% agreement with you. My WWs pride and stubborness could very well be her undoing in all of this. It's actually one of my fears - she'll recognize that she's wrong, but she'll be too proud to admit it. Oh well, there's nothing I can do to control that. The fact that DS is going to be affected is what bothers me the most!

Andy sounds alot like me. Her pride and stubbornness may prevent her from ever admitting she is wrong and repenting to everyone. The fact that she has 4 kids at home and she doesnt care is very concerning. She acts like she cares but actions speak louder than words.

Lost - I think that's a source of conflict in our WWs. They can't reconcile the 'single life' with motherly instincts about their kids. Kids are the ultimate, physical manifestation of family - it's you and the kids on the one side and the single life/affair on the other side. Ultimately, you have one or the other, but you can't have both. In the short term, it is very concerning that she doesn't seem to care about her kids - but that's the nature of the fog. That's why you have to keep your wits about you and take care of the kids. It's all about priorities - she does't rank right now. They come first.

Now you are the strong parent and representation of God in the home. WW has turnred into a wayward child, beyond just some affair, she is abandoning everything that has kept her safe, in this reckless rebeliuosness.

I am glad you are moving on LostM, and that this infection has been brought out in front, through your family and church, and whatever part this site and MCs have had. As I read your story it reminds me of when I am reflecting about my own descisions I made on how I would "deal" with my late WW. I suffered for years falsely taking on the responsibility for her choices, and blaming myself as I thought I had some character flaw that gave her the right to hurt me and the children, even though I knew what would happen to her if she didn't get help, it would kill her. It did not help me to stay in that Limbo, it sucked me dry personnaly and emotionally. You can see/feel how that can happen now, and the wisdom of cutting her out of your life and the childrens also, hence Plan B, to save yourself. You are not responsible for the nasty decisions of others who know they are under Gods care as adults.

Its been said before, that its not "marriage at any cost", I believe that God would agree with that and protect you from such a foolish idea, because He allready paid that cost for us.

I know that getting the D is a measure towards moving on now, and legally it is the right thing to do to protect yourself and the kids, but remember it is the inner man that God addresses, and the spiritual health you seek will take time also being removed from WW life and the damage she is doing to all of you.

Please continue to seek God and his counsel, along with the angels he put here on this earth who represent his healing spirit and counsel, Pastors, Therapists, and those on the brave side of the battles in life, as they hold up a standard,(A flag on the battle field), to guide you. It will take time and good thought habits along with Gods truth to heal this damage and restore you and the children.

They say, "Wise men still seek him", I guess we are forced to seek Him when pain brings about the need to understand, and we trust in His authority, as we seek our spiritual Father. You will get through this.


Straight up advice is, do everything leagally to seperate yourself from seeing her and being responsible for her in every way, and if you can, avoid the D, but the emotional consequences that you are left with will only go when you do not see her, or know anything about her, even after the D. She doesn't respect M anyway, or trust God either, so D is just a legal ploy to her.


Sorry you are going through this but you will get through it by Gods Grace.

Yeah Andy, that post made me feel better about my priorities, and how I saw them at 19 when I had my first DS. Thank you.

That is what is so terrible about the choices our wifes made to be with us, that we have become such cuckolds and they "mistook kindness for weakness".

Thank God for this site and its support so men and women don't have to live in the false projection of others who would so use us.

CP - thanks, but I don't know how I can make anyone feel better at this point. On this board, I'm a drunk, blind man, stumbling around in the dark looking for the light switch.

I view my WW (and other WS) as lost souls - I actually think my WW is ulitmately a good person that made a terrible series of decisions, culminating in an affair. However, that being said, she is the 'enemy' right now. She's the one that's trying to leave the marriage. She did mistake my kindness for weakness. I feel my strength is returning now, within limits. Her strength seems to be waning, but she has flashes of strength. It's a battle of wits and wills and patience (on my part). I have no idea how it's going to turn out in the end and I have no expectations and no illusions. There will be more dark days for me and that sucks.

Your comment about wits made me think of one of my favorite sayings.

"Momma allways told me its not fair to have a battle of Wits with an unarmed person"

How that for objective? lol

thanks for all of the input guys. It really is helpful listening to people like you on this forum. My ww has apparently had so many issues building up for so long that have gone unattended that it will never be a simple fix for her. Not just with me, but with kids, siblings, parents, and her inner self and god. Her biggest problem is she is not happy with herself and she thinks what she is doing now is what makes her happy. When reality sets she will be right back at square one. Makes me sad when she is ruining her family to explore the unknown looking for happiness when it was right in front of her. She just quit dealing with lifes issues and started running from them.