This is good for two reasons: she knows she doesn't have enough emotionally invested in him to leave everything she has now, and she's indicated to you that she is addicted to him. This A should be easily killed in that case. You need to hit all of your exposure targets asap so that the A is completely exposed and she's unable to spin it into a "platonic friendship" that you're "getting all crazy about."

Well she actually hasn't indicated she is addicted to him....I have indicated it to her. I don't know if she realizes it.

I don't think she realizes how much the affair damages our contact when I try to work on the marriage.

I really think once the affair is killed is how she will react to me will be completely different and provided the opportunity for recovery. There is hope to kill it.

I guess I am still in Plan A.

What I am kind of wondering is how my level of snooping should be in plan A....with us both being off work...I don't know I felt it wasn't helping. Maybe that was because she was trying to get away with contact still.

SHould I keep the reins on her as tight as possible?


Maybe I was just overly suspicious...I mistook a few things in my paranoia. I have mental health history and my paranoia, anxiety, etc. led me to start gettting that managed with meds once again. I guess keep the reins on but be more sensitive to being overbearing or jumping to wrong conclusions....just be smarter about it I guess.

Snoop your butt off so you can continually raise as much hell as possible in the affair. Snoop to find out about any meetings then show up at the meeting. Keep the pressure on.


Your suspicions were well founded. Nothing irrational about them.

SHe wants relaxed snooping restrictions, she changed some passwords...

How do I handle that?

Ok.

Aside from her wanting any relaxed snooping I have a very valid question.

What EXACTLY have been your mental health issues? I am asking this b/c we need to know what could have been huge love busters on your end. Have your issues with any mental issues affected YOUR MARRIAGE?

I can understand as a woman and a mom how your ww could be stressed to the max with six children, and one with special needs, but what else is going on that is not being revealed here? I feel we're missing part of the story. Important part.

I had basically a mental breakdown one time after the other affair. THey have been a concern, but managed and have not been a huge love buster over time. I have been healthy and off all meds for 90% of the marriage.

How do you handle that? You snoop MORE. Her request should indicate to you that she is hiding something. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Tell her you have a right to know everything she does and her request for SECRECY only makes you more convinced that you need to STEP UP your snooping because she is cruel and dangerous. Tell her you intend to do that.

DEMAND that she end her affair and hand over all of her passwords to prove her fidelity.

Just wanted to know. Sorry that happened to you, and yes it is understandable the pain and agony of an affair. Glad all is well w/you considering the situation now.

Melody is right. When somebody is living a morally intact life, they don't have a prob with you knowing anything about them. Your wife or husband will be ok with them letting you see their cell phone or their online password.

I would let her know that part of the provision of recovery for the MB program is to have a transparent relationship, HIDING NOTHING, and that is to help the betrayed spouse slowly begin to rebuild their trust, and for the affair to become something only of the past.

Tell her that it's part of what a well-respected program, with amazing results requires of the marriage partners to do in order to heal from the selfishness of adultery.

She doesn't need to BLAME YOU at all. it is the only way to a recovery. Without openeness and honesty, there's not much to a marriage truthfully. Don't let her gaslight you into thinking something must be wrong with you mentally, if you can't simply be ok with her secret behaviors. That's gaslighting dude.

Well once she agrees to recovery again hopefully I can.

Right now I pushed her away so much she is unsure and revising our history negatively.

I am finished with exposure and hoping planA Gets us back to recovery

I think she picked him up and went to the beach with him.

How long should I stick with plan A?

Her mom is experienced at divorce, if it comes to plan b how do I do it f she refuses to leave the house?

I think rather her AFFAIR has pushed her away. I would continue to cause as much trouble as possible in her affair. Confront her about her cruel behavior and demand she end her affair. Tell her this will lead to divorce.

I think some minimal progress has been made.

The exposure I think has been effective.....She is not as mad anymore. SHe appears to say lets just kind of hold on, stop the affair, and start off for now just being friends.

The first 2 weeks I guess I was putting too much pressure on fixing the marriage and her pulling her weight on that. HOpefully, if she sticks with this plan A will beging to work. I guess for Plan B to begin I would have to file for legal seperation.....

Blaze, I would tell her you have no interest in being her "friend," that you are her husband. Tell her if she doesn't end the affair that you will have nothing to do with her when this goes to divorce.

Are you making plans to pay a visit to loserboy?

blaze, this is not progress. This is called negotiating. She is negotiating with you in order to keep OM in the picture. She has no intention of stopping the A. She has clearly shown you that.

You need to snoop, my friend. And quit insinutating that anything you have done has caused this A. She made a choice to have one. It's that simple.

I still plan on snooping....

I will be aware if she sees OM.

The idea of being just friends is just a temporary solution to live peacefully and allow me to deposit love units to work torwards restoration. Basically what I mean is that I am not going to pressure her and make demands that she meet my needs right away. I just want to make sure the affair is over. She seems to be in that spot, that if we split she doesn't want it to be becoause of OM. I think the exposure really helped get her there.

I got back my copy of survivng an affair that I lent out and am going to start reading it again.

With her and me off work right now she wont see him if she has the kids, only if she dumps them off. She lied about seeing him yesterday, but they didn't stay at his house. He doesn't have a car so it makes it easy to know when she sees him by checking gps. She can't hide it right now. The curren place we are at seems the best place to begin plan A. Just friends is not the permamnent solution, I am not saying that and neither is she. But friends with om out of the picture seems like the most progress we have made. I just hope OM is out of the picture and I will know if he's not and continue to snoop and not trust her.

I am not making plans to visit him, I decided against that. I know he will just want to fight. I can tell by there conversations. He is thriving on this and what it does for his ego.

If I visit him he will try to beat me up I am convinced.

Oh and I plan on putting my foot down as far as her dumping the kids off on me and if I don't allow it she doesn't have anyone else who will enable her.

You mean to say you're worried he'd FIGHT you? Heck Blaze, he's already doing that now to you and boinking wife.

I'd go to his door, have a friend stand nearby with a video camera rolling, and a cell phone or two handy. With police on speed dial.

I'd expose to this posom face to face,and if he laid one hand on you, you'd have proof and also a witness to have him arrested.

Isn't this guy the violent type anyway? Most of the time, (my xh actually beat up his now xw recently)those who are violent to women TOTALLY WUSS OUT WHEN IT COMES TO MEN. They only want to hurt smaller people, like me, but are freaked out and scared totally when it comes to STANDING UP TO A REAL MAN.

Has my xwh tried to go at it with a guy? Nope. He's a wussy. Only wants to harm the fairer sex one way or another. I suspect this dude is the same.

Just come prepared and you need to let him know you will not ALLOW him to continue the affair with your wife. Tell him that you're going to END THIS AFFAIR. And that you will not make things easy, in fact, you tell this pos that you will REIGN HELL down on him if he tries to destroy your family.

Remember you're not threatening HIM exactly saying this, you're telling him you'll make it extremely difficult to carry on the affair. So no worries at all.

Yes, I think he would just fight with me right away if I confronted. HE is the type who likes physical fights with these guys. He is bigger than me. I have thought that even if did beat me up it might be a good thing but have been convinced otherwise for now. What is MB advice?

Yes I am in a fight with him to save my marriage, but is it good advice to confront him face to face?

HE is on Parole....would it basically be if she goes to him just show up and tell him to knock it off and that I am there fighting for my marriage or something?

Is face to face confrontation with OM what Dr. Harley recommends?