And ... never mind, maybe. What's not working, for her, is that I'm still having angry outbursts.

And that's not up to her to fix. That's my job, which I've got to own, and make her feel safe.

MelodyLane (or anybody, but ML, please comment!), help me with something. What is the right thing for me to do about my resentment that we haven't been getting 15 hours of undivided attention time with each other? I am really resentful about this problem. When the plans change, even though I know Prisca may not have a choice or may not be doing it intentionally, it really frustrates me and triggers a powerful emotional reaction, like last week when I was bawling into my pillow.

I realize that this is not the same type of resentment as if Prisca were actively doing something that offends me. I realize that this kind of resentment is temporary and will eventually be gone when we are filling our weeks with 15 or more hours of UA that we both enjoy. I realize that I have no right to demand that Prisca join me in UA. And I am intensely aware that Dr. Harley told me not to go to Prisca and tell her it bothers me when she declines to do something, because it is an attempt to guilt Prisca into doing what I want. So I absolutely must avoid doing anything that Prisca feels is a disrespectful judgment (including an attempt to manipulate her with guilt) and I absolutely must grant Prisca the right to decline at any time, for her own protection and safety as well as a lot of other reasons.

But I'm still left with this resentment when we aren't getting that time together, and we are not.

Here's my question: when and how should I talk to Prisca about this resentment, if at all? I would like to move to a place where this is not one of the things that is upsetting me.

This resentment is really made all the more powerful by the memories of the way she raged against me last year when I tried to say we weren't following the program and even more so by the discovery that all that time she had no intention of following it. But I know not to talk about the mistakes of the past.

But that just makes it so much more powerful.

I've been thinking about your AOs Markos. I can so relate. Much of my last marriage was poisoned by that kind of behavior---from both of us. The more you give in to it, the more damage is done. More and more time will be needed to undo the damage.

I've known my current husband for 8 months. I can only recall 2 times feeling that hot rush of fury rising up in me. I can literally feel it creep up the side of my face. Once it was over something VERY trivial and another time it had to do with my son. Neither time resulted in an AO. I've analyzed my reactions and recovery time...and I've come to some interesting conclusions. Both times I SHUT UP. I realized I was on the verge of an AO and so I just pressed my lips together and shut up. Over the trivial matter I quickly realized I was being ridiculous and gave myself a good talking too and did some relaxation exercises and just 'got over it'. The other time it was NOT a trivial matter at all, but I also just SHUT UP. Several hours passed, including a meal where I had to keep my anger hidden from our children...then when the kids were in bed and dh and I were in our bedroom, I was able to discuss what made me so upset.

Now the interesting thing is how my dh assisted me in these situations. He did not press me at all and he was kind to me even though he clearly knew something was wrong. That kind of space was what my first husband NEVER gave me and instead would press me when I was at my most frustrated and well, it usually led to huge fights with AOs on both sides.

I am empowered by realizing that that white hot rage does not have to control me. I can live through it--I can 'be wrathful and yet not sin'.

Oh, and my dh has expressed appreciation for the space I've allowed him when he had a moment of anger (at a project not at me)....

How does Prisca help you or hinder you through AOs? I am thinking she needs to work on her reactions to them when she sees them coming. And that doesn't mean I think your AOs are her responsibility....but she could probably help more than she realizes.

Yesterday Prisca seemed to be pretty depressed and despondent. She was telling me that she feels like no matter what she does, she'll never measure up to what I want, that it'll never be enough.

I could tell she really wasn't feeling good, so I went home with the goal of making the most enjoyable evening possible for her. We put the kids to bed, but after some of them were a little jumpy, we piled everyone in the car to drive to another town an hour away and have ice cream. The kids fell asleep one by one on the way. We had about an hour and a half of mostly good conversation about things we enjoy. Prisca seemed to enjoy it and participated, although sometimes she did seem to get quiet. I'd say the conversation was probably overbalanced toward me talking more, but that's a little bit typical for us as Prisca is less talkative and I am more talkative (I know -- big shock, right?), and this is not what I want for our conversation but I'm trying my best to keep the conversation going, make it enjoyable for her, and encourage her to participate.

I thought the evening went pretty well overall and she seemed to enjoy it. We talked awhile after we got home then cuddled up in bed and watched television and fell asleep. Late.

Now we have had it on our schedule this week to get up at 6 AM each morning. But Prisca has been unhappy about that since Tuesday, we haven't done it the last couple of days, she's been telling me how the POUA is making her feel stressed and like she is on trial, and she's been canceling things we had planned this week.

So I wasn't really thinking about this explicitly, but since Prisca was not feeling good yesterday, since we were up late, and since she's been so stressed about following UA time, I never once thought that she wanted me to wake her up at 6 AM this morning. I assumed she would want me to leave her alone and let her sleep in as long as possible. (She's also been saying she hasn't been getting enough sleep.) So I got up a little later, kissed Prisca goodbye and told her I loved her, and left for work.

This morning we talked for awhile by IM and then she asked why I skipped our scheduled UA time.

I realize I screwed up here and didn't think to talk over plans with her and see what she wanted. I've apologized for that and acknowledged that to her. But she's still upset; I guess she's seeing me as hypocritical. I certainly want us to have all of our UA time. I just have no idea what she wants and am trying to do the best I can. She does not always want to answer me when I ask how she feels and what she wants.

I feel like I can't win for losing ... trying to do so much to please her, and I miss the mark, and on top of that she attacks me.

Can someone please advise me what to do, here?

How do I talk about this, in the way she wants, and answer her questions and respond to her concerns? I don't understand.

Sent at 8:51 AM on Friday
Prisca: did you not want UA this morning?
me: I did but I assumed since we were up so late that I couldn't ask for it
Sent at 9:04 AM on Friday
me: Did I disappoint you?
I don't mean to make it a choice between last night and this morning, or anything,
I just made what was apparently a bad assumption.
Sent at 9:09 AM on Friday
Prisca: ok
Sent at 9:19 AM on Friday
me: Did I disappoint you, Prisca?
Sent at 9:26 AM on Friday
me: Are you scared to say, or fearful that you shouldn't say?
I'm sorry, not trying to badger you about your feelings.
You don't have to say if you don't want to, but if you want to talk about it, I'm willing to listen.
I'm sorry I didn't get an understanding with you about it last night.
Sent at 9:32 AM on Friday
Prisca: yyou probably shouldn't hear what i'm thinking
Sent at 9:37 AM on Friday
me: okay.
Sent at 9:45 AM on Friday
Prisca: i can't take this
Sent at 9:54 AM on Friday
Prisca: what do you want from me
me: right now, time to think
I'm not sure what you want from me.
I screwed up. I thought what I was doing would make you happy. Apparently I misunderstood some things. I'm sorry.
I thought you were feeling like the morning UA time was a big pressure on you right now.
Sent at 10:02 AM on Friday
Prisca: You put me through hell over not getting UA right, yet you decide on your own to skip it
why would you hound me about not following POUA, then decide to skip UA?
Sent at 10:05 AM on Friday
Prisca: you there?
me: I'm here; I'm not sure what to say.
Sent at 10:15 AM on Friday
Prisca: do you not want to answer my question?
Sent at 10:18 AM on Friday
Prisca: you there?
me: I am here, sorry, I just now was involved in making a major stressful change to a customer machine.
I'm sorry, Prisca, I should have talked with you about our plans this morning, and because I didn't you were left disappointed. I am really sorry for messing it up for you.
Sent at 10:25 AM on Friday
Prisca: you haven't heard me
Sent at 10:29 AM on Friday
me: I'm sorry, can you try again?
Sent at 10:32 AM on Friday
Prisca: no
Sent at 10:33 AM on Friday
me: I'm not sure what answer you are looking for from me.
I told you why: I thought you were feeling like the morning UA time was a big pressure on you right now.
Sent at 10:37 AM on Friday
Prisca: I skip UA, and I'm not committed to MB. You skip UA, and your reason is valid.
Sent at 10:39 AM on Friday

I am at a standstill and scared to death to say anything more to her for fear I will make the situation worse.

I can see why should would feel like there is some hypocrisy on my part. And I can see why this would be a painful trigger for her and reminder of my recent angry outburst.

But to me there's a very real difference here that I can't overlook: Prisca often backs out of a planned activity or agreement because she doesn't feel like doing it any more. It's a choice made for her. The reason I didn't wake her up this morning was not because I didn't want to have UA time. I certainly did. It was because I didn't think she wanted to do it and I knew that this had become very troubling for her. It was also a choice made for her.

Which makes my taker wake up and start to feel resentful. I've acknowledged I made a mistake here ... must I be treated like my intentions were selfish, too, when they were not? I don't understand what she is wanting.

Prisca sends me the message that she wants me to be flexible, open to change, be willing to do things other than what we planned all the time, be impulsive, etc. But then when I actually do this and miss the mark, she attacks me.

That's the crux of it, I think. What do I say?

It turns out something was really bothering Prisca today, something she is right to be bothered by. I should have known this would be bothering her today.

Late last night as we were talking, I revealed to Prisca something I did in our early marriage, something I should have told her long ago and did not. She didn't say much about it, and didn't mention it until the middle of the day today. But we are now talking about it, and I'm glad.

What I told Prisca about was an incident early in our marriage when I went looking for unsavory materials online. In Prisca's words this was "equivalent to porn," and I agree. No wonder she is upset today. She had no idea I had done this, and definitely wants to know why I never told her earlier.

Today is Prisca's D-Day.

Never mind all of the above. All that matters right now is the betrayal she is experiencing. I have trickle-truthed my dear wife.

The one good thing, at this point, is that there is nothing else to reveal. There are no other secrets, nothing else I've done without her knowledge.

I could still use some help with this question.

In less than stellar circumstances, I just tried to tell Prisca about this resentment. She responded that it wasn't her fault that I felt resentful.

It sounds to me like she is saying that the solution to problems is I should just change how I feel, which is pretty much the antithesis of this program.

Feeling pretty hopeless right now. I feel like I gave everything, and it didn't work, and I don't have much else to give.

Are you resentful because you feel she is purposefully not meeting your desire for UA?

She has 6 young children. I don't know how she does ANYTHING for herself or for you. I understand that MBs says the marriage MUST come first, but it seems that life will sometimes require an adjustment to a hard and fast rule of 15 hours a week.

I do think you can decide to stop being resentful. You can keep reminding her of your needs and your agreements with regard to any EN...but you can let go of the resentment. It is hurting you and her.

SmilingWoman, if you were to take a guess, what sort of things do you imagine that I'm asking for?

Time. You ask for time. And I imagine it is in short supply.

That is what I imagine. You tell me though, what do you ask for?

Time is right. I'd like time to shop for the groceries and do the other things Prisca wishes I would do. I'd also like to spend time with Prisca so she doesn't feel lonely all the time. She tells me frequently that she feels lonely.

I had my third session with my anger management therapist today. SmilingWoman, I know you'll be happy to hear that he talked to me about ways to stay in conversations longer without having to leave due to frustration.

I know Prisca will be happy when she starts seeing that, too.

So help me out here....do you want time WITH her, or time ALONE to help her out with ds?

I became a mother of one at age 35. I was and remain a SAHM and I homeschool my son. I had one of the worst marriages in recorded history. However, I have NEVER felt lonely. I felt sad that my marriage was horrible and that my now XH would not share our life. But I wasn't lonely. I had lots of friends and lots of contact with grown ups.

Does she have any of that?

Or is her lonliness from feeling so disconnected from you?

Yes,I am happy about that. I really really sympathize with you on this battle...it is a real demon and I really feel that I have overcome it. I feel it most still when dealing with my son. Do you feel it with your children or only with Prisca?

My dh tells me stories of his youth...and I say to him, 'what a jerk. I don't think I would have liked you much.' He says to me, 'I think you had similar battles.' I agree...and tell him I worked really really hard to stop that because I didn't want to 'be' that kind of person. He says it is exactly the same for him. He is a very controlled, kind, godly man. And it came about with MUCH work, MUCH prayer and MUCH 'putting on the new personality'.

Don't get me wrong Markos....I think Prisca is also VERY angry...you both need work. But I think you can do it. I figure you are about 30. I was around that age when I got control of myself.

Well, both of those would be great. Both of those are things she wants. But her personal preference is for time between the two of us.


It's from feeling so disconnected to me. She doesn't believe that pursuing other friendships can fill that void, and I tend to agree.

She is right that NOTHING (but you) can fill that void. I really see that now that I have a wonderful dh. I was determined to keep my ds's family in tact and I totally shut off all 'needs' related to my marriage.

I am a little confused though. WHY is it such a problem for you two to spend time together?

What I've seen so far is that when she tries to talk to you, you use it as an excuse to attack her about other things. IOWs, you don't make UA time pleasant.

What do you see the problem being?