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Originally Posted By: FightingADivorce
It has frustrated me that our marriage counselor has not yet recommended that any measures be taken to completely sever the ties on this affair.


Because the "counselor" doesn't have the slightest idea how to save your marriage or he would be doing that. That is why. Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, would tell you this:

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

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Of course, my WW won't actually say that saving our marriage is exactly what she wants. Any reason why this is so??


Yes, because she is high on an affair. She is in a fog. A falling down drunk doesn't know what he wants either and your wife has the exact same mentality as a falling down drunk. Until you separate him from his booze. Therefore the solution is to kill her affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You need to do serious recon on the OM and do not believe he might not be married. They will (waywards) lie to cover up exposure.

Exposure is the enemy of the affair. It makes the secret crap they do not fun anymore and definitely not in secret.

Is OM on Facebook? I'm sure you can find him. And his family and friends. Facebook is a great method of exposing quickly and to alot of their friends.

Also, you need to put a var in her vehicle (voice activated recorder). You need to hear what they are saying when you aren't there. It will help you understand what a wayward does and help you see how serious a situation this is.

You see, it is HARDER to lovebust (doing things that make a relationship fall apart) for the affair mongers if they aren't living a real life and in person. It's easy for this posom to be prince charming because he really doesn't have to DO ANYTHING. He just talks sweet, lies, and twists the truth.

She is believing fairy tales right now. Smoke and mirrors. This guy probably likes things as they are right now. Maybe getting some on the side with your ww? But he has very little to do. He probably doesn't want to be an instant daddy to your kids. He probably doesn't want marriage or anything, but as good time.

Another thing, you might find out on FB that this guy would be divorced BUT IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP too. Those who will lie and cheat and hurt your marriage, will have no problem lying or cheating to their affair partner!

Your ww is probably suffering from what us women get called "overwhelmed". Lack of en's getting met, combined with work, stress from being a mom, and feeling like we come home from one job only to start another job. Cook dinner, help kids w/homework or something kid-related each day. You need to Plan A your butt off right now!

Find out what your ww's top EN's are and also what she is missing and feels she's missed out on. It could be she is needing to feel she's cherished and treasured. This is so silly sounding, but seriously it's true. My sil and bil have a beautiful M, for 20 years now and married when he was in med school. But how they've remained so happy is this:
1)they go on family vacations
2)each year they take a couples' getaway vacation (at least 3 days them alone somewhere romantic and fun)
3)he sends her flowers on special days and gets jewelry to commemorate special days.

You might not think things like that are important to us, but they are. When you quit courting a girl, she withdraws. And when she begins to feel overwhelmed, then I think that is when a woman could become a candidate for a potential affair. When I get to feeling that way (the overwhelmed feeling comes on), my dh and I have some sort of quick vacation (we just got back from a family spring break trip).


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Have you exposed the affair yet?

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Originally Posted By: FightingADivorce
. . . my WW won't actually say that saving our marriage is exactly what she wants.

I spent 18 months trying to get my wife to tell me what she wanted. She never did. The reason is because is she answered truthfully, it would be something like "I am very self-centered and selfish, so I want you to be around when I need you to pay the bills, mow the lawn, clean the house, take out the trash, screw me on the rare occasion when I feel like I need it, help take care of the kids, etc., etc., but I don't want to commit to being your wife anymore and I could care less about your needs.". That's called being a wayward wife.


Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12

'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin

'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
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Yep. As Linus mentioned earlier, the fact that OM is 10 hours away is meaningless. It is still an affair and a serious threat to your marriage. In fact, since it may be primarily emotional only at this point (if you believe that), it may be harder to fight than a one night stand type of thing.

As JL said, you really need to gather data and find out exactly what you are dealing with. You KNOW You can't trust your WW right now. Get the facts for yourself to determine what you wish to do about it. Listen to the folks on here. They know what they are talking about.

By the way, my WXW started an online affair with a married man in Australia, 10,000 miles away. It developed into a physical affair with him coming here to see her and later her going there for two months. Don't underestimate the power of the fantasy. Fight it now and fight hard while you still have a chance.


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She may also be sending emails from a public computer, like at the public library or an internet cafe.


BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011

Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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Here is where I am at now:

I have been running with Plan A hard. WW seems to have been very receptive to it, in so much as we haven't been fighting and she is even reciprocating a bit.

Found text messages today to OM (of course she has been lying and saying they weren't currently talking). They are in a little bit of a fight themselves because she feels like OM is starting to ignore her a bit and she got mad because he didn't respond to a text she sent for like 3 days.

I confronted her with the texts and she said the relationship is dying out because now she realizes he has just been using her to get off (phone sex). However, one of her texts read that she missed him like crazy.

I lost my temper a bit and got mad about the continued communication with him. Now we aren't talking and my Plan A is off the tracks.

What should I do? Try to get back on Plan A?

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Confronting your wife over her behavior is not against plan A. It's normal and you need to take steps to end this contact. It doesn't sound like you've exposed, but I'll have to read your full thread to tell.

But your lack of success in stopping contact tells me there has been no exposure and you're functioning on hope.

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Ok. I just read what little you've written. Exposure kills affairs. You haven't done it. So you're not on plan A. You're in doormat mode. It's one where you act nice, tolerate her contact with OM, and hope she just stops on her own. Not going to happen until you expose.

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EXPOSE! She's using you big time.
You're never going to make progress until the affair is over, and the best weapon you have is exposure.
Until then, Plan A is a waste of time.


Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12

'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin

'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
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Originally Posted By: FightingADivorce


I lost my temper a bit and got mad about the continued communication with him. Now we aren't talking and my Plan A is off the tracks.

What should I do? Try to get back on Plan A?



She's trying to punish you for daring to tell her not to cheat on you. You realize how asinine (yet true) that is, right?

Plan A isn't about being a doormat and letting her blatantly strut around with her boyfriend. To the contrary, it's your job to protect you and your children from this type of behavior.

Tell her to knock it off now. That you won't have her cheating on you while you and your children are in this house. Further, her doing this childish silent treatment is so juvenile that she really needs to leave the house if she's going to be doing that or continuing her adultery. You've got two children already, you don't need a third and she needs to grow up.

Then expose this to everyone you can think of on her and her boyfriend's side.

The sooner you stop putting up with this, the sooner you take back control over your life. And since she won't provide a good example for your children (you know they model their future relationships on what they see growing up) then you have to step up to the plate for them.

She'll pitch a fit, of course, when you stand up for yourself, but they all do it. It's in their playbook, on page 32. smile

Go for it, take back the reins here.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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