Please don't try to think for me, most of your assumptions are wrong. I found out we've attended the same highschool. The timeline of him contacting me while she was pregnant with their (only) child is what hits me most. She hasn't been an abstract thought to me since I found out.

I've just lost what I thought to be the love of my life, someone I've known (or at least thought to know) for over six years. That hurts pretty bad. Reality has already kicked in. No need to rub extra salt in the wounds. I'm not a complete idiot, but a reasonably sane woman, trying to stand upright and do what is best in this crazy situation. Cut me some slack.

I will immediately cut you slack when you tell us that you called your boyfriend's wife and talked to her about this. Immediately. I will totally respect you for that.

My post was a post to remind you of your boyfriend's wife's reality. Your hesitation in contacting her tells me that you don't think a lot of her. I wanted to disabuse you of your error in thinking.

I'm looking forward to hearing what happened after you called her. You're planning to do this tomorrow, yes?

Remember, what goes around comes around. Some day when you marry, you may find yourself in her shoes.

Sigh, do the right thing and learn from your mistakes.

I get you are trying to do the right thing, sanity, and that's great.

You are trying, but you have to follow through. You may be hurting and you are feeling deceived and betrayed by this liar, but you need to follow through.

I have one more question for you. How did this end and when and why? It seems quite recent. Please, for me, explain that.

I know you're mourning what you thought was real love and a relationship, but it was a house of cards. I know what it's like to be lied to also, and betrayed from somebody I dated for several months two years after my divorce. He wasn't married, but had been seeing a woman at work for a year, and conveniently OMITTED that fact. But when I found out? I ended promptly with no chance of ever reconnection.

That's another thing. You need to get through to the wayward husband (your xbf) that there will be no reconnection at all. You need to do everything you can to extinguish that from happening, and seriously, by telling the bw the truth of what has happened, that will probably do the trick.

I'm sorry you were hurt by him. Just imagine if it was not six years you spent with this turdboy, but say ten years and you were married, had a mortgage and lots of bills and a few children running around with him when you found out he had betrayed you then? It would be a sadder tale than it is now.

Wish you well.

Sanity,

I realize that you are hurting as well in this situation it just shows you the awful impact that affairs have on everyone involved, it is nothing but a selfish cruel way to act..........You think it was love, there was nothing loving about what your boyfriend did. He used you, lied to you and eventually would have left you for his family............where would you be then............
The woman this man is married to deserves to decide what happens to her life........
This man is a snake for hurting both of you...........
You are in love with a fantasy life, when you break that down to reality what do you really have, a man that is married with a child who had an affair with you and has lied to you and his wife for years................
I think you deserve more than this man has given you, get out, do the right thing and learn from the experience and find someone who you deserve.......
I am sorry he has hurt you like this......I can't imagine finding out after this long...........

And if you didn't initially have sex.....it was all blah,blah,blah. You are not that special. No one is. Feelings of love are a science. Meet each others emotional needs, spend time together, voila. Love.
Not magic.
Just a formula.

That is why when people marry they marry someone who is meeting a lot of their emotional needs but also on many levels, the person has to be a practical fit. There must be another factor besides love. Sensible + Love = Marriage.

The man was once in love with his wife, figured she was also a sensible choice on top of that and he married her.
She got busy tending to other matters with the family and he strayed, came upon you who agreed to meet a lot of his needs and you two fell in love. You were never a sensible fit for him though so he strung you both along and here you are.

Thank you for the excellent movie suggestion, Pep. We found it available for instant play on Netflix and watched it last night.

Bilbo, the ring's not still in your pocket is it?

sanity, asking again, can you tell us what the plan is?

MrsW is right, when we see posters doing a lot of handwringing it is an indication they are looking for someone to tell them something that suddenly gives the the courage they need to expose. That's not going to happen ~ it is going to be scary but you need to just set the plan and do it.

As a betrayed wife, I certainly would have appreciated it if one of the few people who knew of my FWH's adultery let me know before I turned my life completely upside down to move here with him. I found out by accidentally finding a hot and steamy email between AP and H. It would have been nice to make my decision based on full knowledge of my actual marital situation. But NO ONE told me. Shame on them.

Hello to you all,

please have some patience with Sanity. When you look at when she started her thread, it is only 24 hours ago.

Timeline

april 9th Sanity asks 'boyfriend' what is going on, he cuts off
april 10th Sanity starts searching the internet
april 13th Sanity is through snooping, its her birthday
april 17th S. drives 500 miles to her sister and tells her
everything, does not plan to tell because of small
child and not wanting to take revenge, sister tries
to convince her otherwise
april 18th S. drives 500 home all day and works in the evening
untill 02:00 AM (European time)
april 19th 7:30 AM (US Time - here it was in the middle of the
night) S. starts thread on marriagebuilders and is
being convinced that telling is the right thing to do
april 20th S. is convinced, burns CD for evidence
is trying to find out where exactly the wife works for
exposing in person.

Remember that Sanity is at work now 20:00pm European time and will try to go to family home. She is not stalling, but will try to go to the family home in the morning. She does not know yet, if 'wayward' is home, or if the wife is off to work. That will be the only chance to do it before the easter holydays. Friday, the weekend and Monday the 'wayward' will be home, because these days are holydays here. I do not think that will leave much room for a one-to-one conversation with the wife, if wayward is standing beside her ;-). The only thing that Sanity will need help with untill that point is the letter, which she will be writing in this night.

Plan: put letter and CD in envelope, drive to vincinity of home (1-hour drive), hope wayward is not home. hope wife is home, ring bell, tell wife in a few words, give letter to wife with evidence and contact info if she wants to know more. go home.

If it does not work, try again when husband is back working. wayward and wife have unknown scedules.

Any suggestions for the letter will be greatly appreciated.
Do not be unkind to Sanity, she is doing all she can, as fast as she can. But she cannot quit her job to lurk for the family home.

P.S. Sanity is my sister and I reccomanded MB and can assure you she will keep you posted on the latest developments.

Good for you for recommending this place, hh.

You are a VERY good sister. (((Happyheart)))

p.s. Did you suspect her boyfriend was married?

I agree Happyheart,
It is great to see you are helping your sister..........I know she will do the right thing, she wouldn't be here asking for help.......
She was lied to as well.............affairs are so cruel on so many levels. I hope your sister is alright and can heal herself from all of this and move on and use what she has learned and rebuild a better life for herself............
jessi

If she doesnt do the right thing, will you HH?

Thanks for coming here and recommending her to this site.

She did not know he was M, like his wife she is a victim in this also. Would anyone taunt a rape victim saying that she dressed too suggestively.

Happyheart, In reading her posts I know sanity is going to do the right thing. She does not just react and what she does is well thought out. In spite of being shocked about finding that the man she loved is married now she has to deal with this mess and let his wife know also devastating that family even though it is so important.

Thanks for the explanation with the timeline.

She is a big girl and wants to do it herself.
Of course I would be happy to do so for her (in fact, I suggested this), but I live 500 miles away, word full time and have 5 children, so I think she can do this faster and more effectively.

Like I said, it depends on the wayward being at work and the wife being home, because we do not know their scedule. I think it is important to get it right the first time, because he will certainly warn her if he suspects what she is up to.

And then she can move on with her life.

Sanity, that sounds like a great plan. And I applaud you for doing the right thing.

As to the question if I suspected something:

I live 500 miles away in another country.

Some years ago, I saw his picture and I did not think he was the type of man for my sister (she, conservative - he, extraverted) it was very subjective, but I am afraid I told her something like that, making me not the person my sister would confide in.

Last summer, she told me she was in love, and they would spend time at her place of work. I asked some questions and told her, that when a man really wants to be with a woman, he will take her to the movies, shower her with attention and they will see more and more of each other. I just thought he was not up to a serious relationship and using her as a passtime.

I didn't realize at the time, that:

- she has the ideal working hours for a man who wants to cheat on his wife: she only works evenings and weekends. (he would never have to explain to his wife where he was in the weekend, because he would not see her anyway, because she was working.
- It was completely believable, that they saw each other irregularly, because he worked on weekdays and she worked almost all evenings (irregular) and every weekend.
- he had taken up an extra job as a truck driver to deliver goods to where she works.
- he told her his sister was having marital problems and was in a womans shelter, so he took in his sister and her little baby (a real hero, this man) which explains why they could not meet at his house

Anyway, after I told her, that the man was not serious in my opinion, they had this fight two days later, and broke up, so I did not bring the subject up again.
She never told me, that they were seeing each other again, because of my dislike of him.
After they started seeing each other again, things became more serious, or so she thought.

Some weeks ago, she told me, and I saw some red flags, and told her, he was wasting her time and probably had a girlfriend, she was mad at me, but snooped anyway and because of the introduction of google street view in his home town, discovered the rest.

In hindsight I can imagine that she believed him, but I think that if you have read marriagebuilders, you might have seen the red flags. In the future, I am certain, she will think twice about things, but I am glad, that she discovered it, before they started making babies (he wanted to )

Lying cheaters can be very good actors. For sure.
It could take years to ever catch on to them, if ever.