OK, she left.

I am on to plan B.

Got lots of questions on that. Basically I don't put much on the chances of the Affair lasting too long. With that in mind, I feel like when she comes running back I can't just take her back, that would feel like I gave her a hall pass like in that movie I never saw.

Basically I was starting to see the big picture I felt. I had bugged conversation of the first contact she had thought was secret and when they first saw each other after I found out and confronted the affair. There was no intention from her to really try to work things out with me. She was at least to a point after the exposure to where she was being honest. With that in mind I felt Plan B was the only place to go....Plan A was only going to prolong the pain for everyone. It was pretty smooth getting here, she left peaceably and there was no negativity or ill will or anything. Surprisingly right now it simply feels like a huge relief.

I am reading the surviving an affair book to make sure I am clear on what the plan is....I'll check back here in a bit.

Even though I am done with my exposures do I expose this? Her choice.

Not sure about that, I have all the contact info in a list. I can send messages.

I actually started contacting a few people....I guess thats a yes.

I was marking stuff on a Calendar....
Contact with OM originated on 2-24
Became sexual on 3-14
I found out and confronted and tried to do Plan A on 3-29
Since she was refusing to make a choice and was simply afraid to leave me I only gave it 2 weeks. Did I make a mistake? Was it worth continuing?
She left and plan B on 3-17

I am conflicted, I feel like I am vascillating between plan A and plan B. With all our kids, and me wanting to avoid legal actions at this time (hiring a lawyer and filing for seperation) I almost feel like all my mediators are drying up and then it feels like I am basically just giving her a free pass to enjoy here affair until it dies naturally.

Should I still think about confronting OM even though I am trying to do plan B. Is it common for people in plan B to worry they are tolerant of the affair? Should I move forward with legal action or press for legal mediation?

I wrote the letter explaining Plan B to her....I guess its just really hard.

I don't see that you are in plan B.
If you don't have an intermediary to handle all communication about her visitations with the children and financial issues, you can't be in B.
Just cause she left doesn't make it plan B. It just means she isn't in the house. Don't lovebust when in contact with her.
Continue to study up on the plans. Try to put your emotions on the back burner and prepare to go to plan B. It does sound like you should go to it soon since you are having trouble keeping your hurt at bay.
When you do go to plan B, you do not try to save your marriage. You try to save yourself and your kids from further hurt. You talk to a lawyer to see what is in your best interest. You don't consider her bast interest anymore.
You need to post your plan B letter here to get input so you have a good, tight, well written one. Don't give her a plan B letter without getting it edited by the people here. You will make errors in it cause you are too close the the situation, being in the heart of it.
To talk to a MB coach you call the coaching center and arrange one. It costs money but is well worth it.
Otherwise you email the radio program for advice and get some input.
Try to calm down.

My intermediary's all sort of fell apart.

It's tough with the kids.

Here is the letter I sent as my plan B Letter:

"My Dear **edit**,

I know I have said much of this before but I feel the need to say it one last time. I am sorry for the part I have played in what has led us this horrible situation. I did no make you a priority. I let the kids and their sports get in the way in spite of your protests. I failed to listen to you as I should have. I was not affectionate as I should have been or as often as I should have been. I was downright hurtful in my reaction to your tattoos which you got for us. I overall allowed a lifestyle to arise that was too much stress for both of us, especially for you.

I am will to correct and avoid theses mistakes. I have made and try to create a new life that will meet you needs and free you from as undue stress as possible. I have come to realize that I can not accomplish those goals however until you end your relationship with **edit** once and for all.

Until I have assurances that has happened I am doing to have to avoid talking to you as much as possible. That's why I reacted as i did when you began to update me on your legal matter with your license. I will continue to communicate with you throug my mom, yours and my sister, pookie, and your grandma to make arrangements with the kid. I don't find it acceptable that you would spend the day with the kids and then at night go see **edit**. I also think that you should support yourself, go back to work. I'lll pay off your credit card, and I will want some of your check for the mortgage and car, but after that you need to take care of your self. I think you should turn in the wedding ring at this t

The situation had become unlivable for me and I hope you respect my decision to separate from you this way. You know the pain and suffering this has caused me and I can't take that pain any longer. I still love you, I just cant be with you or talk to you under these circumstances any more.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Jacob, and are willing to follow the measures to ensure it's permanent, then I will be willing discuss future together.

I want us to be happy together as a family. I want to make you happy and put you first. If you are happy our kids will then be happy by extension. You are my priority. We need to create a new lifestyle and make changes. That's what I want, something new and better. I want honesty and communication. I want to give you affection. I want to make you happy.

I love you still I just can't be with you while you are insisting on being hung up on **edit**,

With all my Love,"

I am feeling right now like I really messed up in trying to go to plan B.

I basically told her she should leave and she did. Now it is basically like she is continuing on the affair with no remorse and I have no ability to keep her from him with my snooping or anything. I have lost all leverage. I asked her to come home again and she refused. I still have limited ability to meet her needs, I guess what I should do is go to plan A by telling her to come home and spend as much time with the kids as possible?

Dont talk to her ever again.. Dont let her take the kids to see the ex con. Id file for custody of the kids. Get an intermediary. If she ends the affair and agrees to very high no contact precautions she can come back. Dont let her use you as a babysitter, be active--- declare war on her infidelity. File for divorce, she needs to support those kids.

Reconciliation is possible but you are plan B.. No contact, no saving marriage.. Let scumbag try to take care of her, I bet he wont get close.

My opinion (you may want to email and talk to the radio show and get theirs)
mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

You sound like you are unable to plan A, you are running with your emotions and letting them vent and lead.
She knows you want to recover the marriage (your beautiful letter and asking her to come back).

I think LoveCAG has good advice in this situation. Especially since the OM is an ex con.

Protect your children. Get legal custody.
Protect yourself (fnancially and emotionally from their toxic affair).

Then, should the affair die. Hopefully and probably it will.....the family may rebuild.

Release control of knowing the things she is up to, as long as your children aren't in her proximity.

Email the radio show and get their input . Fast.

I actually got to talk to Steve Harley (who is great by the way). My wife actually listened to him also, but is not unwilling to "work on the marriage right now".

I am definitely in Plan B, took me awhile to see how and why. When she is around I still love her and want to try and make things better.

Anyway, I am trying to not talk to her as much as possible (still learning) and I am supposed to call Steve back.

Steve assured me I was right to go to plan B. Basically once her attempts to meet conditions failed early there was no other choice....the affair was ongoing and she was going to continue it regardless. That makes plan B the only option really.

So, yesterday she decided to meet my conditions and stay. I know that this is a decision she will have to continually make. I hope this means we are in recovery and not in plan A. I know its a tenuous situation, but it's really the best I could have hoped for at this point.

Blaze28,

You must set your plan into place now........
1. No Contact Letter.
2. Complete Transparency
3. Work on your lists of emotional needs that haven't been met and start meeting them.
4. Open and Honesty
5. Set up boundaries in the marriage so neither of you will ever have the chance to have an affair. Affair proof the marriage.
6. Make sure you spend at least 15 hours a week together, just you two, undivided attention...
7. Work together the MB way to create a marriage you both will be happy in......

It's the first step to recovery, it starts with a good plan.............this is your chance to fix the things that weren't working ......
good luck

The first step I think is having the common goal. She very much made this decision to come home because of how it was hurting the kids. The goal is for us to be in love, but she still can't see that as realistic....its like having a goal to buy a unicorn to her. The withdrawal is pretty severe and she is being honest, she only wants to be with him, its the only thing that would make her happy etc. I told her she is almost asking me for permission to go see him when she phrases it like that and asked her to simply tell me that she is missing him when she feels that way. She has gone back to work and it is making it difficult to implement any plan. She is reluctant to do anything or make changes. At least I am sure that she has not had any contact with him. At this point I am at least sure, due to my snooping, that she is being honest about not having contacted him since Monday.

I think to move on to the other steps I need to wait out the withdrawal period. I know that is not normal but she is so reluctant and unwilling to do anything to fix things at this time.

Blaze,
Your wife has made the first step, she will have many days where she will question her choice, right now she is in withdrawal and can't even think about changing anything yet........Give her some time I think Dr. Harley says it takes about 6 weeks of no contact, you should see some changes after that......
I know you want to fix everything today but the process of recovery takes quite some time to work through.........
Just be loving and patient, show her she made the right choice, take care of her. Don't expect anything back and don't let it hurt your feelings, the affair wasn't about you it was about her poor boundaries...........Just keep repeating yourself that you love her and that when she is ready you will work together to have a happy marriage for both of you........
Keep checking for contact, keep quiet and just let her work through her feelings. Keep yourself busy with the kids and the house and she will eventually see the man that has stood beside her and a man that will forgive her for what she has done.........It takes a while......
one day at a time.......every little thing helps, nothing is to small.......
do little things she won't expect.......the surprise jestures, little hugs, the touch of an arm........be her safe place to fall.....
So happy she has come to the best decision of her life...........
jessi

Thank you so much for your inspiration.....words I really needed to hear.

she has slippped and I caught her talking to him on instant messenger.

I am not sure what to do or how to react. Please help.

She doesnt know I know yet.

If it were me, I'd sit her down and ask her if she has had any contact. If she lies, then consider B. She also has not committed to any plan per se, and she's not on board with anything as of yet.

Thus, maybe she needs a harsh lesson in reality. Don't be a doormat here. She thinks she has a hall pass to do whatever she lies since she came home. I think she needs to know about something called consequences. No begging, pleading, or anything. Just possibly consider going plan B and showing her the door.

She did lie about it. I exposed her lie. I am still sticking with it. She is taking leave from work so she won't have the temptation to talk to him while she is at work....at least until she goes back. Then what? If she is not being honest at all about contact then I think, if there is any more, I may have to separate.

Wow. slap on the hand.

What is she exactly doing to be open, honest and transparent? Go over Dr. Harley's recommendations on how to be transparent and make her do it. Every bit of it. Or else she is out.

She cannot go back to work if he is at her work. She cannot have any venue for contact with om if she is to commit to the marriage and this must happen. If she is not willing to do that, then the affair WILL resume.

Even well she is off work I discovered another secret email she was using to contact him.

Strangely, it ended up being reassuring. She has been trying to keep it going but he is barely showing interest. She writes him and he barely responds with one line. She was saying things seem different and it seems this is a bit of why. He originally was very responsive and attentive and his meeting that need drew her in to the affair. Now it's basically dying off.

We have 2 more weeks with no work and I am pretty confident there will be no contact in that time. When she goes back to work I think there probably will be although I hope we can recover in our marriage enough in that time to where I might be wrong about that.