He says that will be expected but he comes by to have fun time with the kids. He will lose that illusion of the kids coming around to OW for Christmas party and love real quick when he cant just take the kids.

It will also make OW the one to meet his needs. Since he has still been coming home to you family commitment is still big with him.

And you'd be right. You can't educate a wayward. Your WH is thick in the fog and doesn't want to hear anything that would take the zing out of his affair. There's a mental thing going on, alright. It's the wayward mentality.

I suspect it will become clear quickly as to whether or not OW is with him. I think she probably will be - waywards don't like to be apart that long.

You can still Plan A him with notes, emails & calls.

Thanks for the advice.

You would not believe how much this is helping me right now. Having people like you guys give me hope is what is getting me through.

albizia,

Just wanted to send my support and to let you know we have all been where you are, it's tough but not impossible........
Just listen to the vets, plan, plan and plan some more, Plan A the best you can and just sit back and let the affair die out, they don't last because they are just fantasy, there is no real life experience that relationships go through.......
The kids are in play now, financial strain is in play.........guilt and trust issues they will have now come into play, the affair partners never really think about meeting every need of the other partner so that is play.........Watch and see how quickly there is trouble in paradise, in the meantime when you do see him, look great, smell great and appear to be happy .........even if you don't feel it.......
Be confident, firm and loving................don't expect anything this is the faze you won't get anything back........don't let that discourage you..........
It takes time for this all to turn around.........stay here and get the steps you need to move forward from the great vets on this site, they have help save a few marriages on this site.............
get your strength here, vent here............we know it's all part of the process.

I am working on plan A. He has started to talk to me like a person now. This morning he even rang to ask how my night was last night. I hope this means it is having a good effect.

I have invited him home tomorrow to see the kids do their easter egg hunt. I figure that good fun family time might help remind him of what he is throwing away.

Hope it works!

Well he came over for the easter egg hunt and we all went out to lunch. Man it is like he is some kind of zombie. I don't seem to be able to get more than two words out of him. He just answers my questions in as few words as possible. I asked him a bit about his overseas trip and it sounds as if he is going alone. I am pleased about this. While we were at lunch he did have to go off and answer a text which I presume was from her.
His mother talked to him again the other day and she says that he is not listening to anything she says and just answers "This is for the best". I just want to say "For who?" but I know that would be confrontational and not the best idea.
Please tell me, is his blank attitude normal or has he really made up his mind and nothing will change it. I am starting to lose hope.

Ok Albizia, first of all you're doing a GREAT job! you are! And you're doing a good plan A too!

Make sure whenever you're around wh, that you're looking beautiful, smell amazing, and offer him something homemade and tasty (makes them want you and all that surrounds the marriage and family).

He IS a zombie b/c the posow is brainwashing him to the max. Look, this woman wants YOUR husband, thus she has to do a huge brainf* on him to get him to leave everything. Plus, since she's getting him to cheat with her ON YOU, then she's also extremely jealous and of course, monitoring as much as her wayward and skanky little brain can, his being AROUND YOU.

Of course skank ho texted him. She was keeping tabs since he's cheating with her, she doesn't want him to be with you. They have a flawed sense of that don't they?

He is conflicted, as why he is saying one or two words. Or he may seriously be convinced he has to end it, so he's trying to not be nice on purpose to try to not lead you on. Guys do one of the two things imho.

Never assume if he's going alone. If there's a crazed, skank ho ow out there, she'll try however she can to get her claws into him anyway she can.

Again, skank ho already knows wh's mom doesn't want her around, so she's trying to get him to not be around his mom or not talk about anything b/c she knows everybody DOES NOT WANT THE SKANK AROUND.

YOU can beat and kill this affair! Keep doing a good plan A. Offer tomorrow for him to come over for a nice tasty dinner. You look hot, and serve something great! It's Easter, and a family holiday. Work this angle too!

Always make a point whenever he's around, to look and smell and be your 100 percent best. Center conversation around his top EN's. Word things you talk about to make them friendly for his top ENs. For example, if admiration is one of his top EN's, say something like this.

"Wow, I hear you're going out of town for business to timbuktu honey. It is so interesting what you do. You know, the other day I was thinking how much training goes into being an architect. I saw a show on tv about them, and whoa, it really made me have a deeper appreciation for all the education and tough situations you have to deal with."

Tailor your conversations with pepperings of their top EN's. I used to do that with my WH (back when I was actually actively trying plan A, and it would always work like a charm. Heck even after I divorced him, if I wanted to get him to do anything at all, I'd do that forumula. Breaks thru the wayward selfish/self-centered surface they have.

It works so well, I can do it with just about anybody in fact. If you know somebody's top EN, and you converse with them (if there is a difficult situation)and you keep those top EN's in mind when you're talking, they HEAR and get what you're saying and it is usually (like 99 percent) a positive outcome.

That's something I learned from MB and kinda turned it around.

Don't give up yet! The sheer fact he came over for lunch and the egg hunt shows he is still receiving some EN fulfillment from being around you and with his kids. That shows something positive still. Just see him as an addicted zombie, being fed more zombie juice by the psycho ow, who is most likely telling him things like to stay away from his mom, family, and above all. YOU! Posow KNOWS her days in this are numbered, but she still thinks (po sad lil' ho) that she has a chance.

She doesn't know YOU know MB judo and that WE'RE here rooting you on and that several other key ow-hatin', skank-bustin', amazingly awesome females from MB have your back!

Now get that Easter dinner menu together, get out a cutesy outfit, and invite WH over AGAIN! And have one of the kids "accidentally" lose his cell phone.

I did that once btw. I told my son to go play with WH's cell, as his posow, the infamous beotch aka monkeyho, would try the same thing, as she was petrified of me b/c I wasn't some shrinking wallflower, I was an attractive woman who wasn't going to take her H having an A!

I had my little boy go play with it and he went and played w/it and it got "misplaced" all evening. I went upstairs before WH left my house (we were separated and he was over for dinner) and retrieved it, and saw SEVEN messages from monkeyho who was freaking out that he was with his family.

It MUST SUCK to be the ow, scared of having your cheating man out of your claws, worried to death he might actually want to go back home to his loving wife and children. Must truly suck to be that ow huh?

YOU aren't her! You're an amazingly beautiful MB goddess and you're going to stomp all over her with Plan A and if needed a dark plan B.

Thanks Peachy

I rang him and invited him to dinner tomorrow night. I said that since he was about to go away for 5 weeks it would be nice for him to come around a say goodbye to the kids properly. He says he needs to go out to drinks with a few guys from work, man he has his priorities screwed up. Anyway I said we could make it an early dinner and he said he will get back to me. My guess is he has to check with her, so I will be waiting for some kind of excuse.

Wow, I just got a reply from the message I sent to OW's husband. They have been seperated for a while but they were still close and have a child together. I wrote to him telling him the affair was going on and explaining what this did to my family. I also told him that WH had many unresolved issues and it would not be good for his W or daughter if WH were to move in with them.
He has just sent me a message saying he agrees 100% and that we need to talk and given me his mobile phone number.
My questions to the vets are;
1. What do I say to him?
2. What do I want him to do?
3. Is this a good idea, considering it will get back to my WH and he will be pissed off?

Please help.

Awesome! Good job you!

Call him and listen to what he has to say. He may provide you with some good intel about OW. You might even ask to meet him in a public place to make sure that it's really OWH that you're dealing with here. OW have been known to pose as their BH in responding to messages. If he's the real deal, he should have no qualms about meeting with you.

What you want him to do is to put pressure on his side of things (i.e., her, her family members, etc.) about the affair and to let you know when they (WH and OW) are together.

This is a VERY good idea. You DO want to talk to him. Yes, your WH will probably be royally pissed off, but that's okay. Your marriage can survive his anger, it CANNOT survive an active affair.

You're doing a great job Albizia, I'm impressed. Wish every BW that came here would "get it" as quickly as you have.

Don't forget to take care of your self, these are stressful times. Remember, the man you're dealing with now is a wayward and waywards are not exactly operating with all their faculties.

Keep posting. The more you post the more help you'll get.

(((Albizia)))

Oh, yes, albizia, call him. He may well become one of the most important allies you have in killing the A. See if he can help you fill in some blanks. For example, how long have they been separated? Does it coincide with the start of the A? Does he want to save his marriage, or is he the one who wants out?

Don't tell him about Marriage Builders just yet.

I had him over for dinner tonight and cooked a nice meal. I asked him all about his up coming trip and sounded really interested in what he was doing. That all went well except for his short answers and general lack of interest in me.
After dinner the kids were playing and while we were alone he confronted me saying he had a call from OW. Apparently her H had told her about the email I sent him. Conversation went something like this:
ME - Yes I have contacted him.
WH - I don't think you should be contacting people you do not know
Me - I do know him, we have spoken.
WH - I am not impressed
Me - Are you ashamed of what you have done
WH - No
Me - Then you have nothing to worry about.
WH - You don't know this person and this could have ramification for more people than just me.
Me - Oh well.

I presume he means it could also effect her and could get around work since her H also works for same company. Little does he know I have also emailed the HR dept of their work.

Here is hoping there is some effect.

Splendid, smile if he brings this up again, nothing better than waywards who are uncomfortable in their affair.

You did well.
Rambling about ramifications to other people is the last resort and of course plain stupid. The only thing that has ramifications for more people than him is his affair.

Albizia: I noted you exposed to your family, friends and her husband. Did you ever get access to her list of friends and coworkers either on Facebook or other means. While notifying the HR department is noteworthy you must do the same to her social circle of friends, if coworkers happen to be in the same circle tough. What about her parents? The intent is to shake her tree, give her sleepless nights and make the affair not worth her while.

I am hoping that when I do get to have a good chat with her H he will be able to shed some light on exactly who knows about the affair and maybe even help with some exposure. I haven't been able to talk to him yet but I will post as soon as I know more.

Be warned he may not be on board with exposure, this is your decision independent of him. Do the ground work and collect the contact information, if she is on facebook and you can see her friends list, click on their names and copy the web links to their pages as well as record their names in a secure document.

Having a bad day today. Dropped WH off at airport this morning and won't see him for 5 weeks.
I haven't been able to talk to OW husband yet but hoping to do so soon.
The kids and I have cried a lot today. I guess it is just one of those days.