I tell you, it really makes me laugh just looking for the next joke to send to her. I'm cracking up at some of these now

Would it be beneficial to me and my hopes of pulling our family back from the grave to tell our daughter now? The mandatory parenting class we had to go to stated that children should not be involved in adult affairs, but I believe that was for those who had conceded to the divorce and to go their seperate ways. I obviously want my family back together.

If I do tell my daughter, how do i do it?

Do you really think it's too late to save the marriage? If so, maybe it wouldn't be worth the backlash that this bomb would cause.

Just how much do I tell. I'm really willing to do it since I get my daughter on Friday. How far do I go? Should I really encourage her to ask her mom questions?

The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.

Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.

The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.

2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)

Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).

My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.

The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.

The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).

Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.

It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.

I don't know if you're familiar with everything my wife has done but obviously there was the affair which was a one night stand. But since then, she has been calling, texting, emailing, all types of guys, many of which she has met through a dating website. She obviously has said that the affair and the subsequent activities have nothing to do with the divorce (fog babble).

Maybe our daughter will be just the person to bring her back to her senses. Who knows. It's been 6+ months now and maybe she is just too far to come back.

We have had waywards who were very shaken up by their children finding out the truth. It is no guarantee, though.

I was wondering about something today. My wife told me in a conversation we had a few days ago that she told our 7 yr old daughter that "mommy and daddy just can't be together right now."

Understand that I am currently in Plan A. The exposure took place months ago to family and friends, but the person who would be most impacted by the divorce, our daughter, has been told a half truth. We are about 2 1/2 weeks away from mediation, which neither of us can afford. I don't know if it is even possible to stop the divorce now that we have gone through many stages.

Would it be beneficial to me and my hopes of pulling our family back from the grave to tell our daughter now? The mandatory parenting class we had to go to stated that children should not be involved in adult affairs, but I believe that was for those who had conceded to the divorce and to go their seperate ways. I obviously want my family back together.

If I do tell my daughter, how do i do it?

I posted this same question on another forum and the overwhelming reply was a resounding no. There were some who were adamant about being truthful which is where I stand but many feel it would be more damaging to our daughter.

Zelmo (and others):

My position on many aspects of marital therapy has been admittedly controversial when first expressed. His Needs, Her Needs was ripped by many therapists in 1986 when it was first published because they didn't believe that men and women's emotional needs were different. Today, there are very few that believe that anymore.

My position on conflict management (Policy of Joint Agreement) was also roundly criticized by some feminists as giving away women's right to independence. Of course, most of these critics were not in favor of marriage in the first place. But today, the idea of finding mutually adventageous solutions to problems in marriage is main-stream.

And, my position on radical honesty and transparency in marriage, which was definitely not in the tool box of most counselors when I first brought it up, is now becoming much more accepted by therapists working in the trenches.

At first, whenever I came up with a new idea, I'd try it out on the couples I counseled. My goal was always to "do no harm" in my effort to help. I was very concerned about unintended consequences. But as I created methods that were logical outcomes of my basic theory, I found that these methods worked amazingly well every time they were implemented. That's why I can speak with such confidence today. I've personally witnessed thousands of successful outcomes when couples learn to meet each other's emotional needs, learn to make decisions with mutual enthusiastic agreement, and learn to be radically honest with each other.

The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

My reply to that was that our marital problems are one thing. The infidelity is something totally different. Our family has not broken up because of the porn issue I had, it broke up because my wife has decided to commit adultery and she doesn't want to stop.